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Wife of 17 years has been having a multi-year affair

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M1965 posted 5/28/2021 16:52 PM

…they had already agreed that if I ever found out it would [be] over.

She offered to text him and end things in front of me. I agreed, and she texted both he and the girlfriend. She told them I had found out and that it was over. They texted back saying she was a good mom and wished her the best.

That all seems weirdly disconnected to me. No questions about how she was? How you were? What she was going to do?

And why would casual sex partners say she was a good Mom, when that was nothing whatsoever to do with their activities? Whose benefit were they saying it for? Sending you a message?

This is nothing more than a gut feeling on my part, but it smacks of a pre-planned scene about what they would do if she got busted, particularly as she suggested it.

And if it is genuine, and all three of them really are so casual about what they have done to you, and the potential destruction of a marriage and family, or the harm that may have been done to you, they really are empty spaces where human beings ought to be.

You absolutely must get a lawyer, and insist that he does a thorough audit of the marital assets and what your wife has been doing with her money. The whole thing stinks, and the financial well-being of you and your kids has to be your priority now.

scaredwoman posted 5/28/2021 16:58 PM

I am sorry, there is more to the story than what she is telling you. And the reply from her two lovers was too easy. They wished her well? I think it's a cover to lead you to believe it's over.

Keep the attorney appointment; she does not sound like she's remorseful at all, and you deserve better.

CuriousObserver posted 5/28/2021 17:08 PM

You have been given good advice. Please heed it.

You are playing from behind with a very skilled opponent. Her hubris may help you. You need to be two-faced for this.

This is a possible approach: keep her off balance and let her think you are hoping for reconciliation. You could make some requests (not demand - be passive, you are bluffing) of her for a timeline and other assurances that she is remorseful. You could even accept some of her ideas. In the meantime have your lawyer draw up papers, order all financial records of the last 3 years sent to him for discovery, and have her served. Do not expose her or report him to anyone until after she is served. Then go full exposure to all family and authorities.

WontBeFooledAgai posted 5/28/2021 17:14 PM

Well, first of all, well-done on confronting your WW. But you know that your work has only just begun. Please keep in touch with your attorney.

First, what she said about "being unhappy", meaning to tell you for the past few months she is unhappy, is just complete nonsense. I mean, let's unpack this.

1. 'I was unhappy' is a rationalization that cheaters use to make themselves feel better about their atrocious choices and to help them save face. Even if she was unhappy for the past few years, your marriage was NOT what allowed your wife to DECIDE TO take another man in behind your back, nevermind all this missing money.

2. Her actions blew the marriage and whatever the problems the marriage may have had, to smithereens. For the past 3 years you at least, you have basically NO IDEA of who your wife is. She was living another life behind your back, betraying you, financially as well as sexually and emotionally. This completely invalidates whatever she may say about feeling disconnected or taken for granted. You cannot talk about fixing the issues in the marriage now because that has been completely blown up, since she started her affair and then the full on financial infidelity. Just like you cannot talk about remodeling the kitchen in your house after it has burned to the ground.

And things HAVE been burned to the ground. Not only are there a full 3 years of sexual and emotional infidelity, but there seems to be an awful lot of money missing. How does a massage cost, what was it again, $1000. Not to mention the $6k and then the $155k.

(A few people have brought up your WW's boyfriend writing back that she is a good mother, I consider that to be neither here nor there. Your WW is *not* a good mother, but then whatever WW's boyfriend thinks does not matter, he is not exactly a paragon of integrity either.)

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 6:10 PM, May 28th (Friday)]

RealityBlows posted 5/28/2021 17:38 PM

Sorry, but it sounds like your marriage is over. This A was premeditated, entered into and continued for THREE YEARS with countless missed opportunities for her to fix things the appropriate way, the loving and caring way. She repeatedly chose not to. She's absolutely indifferent towards you, your family and the marriage. She doesn't love you. The opposite of love is indifference. She entered into this affair knowing full and well that it would result in a divorce and didn't give a rat's azz. She decided to ride this affair out on your back, with you taking care of the home front, as long as she could possibly get away with it knowing it would destroy you, the marriage and the family. She even built an escape plan. Then the coup de grace, blaming you and the state of the marriage is just freaking bonkers.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 5:40 PM, May 28th (Friday)]

clouds777 posted 5/28/2021 17:56 PM

You need a forensic accountant immediately.

