Newest Member: loyaltylost

Just Found Out :
My Wife had emotional affair with old flame

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asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 3:47 PM on Friday, May 21st, 2021

She also told me more than once that its over and she wants me vs him or anyone else.

Words only mean something when they come from people we trust. After betrayal words are useless. Only actions matter. What is she doing ?

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 391   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8661542
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 3:12 AM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

How's it going? Any update?

posts: 398   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
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 UseTaCould (original poster new member #78773) posted at 8:43 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

Sorry its been awhile, been working on reconciliation. I really appreciate the recommendation of the book "not just friends" its a great book and my W read it with me. I started reading it first because I wanted to know what it was all about, then about the first few chapters in, I told her I wanted her to read it. She did and it has helped us both.

I thought I had gotten the whole story but as others have experienced, more came out later. Most recently I learned that there was a lot more to the sexting. Actually a lot more to the affair. It had turned into a BDSM master slave relationship. He would "command" her to send pictures of different body parts or a vid of her masturbating. There were several Video chat sessions between the two of them masturbating with one another. They had even consummated a "marriage" with one another. This is why he caller her his "wife". ( found in chats) She called him her "husdom" meaning the whole dominate submissive thing. The latest news on the BDSM think I think upsets me more than any other part of this affair. She still claims there was no physical meeting whatsoever ( he is several states away) and that this was still an emotional affair. i still keep thinking there may have been a time when it was physical. I feel like it was very serious and in light of the master slave thing, somewhat scary.

Most days are good and we have had some great times spending time with one another. Im still traumatized and know I will be for a long time. Lately I have struggled with the BDSM thing big time. This came to light not by her telling me about it but about me finding out. I found where in many pictures I have of her a necklace that she was wearing. It cropped up in pictures dating back to when the affair began and dissapeared in pictures after DDay.

It was a necklace that had what appeared to be a wedding ring on it but it was more of a choker. Come to find out it was not a wedding ring, it was a collar ( the bondage type) or at least a symbol of a bondage collar. It was made to be discreet. She wore that collar necklace ALL of the time even with jewellery that I gave her!

This is what I am struggling with as of late. I have read a few more books and Im in therapy. I just found out this whole BDSM BS two weeks ago. Thank you all for checking up on me. At this point im still working towards reconciliation but often wonder many things. I cannot imagine my life without her and I hope that she is as committed to fixing our M as she says she is. How do you know anything they tell you is really really true? You dont and that is what makes it so hard. She is a risk now and will be for as long as we are together, that is just the hard fact of the deal.

[This message edited by UseTaCould at 2:46 PM, July 6th (Tuesday)]

posts: 23   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2021   ·   location: Colorado
id 8672870
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BlueRaspberry ( member #76065) posted at 9:00 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

UseTaCould,

You state

How do you know anything they tell you is really really true? You dont and that is what makes it so hard. She is a risk now and will be for as long as we are together, that is just the hard fact of the deal.

Have you had her write out a timeline of the affair? If so, you could schedule a polygraph to confirm you know what she wrote was complete and/or true. That would be a good first step.

Did you ever contact the OBS? I believe you were convinced your earlier message was intercepted by the OM. This could help maintain NC boundaries you establish.

Are you and your wife in IC? She needs to be seeing an IC specializing in infidelity and you need an IC to help deal with the trauma. This will give your wife the best chance to understand why she broke so many marital boundaries and provide her with tools to avoid similar actions in the future.

[This message edited by BlueRaspberry at 3:02 PM, July 6th (Tuesday)]

posts: 234   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8672880
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asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 9:01 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

How do you know anything they tell you is really really true?

Timeline verified with a polygraph. Timeline is to include any inappropriate behavior since you’ve been a couple. Tell her you’re done making horrible discoveries, big and small, about your own goddamn marriage. Time to put it all on the table.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 391   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8672881
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 UseTaCould (original poster new member #78773) posted at 9:31 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

My rhetorical question about how do you know anything they say is true was meant for after the fact, moving forward. I wasnt referring to the affair timeline.

posts: 23   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2021   ·   location: Colorado
id 8672890
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asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 9:56 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

My rhetorical question about how do you know anything they say is true was meant for after the fact, moving forward.

That’s going to take years of her words matching her actions. If she says something she backs it up. If she does something her description is totally accurate. She has no problem telling you where she is, who she’s with and proving it. She avoids putting herself in compromising positions irl and online.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 391   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8672898
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CuriousObserver ( member #78743) posted at 10:00 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

UTC,

If you are trying to reconcile, just what is it you are reconciling with? Do you know? Are you prepared to keep getting trickle truthed (TT) for the rest of your life with her? Every time you learn something else it is like starting all over again. You have to recalibrate what you believed about your past and fit the new information into the timeline of where you were and what you were doing and what she was thinking while you were doing it... and on and on, ad nausium, ad infinitum. You relive the trauma over and over anew. Do you really want that? This is why you are being advised about a thorough timeline with verification with a polygraph, to root out all of the ugly details. There are folks on here that are 15-20 years later still discovering or worse yet being haunted by what they don't know.

