Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
My Wife had emotional affair with old flame

Topic is Sleeping.
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 10:35 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

These are indeed good questions to ask her. Thank you! She claims she purchased the choker on Etsy but from everything ive been reading, this sort of thing is given to the submissive by the Dominant. So possibly another lie.

Count on this being a lie. I don't know much about the subculture of BDSM and don't care to know much, but it simply strikes me as a lie. Test the logic here: she just randomly bought a submission choker necklace? Really?

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8673252
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BlueRaspberry ( Member #76065) posted at 10:51 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

UseTaCould,

It really seems like you're jumping to reconciliation prematurely. You state

At this point im still working towards reconciliation but often wonder many things. I cannot imagine my life without her and I hope that she is as committed to fixing our M as she says she is.

She is NOT committed to fixing your marriage since she is still lying about the extent of the affair. You stated

Lately I have struggled with the BDSM thing big time. This came to light not by her telling me about it but about me finding out.

Hoping she is committed to your marriage is not a sound plan. Rather, you need to set boundaries and consequences, then observe her behavior. Since you cannot "imagine...life without her", she knows she can continue to lie and obfuscate without penalty.

You need to understand everything that happened so you can decide if this is something you can live with and/or forgive. To do that, you really should have her write out a new timeline (with the BDSM activities recently discovered) and explain you'll be scheduling a polygraph to verify completeness and truthfulness. If you don't do this, bank on more trickle truth and ONLY if you discover evidence. The polygraph can also help you understand if she continues to communicate with the OM.

Good luck.

posts: 218   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8673259
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Stevesn ( Member #58312) posted at 11:15 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

You will find out the details of the BDSM relationship through questioning and poly.

But remember the nature of such a partnering is that “he owns” her. And she got off on it. So while you were living life with her as husband and wife, she was thinking “I’m owned by another, not my husband”. It was a secret shared by them. And through it all she was fine with it making a fool of you. It’s as if she got a tattoo near her privates saying “I’m his, not my husbands”.

That is why I said she needs lots of IC. She needs deprogramming. She actually may still be thinking this way. Ask her how she can prove she is not. He may still be sending signals. Instructions.

It’s impossible to say. This is major trauma you need therapy for. Please don’t ignore that.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 5:15 PM, July 7th (Wednesday)]

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3167   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8673262
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asc1226 ( Member #75363) posted at 11:53 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

BTW who is the other BH you mention?

KETRIgHc

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 370   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8673296
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TMack ( New Member #78963) posted at 1:04 AM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

I checked Etsy and there are a number of such pieces of jewelry and a few of them match your description.

I did a little reading and discovered that the first step in every master/slave relationship is the signing of a contract. Sample contracts are available on line. Just Google - Submission Contract pdf. Who knew?

Every version of the contract requires the wearing of a collar 24/7. Collars can be made to look like jewelry to keep the relationship discreet but any member of the BDSM community would recognize it immediately and know she is submissive to a particular master.

I bring this up because if she has signed such a contract, it may explain the way she communicates with you. The contract limits communication and requires the protecting of the master under all circumstances.

These contracts are lengthy, detailed, and quite specific, what is agreed to is astounding and actually scary.

I don't know if her specific contract limits what she can say. If you ask is she has signed such a contract, she might be able to answer you. Regardless, it might help you understand what you and she are facing.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Jun. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Massachuestts
id 8673332
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MickeyBill2016 ( Member #56459) posted at 1:43 AM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

Ask her for her copy of the dom sub contract, but the dom probably has the only copy... and if Etsy is like every other thing on the web there will be a record of her buying it. Tell her show you where she got it and don't accept I don't remember as an answer.

All her dom has to have done is get on a plane to CO to consummate the vows, do you recall any over nights or all day "work events" that your WW went on in the last 2 to 3 years?

There are lot of layers to your wife's affair. It will take a while to unravel, is it worth it to you to spend 2-4 years recovering then the rest of your marriage keeping an eye on her.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 8:22 PM, July 10th (Saturday)]

9 years married.
13 years divorced.

posts: 1176   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2016   ·   location: West of the 405 North of the Mexican border
id 8673342
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 4:43 AM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

The contract limits communication and requires the protecting of the master under all circumstances.

These contracts are lengthy, detailed, and quite specific, what is agreed to is astounding and actually scary.

Gross.

Good grief if this is the case, ditch her and move on with your life.

Let her wallow in the mire and dirt of the existence she has created for herself.

If there are kids involved see an attorney about whether you can use this to get sole or primary custody. Court discovery could compel the revelation of the contract under penalty of perjury and favor your custody of the kids.

In my view there's probably very little point trying to reconcile with a woman this lost. Cut your losses. Don't succumb to the sunk costs fallacy.

[This message edited by Thumos at 10:44 PM, July 7th (Wednesday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8673380
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 1:35 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

She tells me she loves me and I tell her I love her too because its true I do still love her so very much.

I understand how painful the shattering of illusions can be.

But you might consider that what you really love is the wife you thought you had, as opposed to this duplicitous creature who has donned a submission slave collar for another man and then lied to your face thousands of times.

