Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
Just found out husband cheated on previous wife- when pregnant

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Hurtmyheart ( Member #63008) posted at 2:21 AM on Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021

My deceased WH did it to me too. Messed up no matter how you look at it. And he developed an STD from her while I was breastfeeding and still having sex with me. So glad nothing was passed down.

Your new WH is already showing you that he didn't change with his first wife and neither with you. When he shows you the truth of who he really is and obviously still is, believe him. Now the question is what are you going to do about it?

I remember my DWH coworker was jumping from one women to the next and each time he was with a new women, he would cheat on her too. What a loser he was.

I don't have the desire to meet someone new and have a repeat. I trusted my deceased WH so much and this is also what he did to me and much more. Not worth walking down that path again, in my opinion, just to be lied to and mistreated again, like you are now going through. Such a shame. And the two of you recently married. Even worse. I am sorry for you.

posts: 715   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8680739
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HalfTime2017 ( Member #64366) posted at 2:49 AM on Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021

Discussing behavior. This happened to the OBS in my case. All I can say is you were only married in Feb. you should cut your losses now.

My exWW, I laugh at her all the time b/c you know the guy she got with is an absolute dirt bag who cheats on his pregnant wife. Who does that?

Than, I look at my exWW and think, DAMN, you're a bigger piece of shit. You knew his wife was in pregnant and you still chose to stick your head in that? How desparate, and low self esteem do you have to have to engage in that type of shit. NO THANKS.

Your new Husband is a cheat, and a really shitty one at that. I would put cheating into different categories, and cheating on a pregnant lady I would have as probably one of the worst ways to go about it. You can't get any lower.

posts: 1144   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8680743
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 Charlie99 (original poster Member #66195) posted at 7:36 AM on Thursday, August 12th, 2021

Thanks for all the responses, although I’m not sure I needed all the posts that made me feel like I was stupid for being numb still.

Being in rolling lockdowns here in my state in Australia has also made it difficult to fully process it all. I’m still incredibly conflicted about it all. On one hand I’ve discovered ‘my person’ has a pretty horrible past, and is a liar. On the other he’s done nothing but be incredibly supportive in helping me understand and process it. Everything I have asked of him has been given freely, and then some.

I’m still also in self protection mode. I’ve also made it so that I find out pretty quickly if there is anything ‘extra’ going on. I don’t like living like this, and I feel incredibly deceitful having some of these things in place, but as a friend pointed out, it’s ok to keep some things close yo your chest in this case.

My overwhelming emotion today is anger, and a need for some sort of retribution. I don’t want to express any of it with my kids around, so I’ve been taking lots and lots of walks. Hoping this lockdown eases sooner rather than later, so that I can process some of this without an audience.

posts: 138   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2018
id 8683009
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 12:45 PM on Thursday, August 12th, 2021

I was numb for 3 months after I found out about my H’s affair. I think it’s normal given the traumatic gut punch you just received.

I understand the anger phase too. I think you are doing very well to manage all of it given the lockdown situation.

As far your marital situation I am sorry for you. You are facing a tough road b/c of the current secretive meet ups your H has been having + his past cheating. It doesn’t seems like he understands what marriage is all about. Trust. Respect. Honesty. You know those qualities that people have that stop the cheater from going down that path.

Have you been able to talk to a professional counselor at all? It may help you tremendously.

Your H knows his "coffee friend" was wrong. He just did it anyway.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10531   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8683019
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 Charlie99 (original poster Member #66195) posted at 2:33 AM on Friday, August 13th, 2021

"Have you been able to talk to a professional counselor at all? It may help you tremendously."

I’ve been in counselling since before I met my husband. It has helped, but again lockdown has meant doing sessions via phone or locked in the bedroom. It’s incredibly hard to talk freely with the kids floating around.

We did commence marriage counseling just before this lockdown. I got a lot from it, even though it was only one session. My husband did too I think. I did express to him it was a lot different from when I did it with ex husband- therapist then told me to ‘have some dignity and let him go what he needs to do." In hindsight I shouldn’t have even bothered with that therapist. But caught up in a cycle of gaslighting and bad advice, it was hard to see.

I think this may be part of the problem. I went thru so much with my abusive ex husband, I’m still dealing with the repercussions, years later. I struggled for so long to trust myself, let alone those who had always supported me, and we’re always honest with me. I did what I thought was due diligence previous to marrying my husband in an effort to protect myself from this hurt. It has just reinforced to never let my guard down, and I’m on high alert again.