Her story doesn't make sense and if it is true, she is truly cold hearted. 3 years is a very long time to do this to her family.

I would go ahead and file for d and protect your assets including a forensic accountant. That was not solely her money to spend on her boyfriend. She stole from you and your kids. You can always stop the divorce process but she is obviously very good at deceiving you and coldly calculating to get what she wants so please please protect yourself now while you're still in shock and then take some time to see what she does next before you even consider r.

homewrecked2011 posted 5/28/2021 18:03 PM

Do not ever tell her about this site.

elKAPPYtan posted 5/28/2021 18:08 PM

You don't want to hear this but you need to DNA your kids. Something hit me about their reply to her breakup text. Could be nothing, but something seems off about the your a good mom comment.

Feels off, DNA.

guvensiz posted 5/28/2021 18:38 PM

This seems like an exit A. I wasn't expecting her to show remorse anyway, but I was surprised by this coolness and indifference. I thought at least that she would be flustered and show a bit of regret for being caught. She even thought about what to do if she was caught.
Obviously, she had already finished the marriage in her head and lived as if she had not been married for a long time.
As some have said, maybe these account moves are for hiring a lawyer and preparing for a divorce. If not, $ 6000 probably has something to do with AP. Remembering that he thanked her for the financial support, it's clear that she didn't just pay for the massage. Maybe she would give him that money today. Maybe she didn't even cancel the hotel reservation, who knows what a cheater can do. You should take a list of all account activity backwards and calculate the total of such expenses. That money belonged to your family and your kids.

Although she seems to want to try both reconciliation or divorce, it is clear that she is already ready for a divorce. She's probably doing this just to make it seem like the divorce happened because of the marriage problems between you two, not because of her adultery and to be able to say "we tried, it didn't work" and pretend the decision wasn't her.
She was unhappy for long time (3 years at least i assume) and she never even told you about it. Oh yeah, she was just going to tell you but you confronted her. Probably if you waited another 5 minutes, she would tell everything by herself. Of course, we have to forget that she tried to delete all the evidence and denied the A.
What does she mean by making the marriage better? If that was something she could do, why did she choose to cheat instead of doing it? Or does she think cheating is something that makes marriage better? So what will happen next?
So since she didn't see the problem in herself, she sees you as responsible for the bad marriage and her unhappiness. Did she say anything accusing you about it? Don't buy even the slightest accusation. This is %10000 on her.

Your kids are 4 and 1 years old. So if she had no other A, she started an A when the older was 1 and she became pregnant with the younger one during the A, and they continued to have intercourse during this time. You should take DNA test definitely.

I don't recommend that you engage in behavior that could be perceived as a R request at this stage. It never works for you to appear willing for R when she's doing nothing to show that she wants R except one reluctant sentence. This will mean pick me dance. Poly test, tracking her phone etc. These are the steps for R. Tell her she can do whatever she wants and you don't care and start the divorce proceedings. I suggest you apply hard 180. Reduce your communication to the issues related kids and divorce proceedings. During this process, if she shows real remorse and she doesn't want to lose you, you can reconsider your divorce decision. But if she keeps acting like this, don't stop.

[This message edited by guvensiz at 6:38 PM, May 28th (Friday)]

steadychevy posted 5/28/2021 18:38 PM

Iceman, you've been given some excellent input and advice so far. It seems you've really stepped up and been proactive, too. Good for you. Many of us didn't, me included, and we want you to avoid the pitfalls and mistakes we made.

I'm so sorry you are here. It's a pretty good club for a really shit reason. Maybe the best club nobody wanted to ever know about or join.

I just wanted to add a little. You've already been told to VAR, lawyer, forensic accountant, etc. That's great. There could have been a lot of marital money spent on the massage gigolo. Half that money is yours. Just because she got a massage before fucking doesn't mean it wasn't part of the sex. She was paying to get fucked. BTW, how many massages have you had in the last 3 years?

