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My WS and I were “best friends” and we did everything together. We have all of the same interests and we really enjoyed each other’s company. It is really what kept me hanging around trying. I ended things Tuesday and I am trying to prepare for the weekends because I know they will be so hard. I have friends and I love them and they are there for me. But they are married and busy. The stuff that I will miss is outdoor activities together, trying new restaurants together (we are both vegan so not everyone is excited to try my places lol), stuff like that. What were some good things you did to build up new routines on the weekends?

I am going to run with a friend on Saturday morning and walk with a friend Sunday morning. I found a women’s hiking group on MeetUp that seems active in my area – I will probably wait a little bit to join them.

Just wondering if anyone has any ideas or if you got new hobbies or interests after splitting up. Did anyone try MeetUp groups and if so did you feel you met people you liked & formed friendships with? WS and I did hiking trips together and I would be so sad to not do that anymore. None of my friends are in to hiking so fingers crossed that this women’s hiking group is a good fit for me.

I am not terrified of being alone. I am ok with being single and healing and all of that. I just want to rebuild a little. I don't want to just do all the things we did together - now alone - and just be a sad person. I want to find new ways to do the things I love or find some new things.

I did lots of meet up hikes and bike rides and kayak tours when I first separated. I went pretty regularly for about 18 months. Why wait? Go now. Go this weekend. Just go! I did not make any lasting friendships from the Meetup groups, but it got me outside exploring in places I wouldn't have known existed. And just being around other people doing something positive is healing.

I joined a women's camping group and have gone on several adventures with them. I highly recommend joining groups and participating.

Continue to make time for your friends.

As far as restaurants, go solo. I lost count of the number of times I went out to eat alone. Most of the time I would sit at the bar and eat there. Bartenders are always looking to chat, if it's not crazy busy. You will also see other solo people sitting there, and conversations will strike up naturally. The first couple of times it was definitely strange, but the more I did it, the more comfortable I got. And like I said, now that you are paying attention, you will see how many other people are out doing the exact same thing. It's another great way to meet people. I recommend the happy hour crowd. Laid back and not a meat market.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 1:38 PM, July 8th (Thursday)]

I have never been but you might consider checking out the Sierra club if your beliefs coincide with its mission and there is a local chapter near you.

I made it a personal adventure to reclaim tainted places (places where Xhole and I went together) for the purpose of replacing old memories with new, better memories. It's been a lot of fun.

Like Bleep, I also recommend going to restaurants solo. I travel a lot for work so have been doing it for years. It's always fun trying a new place and not having to worry about whether someone else is into it or not. Total freedom.

My WS and I were “best friends” and we did everything together. We have all of the same interests and we really enjoyed each other’s company. It is really what kept me hanging around trying. I ended things Tuesday and I am trying to prepare for the weekends because I know they will be so hard. I have friends and I love them and they are there for me. But they are married and busy. The stuff that I will miss is outdoor activities together, trying new restaurants together (we are both vegan so not everyone is excited to try my places lol), stuff like that. What were some good things you did to build up new routines on the weekends?

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. I can empathize a lot.

My WS and I were also best friends - we spent our entire dating time traveling, going to concerts, trying new restaurants. We always shared food, so we could try several different dishes! We used to share recipes with each other that we'd find online and plan to make them together on the weekends. We'd find cocktails we thought the other would enjoy and have "happy hours". We'd binge watch shows together. I haven't seen a ton of "classic" movies...so she'd sit down with me and make me watch them and we'd talk about it for days afterwards.

And now...all of that is gone.

I have little to no appetite, and I avoid all of our favorite restaurants because it reminds me of her and her betrayal and the loss of my best friend and the person I thought I could trust more than anything.

In the weeks ramping up to D-Day, I tried joining running clubs, other MeetUp groups. I went for a few weeks. But I became so emotionally exhausted that it was just so draining for me to put on a happy face and be social.

I am also scared of being alone. I want to heal and rebuild and rediscover myself too, but feel like everything happened so fast within the whirlwind of D-day and deciding to divorce...I feel like I haven't even processed my own feelings/emotions yet. I haven't really even had a good cry. It's like it hasn't even "hit" me yet, for real. And I'm scared of when it all hits - not having the strength to keep going.

