Newest Member: Armyman9196

Divorce/Separation :
How to deal with divorcing a remorseful WS

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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 1:23 AM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

Mr. Flibble: I feel for you. From your posts, I am left with the impression that you will not reconcile with your wife after the divorce. That is what you say, but I don't think you are completely sold on no reconciliation. You are truly caught between a rock and a hard place. There is no good move in your mind because I sense you still love your wife and do not relish the demise of the family unit. Very understandable. As affairs go, your wife's is somewhat mild compared to what we read on these posts. She never did have sexual intercourse and the groping that went on was rather limited. I don't believe she ever gave him oral sex but I might be wrong. Did she even give him a hand job? While most might disagree, to me those acts are magnitudes worse than what she did.

Your wife certainly did not love the guy and had no intention of leaving you for him. She did not intend or want to have intercourse because, in her mind, that crossed a boundary of which there was no return. Very stupid on her part. She tried to break it off. Her attempts were rather weak. Would she have eventually caved? Probably. But it didn't happen.

But, her acts were sufficiently bad that divorce is justifiable.

Now you state that you do not intend to date immediately after a divorce. You intend to work on yourself. You have had extensive discussions with your STBXW about the future recently. What do you expect from your STBXW going forward? Do you expect her not to date? Do you feel she has a right to start dating? Would her dating forever close the door to reconciliation? If you still might consider reconcilation, regardless of what you have said, maybe you should let your STBXW know what you are thinking. It would be a shame that you suddenly want to reconcile, but your STBXW might be involved with someone else. How would that affect your desire to reconcile if she was still willing to do so?

posts: 435   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8689648
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 3:53 AM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

I agree with Walkthestorm. Also, co/parenting will still happen when new partners come in, but it will not be the same as it is now. You are unlikely to be co/parenting much then, in the sense of sharing. You will be taking shifts. The new partners are unlikely to, and should not, allow there to be expression of a well of mutual feeling between you. At best, business like. And maybe worse than that. Better than ongoing trauma and infidelity to be sure. Worse than successful R. Just don’t fool yourself that D will be good. It may be necessary but will have its awful aspects outside of your control

I don't think this is fair to say. Divorce can absolutely be better than successful R. You don't know what his future holds. None of us do. He could wind up in an absolutely better relationship one day. He could wind up very happy alone. The new partners, if they are adults, will understand that it's better when coparents can speak to one another with decency. It is to be hoped that future partners won't expect them to hate one another and if they do, those are not good future partners. As a twice divorced person I'll say that divorce can very much be good. My divorced life right now is better than both of my marriages. And shock and horror, my first husband (father of my children) and I have maintained a friendship while coparenting. Yes, there are extra boundaries when we have been with others, but we could always speak to each other like humans who cared about our children. The awful aspects are involved with the process of going through the legal stuff and grieving the marriage. Once that's done, you have a whole new life to attend to and create. That can be pretty exciting.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4556   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8689658
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Sanibelredfish ( member #56748) posted at 4:22 AM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

I don't know if I've ever read a thread in the D forum where so many posters plead the case of the WS. I think it is insensitive at best, and completely disrespectful to Mr. F given that he has carefully deliberated and decided that D was the right choice for him. He does not owe his STBXWW a second chance because she "may" have come to her senses (that is highly debatable from my perspective). Let's let the man wrap up his D, get a little breathing room, and then figure out what is next.

posts: 752   ·   registered: Jan. 8th, 2017   ·   location: Midwest
id 8689663
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gemini12 ( new member #78670) posted at 6:29 PM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

don't know if I've ever read a thread in the D forum where so many posters plead the case of the WS.

I've been seeing some posts that have me scratching my head. It's almost like the poster doesn't want to offer advice or guidance just cause turmoil. I believe some posters come here for their own amusement at the expense of others. I've seen better advice given on some Reddit subs. It's a shame.

posts: 49   ·   registered: Apr. 18th, 2021
id 8689750
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Kindern ( new member #78441) posted at 6:43 PM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

I didn’t want to bring it up but I have to agree with the above. It’s a site wide issue that’s, for some reason, cropping up in this thread a disproportionate amount.

This thread is 75% people digging for gossip, 20% people forming their own gossip from conjecture and 5% actual support and advice.

There’s genuine, compassionate, advice here but there’s also a lot of people treating people like MrF (and others, TWO comes to mind) as some soap opera they’re following.

posts: 34   ·   registered: Mar. 4th, 2021   ·   location: Uk
id 8689751
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66charger ( member #69471) posted at 10:47 PM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

The judgement and constant attacks on an opinion that differs from your own is the reason why many do not or rarely post.

This is the same thought process that is tearing our Country apart today.

