Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
My Wife is Cheating and I'm Glad

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KingofNothing ( Member #71775) posted at 2:49 PM on Friday, May 21st, 2021

Then he told me I should have been stronger and not folded like a cheap tent. He told me he was disappointed in me and that he has vowed he will never let anyone treat him like that. He was angry and crying harder and then he hung up on me.

He's mourning his childhood, which he feels was built on a lie. TO some extent, he's right to think so. However, your motivations were at least honest.. he would have had a very different life, possibly with fewer opportunities, if you had both divorced earlier. That should count for something. After all, it was primarily YOUR pain and YOUR sorrow that had to damped down so you could just "get over it" Christian style. Doesn't that count for anything with him?

I know, that's largely rhetorical, as you have explained. Give him some time to focus himself. I hardly think he regards you as the villain of this story.

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
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“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 769   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8661471
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RealityBlows ( Member #41108) posted at 3:26 PM on Friday, May 21st, 2021

My kids did the same thing. After they processed they came around. After they matured, they came around even more. After they began their first loving relationships they came around even more. When they have their first heart break, I imagine I'll be the first person they come running to.

Remember, the kids are watching so, be a model of how a mature, well adapted, fully actualized adult handles such a crisis with grace, decisiveness and dignity.

posts: 647   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8661514
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 TheWrongOne (original poster Member #78753) posted at 3:56 PM on Friday, May 21st, 2021

KingofNothing

Then he told me I should have been stronger and not folded like a cheap tent. He told me he was disappointed in me and that he has vowed he will never let anyone treat him like that. He was angry and crying harder and then he hung up on me.

He's mourning his childhood, which he feels was built on a lie. TO some extent, he's right to think so. However, your motivations were at least honest.. he would have had a very different life, possibly with fewer opportunities, if you had both divorced earlier. That should count for something. After all, it was primarily YOUR pain and YOUR sorrow that had to damped down so you could just "get over it" Christian style. Doesn't that count for anything with him?

I know, that's largely rhetorical, as you have explained. Give him some time to focus himself. I hardly think he regards you as the villain of this story.

I don't know if its counts for anything. I'm giving him space. I will reach out to him next week.

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8661555
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HouseOfPlane ( Member #45739) posted at 4:03 PM on Friday, May 21st, 2021

You didn't the important thing, you listened to him.

Sometimes people just need to be heard.

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2718   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8661562
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SadieMae ( Member #42986) posted at 5:00 PM on Friday, May 21st, 2021

TWO,

I'm also a betrayed child. My father left my mother when I was a senior in high school.

It's hard. It's hard to see your family implode and have no say, no control. I'm sure your son loves both his parents, which is also hard. He doesn't want to pick sides, and it's hard not to feel like you have to pick sides.

It took me a few years to work through my feelings with my family. Unfortunately, it wasn't until I became a BS that I was truly able to understand what my mom went through when our family imploded.

Be there for your son, be calm, show him how to move forward with strength and grace. It will mean a lot. He's got a lot to work through, but being there for him will make a difference.

Me: BW 40 on DDAY
Him: WH 40 on DDAY (FlawedBroken)
Together over half our lives.
D-day 3/9/2014
TT until 6/2016
TT again Fall 2020

posts: 1196   ·   registered: Apr. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: Sweet Tea in the Shade
id 8661606
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Pandora16 ( Member #56906) posted at 5:26 PM on Friday, May 21st, 2021

Yearsofpain25, thank you for your post. From what my son has said, I think what you wrote is very much like what my kid went through. It’s helpful for me to read your take on being a BC. My son has mentioned seeing looks of contempt by my cheating ex towards me behind my back, and being furious at his father but also feeling like he couldn’t say anything to me at the time. I can’t imagine living in a household with the kind of unfortunate dynamic between me and my husband, but your post helps me understand what my son experienced a bit better.

D-Day #1 12/8/16 (ILYBINILWY), D-Day #2 12/17/16 (admitted to affair)

Divorced: 10/24/17
Married 20 years, together 24, 1 young adult son

posts: 251   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8661616
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Justaguy61 ( New Member #75431) posted at 5:49 PM on Friday, May 21st, 2021

Here is a thought and I do not know if it has previously been suggested and maybe some of the veteran's here can help qualify its helpfulness or dangers.

Thought: Maybe have your son read this thread?

It would give him a depth of understanding into your psyche that would be difficult to recreate. Of course he would see your strengths and weaknesses but that may be what he needs. Also it could make him even more angry at his mom if that is possible.

posts: 50   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2020
id 8661624
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 5:57 PM on Friday, May 21st, 2021

This maybe a negative today but you can turn it into a positive by having him learn from your experience.