The comment I want to make is about her unhappiness with the marriage. You went to MC before hand. Both satisfied and wanting to go ahead with children. You agree to stay home and care for your children.

When did this unhappiness raise it's ugly head? I suggest it was when she started committing adultery. You see, she's an honourable woman. In order for her to justify or rationalize fucking around there must be something wrong. Since she's an honourable woman it must be that the marriage was bad. That's called re-writing marital history. It was you and not her.

Don't buy that for a minute. When someone is cheating the atmosphere at home does deteriorate. Often the BS doesn't know why and doubles down to make things better at home.

You were at home. What did you do when she was coming home late? You tried to make things easier for her, didn't you. You didn't go out and find solace in another woman's bed. The comment about being unhappy in the marriage is just bullshit. Don't buy it. It was created for her own conscience.

Stay strong, sir. It's hard. I wish for you clarity of thought and strength of mind. We're here for you.

longsadstory1952 posted 5/28/2021 19:03 PM

God man. This is horrible. She bones a guy and his squeeze for three years and tells you things need to get drastically better or she is out.

Of corse things were fucked up! You do get she was boning the guy during her pregnancy, right?

So look. The sooner you can get a filing underway, the sooner you get a court order protecting your assets and preventing her from making any significant moves with the money. She will be stayed from taking the kids, not that she seems to want them. Also, you can move to have her pay your lawyer. You are also entitled to alimony.

It’s going to be a long weekend. Do not engage with her. Keep your distance at all costs. Never tell her what you are thinking. Do not let her touch you until you get std results.

And remember, every word that comes out of her mouth is a lie. That is the only way forward for you.

You are going to have to get a job so get your mind right to that.

And finally, the gall of this woman telling you the kids are yours. How the fuck does she know? And willingly conceiving a child in the midst of a long term sexual affair, knowing it was going to continue after the birth “until you found out” is nothing short of sheer evil.

Your wife is an utterly despicable user. You do understand that she holds you in contempt now and has for a long time.

Blow up her world and go to the licensing board. His license is history.

ShutterHappy posted 5/28/2021 19:08 PM

So on Monday you were happily married, taking care of your family, and on Tuesday, you found out your WW has been having a romance with an OM for 3 years and has been taking away marital money.

This is very hard to take. Make sure you take care of yourself. Seek help from friends and family. None of this is your fault and it’s not your job to hide your WW infidelities.

In normal marriage when spouses are unhappy, they work together to solve their problems. Having an affair doesn’t solve marital issues. As far as excuses go, this one is really poor.

Notice how cold her response was? This woman appears to be caring only for herself.

When you feel desperate and it hurts so much you can’t sleep or eat, tell yourself that none of this is your fault.

All of the posters here can speculate where the money goes but none of us really know. None of it makes sense.

Try to detach as much as possible so you can take the best decisions for you and your kids.

There’s so much to this story that doesn’t make sense, but if you are choosing to D, you don’t really need to know more; just protect yourself with a lawyer and take care of yourself.

survrus posted 5/28/2021 19:24 PM

You wrote, They texted back saying she was a good mom and wished her the best.

There is something about that statement which makes you just want to throw up.

That they knew she had young children and continued to put those children's mother and their family at risk of destruction does not fit with the breezy greeting card sentiment expressed.

If this had happened to me both OW and OM would get excessive retribution.

KingofNothing posted 5/28/2021 19:31 PM


[This message edited by KingofNothing at 10:40 PM, May 28th (Friday)]

KingofNothing posted 5/28/2021 20:04 PM


[This message edited by KingofNothing at 10:41 PM, May 28th (Friday)]

