Newest Member: Armyman9196

Divorce/Separation :
Is this unusual?

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DanielJK ( member #75654) posted at 1:16 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

I feel for you TD.

This is not what any of us wanted.

Same here, half my life almost 25 years together.

Hang in there, I'm thinking about you today.

There is no right or wrong answer, so don't second guess yourself... It wasn't you who broke up the partnership.

BH 51
STBXWW 53
2 daughters, 14 and 16
Filed for divorce 12/23/2020

After a year of hell I finally moved out (5/26/2021).
Divorce still pending.

posts: 455   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2020   ·   location: CT
id 8671132
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 1:46 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

She wasn’t able to meet you anywhere close to halfway even in R. You know you are making the right choice. It’s just not what you want. My WS (like you, together 25 years never married) has been a model XS. - fair, even generous, no drama, no conflict. But he wouldn’t give what I needed in R. And here we are. I know I had no choice and I’m good where I am now. But it’s still a damn shame he blew up a good relationship.

It gets better. Hang in there.

Me: BS 54 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA
Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4240   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8671137
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Sally24 ( new member #70794) posted at 2:15 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

FWIW, I also think you're doing the right thing for you. Now go sit in your new place and contemplate. At least don't be in your old space when she gets home.

I'm another one in the club of having spent half my life with him. And we have 2 teenagers. After 3 years of this (since dday), my logic knows he won't change, but my heart still won't let go and tries to come up with excuses. I'm just hoping to have an amicable separation and co-parenting situation like you're looking at.

Don't forget to breathe.

Never let your fear decide your fate

posts: 21   ·   registered: Jun. 18th, 2019
id 8671144
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LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 3:04 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

Is it unusual? It's rare, but if you feel good, that it's a healthy space for you then there is no harm that it's rare right?

Won't lie and say I don't fear you're setting yourself up a little, "can we be friends" is a connection some waywards try to forge because it allows them to maintain the "I'm the good guy" status. If your friend has a problem and is not willing to face it will you allow them to continue self sabotaging it? Because being friends, being someone she can rely on (basically you still meeting her BF needs without the physical) prevents her from owning her issues and fixing herself.

So the back of my mind there is that BUT we only have one life right and if you are 100% with this new dynamic then good luck to you.

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 185   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8671151
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clouds777 ( member #72442) posted at 3:36 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

You are making the right choice. She is essentially choosing this because she won't go NC or give you what you need for R.

You have been MASSIVELY accommodating since she COULD choose to fix this and she will not. You are doing an excellent job of maintaining boundaries.

I am amazed that you do not have anger towards her since she could choose to at least attempt to fix this and won't. There is literally nothing you could do differently, only her. So because of that, leaving is the only healthy thing to do. She is fine with being a shitty partner and losing you because of it. I am sorry it hurts so much.

posts: 138   ·   registered: Jan. 1st, 2020
id 8671157
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stubbornft ( member #49614) posted at 4:03 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

She wasn’t able to meet you anywhere close to halfway even in R. You know you are making the right choice. It’s just not what you want.

YES.

This is brand new and painful. But I do think you want to start making boundaries soon. One of you will start dating before the other. And if you wait until a new partner comes into the picture to start setting healthy boundaries it is going to get MESSY and more painful than necessary.

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 814   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8671167
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 4:21 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

You can't control her actions or decisions.

Everyone wears a mask(s). So you don't really know what she's thinking/feeling.

What you do know is what you see (she is not choosing you over ....).

You'll never know the 'why' behind her behavior/choice.

Part of your healing involves stopping the endless cycle of trying to understand why.

Be thank full that going-your-own-way is peaceful.

posts: 2422   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8671178
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 TwoDozen (original poster member #74796) posted at 5:14 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

You are doing an excellent job of maintaining boundaries

And this was our issue during R. Life has taught her that my boundaries are “controlling”

Really I only asked for the basics, less than most would ask for

Transparency (truth past present and future) and NC

But unfortunately she has watched her mother lead a less than fulfilled life because her father said no to everything that she has built up a stubbornness and defiance over her lifetime and projected her fathers behaviour onto me.

Sadly life has also taught her that rugsweeping is the solution too. Worked for her sister, her mother, her grandmother and her grandmothers sisters. Not one of them split after their own individual MLC As and all still in loveless marriages post A

Play stupid games ; Win stupid prizes

posts: 371   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2020
id 8671194
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 6:25 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

TD,

My parents had a very amicable D (it was not over an A though). I can't say I personally had the experience, but felt I was headed toward an amicable D when that seemed like the path I was on.

I think it's a very good and mature way to handle things.

Well essentially we get on great, we don’t argue, I don’t ram her A down her throat and we enjoy each other’s company.

...

Neither of us want what is happening but she could not deliver what I asked for and I cannot give her what she wants

My needs - NC / truth (she works with AP and doesn’t want to talk about the A so no IC and no timelines etc for me)

Her needs - Pretend it never happened just move on and be better to each other.

The reality is that she gets at least some of what she wants in the D, because you are willing to rugsweep in D. You both gain freedom from the other person, which allegedly neither of you want, but she saw someone else while you were together. I don't think it takes a rocket scientist to figure out who is most likely to find someone new.

You are entitled to whatever feelings you have about this. If it makes you sad, then be sad. If angry, be angry. If happy, be happy.

Take a moment to reorient yourself. I know you were having a hard time visualizing the future. Well, you have taken the first few steps. So start thinking about what you want in your new life.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1403   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8671217
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 7:52 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

She’s got the best of both worlds. Her new lover all to herself and you for the family back up plan. Why wouldn’t she be happy?