Anyway. I'm rambling now. Didn't mean to take over your thread; just want to say you're not alone and I am following along because I want to be ok doing new things and meeting new people and rebuilding and moving on. Someday.

Thank you all. Some days are pure torture and some are ok. Some are hopeful and some are exciting. Lather, rinse, repeat. I know you understand and it means a lot to be able to reach out.

CB, let yourself have a good cry. I feel like I cried non stop from Saturday night until yesterday afternoon. My face was red and my cheeks and under my eyes was so chapped it hurt to put on lotion. When I woke up my head hurt and my eyes we so very swollen. Today I feel good. You have to get it out. Today I saw exWS and I was ok. I haven't cried at all today. It helps to get it out. It is coming out whether we want it to or not, best not to fight it and let the process flow.

How soon until you can get out of the same home? That helped me a lot. Yes very very sad at first but now it feels better and PEACEFUL.

[This message edited by stubbornft at 4:13 PM, July 13th (Tuesday)]

How soon until you can get out of the same home? That helped me a lot. Yes very very sad at first but now it feels better and PEACEFUL.

I'm not able to get out until around the first week of August. But I accepted a new job elsewhere and am excited to move closer to family and start a "new me".

But this waiting around until then...god it's painful.

CB,

Hang in there, I know it is rough right now. I am excited for you to be closer to family & get a fresh start. The next few weeks are temporary, you've got this!

My XWH and I were inseparable - he would actually be unhappy if I did anything with friends. THankfully when he was with OW, I had free time.

Like you, my friends were busy with their families. I joined Meet-ups, and I said YES to every invitation. I also took up walking.. that helped me mentally, I got to know my new neighborhood, and it took up time. With friends, I’d sometimes just accompany them if they were running errands— we got time together and it took up an afternoon.

I also learned how to be alone. There was a time that it was really hard, but I would realize how nice it was to not be walking on eggshells all the time, and to be able to do what I wanted on the weekends. I eat out by myself too - on the weekends I would drive to some place and eat lunch out. Movies alone are good too- especially the theaters where you pick out your seat in advance online. Then you just pop in right before it starts and once it’s dark, no one knows. (No one cares anyway, but regardless, you don’t talk during movies, so it’s perfect to do solo. And matinees are cheaper )

It did suck for a bit, but it got to be okay faster than I expected, and now I really wonder how I’ll be able to live with another person again. Sleeping diagonally across the bed ‘cuz my cats are hogging up all the space is totally fine now :-)

I agree w many of the comments. I went to a few different meetups and could not connect….except for one person. That was 6+ years ago and she is a bestie to this day.

Also, it seems like post CV19 shutdowns, in my neighborhood area, the Nextdoor app has become a great place for women to look for social opportunities! I’ve met two several weeks ago and we will be connecting w 3 more this week.

I also started taking salsa dance lessons to stretch my comfort zone. Any group activity where you have the built in common denominator is a place to begin.

Also, I too go out and eat now more often and have no problem sitting at a bar by myself for a drink.

Full disclosure…I had a brief exchange with someone in a restaurant on Sunday. After I left I decided to stop in at a local dive bar about 2 miles down the road. Who should walk in an hour later, but the same guy. He’s hot, dances salsa (!) and 10 years younger! Just had cocktails tonight. Hopefully going dancing on Thursday.

Here is an idea I had and was going to start pre-covid, but had to put aside. I'll becstsrtingvit as soon as we are fully opened up.

I got my colleagues at work who know me to write down things I should try on a piece of paper and put them in a jar. Nothing illegal though. Haha. I have about 60 suggestions and I have no idea what they are. The rule is that I pull one and do it. When complete, I'm off to the next. The idea is that it forces me out of my zone.

I pulled the first one just before lockdown. It said that I had to contact my town's volunteer services and put in a half day. Who knows the doors that will open?

JSG, what a great idea! Love that.

These are all great, thanks so much!

Justsomeguy love that idea!

AnnieOakley:

Full disclosure…I had a brief exchange with someone in a restaurant on Sunday. After I left I decided to stop in at a local dive bar about 2 miles down the road. Who should walk in an hour later, but the same guy. He’s hot, dances salsa (!) and 10 years younger! Just had cocktails tonight. Hopefully going dancing on Thursday.

