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Divorce/Separation :
How to deal with divorcing a remorseful WS

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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 9:24 PM on Monday, October 4th, 2021

Congratulations Mr. Flibble on getting out of infidelity. You have the whole world ahead of you to do what YOU want and enjoy!

I too thought it was uh ill advice to recommend R in a S/D forum.

fBS/fWS(me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 25 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8067   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8691601
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earlydetour ( member #63207) posted at 10:33 PM on Monday, October 4th, 2021

Happy to hear to have taken a way of of this horrible situation.

I read your thread and wanted to thank you for a section of one of your posts that spoke to me and bolded and italicized those parts.

It took me almost a year to come to this conclusion. A year of broken promises, lies, honest truths, fighting, tears, sleepless nights and so much talking I feel like I ran out of words for the rest of my life. We spent hours at times going over everything. We slept on a sofa in our living room, functioned on 3h of sleep only to do it again that very night. We fought, we comforted each other, we yelled, we cried and we promised and begged.

But I have to say one thing - I don't regret it. I don't think it was a time wasted. I HAD to try, for my family, for my STBXW, and for me. I know we end our marriage and all between us is not resolved, but that's expected. We spent 14 years together. 14 ducking years. Almost half our lives. We are imprinted in each other, forever. But sometimes things just don't end up how we want them, no matter how we wish and and how hard we try.

Everybody is different, every story is unique. But ultimately, the only thing that can help you heal is time.

You might take a swift action, resolve everything within weeks, get divorced in 2 months, leave it all behind and move 10 hours away, but no matter how fast you act, your feelings will catch up with you. And they will do it way slower than you wish.

And when they finally do, it hits you like a ton of bricks. But you need to live it, own it because there is no hiding from it. Cry, rage, kick a wall, wallow in a self-pity, do all that because it needs to be done. It takes time, but you will know when you make peace with it, trust me. So, time.

These sections spoke to me as a BS dealing with my own situation. Thank you.

Second thing that helped me the most was a physical distance. Until you separate yourself physically, you can't do it emotionally. I tried, so hard I tried, but to no avail. I thought I was doing great but then we spoke, or she came to see kids and I was back to square one.

I harshly underestimated the power she had over me.

I am not saying she used it against me, but it was something I struggled with tremendously. I missed her touch, I missed her kind words, I missed the sex. It messes with your head, especially when your WS is doing all the right things in your eyes and you know how easy it would be. Just one word from you and it will all be gone. But it won't, It won't be gone. You can hide it all under a blanket of hysterical bonding and love-bombing, but it will inevitably come back. It won't just go away. But it's so dangerously tempting.

These spoke to me as a BS not yet doing this as part of a D, but we did have a time where we were separated for several months at a time while moving cross-country and I was considering D at that time after his first A plus many of his other actions in the few years after DDay1. Yes, the distance helps ground you. I also found this an interesting part because it dawned on me that it's also a good description of why a WS needs NC from their AP to attempt to gain perspective on their life and on the relationship they had with them.

Best Wishes on your journey ahead.

Aim for the best case & plan for the worst case.When you encounter a detour on life's journey, pick yourself up and MAKE the road YOU want to be on. Finding my own path.

posts: 250   ·   registered: Mar. 28th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8691615
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 11:43 PM on Monday, October 4th, 2021

R or D, either way would be difficult for you, so not happy for you but glad you finally did it.

Here we make recommendations based on the request for divorce or reconciliation. But in theory, i think reconciliation is actually part of the concept of cheating.

To be clear, if the cheaters have no intention of ending their marriage, the courage to cheat has two basic motives: 1) they will not be caught, 2) they will have a second chance. I don't think they plan it always, but I think they instinctively believe it. Thus, no matter how much remorseful they seem, if a cheating incident results in reconciliation, it means a successful(!) cheating has been experienced for the cheater. Therefore giving a second chance creates a paradox.

I don't know if it's a bit confusing, but to put it briefly, you haven't fallen into this paradox and survived.

posts: 520   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8691623
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