SnowToArmPits ( member #50943) posted at 6:50 AM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021
She has gone out of her way to show me she is sorry
That must have one helllll of an apology. I'm sorry that my ex was my master and I was his slave and that we had all kinds of video sex for months and months and that I sent him lots of nude photos. Sorry about all that.
With a wife's online affair, any reconciling sane husband would of course police all things phone and internet related for this wife. You were talking about how hard it is to recapture joy. Policing a naughty wife is a joy killer. Tough and joyless again policing someone as sneaky as your wife.
Good luck mate, I wish you every success in your reconciliation. And keep one eye open.
UseTaCould (original poster new member #78773) posted at 12:57 PM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021
It’s totally up to you how you want to handle this. No one else gets any say so.
This is probably the best advice I've been given here. Every situation is different. I feel like I'm being ostracized. If I'm wrong about the direction I'm taking ill be the first to admit it and eat crow. But for now I'm taking it day by day like all of us do (thats not treading water). As for R I did not leave her and I did not kick her out by my choice. So What else is there other than working towards R? Thank you!
Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 1:20 PM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021
The men here are victims too so they know what you are going through. Some are divorced and some have reconciled. The ways to move to real reconciliation are for both of you to get counseling, marriage counseling down the road, her to make sure there are no more secrets, and you will have to find some way to let it all go so you two can start over. In long term marriages two people do wound each other. We can’t spend every day for the rest of our lives having this in our thoughts all the time. Time. That’s what it takes and a truly remorseful spouse. One thing almost all of us agree on is that it makes sense for you to continue vigilance. Only after a while can you trust her word again.
About joy. I am a happy person but I had a couple of experience while still a child that so that now I know people lie easily, and have some deep seated prejudices, and quirky ways. No one is perfect but we should all be striving to be.
[This message edited by Cooley2here at 1:23 PM, Thursday, November 18th]
To thine own self be true. Shakespeare
UseTaCould (original poster new member #78773) posted at 1:55 PM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021
One thing almost all of us agree on is that it makes sense for you to continue vigilance. Only after a while can you trust her word again.
fareast ( member #61555) posted at 2:35 PM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021
You are still very early in dealing with this trauma a five months. Your emotions will continue to vacillate. Be watchful and vigilant. Her actions over time will let you know if she is truly remorseful. Agree with steadychevy, best wishes moving forward. We all choose our own path out of infidelity. Good luck on your path.
Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.
Wiseoldfool ( member #78413) posted at 2:46 PM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021
The only person who can - and must - lead your life is you.
People here often talk about the fallacy of sunk cost. That’s a real thing. But so is the fallacy of divorce as a straight line to happiness. It isn’t. Divorce is a sometimes not so straight line to a different life, that might or might not turn out to be better than the life you could lead without a divorce.
Sometimes people post on BH threads and I can’t help but wonder if part of their motive, maybe even unknown them, is to justify their own decisions or to exorcise their own pain vicariously, to demonstrate how fully manly they are having done what they’ve done to avenge and redeem their manhood. So much of the advice given in those circumstances seems so punitive and not so much restorative, and a lot of that punitive stuff doesn’t even seem to do the betrayed a lot of good. It’s so much easier to destroy than to build.
Yours is a very painful and traumatic betrayal. It is very, very bad. No doubt about that. But people have rapidly divorced for far "less" and people have reconciled and recovered happiness in spite of far "more."
I think the best advice you’ve been given is to maintain your vigilance and process this pain as you move forward with the best life you can lead and to do so at your own pace for your own reasons. None of us anonymous internet strangers are going to be by your deathbed to praise or critique the choices you make, it’ll be only you that measures your own life.
[This message edited by Wiseoldfool at 2:48 PM, Thursday, November 18th]
Every secret you keep with your affair partner sustains the affair. Every lie you tell, every misunderstanding you permit, every deflection you pose, every omission you allow sustains the affair.
grubs ( member #77165) posted at 3:11 PM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021
It's a long haul even with two committed to R. 2-5 years before you really can get a feel for how successful it can be. Quite a few flame out at the five year mark after the BS realizes what is left is not enough. You really are in the early days for both of you. While you'll never get fully back to where you were at pre DDay, joy can return. Having said that your WW has permanently tainted your view of her. You will always know that she can, and did stray. There is no unseeing that of which she was capable doing to you. She can lessen that by continued positive actions but that will always be there.
The best place for you as a BS is to get is where you know you are going to be thrive regardless of how your relationship with your WW works out. That you are staying because the relationship is really working for you rather than fear of being alone, the unknown, or the shame of failing. You need to get to this place in order to feel comfortable in lightening the surveillance of your WW. That is exhausting for the BS. Your WW needs you to get there for herself, as she needs to stand on her own two feet. To Fail or not without your vigilance keeping her on the straight and narrow. Neither of you are there yet. It will be years. That's why the recommendation is always IC for both before MC.
Since R is your goal it may be time to move your posts to the Reconciliation forum instead of JFO. In JFO there's a primary focus on convincing the BS that they don't deserve the shit sandwich the WS has inflicted on them above all else. It's normal for a new BS to take on more blame than is reasonable. To want to cling to their M over all else. More than a few of BS in a successful R avoid JFO as fresh stories with similarities can trigger them. The waywards are prohibited from posting here and in pursing R, you really should have a full understanding of why your WW was capable of it and what steps she needs to take to prevent a reoccurrence. Other waywards can be your best ally in understanding that.
As with anything here, we only get a glimpse of what your life is. Only you have the full vision of what is going on. Take what works for you. Don't feel bad of ignoring what doesn't.