Teach him to go his own way and never let others railroad him into anything.

A great life lesson.

[This message edited by Marz at 11:58 AM, May 21st (Friday)]

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8661626
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 TheWrongOne (original poster Member #78753) posted at 6:06 PM on Friday, May 21st, 2021

Justaguy61

Here is a thought and I do not know if it has previously been suggested and maybe some of the veteran's here can help qualify its helpfulness or dangers.

Thought: Maybe have your son read this thread?

It would give him a depth of understanding into your psyche that would be difficult to recreate. Of course he would see your strengths and weaknesses but that may be what he needs. Also it could make him even more angry at his mom if that is possible.

Good idea but not now. I need this place as my own safe zone. I am not privy to the conversations my wife has been having with my son, but I don't want him inadvertently spilling the beans that I post on SI.

Marz

This maybe a negative today but you can turn it into a positive by having him learn from your experience.

Teach him to go his own way and never let others railroad him into anything.

Yes I will do that. I don't want him to believe that marriage is this sacrosanct thing, because it is not anymore. Not in this day and age.

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8661633
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 6:17 PM on Friday, May 21st, 2021

Yes I will do that. I don't want him to believe that marriage is this sacrosanct thing, because it is not anymore. Not in this day and age.

You seem like a traditional guy and so am I. We're both about the same age. I spent a lot of time being partially raised by my grandfather, so that's the template I had. I agree with you that in this day and age, marital sanctity is not honored. It is difficult to feel anachronistic. However in other ways it can feel countercultural and "punk" bucking the trend. I don't think I will be changing my views. That doesn't mean either one of us need to stay married to unfaithful wives, in any case.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8661637
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 TheWrongOne (original poster Member #78753) posted at 6:46 PM on Friday, May 21st, 2021

Thumos

You seem like a traditional guy and so am I. We're both about the same age. I spent a lot of time being partially raised by my grandfather, so that's the template I had. I agree with you that in this day and age, marital sanctity is not honored. It is difficult to feel anachronistic. However in other ways it can feel countercultural and "punk" bucking the trend. I don't think I will be changing my views. That doesn't mean either one of us need to stay married to unfaithful wives, in any case.

So-called Christian wives are the worst offenders. My situation is not unusual. I know several men in my denomination whose wives cheated on them, sometimes flagrantly, and they were told to suck it up, pray and just give it to God. The evengelical culture is one of hiding and abetting sin among wives. I'm done with it. I will never marry again, and that is not me being dramatic. I'm serious. I will not stick my neck out again for any woman.

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8661647
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gemini12 ( New Member #78670) posted at 6:56 PM on Friday, May 21st, 2021

TWO,

My thoughts on showing this thread to your son.

DON'T. Not now or ever.

I made the mistake of showing my adult son my posts on Reddit after the D was final. Big mistake. He told his mother and this created a nuclear explosion that lasted for months.

Speak to him man to man and answer any question he has honestly.

You are doing great so far. Better than I ever did.

posts: 46   ·   registered: Apr. 18th, 2021
id 8661651
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 7:18 PM on Friday, May 21st, 2021

So-called Christian wives are the worst offenders. My situation is not unusual. I know several men in my denomination whose wives cheated on them, sometimes flagrantly, and they were told to suck it up, pray and just give it to God. The evengelical culture is one of hiding and abetting sin among wives. I'm done with it. I will never marry again, and that is not me being dramatic. I'm serious. I will not stick my neck out again for any woman.

Couldn't agree more on the first part. There's so much hypocrisy in the church, although I don't know what else most would expect from a state of fallenness.

On the second part, jury's still out for me. I still haven't decided whether to R or D with my WW. It takes 2-5 years just to get your head on straight again. You're in a different position after a second betrayal.

Never say never on anything. Just allow a tremendous amount of grace right now. Just focus on rebuilding and healing yourself. Everything else will follow.

And if you don't ever want to marry again, who cares? You don't have to justify yourself to me or anyone else. Being a happy single man is a great option for you.

I think you can and will have a happy life if you just focus on healing yourself right now and being the best father you can be (one thing that might help, which is helping me, is looking at the litany to St. Joseph. you don't have to be Catholic for it to be meaningful).

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8661662
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 7:30 PM on Friday, May 21st, 2021

Pastors while there are some really great ones are among the biggest hypocrites you’ll see. I’ve been around this since I was a kid.