Go back to the beginning of this thread and read again the very first response to you by Bigger. It is still good advice. It is the path out of infidelity that leads to a fork in the road where you either R or D. Your spouse has the option to stay here in infidelity or follow you out of it, but to walk with you MUST be done on your terms. Read the Healing Library in the yellow box at the top of this page. Start with the articles. Use those to establish iron clad boundaries for what that looks like and take back control of your life.

All the best.

Listen to their words but believe their actions.
The power of a lie is that it is believed to be truth.

posts: 130   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8672902
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 11:33 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

You must talk to the OBS to make sure that her POS husband is on her leash. Also, because your WW was connected to the AP in a ritualistic marriage, don't think for a second that she is being totally straight with you. She may be waiting once the coast is clear to reconnect with the POS. Your WW needs intensive therapy with someone versed in infidelity, cultism, and deviant sexual behavior.

There should be no doubt in your mind that she fully intended on meeting up with the AP and having sex that night before you busted her. Has she finally admitted that she intended to make it completely physical with him? If not, she is still lying to you. Good luck to you. Better think long and hard before you decide to stay with your WW.

BTW, I would put a torch to all the crap she used to carry out her affair.

If you rug sweep this mess she will bite you in the ass again somewhere down the line. Maybe not tomorrow, but someday. To enter into this crazy ritualistic marriage with this fool speaks volumes. Something is wrong with her.

[This message edited by src9043 at 5:46 PM, July 6th (Tuesday)]

posts: 458   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8672920
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SnowToArmPits ( member #50943) posted at 12:15 AM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

Hey OP. Your wife needs some serious counselling to get to the bottom of why she would do this to her husband of 12 years.

Cruel? Sneaky? Selfish? Jesus, what a thing to do while married. I think as much as anything she's a Coward for carrying on like this while married.

You want to live a sick, twisted life, OK it's your life. Just not as my wife, lady.

You reconcile with her, make her promise she'll divorce you before getting nasty like this again. I don't see how she gets another dive into cheating, next time you catch her - goodbye.

posts: 386   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8672930
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Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 11:15 AM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

You can’t trust yet but you can verify everything she says.

Regardless what she says, she needs to get a STD and STI check as well as yourself Trust but verify.

Go all PI to contact the OBS.

But I feel they did consummate their marriage.

One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1207   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8673041
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 11:31 AM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

If you want to do this right this situation requires that you each do individual counseling. You need a therapist who is an emotional trauma specialist and she needs one that is an infidelity specialist.

Down the road in a year or so then a marriage counselor can be of help.

The fact that she hid the BDSM details is very troubling and shows she’s not all in with you. She is probably still harboring feelings for him. And if that is the case she won’t be a good candidate for reconciliation until she sees him as the piece of shit who helped her destroy her marriage and emotionallly damage the man she vowed to love and protect.

Keep posting. We can help you.

What does she say about her feelings for him. What does she say about the pain she caused you?

[This message edited by Stevesn at 8:40 AM, July 7th (Wednesday)]

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3227   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8673043
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babbu ( member #48847) posted at 12:04 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

This woman has no business in the BDSM scene, neither does her fake Dom Daddy. She needs to stay FAR from the scene. Consent all around is the key in the BDSM community and this is shameful.

posts: 267   ·   registered: Aug. 6th, 2015
id 8673048
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Tigersrule77 ( member #47339) posted at 1:59 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

The fact that she hid the BDSM details is very troubling and shows she’s not all in with you.

Absolutely! Your WW needs to think about how much she set back any work on R by continuing to lie. Her hiding information about the A is unacceptable and very damaging. She is continuing to lie and hide details. She is covering her ass. This needs to change quickly.

posts: 1558   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8673070
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 4:42 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

She still claims there was no physical meeting whatsoever ( he is several states away) and that this was still an emotional affair. i still keep thinking there may have been a time when it was physical. I feel like it was very serious and in light of the master slave thing, somewhat scary.

Surely by now you must be absorbing this is a lie. Your wife gave herself body and soul to another man. She donned a submission collar for him. There’s really no way this was not physical. There’s another betrayed husband here just like you who also just found out his wife donned a submission bondage collar for another man (many women are apparently caught up in pornographic 50 Shades of Grey fantasies).

I don’t want to be a pessimist but the shock hasn’t worn off yet and your primary moral emotions (you might read a bit about what moral emotions are) of anger and disgust haven’t fully asserted themselves. Once they do, it will be impossible to stuff them away. You will never be able to look at your wife without thinking about that submission collar.

