Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
My Wife is Cheating and I'm Glad

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 TheWrongOne (original poster Member #78753) posted at 10:51 PM on Thursday, May 27th, 2021

Bigger

Once again; cut the drama. I’m not saying you cause it, but when thrown in your face ignore it like the plague!

Yeah I know. 180.

If she starts talking divorce your standard reply should be along the lines of: I am too emotionally attached to this marriage to personally handle the details of divorce. This is why I have an attorney who will ensure the process is within the laws of our state and ensures it’s fair. Please direct this comment to him.

I wish I could keep my emotions out of it, but her stupidity sends me through the ceiling.

And then go make a sandwich or watch a rerun of Friends.

Better yet I'm leaving tomorrow after work to go fishing for a week. I texted her this afternoon and told her she could come home and I would be gone a week. I'm going off grid. I have all my projects caught up and no important meetings next week so now is the time. I called my lawyer and he said that would be a good idea. He also dressed me down and told me to stop losing my temper and to not talk to her directly, and that every smartass thing I say to her gives her more ammo and makes his job harder.

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8663182
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 11:05 PM on Thursday, May 27th, 2021

Better yet I'm leaving tomorrow after work to go fishing for a week.

Perfect.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8663189
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fareast ( Member #61555) posted at 1:23 AM on Friday, May 28th, 2021

Great that you are getting away. Gives you a chance to regroup. Just a suggestion, and I know it is not easy, but when confronted by stupid stuff, learn to just smile, or better, just to shake your head and laugh a little at the incredible crap she says, or her parents or anyone else, and walk away. Believe me, it does a great job of getting the message across without getting you in trouble. Good luck and good fishing.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2795   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8663237
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HouseOfPlane ( Member #45739) posted at 1:51 AM on Friday, May 28th, 2021

Careful...fishing can be dangerous

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2718   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8663240
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 2:09 AM on Friday, May 28th, 2021

A week away is great.

Sounds like you can’t stop talking when she calls. So don’t answer. Where is it written you have to? Nowhere.

I’d communicated by text or email only and limit that yes, no, maybe. Right now you are keeping yourself in this.

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8663246
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smolderingdark ( Member #64064) posted at 2:11 AM on Friday, May 28th, 2021

told me to stop losing my temper and to not talk to her directly, and that every smartass thing I say to her gives her more ammo and makes his job harder.

Narcissists thrive on conflict as much as they do on affection and adoration.

Indifference is your weapon. Let your lawyer do the talking that's what you pay him for.

If you must communicate with her only by txt or email if it concerns the divorce. All other topics go without answer. All of your answers should be brief and to the point. One word answers are the best. Voice calls from her go to VM.

It would have been best for you not to have informed her you were going to be away. Try to enjoy your time off.

posts: 130   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2018
id 8663247
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 2:34 AM on Friday, May 28th, 2021

Don’t be surprised that she’s recording everything you say.

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8663253
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rambler ( Member #43747) posted at 4:37 AM on Friday, May 28th, 2021

Keep your cool to avoids issues hopefully get a good settlement. Listen to your attorney.

making it through

posts: 1255   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2014   ·   location: Chicago
id 8663278
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Butforthegrace ( Member #63264) posted at 11:57 AM on Friday, May 28th, 2021

I texted her this afternoon and told her she could come home and I would be gone a week.

This was a tactical error. It's one you have made repeatedly: engaging your WW, for any reason. You should have told her nothing. "Gray rock" is your ally at this stage. Learn it. use it.

Also, remember this: texting is a weak, passive form of communication. Furthermore, anything you say to her in text, email, or other written form is likely to end up being read by a judge. Your lawyer's advice is to STFU. That's good advice.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3771   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8663343
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 12:35 PM on Friday, May 28th, 2021

Normal logistics-conversations are fine.

In fact – disappearing for a week might be considered feeding the drama. It’s like the pouty “we are not talking and I’m huffing and puffing” mode.

However it’s not as if you have to ask her if it’s OK you go fishing, tell her where you are going, whom with or what time of day next Friday you will be back. “I am leaving the house for a week and won’t be here” is enough.

I have been harsh on those that I consider feeding drama or engaging in revenge. I truly believe that your WAY-BEST path out of infidelity is to leave it behind you and disengage. That’s one reason I would probably seek a one-off payment rather than possibly seek enjoyment in having her pay monthly. If you are expecting a check by the fifth of every month SHE can get some revenge by posting it the sixth, or delaying payment, or partial payment, or declaring bankruptcy, or filing a motion to change and dragging you back to court every other year.

It’s also the reason I’m encouraging resolution on the house. Once it’s ownership is out of the picture you no longer live where she or her parents are free to enter as they will.

Best revenge? Disengaging. Removing any ability she has to impact your daily life. Not allowing her actions to get the reaction she wants or expects.

Tight lines. What sort of fishing?