[This message edited by grubs at 3:12 PM, Thursday, November 18th]
medieval ( new member #78429) posted at 12:31 AM on Friday, November 19th, 2021
I feel like I'm being ostracized.
Not ostracized, naive maybe and definitely high on hopeium, but no never feel like you are being ostracized by your decision.
It is you life after all and you are the one having to live in your skin and wake up in your reality every day.
The hardest parts in all of this are the endless days to come from this point in time and well into the future. My hope is that you do not wake up a few years down the track and find yourself older, wiser and with a spouse who was at the end of the day just not worth the effort. Whilst that is my hope that this is not the fate that will befall you, it is my gut feel that this is the fate that is there waiting for you.
These dom/sub things are so deeply ingrained that even with years of professional help, relationship policing and an ever present vigilance, it can and will thrive hidden away from view. It's part of the enticement of that lifestyle where secrecy, stealth and the hidden nature of it is key. It's part of the allure, the excitement and the reason for it even existing.
That alone makes it such an extremely difficult thing to combat. That is what you are facing in your fight for R.
I hope you are up to it and that you have your boundary firmly in place and that mentally you are prepared to just walk away.
Because my gut tells me that this is a choice you will have to make one day.
Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 2:10 PM on Saturday, November 20th, 2021
I don't have a problem with giving her a chance. I can't advise whether you R or D (it's 100% your decision) - but I can advise on how to avoid/stay out of infidelity.
IMO, a two year texting/sexting affair combined with developing a taste for a master slave relationship is (among other things) an addiction. Addicts can white knuckle for a while but are high risk to repeat.
I think she'd benefit from therapy as to why being a slave/humiliation appeals to her.
Cheaters typically convince themself that they won't get caught so there's no harm. I think just the prospect of facing a polygraph (knowing she'll be caught) would discourage a repeat or any contact with OM.
Is she willing to take a polygraph (today, tomorrow or next year at your choosing)?
UseTaCould (original poster new member #78773) posted at 2:33 AM on Monday, November 22nd, 2021
UPDATE The OBS got the letter! I'll be talking to her tomorrow. I don't know what to expect. This has me somewhat relieved because now I know it's been exposed on both ends finally!
Blandy ( member #79252) posted at 3:08 AM on Monday, November 22nd, 2021
That's good news! That also confirms that the first was probably intercepted. Be prepared for any new information that may or may not come out of this. Is your WW aware that the letter was sent and received? If not, I would wait to inform her until after your talk.
Good luck! Hopefully you already have all of the information.
UseTaCould (original poster new member #78773) posted at 4:55 AM on Monday, November 22nd, 2021
Is your WW aware that the letter was sent and received?
I have not told my WW about any of this. I figured it would also be a good test to see if she finds out. If so that would mean the POSOM would still be in communication with her.
[This message edited by UseTaCould at 4:59 AM, Monday, November 22nd]
Blandy ( member #79252) posted at 5:33 AM on Monday, November 22nd, 2021
Excellent. Good call. Keep us updated. I know we can come across as harsh at times, but we just want you to be happy!
UseTaCould (original poster new member #78773) posted at 9:52 PM on Monday, November 22nd, 2021
Talked to the OBS today, as you can imagine she is in shock. I told her all that I knew. The POSOM told her the same cookie cutter thing that my WW did " oh it was only fantasy,and didnt mean anything, blah blah blah" BULLSHIT!!
I told the OBS to remember that cheaters lie all of the time. She agrees that it was much much more than what the POSOM was admitting. She told me when she showed him the letter he was as white as a ghost. ( I would have loved to see his face) She also told me she told him to leave. I also tried to encourage her with some of the things I have learned here, like its not her fault no matter what he says, and that she will want to know more as she works through this. I offered her answers to any questions that I could answer.
Now she knows and has a lot of info from me. Her and I both agreed to contact each other if either of us find out any more additional info.
Talking to her brought up a lot of emotion in me and a lot of anger. Its almost as if I was reliving D-day all over again.
However I do feel a tremendous relief that his ass has been exposed.
Thank you all for your support.
ShutterHappy ( member #64318) posted at 10:11 PM on Monday, November 22nd, 2021
Thank you for doing this!
If she starts digging, she might find information you didn’t know. If she asks for a timeline, she can share it with you.
One day at a time
I plan on living forever. So far so good
Sharkman ( member #56818) posted at 10:27 PM on Monday, November 22nd, 2021
What an amazing event and a huge gift that you gave to her. Now she has agency over her own life. I also love your plan on not letting your wife know that you've done this. There is not a better tool to be had to determine if they're still in contact and also her feelings for him.
WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 10:31 PM on Monday, November 22nd, 2021
I love this update. Good Show!
M1965 ( member #57009) posted at 10:36 PM on Monday, November 22nd, 2021
Good for you, UseTaCould. You have done the OBS a huge favor by enabling her to make informed choices in her life. From what you say, it sounds like your WW and her AP co-ordinated their stories.
As you say, it will be interesting to see if your wife brings this up.
UseTaCould (original poster new member #78773) posted at 11:56 PM on Monday, November 22nd, 2021
Thank you, this was a huge win for me as I had almost given up on trying to contact her. Its a very sad win however, I feel such sadness for her and her family. I cannot help but feel very bad tonight but I realize NONE of this is my fault and that I never asked for any of this BS!
So thank you all again
thatbpguy ( member #58540) posted at 2:40 AM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021
Now would be the time to really double down with your wife to sense her feelings for a few weeks. Any small sign would probably mean they are in contact. The hope is that they aren't. I really hope the best for you.
ME: BH Her: WW DDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I left; Divorced Remarried to a wonderful woman
"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis
As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...