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Divorce/Separation :
How to deal with divorcing a remorseful WS

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 MrFlibble (original poster Member #76085) posted at 6:45 PM on Tuesday, August 31st, 2021

So, your WW admits that she was selfish and that’s as far as the introspection goes?

Basicaly, yes. She put her wants and needs above anything else. Absolute disregard for anyone or anything else. We spent countless night talking about it and I made peace with nothing more being there. It's that simple. She wanted to do it so she did it.

What came later was just a continuation of this mindset. She lied to pretect herself and to diminish impact on her life. I was just a afterthought

The reasons are important and matter, but they would matter much, much more had I made a decision to R. Now I don't see a point to roll around in this over and over again

AnOminousMan I wholeheartedly agree with everything in your post. Only time will tell if she's honest in her attempts to redeem herself in my eyes

And since we have two small kids I have a front row seat for the whole show

[This message edited by MrFlibble at 6:47 PM, Tuesday, August 31st]

Me: BH 33Her: STBXWW 342 daughters under 6

EA/PA with coworker 05/20-09/20Dday 8-10-2020TTs, lies and more TTs with remorse here and thereSeparated 08/21

posts: 243   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8686471
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grubs ( Member #77165) posted at 8:52 PM on Tuesday, August 31st, 2021

And as for the dress... Let's not make a mountain of a molehill. There's probably something to it but it's not worth noticing or thinking about. Don't allow yourself to be consumed by thoughts of her. That's what she wants because she knows if she can remain at the forefront of your mind she will eventually wear you with her "new and improved" behavior.

What her reasoning, if there even was reasoning, doesn't really matter. That Mr. F. wonders about it does. I think this falls under the fake it until you make it tactic. Mr. F. needs to start pretending in his inner dialog that it doesn't matter why she does the things she does. When that disinterest becomes reality is when her ability to pull him back in for her own selfish reasons really ends.

posts: 736   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8686503
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 MrFlibble (original poster Member #76085) posted at 1:04 PM on Wednesday, September 1st, 2021

True. Distancing myself from her, both physicaly and emotionaly, is something I need to work on or it will eat me alive. The fact that she is moved out of the house is helping, I should had have her move her out right after Dday. I believe it would saved me a lot of hurt. But hey, I take it as a learning experience

Me: BH 33Her: STBXWW 342 daughters under 6

EA/PA with coworker 05/20-09/20Dday 8-10-2020TTs, lies and more TTs with remorse here and thereSeparated 08/21

posts: 243   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8686587
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Dude67 ( Member #75700) posted at 1:17 PM on Wednesday, September 1st, 2021

Mr. F - along the lines of trying to understand your WW actions during her A, and in your discussions with her after D day, and finally to help you actually see and digest positive actions towards change, I have this question:

Do you think that your WW not having had PIV sex with the POS was her displaying some small semblance of moral clarity at the time, or do you think it simply would have happened inevitably?

posts: 97   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8686589
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 MrFlibble (original poster Member #76085) posted at 3:59 PM on Wednesday, September 1st, 2021

Do you think that your WW not having had PIV sex with the POS was her displaying some small semblance of moral clarity at the time

If so, then very little. There was no moral clarity, she was just a chicken because I started prodding and was onto her. But given more time/less prodding then she would absolutely had sex with him. It was only a matter of time.

Me: BH 33Her: STBXWW 342 daughters under 6

EA/PA with coworker 05/20-09/20Dday 8-10-2020TTs, lies and more TTs with remorse here and thereSeparated 08/21

posts: 243   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8686612
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AnOminousMan ( Member #79091) posted at 4:38 PM on Wednesday, September 1st, 2021

If so, then very little. There was no moral clarity, she was just a chicken because I started prodding and was onto her. But given more time/less prodding then she would absolutely had sex with him. It was only a matter of time.

She'll deny it to her dying breath. That said, after you were on to her did she stop meeting up with him, or did she continue with her game of tug of war with him?

[This message edited by AnOminousMan at 4:39 PM, Wednesday, September 1st]

If you love me, you will keep my commandments. (John 14:15)
My story doesn't really matter. I had it way easier than most.
The only thing that matters is can you stare into the mirror and like what you see.

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2021
id 8686623
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toby ( Member #10337) posted at 6:13 PM on Wednesday, September 1st, 2021

If so, then very little. There was no moral clarity, she was just a chicken because I started prodding and was onto her. But given more time/less prodding then she would absolutely had sex with him. It was only a matter of time.

