Newest Member: loyaltylost

Just Found Out :
My Wife had emotional affair with old flame

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straightup ( new member #78778) posted at 5:49 AM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021

The AP is bound to contact her, or try to. Isn’t the real test whether she shuts him down and is transparent? That is, not advocating for AP and not having off line strategy sessions or pity parties

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
Mother Teresa

posts: 29   ·   registered: May. 11th, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8699743
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 11:33 AM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021

One very important issue that IMHO needs to be addressed and I would do this totally irrespective of if you divorce or reconcile.

The OM is in possession of loads of sexual imagery of your wife. Pics, video’s…
There is no sense or no reason to think he will keep this to himself. There is no sense or reason to think that even if he does it can’t be stolen or hacked. I would put it at over 99% odds that he has all this material stored, and at most will hide it on a cd or flash-drive if his wife demands he removes all his sexual content. Heck… there is even the risk that OMW might distribute it simply as payback.

Heck… I’m not even thinking of your wife, but you state you two have kids from earlier marriages. Just think what happens when Brad the school bully tells one of them that he’s seen videos of his mom…

I think you need to make this clear to your wife, because it needs to be HER initiative to take the next steps:
Contact an attorney that has experience in digital revenge porn. Have him prepare and send a letter to OM where it is made clear that the intent of the recordings was for personal use between the two of them (OM and WW) and no one else. That any infringement on that, any distribution or whatever (the attorney will word this correctly) will unequivocally lead to criminal charges and financial compensation totally irrespective of how or who the files are distributed. The letter could/should include the demand that all these files are deleted. Then have the attorney send the letter.

This letter has three purposes:
The first one is the clear and obvious one to make OM aware he will be held accountable IF the content is leaked.
The second one is that IF the content is later found on a porn-site the admins there will pull the content off once they know there are possible legal repercussions.
The third… It makes it even clearer to your wife what she was dealing with and the long-term consequences.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10017   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8699762
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Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 12:01 PM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021

Great points Bigger.

posts: 405   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8699767
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 UseTaCould (original poster new member #78773) posted at 1:27 PM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021

All good piont bigger however a big part of me says this is on her. She needs to the work here that you suggest not me. She has to bear the shame of her actions. Why should I be the one who protects her from this? It's her Scarlett letter to wear. I know that sounds harsh but that is how I feel right now. Talking with the OBS yesterday has brought up a lot of anger. As for my kids they are all old enough to handle it imo. (We don't have any kids together) Your advice Is sound and I appreciate it. Thank you !

posts: 23   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2021   ·   location: Colorado
id 8699771
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EyesOpened50 ( member #54610) posted at 1:45 PM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021

Having read your thread, sorry your here - nobody wants to be in this 'club'!!

Really pleased you contacted OBS, it's a bit like another D Day as you recount the full story and your emotions go wild! It will settle: be kind to yourself, eat and drink well and plenty of vigorous exercise helps to settle the mind but it takes time!!

Have you had a look in the 'healing lounge', there are lots of articles to read - look through them all and decide which ones work for your situation. You could even print the relevant ones out for your wife to read too!! Always remember 'take what you need and leave the rest' - everyone's experiences are different but most have very similar veins! People are here to help but remember, nobody comes here unless they have some sort of experience with infidelity and lets be honest, it's generally not a good one!!

Keep posting, for as long as it helps you move forward - that's the only direction to go!! If you're wife comes with you great, the work needs to be done and isn't easy for anyone, keep ahold!!

posts: 69   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2016   ·   location: UK
id 8699773
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 1:50 PM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021

One great suggestion is to READ the advice offered:

The reason you do this:

I’m not even thinking of your wife, but you state you two have kids from earlier marriages. Just think what happens when Brad the school bully tells one of them that he’s seen videos of his mom…

You don’t do this for yourself (although I think you would be emotionally in a bad space if golf-buddies or coworkers have all sneaked a peek at Mrs. UTC on hotamateurmilfsdoingbdsm dot com). You do this for the kids.

Although you might point this out to your wife that she should do this then I also stated:

I think you need to make this clear to your wife, because it needs to be HER initiative to take the next steps


And the benefits of doing this are listed at the end of my post. Two of them are clearly her benefits, but the last one is clearly one that can help you.


If she takes your advice and does nothing with it… well… that is a message.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10017   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8699774
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