SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I really don’t know what to do with this.

Given recent discovery of him maintaining friendships with female co workers I knew nothing about, it’s put a whole new twist on things.

This information is gut wrenching. How did you find this out?

IMO, that's one of the lowest things a man can do. He could very well have given her an std. Some stds are catastrophic for an unborn child.

This news means he is a serial cheater. It's not a one time affair. It's simply who he is

One of his ‘friends’ told me whilst drunk. I confronted him and he admitted it. First wife never knew.

I’m still processing.

How long have you been married?

Are you planning to have kids with this “man” ?

Have you asked him more questions? Such as whether he has ever cheated on you? Whether he has cheated on his previous wife more times and/or with you? His thoughts about monogamy and non-monogamy? His text messages to these other women, can he show these to you and let you read them? Maybe even ask him to do a poly lie detector test? Of course, cheaters lie and cover their tracks, but you better have a watchful eye now, alarm bells are ringing. Strength!

P.s.: Does he go out in the evenings without you or comes home late from work or has work that allows him to leave easily and unaccounted from work and to go elsewhere (e.g., self-employed or company boss, real estate agent, advisor visiting clients, construction job, etc.)? Maybe hire a Private Investigator to do some research where he hangs out and with whom, and to let this PI look into credit card records, any hotel rooms paid for? Etc.

Ouch. That's a tough one. What a thing to have to process. It sounds like things have been hidden from you for a long time. Would make me question what else he hid. I was cheated on when I was pregnant as well. His ex may know more than you think. How did he say the marriage dissolved between the two of them ?

Sorry double post

[This message edited by Bonetired at 4:22 AM, July 2nd (Friday)]

Charlie, you joined this site two years ago.

Seems like nothing has changed.

Now you find out he's cheated on his first wife? God only knows how many others during that marriage and the manipulation/lies during your marriage.

I wouldn't believe anything that comes out of his mouth at this point. Sorry.

I’m wondering if you knew this info if you would have married him.

Sounds like fraud to me. He pretended to be someone he is not.

Thanks for all the replies. I’ve read them all. I’m still just really numb.

The affair happened a long time ago. My step son is 7 this month.

We only got married in February. I came back on here a couple of years ago to try and help me process a lot of the residual emotions from my first marriage, which ended 7 years ago as well. In fact the first Dday anniversary is this Monday coming. It was also good to have a place where people understood what it’s like to attempt relationships after being cheated on.

I thought I was ‘safe’ with this guy. I’ve known him since I was a teenager. He has, even thinking back to when I was a teenager been a ‘stand up guy’, and I never had any reason to doubt him. Until now. Every discussion we have ever had about trust, fidelity, deal breakers, you name it, the responses have been exactly what I needed to hear to have no doubt about him. The way my kids took to him, and the mutual friends me shared, gave no indication of this.

Your replies have been helpful in helping me look at a few things. Due to my ex husbands treatment of me and the kids, I have never blended finances with this man. I still have my old home being leased, he has his being leased and we moved into a rental together until we found a house big enough to home our combined kids comfortably. He earns more than I do, and I realistically could move out tomorrow if I needed to.

I already have methods in place given the recent texting I found, to verify information. He started sharing his location with me as a form of reassurance when I found the texts. He never goes out at night without me. We really look like a couple in the honeymoon phase, because we are always together.

As I said, I don’t know what to do with this info, and at the same time I don’t want to ask about it, yet.

Is he aware that you know about his affair when he as previously married? Or are you sitting on the info?

Listen, I’m just going to be blunt - he had an affair when he was married previously. He has been meeting up with a woman for coffee that he never mentioned; in fact, never mentioned her at all. HUGE red flag and you need to recognize it right now. Honeymoon phase and he’s doing that and hiding it from you? Forgive me for being skeptical but I’m guessing his history has a lot more in it than one infidelity. I might be wrong but even if I am he still cheated on a pregnant wife AND was engaged in sketchy behavior in your marriage. He’s not a stand up guy. He’s a guy with issues. Run…run fast before you waste any more time on this man. Life is short and you deserve better than this.

Have you set good boundaries? Sought counseling? Sounds complicated. My first husband cheated with 11 women that he told me about. No idea how many there were that he didn't tell me about, but I'm sure there were a few.

My ex cheated on me while I was pregnant. For me it showed me a part of his true character. There is something missing or broken in him to this day. He also seemed like a stand up guy. Not putting this on you but this kind of behavior can run deep. Everyone makes mistakes but this isn't just a oops I goofed up sort of mistake. This requires some deep psychological digging to get to the bottom of it. I would hope he did some soul searching but if his ex never knew I doubt it. Sounds like a case of rug sweeping to me. That means he isn't dealing with this broken part of him that caused him to do what he did. I hope he will be willing to dig deep into his own psychological working's to find and fix the why he did it. Don't let him fool you into the narrative "I just didn't love her or she wasn't you I would never do that to you." It doesn't matter if he did or did not love her and if he was married to her and she was pregnant my guess would be this wasn't the case. One of the things I find interesting is how many of us wether or not we were in love with someone or the relationship was on the rocks so to speak would never...and I mean never cheat on our spouse. It's a matter of decency and integrity. So what part of his brain made it ok besides the excuse of being drunk. I hope you can find the answers and have this worked out. Hugs for now.

[This message edited by Bonetired at 10:23 AM, August 1st (Sunday)]

Every discussion we have ever had about trust, fidelity, deal breakers, you name it, the responses have been exactly what I needed to hear to have no doubt about him.

So he lied. Because I’m assuming one of the first things you asked when you started dating was whether he’s cheated in the past. What was the circumstance under which his friend randomly told you this while drunk? And when your husband admitted it, did he at all seem remorseful?

As I said, I don’t know what to do with this info, and at the same time I don’t want to ask about it, yet.

He cheated on pregnant wife... there is nothing else to do with this info but run. And you say

The affair happened a long time ago.

20 years or more would be long time ago.

Red flag right in your face, please, opern your eyes. Cheating on pregnant wife is all you have to know about his character...

I would be beyond furious at what I assume is his complete lack of honesty. Your description of a standup guy…cheating on his pregnant wife does not fall into that category.

Are you willing to demand that he divulge the truth to the exwife?

I hope that you have been tested for STDs. Given his affair as well as hidden female friends, the pessimistic side of me thinks there is more you have not uncovered.

You deserve so much better.

It goes to show that you never truly know a person, period. Could you nullify the marriage since it's still been only a few months? You should think about this if you don't feel safe with him after what you just learned.

[This message edited by Tempocontour at 7:52 AM, August 2nd (Monday)]

All you know is that in his previous relationship he cheated.

Wife pregnant? It’s really a common thing. I don’t know why but we see a lot of stories about men cheating when their spouse is pregnant. I’m guessing we can find all sorts of Freudian theories about angst and childhood insecurities, but to me it always boils down to lack of character.

However…

The REAL issue here IMHO is how he dealt with it.

Does he still think it was OK? Did he repent? Regret? Why the divorce? How was his then-cheating dealt with? Was it a one-off or a pattern? What has he done since?

If you were to ask him and he tell you… well… what then?

I think that’s your first post. Ask him about it, reminding him that you have discussed infidelity and he always assured you nothing will happen. Work from his response.

We get a lot of people here that insist a cheater can’t change. I don’t think those people fully realize on what basis this site was founded.