Read the short book “No More Mr. Nice Guy” and ask yourself if there's some of this tendency in yourself.

[This message edited by Thumos at 7:35 AM, July 8th (Thursday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8673458
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 1:59 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

I used to work with a guy that was into that stuff. Once you know they like that stuff it changes your perception of them.

Haven't talked to him in over 20 years. He liked women walking on his back wearing high heels.

Evidently it's very popular with local group 'parties' plus multiple conventions around the country where vendors sell equipment and costumes. And where people can match up.

There's a nationwide club called the "Black Rose".

Is she a member? IMO dealing with a fetish complicates things (it won't go away just because you R).

Maybe it would help to read their web site. They claim that it's not about sex. And maybe it's not about sex for your wife - but you don't know the OM's motives and how far your wife would go in her role as his sub.

This stuff is also discussed in psychology studies. Maybe you can google their research and findings.

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8673468
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 2:49 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

They claim that it's not about sex. And maybe it's not about sex for your wife - but you don't know the OM's motives and how far your wife would go in her role as his sub.

Even if it is “not about the sex” (which is kinda odd considering BDSM is saturated in obsession with sex) do you want to stay with a woman who put on a slave collar for another man for who knows how long?

Let's say it isn't about sex at all (but your WW’s illicit relationship with this man - men? - is almost entirely sexual in nature). Set aside the sex: your wife considers another man her master.

You cant nice her back and boy, that truism rings out strongly here. You can't negotiate attraction. Why try to dissuade a woman so far gone?

Give her exactly what she wants and let her wallow in the filth of the bed she has made.

That's what you are dealing with here.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8673479
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 3:32 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

Can we be clear on one thing? This was a sexual affair. The distance and that the sex was virtual only defines what type of sex took place during the affair.

If your wife and OM had been in the same room but in opposite corners and said the things shared or shown the actions in the images… would you still be calling this an emotional affair?

The moment any of the content is designed to create a sexual tension or emotion… it’s sexual. Emotional affairs are of a completely different nature, and although they often lead to sexual affairs then are not so by default. Your WW and OM had interactions of a sexual nature, therefore a sexual affair.

If you were to send someone a text saying “I want to f@ck you” that person could file for sexual harassment – not emotional harassment. Content matters. It defines what it is.

Those that are into the BDSM lifestyle insist it’s not only or even about the sex, but about the trust, the dominance, the power, the lack of power… I once even read an interview with a housewife who – once her husband left for work (and with his acceptance) started receiving her paying customers that simply wanted to be dominated. Since she never took off her clothes and there was no “sex” (as in penetration or direct touch) her husband was OK with things. The customers paid good money to be tied up, spanked, made clean the house… whatever. I can tell you from personal experience that there is no sexual arousal from cleaning a bathroom or doing the dishes for me!

However… With all that time since they broke up then for him to have this hold on her… She needs to go real deep to realize what she wants. If shes into the BDSM lifestyle and needs that in her life… well… for me that’s like when a partner turns out to be gay. Time to accept reality and cut losses.

Trickle truth is a bitch, but truth is needed to get some resolution.

I would seriously consider setting her some boundaries. Like give her 30 days to fully realize why she so eagerly jumped back into the passive role of being dominated and controlled by her ex. What is it in that life that she missed? Why did she go there? How can she convince you she’s taken back the control he had? Does she want YOU in that role? Are you into that? Could that work out? Can she be without it? Is this something you two could act out behind closed doors, or is this best left in the past?

Make it clear that IF she needs this lifestyle and IF she can’t convince you she’s free of OM dominance then the honest and best next step would be to end your relationship. No threats, no drama, just simple consequence of incompatible sexual and emotional requirements.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8673489
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 3:48 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

As usual, Bigger has some great advice. I would only add that the term “lifestyle” was coined by 20th century psychology. Before then it's dubious as to whether anyone considered themselves as having a lifestyle. It seems a softer way of saying “worldview” or “life philosophy.” When you put it in these terms things become a little more clear.

BDSM isn't a hobby. I like board games. It's a hobby. It's not a way of life. BDSM is a way of life that reflects a worldview, a way of seeing the affairs of mankind, the state of the world, the nature of men and women, the way that people should relate to each other.

It reflects a philosophy. It goes deep. It isn't a game when your wife decided to immerse herself in a slave-master relationship and donned an outward symbol of this every day, all day.

Then the question becomes is this life philosophy compatible with your life philosophy and worldview? Does it comport? Or are they diametrically opposed?

In other words your wife has a lot of splainin to do and writing it off as a lark or an impulse purchase on Etsy simply won't do. Your brain simply won't allow it.

Do you have the patience to see if a woman so deeply immersed in a life philosophy is able to change her very character, the fundamental drivers that make her who she actually is, rather than who you wish she was?

If you look at my tag line I believe that pressure reveals the fundamental nature of a person. Your wife's fundamental nature is being unveiled. Do you like what you see? Do you want it in your life?

[This message edited by Thumos at 9:57 AM, July 8th (Thursday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8673496
default

Tempocontour ( Member #65971) posted at 2:50 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

How are you doing? Hope you are doing ok.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Northeast
id 8677482
Topic is Sleeping.
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