Definition of friend - loyal, honest and trustworthy.

What are you going to get out of this long term?

Is this the example you really want to set for your kids?

posts: 6711   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8671246
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 8:00 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

Neither of us want what is happening but she could not deliver what I asked for and I cannot give her what she wants

Sorry man but this is exactly what she wants. She’s divorcing you for her other man. Her actions tell you that.

You can effectively coparent with a good no contact policy.

Sounds like you are trying to control what you have no control over.

Do you want to move on and have a life or stay bound up in this?

When her AP moves in with her and your kids do you really want to be around that?

[This message edited by Marz at 3:00 PM, June 30th (Wednesday)]

posts: 6711   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8671249
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nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 10:35 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

But unfortunately she has watched her mother lead a less than fulfilled life because her father said no to everything that she has built up a stubbornness and defiance over her lifetime and projected her fathers behaviour onto me.

I know it's hard for you to see this now but - how exhausting. You've spent 26 years living under his shadow. And now it's what prevents her from staying with you. Was the A her way of "punishing" you for the curse of being male like her father? Who knows but what I do know is that when you heal and find your next partner who DOESN'T hold the sins of someone else over you, it's going to feel like a breath of fresh air.

posts: 5026   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8671317
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Notagain1 ( new member #78464) posted at 12:09 AM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

How strange to find this today!!! Your posts could be written by Me! For the most part we seem to be getting along fine, but I do have times when the pain and anger return and i think I'm crazy.

posts: 40   ·   registered: Mar. 7th, 2021
id 8671336
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Unsure2019 ( member #71350) posted at 10:23 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

TD,

I’ve been following you story from the beginning. I was really hoping you guys would make it. I think I may have posted this month ago, but maybe not. Your requirements for R were more than generous and it just baffles me that your WWGF was willing to lose the M (don’t know what else to call it) rather than give you the things that could have helped to heal you, the relationship and ultimately her too. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, as we’ve seen this play out over and over her on SI.

One concern I have for you is how you continue to be emotionally tied to WWGF. I know you’ve told us you both still love each other and both of you don’t want this to be happening, but it is. From everything I’ve read I would be willing to bet you WWGF will start dating and move on long before you do. If you don’t disconnect soon, when this happens, I think you’re going to experience what will feel like another DD. It might be even harder to handle than the first one, because you won’t be able to blame her or hold her accountable. You’ll just have to sit with the pain and what ifs. You can still effectively co-parent while disconnecting emotionally.

posts: 207   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2019   ·   location: California
id 8671649
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 1:31 AM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

Worked for her sister, her mother, her grandmother and her grandmothers sisters. Not one of them split after their own individual MLC As and all still in loveless marriages post A

Just curious but did you have this direct conversation with your WGF? We're all products of our FOO and sometimes it's helpful to have the negatives pointed out directly. I'll reiterate moving directly from spouses to friends isn't really feasible for most. Too much confusion to be had early on until those pathways die. You have to kill off the hopium in both first and it can be pretty damned persistent.

posts: 792   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8671701
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SI Staff ( Moderator #10) posted at 3:55 PM on Tuesday, September 21st, 2021

Bumping this up

posts: 10000   ·   registered: May. 30th, 2002
id 8689531
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naggingdoubts ( new member #22657) posted at 4:46 PM on Tuesday, September 21st, 2021

Bumping this up

Well bumped.

My divorce process felt very amicable as well but in hindsight there was more than met the eye. Was hoping to keep her as a friend in my life as well but that's not in the cards anymore and not something I wish to put more energy towards.

TD, Are you still on the friendship-path?

[This message edited by naggingdoubts at 4:48 PM, Tuesday, September 21st]

BS - 46 (me)
XW/WW - 44 (leftoolate)
D-day 1 January 9 2009, January 10 2009, February 27 2009
Divorced Mya 2021
D-day 2 July 2021
Married 18 years, together 28.
Children: 2 girls aged 17 and 16

posts: 11   ·   registered: Jan. 29th, 2009   ·   location: Netherlands
id 8689544
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Tigersrule77 ( member #47339) posted at 5:15 PM on Tuesday, September 21st, 2021

TwoDozen, I agree that stories like yours are rare on SI. I would say that my D was similar to your separation, and that it wasn't very contentious, XWW also wanted out of the M. She didn't lie to families about her actions, and lost her relationships with everyone in my large family (many of whom she liked). She waived alimony and we settled on CS.

Since then, things are still amicable. She is not a friend. We co-parent well. Kids are doing well. I encourage them to do things with their mom, and I hope they have a good relationship. I think it is certainly possible that you and XWGF can do the same.

I would suggest you try to minimize contact. Texting works great for when to transfer kids (if that's necessary for you). Your kids might be older/adults.

I see XWW on rare occasions and I am polite but do not go out of my way to be near or avoid her. She's an acquaintance and I don't talk about my personal life at all. And I don't ask about hers. I don't care.

posts: 1538   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8689550
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nothisfriend ( member #53171) posted at 5:16 PM on Tuesday, September 21st, 2021

It's very normal, take this day and feel the sads and the loss. It is an end of an era.

I equated the A and subsequent D as being a time traveler. I could see my future and then this thing happened that erased that future. No one but me could see or know what it was going to be so they couldn't really see the loss. It's a strange feeling.

Take the good where you can.

Me: BS 50 (at the time)
Him: WH 53 (at the time)
D-Day: 10/25/15
Married: 5/14/1988
One son, age 18 (at the time)
D final 9/13/16

posts: 1258   ·   registered: May. 11th, 2016   ·   location: Illinois
id 8689552
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