I always thought that if I just asked the question and being direct in the early days of dating would help me prevent this… it always did in the past. I found most genuine people who had been through similar know the pain and a good person would have enough integrity to prevent that pain by being honest. I liked that my husband could empathise. His relationship prior to his ex wife ended because of infidelity (yes, I know this to be true, and on her; I knew her brother in law through work). This just adds another layer to it. I asked him why he never told me the truth when I asked- he said because he didn’t know where we were headed, and I seemed so ‘ambivalent’ about our ‘status’.

I’m just rambling now. So many things I’m trying to process; and order in my head.

posts: 138   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2018
id 8683182
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Aletheia ( Member #79172) posted at 3:45 PM on Friday, August 13th, 2021

he said because he didn’t know where we were headed, and I seemed so ‘ambivalent’ about our ‘status’.


What?

Your best must be just as glorious as your betrayal was destructive.

Don’t allow people to “Life is short” you to amend bad relationships. Forgiveness /= reconciliation. Leave them people where they are. Life was short when they did what they did.

posts: 186   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Everywhere & nowhere
id 8683277
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nekonamida ( Member #42956) posted at 4:49 PM on Friday, August 13th, 2021

I asked him why he never told me the truth when I asked- he said because he didn’t know where we were headed, and I seemed so ‘ambivalent’ about our ‘status’.

Translation: I knew you would probably dump me if I was honest so I chose to be dishonest in order to keep our relationship going.

Basically he took your agency to choose knowing the truth away from you which seems to be a running theme with cheaters.

posts: 4964   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8683310
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jb3199 ( Member #27673) posted at 7:17 PM on Friday, August 13th, 2021

I asked him why he never told me the truth when I asked- he said because he didn’t know where we were headed, and I seemed so ‘ambivalent’ about our ‘status’.

I'm a person that gets very hung up on agency. To have that unilaterally taken away from us without our knowledge is wrong; having it taken away from us by lying to conceal the truth adds yet another level of cruelty through selfishness.

Are his infidelities behind him? Maybe. To your knowledge, he has not cheated on you.

Is his lying behind him? Obviously not, and this is very troubling.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3818   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8683387
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 Charlie99 (original poster Member #66195) posted at 9:13 PM on Friday, August 13th, 2021

So what do I do? Leave? Because he’s a liar?As far as I know nothing has happened on these coffee meet up, although dodgy, they haven’t happened in months, and I have ways of alerting me if they do start again. The lying is really bothering me, but at this point, I’m not willing to throw away my relationship because of something 8 years ago. This is where I’m caught.

I’ve also told him I refuse to live with the fear of ‘doing something wrong’ and pushing him into the arms of another woman. That’s on him. The ambivalence I may have expressed at the beginning of our relationship is irrelevant now- I was in self protection mode after being let down by so many people. I don’t think he grasped that then.

All these things keep me up at night.

posts: 138   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2018
id 8683422
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 Charlie99 (original poster Member #66195) posted at 2:14 AM on Saturday, August 14th, 2021

I’m doing what I can…. Preparing for the worst but hoping for a miracle. A rare unicorn.

My gut is giving me nothing. Nothing at all. So confused.

posts: 138   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2018
id 8683459
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 4:33 AM on Saturday, August 14th, 2021

You do not have to do anything. Whatever you decide to do or not do is up to you.

But your H firs have some serious issues to address. The "coffee dates" are unacceptable. Period. He needs to stop dating this woman - b/c not telling you he was meeting her is a 🚩.

He needs to understand honesty and monogamy.

He needs some professional help. And he needs to figure out how to become transparent and do things to make you see he values his marriage, family and you.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10531   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8683473
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 Charlie99 (original poster Member #66195) posted at 12:50 PM on Monday, August 16th, 2021

Thank you The1stwife.

I feel like I should be doing something but your post helped me realise it’s not on me to do anything.

I still don’t know how I feel about him, but I don’t know if that’s because we’re in lockdown or because I’m overwhelmed. I do know I’m in detective mode somewhat- I’m 99% sure he’s unaware of that. Or maybe he is and is just hiding it better. So conflicted.

posts: 138   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2018
id 8683726
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jb3199 ( Member #27673) posted at 7:19 PM on Monday, August 16th, 2021

So conflicted.

We can understand that. It's overwhelming to think, in the blink of an eye, that your entire future is now in question.