For shame indeed.

posts: 290   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2019
id 8689795
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 12:17 AM on Thursday, September 23rd, 2021

I myself hopes Mr. and Mrs. F to be back together after their D and I do not attack others who has differing opinions as myself. Of course, we have come here to help but stating that others come here for other purposes is definitely a low blow especially when a certain percentage is mentioned. That percentage is not a fact, it's an opinion.

Mr. F.

Well, you mentioned that there might be no more R after D. So would it be okay for you now if she starts dating? Because based on your story so far, she always seeks for validation and right now she doesn't have someone who does that to her. You're both busy with your proceedings and handling a new system for co-parenting. So, what if, suddenly she starts dating? Will that be okay with you moving forward? Will it make you move on faster? Will it cause any residual feelings for her to fade?

Have you discussed it with her that there are no hopes for R already? And both of you may start dating other people?

All the best!

posts: 388   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8689804
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 12:24 AM on Thursday, September 23rd, 2021

Well, I mean...divorced means divorced. Divorced doesn't mean "wait around for me in case I change my mind". It's not a game where you go "I wonder if he/she will date anyone ever again". It's not a test to see if someone is worthy of R. It's divorce. It's a valid choice no matter what the ex does. OF COURSE it will be weird when you divorce and your ex starts dating. It's weird even if you don't love them anymore. That's just natural. But it's not forever generally. My first ex-husband was on good speaking terms with my second husband and I was good with every girlfriend my first ex had because years pass and it's not weird after a while. Things suck a lot more in the midst of divorce than they do after the fact.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 12:25 AM, Thursday, September 23rd]

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4556   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8689807
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 3:13 PM on Sunday, September 26th, 2021

EA + proximity = PA

Two PA’s (that you know of): a broken wayward spouse who borders on being a serial cheater and probably is one.

You don't need anything else. Take the high road. Ghost her as much as possible. Co parent. Move on.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4339   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8690295
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 4:18 PM on Sunday, September 26th, 2021

Thumos - I personally believe you’re mis- characterizing Mr. F and his WW current circumstances to some degree.

Also, given Mr. F’s stated current relationship with his WW, and the fact that he hasn’t completely ruled out R down the road after D, your advice to me appears to be particularly extreme.

posts: 154   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8690304
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 MrFlibble (original poster member #76085) posted at 10:49 AM on Wednesday, September 29th, 2021

Divorced.

posts: 254   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8690820
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Bezuidenhout ( new member #79375) posted at 11:44 AM on Wednesday, September 29th, 2021

Congratulations.

posts: 13   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2021   ·   location: U.S
id 8690823
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 1:50 PM on Wednesday, September 29th, 2021

So you are officially divorced? That's a quick resolution. Congrats on your newfound freedom.

posts: 388   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8690834
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 2:57 PM on Wednesday, September 29th, 2021

Divorced.

One foot in front of the other. Keep walking your path.

posts: 792   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8690843
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ff4152 ( member #55404) posted at 3:45 PM on Wednesday, September 29th, 2021

One of the sadder stories I’ve read here.

Wishing you all the best.

Me -FWS

posts: 1865   ·   registered: Sep. 30th, 2016
id 8690853
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 7:38 PM on Wednesday, September 29th, 2021

I think there's a message in your story.

No WS deserves reconciliation, and all spouses deserve fidelity.

posts: 3742   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8690894
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 10:44 PM on Wednesday, September 29th, 2021

Mr. Flibble: Good luck to you and your ex-wife. I hope the two of you remain civil and become two great co-parents. I think you will. I hope you both find happiness in the future. I admit that I was rooting for the two of you to make it together. This is contrary to how I feel about the vast majority of these stories on SI. But, I fully understand your position and I hope you now find peace.

posts: 435   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8690929
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TwoDozen ( member #74796) posted at 11:06 PM on Wednesday, September 29th, 2021

God speed MR F

I saw a lot of myself in your posts and I felt your pain

Hoping it all works out for you and the kids.

TD

Play stupid games ; Win stupid prizes

posts: 371   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2020
id 8690935
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RocketRaccoon ( member #54620) posted at 7:56 AM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

Divorced.


I hope you find the peace that you need and deserve.

You cannot cure stupid

posts: 903   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2016   ·   location: South East Asia
id 8690998
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phmh ( member #34146) posted at 9:52 PM on Saturday, October 2nd, 2021

Congratulations! I am so excited for you to be officially free from infidelity! Please join us in New Beginnings (about so much more than dating). You have gone through the toughest part and though there will be hard parts in the future, the general trajectory of your life is now set on increasing happiness. In a few years, you'll wonder why you didn't D her sooner.

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4978   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 8691350
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