If I remember correctly, she was working from home because of the lockdown, when you busted her..right?

Also, didn’t she say that she couldn’t wait to go back to work in the office? More likely to continue the physical part of the affair!

posts: 1760   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2006   ·   location: Texas
id 8686643
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ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 8:11 PM on Wednesday, September 1st, 2021

M,

I will give you this comment based on my own experience with my XWW and assuming that D is your goal.

My situation was a bit different because my XWW didn’t insist on R and by the time I D, I was completely detached.

I didn’t hate her, she just became the mother of my children. She had my twins every other week. As such, I focused on the best possible outcome for my children. All my actions and interactions were guided with my goal of having the less impact on my children.

During separation and D, I never mentioned the Infidelity. I D her because "we grew apart and we are not compatible".
I actually never told my children why I divorce their mother. They didn’t ask and they need their mother, they don’t need to hate her.

So for you, I suggest that you make it clear that you will not go back to her. But encourage her transformation and effort to become a better person.

She will eventually give up on you and meet some other love interest. So what is in your children’s best interest? That your STBXWW becomes a better person and meet a decent man. Imagine the opposite… her having another player as her BF…

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1434   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8686656
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AnOminousMan ( Member #79091) posted at 8:49 PM on Wednesday, September 1st, 2021

MrF,

She'll deny it to her dying breath. That said, after you were on to her did she stop meeting up with him, or did she continue with her game of tug of war with him?

I also wanted to ask if the meeting she had in the car with POSOM was the last meeting they had, or did they meet again afterwards at his house?

Please don't answer if you would rather not rehash this but, further to your belief that she would have slept with him given more time/less proding, depending on the answers to those questions, I have some thoughts on this if you would like to hear them.

I hope you are doing well.

If you love me, you will keep my commandments. (John 14:15)
My story doesn't really matter. I had it way easier than most.
The only thing that matters is can you stare into the mirror and like what you see.

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2021
id 8686661
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Dude67 ( Member #75700) posted at 12:55 AM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

Going back to Mr F’s belief that his WW would have eventually gotten around to PIV sex, can the following question be asked on a poly, or is this outside the poly’s scope?:

Poly question: were you considering, did you consider, or would you have entertained the notion of having penetrative sex with the POS?

posts: 97   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8686699
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grubs ( Member #77165) posted at 2:38 AM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

Poly question: were you considering, did you consider, or would you have entertained the notion of having penetrative sex with the POS?

No. Too speculative and based on opinion. Can lead to false and negative results. Poly questions really need to be pretty much yes/no factual, non-opinion questions.

posts: 736   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8686716
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Dude67 ( Member #75700) posted at 1:32 PM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

Grubs - I wonder. If the BS put this question on the list of poly questions that they presented to the WS ahead of time (not to the poly examiner), whether it would elicit a truthful response, revised timeline, what was going through the mind of the WS during the A, etc. ahead of the poly?

This of course assumes that the WS is unfamiliar with what questions work/won’t work on a poly?

posts: 97   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8686754
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grubs ( Member #77165) posted at 2:53 PM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

Lets be real WS lie even to themselves. I'd bet if you ask most the day before the deed if they would cheat most would say no and fully believe they were being totally honest. Be able to pass the poly. They were just friends messing around. Even as they were planning on how to spend time alone with AP. Polys are good for testing what happened. Even then they are not prefect. Intentions or what people want don't test well.

posts: 736   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8686768
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Tigersrule77 ( Member #47339) posted at 3:22 PM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

First, I need to know if I am the only one who hears the jingle "Mr. F!" from Arrested Development when I read this thread?

In response to the main question of this thread, I think only time and distance are the appropriate answer. For some BS's, it takes a long time to realize that their WS is done and not interested in R. In this case, the roles are reversed. Your STBXWW will figure it out eventually. One thing that would probably snap her out of her condition would be to see you dating after your D, but I suspect (from what you've written) it will likely be a little while before you jump back into that. I may be wrong. Of course, that could just make her jealous and make her more aggressive. I guess we will see.

I can relate to your thoughts on the alone time. Sometimes it is a blessing, others a curse. I'm sure you will adjust.

posts: 1511   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8686773
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Blandy ( Member #79252) posted at 3:43 PM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

I have nothing to add to OP except to say that I'm rooting for you Mr. F.

First, I need to know if I am the only one who hears the jingle "Mr. F!" from Arrested Development when I read this thread?