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8663347
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Tigersrule77 ( Member #47339) posted at 12:51 PM on Friday, May 28th, 2021

TWO, I think your doing pretty well over all. Keep the focus on yourself. Your trip is a great idea. Glad you made that happen for yourself.

I can relate to becoming emotional on the phone. It makes it too easy to respond in anger. To help protect yourself, communicate only by text or email. For me, email is better because typically, if I'm emotional, by the time I finish the message and before I hit send, I'll have time to reflect if I'm making the right decision, and often walk away and calm down before actually responding. Something like this may help you also.

Your WW's position on alimony is quite interesting. I'm sure she would have told you that she was equal to any man in her industry and could do her job just as well or better than a man could. Equality and all that. Now the shoe is on the other foot, and she is just a weak woman and shouldn't be taken advantage of. Tough shit lady.

posts: 1512   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8663349
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KingofNothing ( Member #71775) posted at 4:36 PM on Friday, May 28th, 2021

Forest for the trees moment: If you are both grousing about alimony payments, that means something obvious: she's already accepted that a divorce is going to happen and is pushing back on a tactical, not strategic, level. It's early days yet but that is what I would call a minor victory. Well done-- you didn't waver an inch.

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
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“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 769   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8663484
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 4:54 PM on Friday, May 28th, 2021

Also the fact that one of her first reactions to you after having D papers served was to complain about alimony shows you exactly what kind of person you're dealing with here -- and that should only motivate you to move ahead with even more resolve.

It's all about her.

A truly remorseful wayward spouse would never grouse about alimony. Real remorse would offer alimony and a clean and amicable divorce if that's what you wanted.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8663490
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 TheWrongOne (original poster Member #78753) posted at 6:30 PM on Friday, May 28th, 2021

Tight lines. What sort of fishing?

I fly-fish. Got my VRBO cabin set up and leaving tonight.

Everyone have a safe and happy holiday weekend.

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8663514
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Jameson1977 ( Member #54177) posted at 9:53 PM on Friday, May 28th, 2021

Keep the C in that rod! Have a great time, try to detach from all this crap and enjoy yourself, you certainly have earned it!

posts: 719   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2016
id 8663602
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elKAPPYtan ( Member #72085) posted at 9:55 PM on Friday, May 28th, 2021

Enjoy your fishing get a way!

Me: 36WW: 36DDay: Oct 3rd 2019

"You keep it in between the pages of the books you burn so no one gets to read" -Corey MF Taylor

posts: 153   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2019   ·   location: MI
id 8663603
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Buster123 ( Member #65551) posted at 12:01 AM on Saturday, May 29th, 2021

This was a tactical error. It's one you have made repeatedly: engaging your WW, for any reason. You should have told her nothing. "Gray rock" is your ally at this stage. Learn it. use it.

I second this, stop telegraphing your moves, you don't need her permission or to keep her informed of your moves or your whereabouts, just be gone for a week, if she wants to go to the house to pick something up, well I presume she has her own keys, right?, and if when she gets there she sends you a text asking about your whereabouts, then that's probably the best time to tell her that you're gone for a few days, no need to be specific as to where or with whom, if she tries to engage or talk about anything irrelevant to the D simply ignore it and/or hang up.

posts: 2412   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8663625
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steadychevy ( Member #42608) posted at 12:46 AM on Saturday, May 29th, 2021

Happy fly fishing. I loved it in mostly small mountain streams or lakes. Can't say I'm good at it but it was relaxing and helped the soul. My daughters loved it. Relax. Enjoy the tranquility.

BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4660   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8663634
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redwing6 ( Member #72593) posted at 7:23 AM on Tuesday, June 1st, 2021

Fly fishing is something I've always wanted to learn...but it's just too expensive for me.

BH 58,
WW #2 D'd after 6month EA who scammed her out of our life savings
WW #1 51 since remaired twice continues to cheat even today
WW #2 Refuses to admit she wrecked our marriage
DD adult 32
DSD adult 33
DSS adult 30

posts: 248   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2020   ·   location: Savannah, GA
id 8664134
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 TheWrongOne (original poster Member #78753) posted at 2:30 PM on Friday, June 4th, 2021

Just checking back in. I had a great vacation fishing. I didn't talk to the STBX once. It was nice to shut off the phone and get away and just listen to the river and the wind in the trees.

Anyway, when I got back the STBXW called me and dressed me down for not keeping my phone on. I yawned and asked her what she wanted. She says she coming back to the house, that she retained a lawyer, and that she wants to talk to me. Well, that isn't going to happen. I do not plan on talking to her.

Anyways, I think I will start up a new post in the divorce group. Not much is happening here. The church and my in-laws have been strangely quiet. So, I think the pastor got to my FIL and had a talk with him to leave me alone and let me go. Stop stirring up the wind and the dust will settle. That's my guess.

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8664966
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