SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I never thought I'd be back here posting on this site. If you look at my member number you'll see I'm almost an OG.

I've not posted in years but I feel very strongly that God wants to let someone know that a full beautiful life can be restored. That beauty can come from ashes. That the latter house can be greater than the former.

For H and I life is normal now and has been for quite a while. The only reason I've been lurking through the forums is because we are currently trying to help provide some guidance to some friends who are considering reconciliation after their D-day. And we're prayerfully considering beginning a marriage ministry in our church.

This far out, that part of our life seems like a bad dream. Something that happened a life time ago. We are in such a great place that there are no more triggers, no more gut feelings that something is off, no more checking phones, or browser history, no more worrying when a 15 minute store run takes an hour because he ran into a coworker/friend and lost track of time chit chatting, no more hurt or pain.

We can openly talk about our lives during that time to others and not have to come home and deal with mental movies or reassure each other that every thing is still ok.

We have been completely free from the demons of infidelity for almost 10 years. It took 6 years of facing down personal as well as marital demons to get to this point. But this point is a very real place that is completely attainable for two people who are willing to surrender all and who humble themselves, who are willing to push through leaning into and yielding to the process of accountability and working to ensure success.

That being said please know my prayers are that ALLof you to reach this place with as few scars as possible, with so much peace that you go weeks, months and even years with no triggers. That you and your spouses are healed and released of every traumatic event that causes you pain right now.

And most importantly that when you reach this place you turn and reach a hand out to those who are struggling and speak life and hope into their darkened world.

Much love to all!!

Healed and Reconciled

Eta: we're currently 44 and 45 our D is now 22

[This message edited by KhristinaC at 10:21 PM, July 1st (Thursday)]

This is the most encouraging thing I've read in a long time. Thank you.

Thank you for the update. I don't want to generalize but I wonder what your thoughts are on BW's vs BH's.

Anecdotally, it seems to me that the positive updates seem to overwhelmingly come from BW's as opposed to BH's. I wonder if BH's are typically just wired differently, and if sexual betrayal simply is a dealbreaker for faithful men -- even when they choose to stay.

and if sexual betrayal simply is a dealbreaker for faithful men

It absolutely was to me until it happened, then with kids and lives entwined it makes it more complicated. 9 months out I still struggle, and although things have turned a corner these past few days, I comfort myself knowing the consequences of A have no statute of limitations, and I can slowly start to trust again knowing I can change my mind if I need to. Should I change my mind and pursue a D even after a few years, I have conviction that I will not be sinning. Such is the result of A.

I have read that generally men have a tougher time with a PA than women do. I know my WW told me that a meaningless ONS wouldn't hurt as bad as a longer EA. She has no idea how fortunate she is that so long as she's married to me she will never have to experience either. Truly, she has no idea how painful it is.

Thank you for posting. Really needed some encouragement today.

and if sexual betrayal simply is a dealbreaker for faithful men

Of course, it could be that men generally communicate less about feelings than women do....

That could have impact in many ways. For example, it might keep men from communicating about their success in R. It could keep men from dealing with their emotions. And those are far from the only 2 options.

*****

Thanks for the update, KristinaC. I'm happy for you.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:09 AM, July 2nd (Friday)]

If you were speaking to my H he would echo my sentiments. This is a place we have both fought to get to. He will tell anyone who will listen how blessed we are to have made it to the other side of infidelity.

Generally speaking from our experience, for men the physical part of an affair is harder than the emotional and its the opposite for women.

I believe we are wired differently. Not just women/men but as individuals. What would be a deal breaker for one person may not be for another. What we must realize is that we are human and even though we are in a relationship we are still seperate people who process and deal with trauma in our own unique individual ways. It has been scientifically proven that our brain waves are as unique to us as our finger prints. So we have to extend grace upon grace if we're in true reconciliation. However if there has been a boundary set then the consequences must be followed through with. This is why Hubby and I encourage people to not set boundaries that they aren't willing to follow through with executing the consequences.

True reconciliation requires the 110% effort of both people to truly work

Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. 17 years out myself, and life does get better and does provide an opportunity to help others.

KhristinaC thank you for the update. So good to hear others echo my experience at 11 years post d-day.

@HUM1021 Yay to another old timer chiming in. Thank you for sharing.

There really can be a day when you are free from all this.

It’s so nice to see positive updates from further out. They say it takes 2-5 years to heal, but I think it takes much longer to break free from the bonds infidelity has on us.

Incredibly wonderful post about R. Very uplifting.

Thanks for the encouragement. Be blessed.

Anecdotally, it seems to me that the positive updates seem to overwhelmingly come from BW's as opposed to BH's. I wonder if BH's are typically just wired differently, and if sexual betrayal simply is a dealbreaker for faithful men -- even when they choose to stay.

A study that sisoon recommended to me in another thread found that BWs and BHs who responded were still married and living together at the same rate (76%).

The article is Help for Therapists (and Their Clients), available as a free download from Peggy Vaughan's website. Again, credit sisoon for the info.

KhristinaC is right, if your partner is truly remorseful and you work on yourselves (IC) and your relationship (MC) you can be happy together again.

I would just emphasize how important it is to stick with the healing process and leave no stone unturned in understanding what happened and what it takes to heal from such a trauma.

I'm back here after 15+ years of happy R because I'm once again feeling anger, sadness, and anxiety over unresolved questions because I chose to "move on" rather than plod through the painful process of dealing with everything.

Thank You so much for coming back and sharing your story !!! There are so many posts where the veterans come back because they have experienced another Dday. THIS post gives HOPE that it isn't always the case .

DEMONS. That is such a good word to describe what happens when a trauma like betrayal comes into our lives. I didn't necessarily see it as all this stuff being demons...but I knew I had to FIGHT in order to find my sanity again. The sad part is I was fighting God at first...blaming Him for my distress . Once I realized it was God who was actually HELPING me...then I felt ashamed at my lack of faith . Thank God He gives us chances to redeem ourselves !!!

I am HAPPY to say that these demons are LOSING...and LIFE is so GOOD again!! I am actually in my 7th A season...and things have gotten so much BETTER from even my last A season . Thank You God!!!

And most importantly that when you reach this place you turn and reach a hand out to those who are struggling and speak life and hope into their darkened world.

These are very profound words...and you have helped so many people by reaching out like this . You can help even MORE though...by copying and pasting your post into the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread that is pinned at the top of this Forum . In THAT thread...your story will live on for those coming here in the RAW PAIN that a new betrayal brings. It will give them HOPE .

HUM1021...YOUR story in that PRS thread would do for BH what KhristinaC's story will do for BW .

This is exactly what I needed to read. Bless you.

Absolutely wonderful to read thank you both KhristinaC and HUM1021

..currently 44 and 45..

OMG... you're both still just a couple of kids!

Great post to read...but I was 62 when I found out the truth..(now 74) Surprise..surprise..

smy