KingofNothing posted 5/28/2021 20:28 PM


Thanks for the informative update. Good heavens, there’s so much to unspool now, I’m not fixating on the male prostitution thing, but functionally, your wife’s adultery works out to her visiting him/them periodically, withdrawing 850 to 1000 dollars, paying him said money in advance, for “massage services” where sexual congress occurs as part of the visit, every time, sometimes with another person. Add to that a nebulous amount on top of that for meals, hotel rooms, gifts etc. it doesn’t take a calculator to figure out she’s spent about 18 to 20k on this man over the 3 year run of her adultery. If she’s getting railed every visit, then how is this NOT prostitution? Sure, she says the money is for the massage but the person telling you that is the last person who you should be believing right now. Think of it like this: swap the sexes of all concerned. If a man was dropping a grand a pop to visit a female massage therapist, and sex acts ensued, how would that be perceived in family court? If this doesn’t get you angry, it really ought to. You’ve been defrauded. I suspect 20k for sexual encounters is just the tip of the iceberg. I don’t presume to tell you what to do here but I would strongly suggest you move out smartly to protect yourself and your family. This has all the earmarks of going south, fast. In your shoes, I would think that divorce is inevitable. What you are describing is a partner totally checked out of her marriage and family life. The Love isn’t there, the trust has vanished, and neither of you will be able to respect each other after this. Her respect for marital boundaries disappeared after locking pelvises with a massage therapist for three years. It isn’t coming back. So act, act now. You’re hearing this a lot, I know this. It’s because everyone reading your thread knows the danger signs and are very concerned. I can’t add to the tons of practical advice except for a few points.

Seek out the services of a forensic accountant. You need to be 100% confident where your marital assets are, and how much of her adultery expenses can be recovered.

Start looking for a job, immediately. You have no reason to believe she’ll be cooperating for much longer. Your wife has a cold side that is pretty scary. She clearly was planning an exit and got caught before her plans matured. Look for her little slush funds.

She isn’t in this thing for the long haul, not how I see it. Her reaction seems like just another example of blame shifting and gaslighting. Don’t believe anything she says. She’s invested in lying to you and thinks she’s he smartest person in the room. How familiar this all is!

The marriage was deteriorating because of what she chose to do, not anything you did. Three years of deception and contempt for the chump she is defrauding and sleeping around on will ruin MOST relationships. These past 3 years were a result of her plan to gradually abandon you at the end of her cycle of adultery, and she has the unmitigated gall to complain about her own handiwork.

Listen to the advice, do all the practical things (STI checks, DNA test, bank accounts, lawyer). You have your evidence. You must be proactive and rough, now. The hardest part is making a decision. Sending you strength and resolution.

WalkingHome posted 5/28/2021 20:38 PM

There is a softness, lack of righteous anger, lack of self respect, lack of being grossed out, lack of kids details from a SAHD, lack of urgency about HUGE money, lack of “what will I do, where will I go”...that seems really odd from the OP.

MickeyBill2016 posted 5/28/2021 21:00 PM

That all seems weirdly disconnected to me. No questions about how she was? How you were? What she was going to do?

This couple has been screwing your wife and getting money from her for years to the tune of possibly $850 every few weeks?
I would not be surprised they aren't doing the same to other lonely horny woman with money. Maybe not threesomes maybe they see "clients" individually.
She's been doing this for at least 3 years and wants you to shape up or ship out...The marriage sucks because she is not in it.

To do list.
•Lawyer draw up divorce papers
•STD test
•DNA test
•State Licensing Board
•Forensic Accountant - over 3 years she may have funneled tens of thousands of your family money to the massage couple, stealing from your kids

I hope that you have friends or family to support you through this.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 12:03 AM, May 29th (Saturday)]

Sharkman posted 5/28/2021 21:02 PM

You’re a good dude and you did nothing wrong, bud. Your next few months are going to suck but I promise you that in a year you’ll be back helping folks who are in your position.

Stevesn posted 5/28/2021 21:26 PM

There was no remorse in anything you described. She pointed an emotional gun at your heart and pulled the trigger and had showed no feeling for your pain.

You need to lead not follow. Tell her exactly what you need to see and feel from her the next 6,12, 24 months and let her know until you do, you are moving on. Leave no doubt.

You were in the same marriage. Was it bad? We’re you bad to her? Did you love her and care about her happiness? Because the last 3 years she did not care about yours.

It needs to be all about you from this point forward or there is nothing to even work with. She’s all about her. That’s not a WW who is a candidate for rebuilding.

Start moving on without her. If she follows, then she follows. Don’t expect her to. And don’t settle for a supporting role in your own life.

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