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when moving forward and then maybe wanting to talk with people or date again, do any of you worry so much about not being able to see the red flags or listen to your intuition to not get another WS?

I already see that a few I chatted with were people my kids knew! My adult daughter said omg, that guy dated my friends mom, stole from her and is a coke addict.

(wtf, gah, I liked him!)

so now I worry since I never dated from an app, that I cant trust anything. and the people I have dated in the past were friends of friends who all had some shady ass past or abusive. this is why I stayed with the bf for 7 yrs. he was the safest bet, until he was cheating... with people my kids age :( eww

I have no close friends in my area. all have kids and super busy. so Im sorta on my own. I dont go out much and never ever to bars. Im not a drinker.

[This message edited by lifestoshort at 11:21 PM, May 26th (Wednesday)]

Hey there life, you've been heard. I have no advice for you. I haven't had a successful relationship since splitting with my stbx. I'm a solid grounded honest confident human. But I'm pretty sure my picker is broken. I'm not really sure how to fix it.

I just wanted you to know you aren't alone. Fyi, I'm taking a long break from dating. It's just too hard. And I don't have the time right now.

I have been back on OLD just over a month after a long break and I am already getting nauseated by it. It's not that there are no decent guys out there, people who don't lie about themselves and are clear about their intentions....but to get to them, you need to wade through the less salubrious types and that can be a harrowing experience

My general advice to you is: if doing OLD is filling you with anxiety, it probably means you are not ready for it yet. OLD tends to work better when you approach it as a game, have 0 expectations, and are secure enough in yourself to take rejection without letting it affect your self-esteem.

Lts my advice is to work on you. Don't be in a huge rush to find someone. Find things that nourish your soul and get comfortable with your own company. Instead of filling your cup with someone else, fill it with friends and activities you enjoy doing. Work on getting to a point where a relationship is something that adds to your life instead of being the focal point.

You're weeks out from dday and what... 2 weeks from ending your prior relationship? Just my 0.02, but that seems awfully fast to be looking seriously to date again. And what your daughter said struck a chord with me - I watched my mom jump from one ass to another for years. I didn't like them either and she insisted she knew best and did it anyways. Those relationships didn't end well. I was able to look at them more objectively than she was because I wasn't viewing them through a romantic lens.

It's okay and normal for your instincts to be off right now. You've been through a lot. Give yourself time and space to heal.

I'm going to echo the advice that you don't rush out to start dating anytime soon. Your instincts will not be operating at 100% until you've healed from being in a toxic relationship and are happy being on your own.

But sure, I trust my instincts. I also recognize that I'm not a mind-reader or psychic, so it may take more than one conversation with a person to see any red flags that exist. I expect to encounter people who seem great for a while before I see behind the lie or get a clear picture of who they are. There's always the risk that though I can pick out red flags for flavors of fucked up that I've already encountered, there may be a flavor of fucked up that I haven't and I miss some flags here and there at first. That's life, though. Most people aren't toxic dumpsters full of nightmares anyway, lol. Most of us are just people with our little human flaws that aren't dealbreakers. I trust myself to weed through the actual toxic nightmares at this point.

In the past 7yrs of being single, there has been 3 gentlemen that I liked enough to have my sister meet them. Why my sister? Because she has killer instincts and has been dead on with all of her assessments of all of my boyfriends (I should have listened when she didn't like my exhusband).

She liked the first one (we broke up due to distance and I really wasn't ready to date), didn't like the second one (I stopped seeing him, his true colours shone through after that and she was right). She ADORES the man I'm seeing now and I also feel like he's a keeper.

I trust my instincts enough, now, but trust my sister's more.

Im a month out, and 2 months from the 1st DD.

Im not saying im anxious or wanting to seriously date. In fact I have been pretty much doing everything myself on my own since 2005 anyway. even when married. they were just here. but didnt contribute much. I did all the hard work. The bf and I just ended, didnt live together recently. its been 3 yrs since we lived together.

Ive never been one to hop from one to another. In fact, Im mainly alone all the time. except for my kids at home. Im a person who keeps busy but by myself. so Im starting to get antsy to get some friends in the area and do things w others vs myself. Ive had too much time on my own. Im bored.

I have worked on myself and Im tired of hearing that line. makes you to believe you have issues when I didnt cause the cheating. Im not the one with $hitty morals or character. I worked hard to be semi retired now. I have traveled alone for 18 yrs unless i take my kids...

the idea of a real partner in the future seems great.I have hope where prior I was adamantly against it and could not see it. now that the sparkles are off the $hit, I can see clearly. so yeah Im seeing what dating is about in this day. Im still old school. I wont do online video chats. just meet.

Just hoping my instinct sniffer will work when the time comes.

I believe that instincts actually get better after the end of a relationship. That being said, instincts are pretty much useless when viewing OLD profiles, because most people lie on the profiles. Like Karma said, you have to wade through the bad ones to find the good ones. A lot of people put "what people want to hear" on their profiles. Where your instincts kick in is the first (and sometimes 2nd) meetings. It's much easier to get fooled over a keyboard than it is in person.

I wouldn't be afraid to investigate who you're dating. Most of us have been through it once before and old enough not to want to waste time on dead ends. In today's world Its amazing what a little time with Google with turn up. I had a date once with someone who was divorced five times... That for sure was a one off once that turned up as I was unhappy to be divorced once. I can't imagine what issues leads someone to that never the less someone still in her 40s.

do any of you worry so much about not being able to see the red flags or listen to your intuition to not get another WS?

Yes!

My intuition is no match for a skilled liar/sociopath/narc/etc. When I look back on my marriage, I can see things that were red flags but they were minor and so easily explained away that I don't see any scenario in which I would've ended the relationship over them.