You are indeed not the only one!

posts: 58   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2021   ·   location: TX
id 8686781
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 MrFlibble (original poster Member #76085) posted at 4:31 PM on Friday, September 3rd, 2021

If I remember correctly, she was working from home because of the lockdown, when you busted her..right?

Yes. We both were as was half the world at the time. At that point their A was on a backburner. That text I intercepted was nothing more that a fishing expedition to see if she will bite

Also, didn’t she say that she couldn’t wait to go back to work in the office? More likely to continue the physical part of the affair!

She did say that, more than once. I believe she was being overwhelmed by everything while being locked in the house with me and kids. She just wanted to get out. SH was a crucial part of this outlet, yes.

She'll deny it to her dying breath. That said, after you were on to her did she stop meeting up with him, or did she continue with her game of tug of war with him?

Probably. She definitely didn't stop when I started questioning her. I actually met him for the first time only few days after it became physical (he kissed her at work, in elevator). Most of the physical meetings hapenned during the period I was actively questioning her about him. I was of course deemed controlling and absurd. That was one long an horrible summer, let me tell you.

I also wanted to ask if the meeting she had in the car with POSOM was the last meeting they had, or did they meet again afterwards at his house?

It wasn't their last meeting, but that was the last time they went that far. It was a last week in August, we got back to WFH first or second week in September so they couldn't meet. She never met him outside of work, eg right before or after. Lunch breaks were their thing apparently. If I recall correctly, those two visits were like two weeks before that

I like to hear your takes on anything that I disclose here, so please do.

[This message edited by MrFlibble at 4:33 PM, Friday, September 3rd]

Me: BH 33Her: STBXWW 342 daughters under 6

EA/PA with coworker 05/20-09/20Dday 8-10-2020TTs, lies and more TTs with remorse here and thereSeparated 08/21

posts: 243   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8687037
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AnOminousMan ( Member #79091) posted at 4:53 PM on Friday, September 3rd, 2021

MrF,

Thanks for responding.

It wasn't their last meeting, but that was the last time they went that far. It was a last week in August, we got back to WFH first or second week in September so they couldn't meet. She never met him outside of work, eg right before or after. Lunch breaks were their thing apparently. If I recall correctly, those two visits were like two weeks before that

Maybe I am misunderstanding. I thought she didn't see him again after the car for 2 weeks because she was mad he took things too far, at least according to what she texted him. What I'm trying to determine is whether she went to his house the second time for their make-out session after the car incident.

If you love me, you will keep my commandments. (John 14:15)
My story doesn't really matter. I had it way easier than most.
The only thing that matters is can you stare into the mirror and like what you see.

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2021
id 8687038
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 MrFlibble (original poster Member #76085) posted at 5:41 PM on Friday, September 3rd, 2021

Sorry, but I don't feel like reliving the timeline today. Too good of a day to ruin it. It's been almost a year now and lots of it is by now a bit blurry and mangled together so I would have to find her written timeline and that would take me back.

But they met a few times after if that makes a difference.

I had kids these past three days, which was great. And exhausting. Told me they hate my STBXW's appartment and there is nothing much to do. Asked why I don't sleep there, too.

Few text from STBXW, she invited me to her company's "summer party" in two weeks. I declined and she texted back "understand. I would love to have you there so if you change your mind let me know".

Asked if I am ok with her going, told her she doesn't need my permission and that was it.

She's just picked up kids 20 minutes ago and I am heading out for a dinner. smile

[This message edited by MrFlibble at 5:43 PM, Friday, September 3rd]

Me: BH 33Her: STBXWW 342 daughters under 6

EA/PA with coworker 05/20-09/20Dday 8-10-2020TTs, lies and more TTs with remorse here and thereSeparated 08/21

posts: 243   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8687045
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toby ( Member #10337) posted at 6:16 PM on Friday, September 3rd, 2021

Thanks Mr.F,

I got one more question. Now that your stbxw has moved out, do you think your stbxw will be able to resist the OM attempts to reconnect?

posts: 1760   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2006   ·   location: Texas
id 8687051
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AnOminousMan ( Member #79091) posted at 6:36 PM on Friday, September 3rd, 2021

Mr F,

Nothing to apologize for. I certainly don't mean to pry. It's probably best to move on anyways. At the end of the day, even if you concluded that she wouldn't have given more time, it doesn't really matter all that much.

Over time things will eventually reach equilibrium.

Have a great weekend and keep looking forwards.

If you love me, you will keep my commandments. (John 14:15)
My story doesn't really matter. I had it way easier than most.
The only thing that matters is can you stare into the mirror and like what you see.

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2021
id 8687054
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