How CUTE! I hope you have a wonderful time dancing with the hottie!

[This message edited by stubbornft at 12:31 PM, July 14th (Wednesday)]

In regards to feeling like your friends are too busy - as my therapist tells me, let them decide that. I am continuously surprised at how much my friends show up and spend time with me. And I’m in a season of life where most of them have young children. I used to feel like they felt sorry for me and so wanted to spend time to make sure I was okay, but it’s been a while now and I really think they just want to hang out and I should trust them on that.

If you want to hang out with friends, just ask. I actually found that once I wasn’t saddled with my ex that I was a much more fun person and I had more space and energy to deepen my friendships which has been amazing.

Yes, weekends alone were a bit confusing for me at first, too. They became a lot easier when I realized that its very core, the answer to "What do I do this weekend?" is not anything specific (which restaurant, who do I hang out with, etc). Don't start with that. Start with the true answer: "Whatever the hell I want." And go from there.

Start with the true answer: "Whatever the hell I want." And go from there.

True!!! I have a busy weekend and I will be out of town with my sons next week so I am hoping this weekend is easier than the last.

If you want to hang out with friends, just ask. I actually found that once I wasn’t saddled with my ex that I was a much more fun person and I had more space and energy to deepen my friendships which has been amazing.

You are so right. I haven't told many people about the split, but as soon as I do they are so wonderful. I told a running friend last night that I hadn't run with in a while and she was so great & texted me when she got home that she was proud of me and better days are ahead.

Sometimes people are the worst but sometimes they are the best :)

So many good suggestions.

I remember the first time I sat in a restaurant alone, it was weird, but once done; not so bad.

Also, one of the first weekends after we were legally separated, I had gone to the mall to a makeover place that my son and his wife insisted on. I got the makeover, and they bought me a new lipstick and blush. It was fun.

Then they had to leave, so I stayed to walk around. I saw the movie complex and I thought to myself "hmm, I have never been to a show alone" So I pushed myself to go in. I looked at the movies playing and chose "War of the Roses"

I laughed and cried and it was a good experience. Even had a guy, try to hit on me. I just smiled and walked away, but it didn't hurt my feelings.

I stayed in various hostels and made myself travel, eat etc alone

I traveled to a business conference alone.

And you know what? I am finding it a whole lot more fun than being in a lie of a relationship with a acheater. (Yes we were those people who did lots of things together so looking back I wonder how he had time to carry on his affair. So I get where other posters are coming from.)

As far as specific activities you can find friends to do all kinds of things ... I would love to try new vegan places to eat, for example. I like to hike. Yard sales and thrift stores are fun to treasure hunt.

I did find that there is a whole world out there beyond my cheat and lie filled marriage.

There are days I can relate to the shelter pet that cowers in the corner of the cage....I think I might apply to foster a shelter 🐈😺.

I wish everyone much joy in exploring new opportunities.

I can't tell y'all how much your replies have helped me. Shehawk wish we could go have a vegan lunch! You should for sure adopt or foster. My dogs snuggles have gotten me through some sad nights.

I went to the beach last week with my sons. We had a wonderful time. Each time I would miss WS I would picture him sitting there and how bad he would have made the trip. He was awful and hateful when I triggered. Thinking of the "new" him not the "old" him helped me zap back to reality and not miss him. It was a really good time and I was proud of myself for facing reality.

Thanks to the replies in this thread I made a point to go to breakfast alone one of the days. It was great! I sat on a patio and had a healthy and yummy breakfast and drank a yummy coffee and watch the people passing by and I felt 0% lonely. It was a nice morning with myself

My boys are 17 & 19 so traveling is so much easier than it was years ago. I enjoy their company so much. They are funny and they love and respect me and I love and respect them. I feel so thankful for all of the good in my world.

I do still feel sad at times but mostly it is just because I am leaving what has been comfortable. I know it is what is right.

I hope you all have a wonderful week!!!

This morning I tried out the women's hiking group that I found on Meetup and it was a lot of fun! They do hikes every Saturday and Sunday morning so lots of opportunities to make the hikes.

I felt a little sad Friday night and last night re: WS. Today agitated and pissed. I have therapy tomorrow and should finally start EMDR (the last 2 visits have been just talking about current and past traumas).

I hope you are all doing well!