Pastors set the tone for the congregation. Most can’t go their own way and apply common sense. A great lesson you have learned. Pass it on.

Your FIL will be around I’m sure. With his high and mighty advice. Tell him to kiss your ass or just ignore him and his shitty advice or as with him commands.

[This message edited by Marz at 1:33 PM, May 21st (Friday)]

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8661666
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KingofNothing ( Member #71775) posted at 8:30 PM on Friday, May 21st, 2021

So-called Christian wives are the worst offenders. My situation is not unusual. I know several men in my denomination whose wives cheated on them, sometimes flagrantly, and they were told to suck it up, pray and just give it to God.

Preach it (I know that sounds ironic). My wife loudly left the Catholic faith when she didn't get the blame free landing zone she wanted and took up with what I called the Christ barn.. a big Christian Community church full of pious zealot charismatic Christians. Their services are big, over produced multimedia productions, they serve free Starbucks that you can take in to services with you(!!!) The congregation is rich, smiling and if you believe the rumors, full of pious adulterers. I loathe the place, although I went a couple of times for events that my children participated in. I sat well back on the balcony (without coffee) and smiled and nodded.

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
----------------------------------
“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 769   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8661685
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 8:49 PM on Friday, May 21st, 2021

a big Christian Community church full of pious zealot charismatic Christians. Their services are big, over produced multimedia productions, they serve free Starbucks that you can take in to services with you(!!!) The congregation is rich, smiling and if you believe the rumors, full of pious adulterers.

I believe it.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8661689
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SadieMae ( Member #42986) posted at 9:05 PM on Friday, May 21st, 2021

TWO,

I have to agree, I don't think it would ever be appropriate to share this thread with your son. I was 17 when my parents split. My mother was not capable of handling it, so I had to step up. I was involved in ways that a child should never be involved with finding out their father is cheating. It was very damaging to me and I was pretty mature for my age.

While I think being honest with your son is important, I believe there is information that should be kept between the married parties and that the children (at any age) have no use for. Losing your family is hard enough, getting the nitty gritty isn't necessary.

I do think encouraging him to find someone safe to talk with, be it a counselor or wise friend, is a good idea. But not here. Not the pain, anguish, rawness here (this site, not just your thread).

Me: BW 40 on DDAY
Him: WH 40 on DDAY (FlawedBroken)
Together over half our lives.
D-day 3/9/2014
TT until 6/2016
TT again Fall 2020

posts: 1196   ·   registered: Apr. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: Sweet Tea in the Shade
id 8661694
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leftbroken ( Member #53741) posted at 9:38 PM on Friday, May 21st, 2021

I will never marry again, and that is not me being dramatic. I'm serious. I will not stick my neck out again for any woman.

This is a growing sentiment among men today. The family courts lean very favorably to women in the matters of divorce. Once Upon a time in a different day and age this was appropriate as women made up a very small percentage of the work force and therefor relied heavily on men for financial support but those times are well behind us as women make up half of the work force and more than half of the population in higher education as they prepare for careers.

Men are choosing to never marry or in the cases of divorced men, never remarry. MGTOW is gaining momentum, Women are gaining more independence as they become more self sufficient and marriage rates are dropping very quickly as a result. Polls taken among young adults indicate that the desire to marry is now the lowest it has ever been. Women are choosing to focus on careers and doing their own thing while they are young, Men are seeing bitter old men that have been raped by the courts and deciding to never let that happen to them and the nuclear family quickly becomes an endangered species.

We will see the whole concept of family redefined in the next 30 years.

our lives are a novel and we its authors, if you don't like the plot only you can change it.

posts: 117   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2016   ·   location: Calgary, AB
id 8661702
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HouseOfPlane ( Member #45739) posted at 2:57 PM on Saturday, May 22nd, 2021

Not in this day and age.

Not in any day and age, if you read history. Both of my parents (married 63 years) came from families racked with divorce, infidelity, trauma. General Sickles of Civil War fame was also the first person to successfully use the temporary insanity defense when he killed the OM. Scarlet Letter, anyone?

It’s always been a part of the human condition, along with successful long term marriages. The crooked timber of humanity. Falling short often, but trying.

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2718   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8661821
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 8:26 PM on Saturday, May 22nd, 2021

It’s always been a part of the human condition, along with successful long term marriages. The crooked timber of humanity. Falling short often, but trying.

Of course, but not with nearly the level of societal approval it has now. It's whistling past the graveyard to pretend otherwise, in my view.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8661882
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