Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
Just found out husband cheated on previous wife- when pregnant

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 Charlie99 (original poster Member #66195) posted at 10:38 AM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

I really don’t know what to do with this.

Given recent discovery of him maintaining friendships with female co workers I knew nothing about, it’s put a whole new twist on things.

posts: 138   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2018
id 8671113
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 1:39 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

This information is gut wrenching. How did you find this out?

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10531   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8671134
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HellFire ( Member #59305) posted at 1:44 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

IMO, that's one of the lowest things a man can do. He could very well have given her an std. Some stds are catastrophic for an unborn child.

This news means he is a serial cheater. It's not a one time affair. It's simply who he is

posts: 3706   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8671136
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 Charlie99 (original poster Member #66195) posted at 3:22 AM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

One of his ‘friends’ told me whilst drunk. I confronted him and he admitted it. First wife never knew.

I’m still processing.

posts: 138   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2018
id 8671723
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ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 4:14 AM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

How long have you been married?

Are you planning to have kids with this “man” ?

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1435   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8671734
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babypuke ( Member #56585) posted at 7:26 AM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

Have you asked him more questions? Such as whether he has ever cheated on you? Whether he has cheated on his previous wife more times and/or with you? His thoughts about monogamy and non-monogamy? His text messages to these other women, can he show these to you and let you read them? Maybe even ask him to do a poly lie detector test? Of course, cheaters lie and cover their tracks, but you better have a watchful eye now, alarm bells are ringing. Strength!

posts: 342   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2016
id 8671771
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babypuke ( Member #56585) posted at 7:34 AM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

P.s.: Does he go out in the evenings without you or comes home late from work or has work that allows him to leave easily and unaccounted from work and to go elsewhere (e.g., self-employed or company boss, real estate agent, advisor visiting clients, construction job, etc.)? Maybe hire a Private Investigator to do some research where he hangs out and with whom, and to let this PI look into credit card records, any hotel rooms paid for? Etc.

posts: 342   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2016
id 8671772
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Bonetired ( Member #78518) posted at 10:21 AM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

Ouch. That's a tough one. What a thing to have to process. It sounds like things have been hidden from you for a long time. Would make me question what else he hid. I was cheated on when I was pregnant as well. His ex may know more than you think. How did he say the marriage dissolved between the two of them ?

posts: 340   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Grand Rapids
id 8671778
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Bonetired ( Member #78518) posted at 10:21 AM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

Sorry double post

[This message edited by Bonetired at 4:22 AM, July 2nd (Friday)]

posts: 340   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Grand Rapids
id 8671779
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annb ( Member #22386) posted at 10:51 AM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

Charlie, you joined this site two years ago.

Seems like nothing has changed.

Now you find out he's cheated on his first wife? God only knows how many others during that marriage and the manipulation/lies during your marriage.

I wouldn't believe anything that comes out of his mouth at this point. Sorry.

posts: 11257   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8671781
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 12:52 PM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

I’m wondering if you knew this info if you would have married him.

Sounds like fraud to me. He pretended to be someone he is not.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10531   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8671797
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 Charlie99 (original poster Member #66195) posted at 2:53 PM on Saturday, July 3rd, 2021

Thanks for all the replies. I’ve read them all. I’m still just really numb.

The affair happened a long time ago. My step son is 7 this month.

We only got married in February. I came back on here a couple of years ago to try and help me process a lot of the residual emotions from my first marriage, which ended 7 years ago as well. In fact the first Dday anniversary is this Monday coming. It was also good to have a place where people understood what it’s like to attempt relationships after being cheated on.

I thought I was ‘safe’ with this guy. I’ve known him since I was a teenager. He has, even thinking back to when I was a teenager been a ‘stand up guy’, and I never had any reason to doubt him. Until now. Every discussion we have ever had about trust, fidelity, deal breakers, you name it, the responses have been exactly what I needed to hear to have no doubt about him. The way my kids took to him, and the mutual friends me shared, gave no indication of this.

Your replies have been helpful in helping me look at a few things. Due to my ex husbands treatment of me and the kids, I have never blended finances with this man. I still have my old home being leased, he has his being leased and we moved into a rental together until we found a house big enough to home our combined kids comfortably. He earns more than I do, and I realistically could move out tomorrow if I needed to.

I already have methods in place given the recent texting I found, to verify information. He started sharing his location with me as a form of reassurance when I found the texts. He never goes out at night without me. We really look like a couple in the honeymoon phase, because we are always together.

As I said, I don’t know what to do with this info, and at the same time I don’t want to ask about it, yet.

posts: 138   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2018
id 8672159
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JT4588 ( Member #42971) posted at 3:17 PM on Sunday, July 4th, 2021

Is he aware that you know about his affair when he as previously married? Or are you sitting on the info?