1stWife is right--you don't have to do anything immediately. Your situation does not put you up against the clock. Take this time to really think about what you want in your future. If it's to move forward with him, let him prove that he can be a safe partner. Let him prove to you that he can be honest and authentic. He put your entire relationship in jeopardy by lying; maybe he can salvage it with honesty.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3818   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8683797
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 Charlie99 (original poster Member #66195) posted at 2:32 AM on Friday, September 10th, 2021

I know who she is, and I know who her husband is. They were married 3 months after my step son was born.

My question- would you tell the AP’s partner? I don’t know if I would just be causing more drama in something I wasn’t involved with at the time. I’m grappling with causing pain for something that happened so long ago, when it’s not really my right to be as angry about it as I am. My husband didnt cheat on me with this woman, he cheated on his Ex wife. Who I have an immense amount of respect for, who as far as I knew knew nothing about what was going on.

My husband and our MC have both suggested that his behaviour at the time was a combination of immaturity, poor coping mechanisms and undiagnosed depression. He is doing everything he possibly can to relieve my anxiety about it all, and the issues it has thrown up for me.

His friend who actually told me about the affair also rationalised it as ‘when a chick with a banging hot body and a fantastic personality starts paying attention to you when your wife has been in a permanently bad mood since becoming pregnant- of course he’s gonna be confused’.

I’ve learnt so many things about him, and me, and the depths people go to to make themselves feel better the last few months.

posts: 138   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2018
id 8687823
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cheatingisabuse ( New Member #75651) posted at 3:17 AM on Friday, September 10th, 2021

"when a chick with a banging hot body and a fantastic personality starts paying attention to you when your wife has been in a permanently bad mood since becoming pregnant- of course he’s gonna be confused’."

His friend sounds like a real winner…
Does your husband share this mentality??!

posts: 10   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2020   ·   location: California
id 8687829
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 Charlie99 (original poster Member #66195) posted at 3:26 AM on Friday, September 10th, 2021

No, thankfully he doesn’t- it is an indicator of his friends mentality though. In real life we call him ‘Mr 28 days’- because women don’t stick around any longer than that. I understand why now. It also gives me a bit of insight into why he told me in the first place. Not exactly mature.

posts: 138   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2018
id 8687832
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BluerThanBlue ( Member #74855) posted at 3:34 AM on Friday, September 10th, 2021

Your problem isn’t necessarily that your husband cheated on his ex-wife.

Your problem is that he continues to lie, either actively (such as when you asked him about his history and views on infidelity) and by omission.

Don’t argue about what he did his previous marriage outside of the context of his inappropriate behavior right now.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 474   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8687835
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cheatingisabuse ( New Member #75651) posted at 3:51 AM on Friday, September 10th, 2021

Yeah but he’s someone your husband chooses to be friends with and chose to confide in about his affair.

I agree that the BIGGER problem are his lies of omission to you, but this other stuff does matter. Doesn’t make it not matter that he didn’t cheat on you. He cheated on his PREGNANT wife and never came clean. I’d want to know why he never told her and whether it ever bothers him.

posts: 10   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2020   ·   location: California
id 8687839
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 Charlie99 (original poster Member #66195) posted at 9:59 AM on Friday, September 10th, 2021

He’s my friend too. That’s what makes it hard. I don’t believe my husband shares his views, and I keep thinking that ‘I don’t know what his life was like then’. I know how messed up I was in my unhappy marriage previously. I never cheated, but I was involved in a whole lot of unhealthy relationships with friends that pulled me down, and trapped in a sucky job and marriage. If anyone had offered me a chance to distract myself from any of these things, I can’t say honestly I wouldn’t have taken it.

I’m planning on bringing a few of these issues up at counselling- like does he feel any guilt? Why was ok to lie to me about his coffee dates(thankfully I know these have stopped, and there has been no contact).

My IC told me that I’m trying to do a personal risk assessment, without all the facts.

No one has really answered my question if you would tell the APS husband, even if it was so long ago.

posts: 138   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2018
id 8687856
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HalfTime2017 ( Member #64366) posted at 6:29 PM on Friday, September 10th, 2021

I don't think its your place to tell the AP's husband, when this was long ago, and it didn't happen to you.

You can ask your husband to be a Man and own up to it. He should be the one, since he is a 1st party to tell the AP's husband. It will be part of his fixing himself. See how he responds to that, or make it a requirement of your reconciliation.

It sounds like you're going to stay and try and make it work, I wouldn't do much MC right now, as it should be on your H to do IC on his own. YOu will have to be vigilante with your H for a long time and will always be on the watch.

As for his friend, now you know how he thinks, his immaturity, I'd be on the watch when those two hang out as well. Just seems like a lot of work to have to police your spouse.

posts: 1144   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8687972
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