Look there are some very self aware and very repentant former wayward spouses here on SI. They want to help heal their betrayed spouses. They are doing the right things.

Your wife is a far cry from these people.

In your case, by signing up for reconciliation with this particular woman, you are shackling yourself to the source of indescribable pain and trauma. A person who literally sold her soul to another man. In a sense you signing up for a form of bondage yourself.

[This message edited by Thumos at 10:46 AM, July 7th (Wednesday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4390   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8673116
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Michigan ( member #58005) posted at 6:46 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

He would "command" her to send pictures of different body parts or a vid of her masturbating. There were several Video chat sessions between the two of them masturbating with one another.

She still claims there was no physical meeting whatsoever ( he is several states away) and that this was still an emotional affair.

UseTaCould

Even if they never met this is the most physical “emotional affair” I could ever imagine. The only thing I can think of adding is smell to their routine. They could have shared a “scratch and sniff” item.

They had even consummated a "marriage" with one another. This is why he caller her his "wife". ( found in chats) She called him her "husdom" meaning the whole dominate submissive thing.

It was a necklace that had what appeared to be a wedding ring on it but it was more of a choker.

Come to find out it was not a wedding ring, it was a collar ( the bondage type) or at least a symbol of a bondage collar. It was made to be discreet.

She wore that collar necklace ALL of the time even with jewellery that I gave her!

UseTaCould

In my opinion it would be better for your wife to pledge her undying love for the OM than this. She wore a symbol that she belonged to her OM in front of you and the kids. I’m sure the OM got off on her doing that to you.

They were going to physically meet up but I caught it before it happened.

UseTaCould

There is no doubt that they would have sex if they were anywhere near each other.

He would "command" her to send pictures of different body parts or a vid of her masturbating

UseTaCould

So he can “command” her to do the above but not “command” her to have sex with him during their lunch date?

She still claims there was no physical meeting whatsoever ( he is several states away)

UseTaCould

My point is to not waste your time wondering if they ever met up or not. It’s a distinction without difference.

[This message edited by Michigan at 12:55 PM, July 7th (Wednesday)]

posts: 580   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2017   ·   location: Michigan
id 8673156
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 UseTaCould (original poster new member #78773) posted at 9:01 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

My point is to not waste your time wondering if they ever met up or not. It’s a distinction without difference.

Good point and thank you. You are right it really doesnt matter at this point.

In my opinion it would be better for your wife to pledge her undying love for the OM than this. She wore a symbol that she belonged to her OM in front of you and the kids. I’m sure the OM got off on her doing that to you.

Again very good point. I think I have been minimizing the weight of this issue, your comments are spot on. I know nothing about the BDSM Scene I guess im a bit naive.

Surely by now you must be absorbing this is a lie. Your wife gave herself body and soul to another man. She donned a submission collar for him. There’s really no way this was not physical. There’s another betrayed husband here just like you who also just found out his wife donned a submission bondage collar for another man (many women are apparently caught up in pornographic 50 Shades of Grey fantasies).

Yes from the beginning I have had a gut feeling that this went physical at some point in the almost two years that it went on. BTW who is the other BH you mention? I would like to read his posts. Thanks!

posts: 23   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2021   ·   location: Colorado
id 8673210
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TMack ( new member #78963) posted at 9:54 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

Dear UsedToCould,

I've been thinking about the question of whether this affair was ever physical. I think it had to be at least once.

They got married as a part of this affair. A marriage has to be consummated.

Please ask her who attended the wedding service, what did they do for their honeymoon and then ask the question of whether their marriage was consummated. I think, with all of the detail and ritual they went to, it had to be.

Oh and did he send her the choker? Where is it now and what else did he send to her?

posts: 6   ·   registered: Jun. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Massachuestts
id 8673232
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 UseTaCould (original poster new member #78773) posted at 10:06 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

've been thinking about the question of whether this affair was ever physical. I think it had to be at least once.

They got married as a part of this affair. A marriage has to be consummated.

Please ask her who attended the wedding service, what did they do for their honeymoon and then ask the question of whether their marriage was consummated. I think, with all of the detail and ritual they went to, it had to be.

Oh and did he send her the choker? Where is it now and what else did he send to her?

These are indeed good questions to ask her. Thank you! She claims she purchased the choker on Etsy but from everything ive been reading, this sort of thing is given to the submissive by the Dominant. So possibly another lie.

posts: 23   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2021   ·   location: Colorado
id 8673237
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scaredwoman ( member #78680) posted at 10:20 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

Trickle truth is so painful and yet a big party of infidelity. Unfortunately I'm guessing there is more still that you will discover.

posts: 197   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2021
id 8673247
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