Listen, I’m just going to be blunt - he had an affair when he was married previously. He has been meeting up with a woman for coffee that he never mentioned; in fact, never mentioned her at all. HUGE red flag and you need to recognize it right now. Honeymoon phase and he’s doing that and hiding it from you? Forgive me for being skeptical but I’m guessing his history has a lot more in it than one infidelity. I might be wrong but even if I am he still cheated on a pregnant wife AND was engaged in sketchy behavior in your marriage. He’s not a stand up guy. He’s a guy with issues. Run…run fast before you waste any more time on this man. Life is short and you deserve better than this.

posts: 164   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2014
id 8672323
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CoderMom ( Member #66033) posted at 3:18 AM on Sunday, August 1st, 2021

Have you set good boundaries? Sought counseling? Sounds complicated. My first husband cheated with 11 women that he told me about. No idea how many there were that he didn't tell me about, but I'm sure there were a few.

posts: 223   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2018
id 8680271
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Bonetired ( Member #78518) posted at 4:15 PM on Sunday, August 1st, 2021

My ex cheated on me while I was pregnant. For me it showed me a part of his true character. There is something missing or broken in him to this day. He also seemed like a stand up guy. Not putting this on you but this kind of behavior can run deep. Everyone makes mistakes but this isn't just a oops I goofed up sort of mistake. This requires some deep psychological digging to get to the bottom of it. I would hope he did some soul searching but if his ex never knew I doubt it. Sounds like a case of rug sweeping to me. That means he isn't dealing with this broken part of him that caused him to do what he did. I hope he will be willing to dig deep into his own psychological working's to find and fix the why he did it. Don't let him fool you into the narrative "I just didn't love her or she wasn't you I would never do that to you." It doesn't matter if he did or did not love her and if he was married to her and she was pregnant my guess would be this wasn't the case. One of the things I find interesting is how many of us wether or not we were in love with someone or the relationship was on the rocks so to speak would never...and I mean never cheat on our spouse. It's a matter of decency and integrity. So what part of his brain made it ok besides the excuse of being drunk. I hope you can find the answers and have this worked out. Hugs for now.

[This message edited by Bonetired at 10:23 AM, August 1st (Sunday)]

posts: 340   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Grand Rapids
id 8680351
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Aletheia ( Member #79172) posted at 9:37 PM on Sunday, August 1st, 2021

Every discussion we have ever had about trust, fidelity, deal breakers, you name it, the responses have been exactly what I needed to hear to have no doubt about him.

So he lied. Because I’m assuming one of the first things you asked when you started dating was whether he’s cheated in the past. What was the circumstance under which his friend randomly told you this while drunk? And when your husband admitted it, did he at all seem remorseful?

Your best must be just as glorious as your betrayal was destructive.

Don’t allow people to “Life is short” you to amend bad relationships. Forgiveness /= reconciliation. Leave them people where they are. Life was short when they did what they did.

posts: 186   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Everywhere & nowhere
id 8680413
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bookworm19 ( Member #54871) posted at 8:14 AM on Monday, August 2nd, 2021

As I said, I don’t know what to do with this info, and at the same time I don’t want to ask about it, yet.

He cheated on pregnant wife... there is nothing else to do with this info but run. And you say

The affair happened a long time ago.

20 years or more would be long time ago.

Red flag right in your face, please, opern your eyes. Cheating on pregnant wife is all you have to know about his character...

English is not my language, sorry for mistakes and funny words...

posts: 445   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2016   ·   location: Europe
id 8680481
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AnnieOakley ( Member #13332) posted at 10:44 AM on Monday, August 2nd, 2021

I would be beyond furious at what I assume is his complete lack of honesty. Your description of a standup guy…cheating on his pregnant wife does not fall into that category.

Are you willing to demand that he divulge the truth to the exwife?

I hope that you have been tested for STDs. Given his affair as well as hidden female friends, the pessimistic side of me thinks there is more you have not uncovered.

You deserve so much better.

Me= BSHim=xWH (did the work & became the man I always thought he was, but it was too late)M=23+,T=27+dday=7/06, 8/09 (pics at a work function), 11/09 VAR, 6/12 Sep'd, 10/14 Divorced."If you are going through hell, keep going."

posts: 1681   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2007   ·   location: NoCal
id 8680487
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Tempocontour ( Member #65971) posted at 1:49 PM on Monday, August 2nd, 2021

It goes to show that you never truly know a person, period. Could you nullify the marriage since it's still been only a few months? You should think about this if you don't feel safe with him after what you just learned.

[This message edited by Tempocontour at 7:52 AM, August 2nd (Monday)]

posts: 76   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Northeast
id 8680504
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 8:11 PM on Monday, August 2nd, 2021

All you know is that in his previous relationship he cheated.

Wife pregnant? It’s really a common thing. I don’t know why but we see a lot of stories about men cheating when their spouse is pregnant. I’m guessing we can find all sorts of Freudian theories about angst and childhood insecurities, but to me it always boils down to lack of character.

However…

The REAL issue here IMHO is how he dealt with it.

Does he still think it was OK? Did he repent? Regret? Why the divorce? How was his then-cheating dealt with? Was it a one-off or a pattern? What has he done since?

If you were to ask him and he tell you… well… what then?

I think that’s your first post. Ask him about it, reminding him that you have discussed infidelity and he always assured you nothing will happen. Work from his response.

We get a lot of people here that insist a cheater can’t change. I don’t think those people fully realize on what basis this site was founded.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8680632
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