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General :
Did you tell your adult children?

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 RaggedyAnne (original poster New Member #78800) posted at 9:19 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

Our adult children do not know anything. I have been doing my best to try and act normal when they are around. They are and always have been around a lot. It has been very difficult pretending everything is ok when it is not as we are all very close. 4 ddays in 3 months has me rattled to my core and I am in a very dark place.

H's counselor says they should not be told. My counselor says he should tell them. Part of being accountable for his actions similar to a person in AA.

H has recently told them about his drug use over the years. Which is good. They were shocked but supportive of him for stopping and being honest with them. However they also then talk to me about helping dad through this tough time and being there to support and love him through this difficult time. My anger really boils over when I hear this. While of course I want for H to receive the support and love necessary to overcome his addictions, I am furious to even have to act supportive and feel deceptive with my children. I do not know if I am reconciling with H. Despite all of his efforts, there may be too much damage done.

posts: 21   ·   registered: May. 15th, 2021
id 8675567
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Want2BHappyAgain ( Member #45088) posted at 9:36 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

We didn't tell anyone about my H's A. Our children could tell something was wrong with me though after he came home from overseas...where he had a 9 1/2 week A. They kept asking if I was alright...was there something they could do...etc.

I told them that there was a "sexual issue" between me and their Dad that happened after he came home...and I didn't think they would want to know the details. They agreed that they didn't want to know details...and quit asking after that .

I can certainly understand your issue with the feeling of deception in having to be supportive of "addictions" when it is so much more than that.

We all have to make our choice on this. MY choice worked out for ME...but you may need their support too. Especially if you aren't going to be able to reconcile after all of the damage he's done.

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5567   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8675575
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stubbornft ( Member #49614) posted at 9:48 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

H's counselor says they should not be told.

Maybe, maybe not. Addicts are known for twisting their counselor's words.

My counselor says he should tell them.

Your counselor doesn't have a say in what WH does.

Look this is YOUR life. Don't worry about what is best for him. Do you feel that your adult children should know? I would write out why you want to tell them and sit on it a day or two. If you feel you want to tell them, tell them. If you feel that they would feel betrayed if you don't tell them, tell them.

4 ddays in 3 months has me rattled to my core and I am in a very dark place.

Of course. I am so sorry. Do what YOU need. It is time to look after yourself.

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 801   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8675579
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gmc94 ( Member #62810) posted at 11:54 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

I did not intend to tell my adult kids.

Unfortunately, one of them figured it out and confronted me about it (w/o my WH being present).

After that, I did not feel comfortable keeping it from my other adult kid.

So - both of them know.

And TBH, at this point I wish they hadn't known - or at least hadn't known when they did. I think that is mostly bc I've not filed for D and my WH is not R material. So, it seems my kids have spent 3 years kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop (and I may be projecting - we don't really talk about it unless THEY want to). Them knowing kind of adds a strange layer of shame for me (not for my WH, who is such a master compartmentalizer I doubt he even thinks about it). I guess I feel that by not filing for D and not showing that I'm in for R, I'm setting a bad example - esp to my DD. However, that is 100% a ME problem, not theirs.

AND, I suspect one of them has told their friends, who likely told their parents, who likely know me and my WH.

On the other hand, I honestly don't know if I'd have been able to keep it in if they hadn't figured it out (and that would for SURE be true after WH hung himself). It's a real cluster.

And - at the end of the day, every one of us is different, every M is different, and every kid is different. What I feel shame about may not bother you one bit.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3367   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8675626
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OrdinaryDude ( Member #55676) posted at 1:38 AM on Thursday, July 15th, 2021

Yes, our kids know.

They could tell we were upset with each other and my daughter automatically assumed it was my fault, so I set her straight.

As a BS, don’t ever let your kids think you are the problem or let them be uninformed.

You don’t have to tell them if they are oblivious, but if they suspect something, give them the truth, it’s the respectful thing to do.

Me - BH 50+
Her - WW 50+
Married 30+ years, 2 adult kids
(1989) PA Rug-Swept
(2002) EA Rug-Swept
(2016) EA *Getting Out Of Infidelity*

**Working at Reconciling**

posts: 3366   ·   registered: Oct. 19th, 2016   ·   location: The Big Easy
id 8675663
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Wanttobebetter ( Member #72484) posted at 1:45 AM on Thursday, July 15th, 2021

I always thought honesty is always the right policy. Your children are grown adults. They can handle it. You shouldn't carry the burden to hide the truth from your children. It's not your burden to bear.

Good luck

posts: 137   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2020
id 8675668
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 11:09 PM on Thursday, July 15th, 2021

No. Our son lives 1000 miles away, and we see each other for about 2 weeks every year. Something related to the A has come up once, early on. Since then, we've behaved normally and naturally when we're together.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 25999   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8675899
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HalfTime2017 ( Member #64366) posted at 12:09 AM on Friday, July 16th, 2021

the cheaters will never want you to tell the children the truth, but then again, what are you teaching the children.

I wouldn't say that this surprises me that a counselor would say that, I can tell you that my own IC thought it was a great idea that I meet with my exWW and be friends with her either. Not all of them are versed in affairs. Many of them are just family counselors, with little to no experience in the matter.

I would say this. Give your husband the chance to tell the truth, and with a timeline b/c its obviously hurting you. If he doesn't do it, than you do it. Truth is Truth.

posts: 1142   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8675924
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Chicklette ( Member #70303) posted at 4:53 PM on Friday, July 16th, 2021

I had no choice. My youngest daughter was the one who found out about the A. She told her sisters before I could even think about it. But I wasn't surprised - I am very lucky in that they are all very close. And they were all so lovely to me while FWH and I were separated. And since we decided to R they have all supported us and been great.

I don't know if I'd have chosen to tell them, but I probably would as they are adults and we are close. But in an ideal world I wouldn't have let them be hurt, or have to witness my pain.

Me: BS 59 at DDay
WH: 61 at DDay
Married: 27 years at DDay
Dday: 22 March 2019
In R since 11 April 2019
I love him and have forgiven him. He’s very contrite.

posts: 129   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Essex UK
id 8676137
Topic is Sleeping.
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