Thanks folks been a while and it's been a rollercoaster... here is the latest.
Tuesday, 05/04 I came back home from taking our son to school. WW and I started talking and she said she wanted to proceed with divorce and that we could do mediation. We had a call with a mediator later that day. He emailed some paperwork to fill out to proceed to me.
Wednesday 05/05, we had a good discussion before bed, where she told me about a lot of her issues - child hood trauma at school with friends/teachers, why she doesn't trust people, why she feel she has to work so hard/get straight A's/etc so that hopefully people like/love her, and we were intimate.
Thursday 05/06, she said she had to think about Wednesday night and needed a few days
Sunday 05/09, after a good mother's day, she asked me about the mediation again and acted like that was the way we were going despite her saying she needed to think more after Wednesday. I was angry and went to sleep in the guest room.
Monday 05/10 we didn't say much.. she went to her office, I went to my mom's...I texted her that I would fill out the mediation paperwork. However when I saw it wanted a credit card and wanted WW's to be the one on it. So at 5pm when we were both home, I grabbed my laptop and told her we needed to talk before I filled out the paperwork.
With laptop in hand, I told her she needed to know how much pain she has put me through and continues to put me through (when she sees and talks to the affair partner) and I asked her how if she loves me, how can she keep hurting me? She said she 'can't help herself'. She started crying and then started talking about her options (stay with me, divorce/go to him,etc). She asked me to sit on the bed with her and kept reaching out to hold my hands.
I said we should call the AP together and she can end it...but she told me to call the AP and tell him to stay away from her or we would get a restraining order (and I added we would contact his employres HR - he's an executive there). I did that night. Previously WW would talk me out of calling him. She told me she couldn't talk with him, because he always pulls her back in. We talked a while longer and I had her write down what she was saying -- if the AP was doing something that seemed obsessive i would ask "does that seem normal". Not trying to lead her or anything.
Since then she has wondered if me calling him threating restraining order was too harsh - I told her no, because he hasnt respected the boundaries before. When she told him to not contact her, he still would, and wouldn't stop until she started responding. When she went to her retreat in Arizona in March, she told him about it and said not to go out there because she needed to be alone - he sent her flowers and other things to her room, and flew to Tuscon anyway. WW said she did not see him out there though.
I've also learned that the affair restarted in Feb/March/April and she was seeing him and they were physically intimate
The week after was good though... we were loving and had good family time with our son.
Then Monday 05/17, she has a call with a Psychologist and she tells me that the psychologist told her "she was responding to me being angry and placating/deescalating when I " (when I had the laptop ready to fill out the mediation paperwork). She says now everything she said and wrote last week wasn't her authentic self and she needed to think.
I went out that night and didn't come home until she was asleep... the next two nights took my son to friends/family and came home later and let her put him to bed, avoided talking to her. Then Thurs-Sun I stayed at a friends house.
Sunday I told her I'm still figuring things out and haven't initiated any more discussion with her. I've been sleeping in the guest room at home and only interacting around child / house / finance stuff. She is getting more distant from me though too (referred to me as "your dad" instead of "daddy" to our son).
The affair was hurtful.... the rollercoaster she has put me through the last few months is maddening and learning she restarted the affair cuts even deeper.
I can barely eat or sleep and this is basically all I can think about.
At this point I think I need to proceed with D (mediation) and be done with it to save my sanity.
[This message edited by sleeplessinSTL at 4:53 PM, May 25th (Tuesday)]