Like Dee said a different flavor of fucked up would be really hard for me to pick out. Same flavor - sure.

I'm not dating at the moment, but my rule will be: if anything even vaguely off arises, I'm out. Also, charm - if they're too charming, I'm out, as this is a quality all of the abusive and unfaithful men I've known have had in spades.

that I cant trust anything.

You've already started with the right perspective IMO. Go slow, a lot of people can hide who they are for a long time, but there are usually some cracks and red flags that show at about 3 months.

Go slow. Beware of love bombing. Go slow.

Yes up to a point. In my case, it is being too over paranoid in assuming they are up to no good. I have come up with these things to help with that. If you think about it, it is probably not your instincts, it is your brain IGNORING your instincts or, since you are probably jumping into dating too soon, your mind is fitting someone into an empty slot that does not fit there at all in reality. That is more of a problem right now for you than sussing out a good guy.

I have learned to watch out for:

A- the guy that takes too much control of the conversation and leaves me with a feeling they are a 'host'. Hard to explain better than that.

B- any type of messaging that doesn't flow naturally, right off the bat FOR ANY reason, even if I can't tell quite what it is. Also, if there isn't a back and forth with responses relating to what I actually messaged, I am out.

C- any type of initial introduction that doesn't mention something I wrote in my profile. Comments on my photo's or how is your day etc. I pass by. These men are fishing and fishermen on dating sites are a waste of time.

I'll bet the guy your daughter warned you about was one of these. Of course I have not had any absolute success (or horrible story either, I actually met quite a few really nice men (about 1000:1 ratio like someone else here mentioned), so take it for what it's worth

I think it might be more beneficial to find some friends first before you find someone to date. I'm in the same process myself and I am going very slowly on the apps. Just remember your motivation for reaching out to others, and try meeting people that do things that you like to do: ride bikes, walk, etc.

C- any type of initial introduction that doesn't mention something I wrote in my profile. Comments on my photo's or how is your day etc. I pass by. These men are fishing and fishermen on dating sites are a waste of time.

That's great advice. That should be in OLD 101.

so the guy my daughter pointed out,he was great, easy flow of chat, read my profile and made several comments and asked a lot. no clue he was a drug user.

there is another guy I spoke with who I also hit it off the bat with and he has SO much energy I asked him if he did any drugs. my next question is if he has adhd. Im laughing cause he has so much to stay but some is like... squirrel and hes all over. Not sure if he is trying to make me laugh or he is disoriented. I liked it at first and thought yep, he is one I would meet. He is interesting and has things to say and asks questions. Now I think there is something more. eek.

Go slow, a lot of people can hide who they are for a long time, but there are usually some cracks and red flags that show at about 3 months.

Go slow. Beware of love bombing. Go slow.

I agree with this absolutely. I saw issues in the 3 months w the last ex and the exH. I gave them the benefit of the doubt after I had a huge chat about it and my concerns. they seemed better. But overall looking back, it was never good for longer than 5 weeks and something would happen. for YEARS. probably why I felt anxious all the time and crazy part of it. I was always unsettled as they were unstable. Im the stable one. I pick up the pieces.

The funny thing is, with the exbf who just cheated. He did this within 3 months of being with her too. well she found out then. he did it to her the WHOLE releationship. anyone want to message her how dumb she is to take on this ex of mine? haha

anyway, thank you for your comments. I hope to decipher the way of dating today and maybe find some connection with another who gets it.

I agree with this absolutely. I saw issues in the 3 months w the last ex and the exH. I gave them the benefit of the doubt after I had a huge chat about it and my concerns. they seemed better. But overall looking back, it was never good for longer than 5 weeks and something would happen. for YEARS. probably why I felt anxious all the time and crazy part of it. I was always unsettled as they were unstable. Im the stable one. I pick up the pieces.

Me too!!!! I really wish to go back in time and slap myself silly about the things I overlooked or explained away about my ex. I found myself slipping into old patterns with one exboyfriend but luckily caught myself and ended it (which was when his true colours came out - 10 months into dating him)

I don't feel this way in my current relationship. He didn't love bomb me but made sure I knew his feelings. He doesn't grill me about anything, he follows through on EVERYTHING he says he will do and is an amazing father and employee. He's as stable as it gets and luckily for me he's also my kind of nerdy sexy

aww twicefooled I love hearing this!!!I hope to get that lucky. How did you meet him?

Im having some hope that I will indeed find the one who follows thru and does things I never had to ask for in the 1st place. a person with good character.

and a little nerdy too :)

Im having some hope that I will indeed find the one who follows thru and does things I never had to ask for in the 1st place. a person with good character.

and a little nerdy too :)

Same here. I feel like I evolved after years of OLD where I pretty much went after any profile I was attracted too regardless of their interests. Every marriage I've witnessed where the couple did not have any interests in common other than attraction eventually went bad. The problem is most women, whether it's part of their interests or not, usually don't put sci fi, fantasy or gaming interests in their profile. Which is funny because women like that are the holy grail to guys like me.

LOL gamer, and women like me are super against that. I want NOTHING to do with it. I need someone outdoorsy, builds things, active and gets up with motivation, not want to sit inside. Im done with guys who sleep in till noon on the weekends too because they stayed up all night. Im thrilled when guys put that certain things I dislike on their profile, or a beer pic cause I can pass it up.

You are right. There are so few girl gamers. Its because its not how we are wired overall.

I dunno, I know a lot of girl gamers and I'm way into sci-fi and fantasy books. I think a lot of us are wired that way, we just culturally wind up expected to do stuff like housework and cooking and childcare and literally don't have the time to do a gaming tournament at home. It's somehow more allowed for the husband/father to be in front of the computer for hours.

So those women are out there for sure. They just might not advertise it as much, lol.