I know it seems like your wife is behaving in weird contradictory ways, but I wanted to highlight the pattern that I observed in your post from May 25th, so that when she turns from cold to hot again, you will be prepared.
Tuesday, 05/04 I came back home from taking our son to school. WW and I started talking and she said she wanted to proceed with divorce and that we could do mediation. We had a call with a mediator later that day. He emailed some paperwork to fill out to proceed to me.
This was her attempt to get you to do the Pick Me Dance ... she wanted you to beg, plead, and bend over backwards to put a stop to the divorce.
Instead, you took her at her word and responded rationally, which is why the next day...
Wednesday 05/05, we had a good discussion before bed, where she told me about a lot of her issues - child hood trauma at school with friends/teachers, why she doesn't trust people, why she feel she has to work so hard/get straight A's/etc so that hopefully people like/love her, and we were intimate.
... she shifted the conversation from the pain and misery her actions and behavior have caused you to seeing her as the sad victim in need of your comfort and pity. Once she obtained this, she roped you into having sex with her, consequently reigniting your hopes and sense of shared intimacy. But she likely knew that after a night like this, you would want to know "Where do we go from here?"
So the next day, she...
Thursday 05/06, she said she had to think about Wednesday night and needed a few days
... made sure to put the future in doubt. This was to completely quell any discussion and queue you up for another rendition of the Pick Me Dance.
Sunday 05/09, after a good mother's day, she asked me about the mediation again and acted like that was the way we were going despite her saying she needed to think more after Wednesday. I was angry and went to sleep in the guest room.
She had promised you a few days to think it over so before you could prompt her for a definitive answer, she brought up mediation as if Wednesday didn't happen. Now you're totally confused and off balance again.
Monday 05/10 we didn't say much.. she went to her office, I went to my mom's...I texted her that I would fill out the mediation paperwork. However when I saw it wanted a credit card and wanted WW's to be the one on it. So at 5pm when we were both home, I grabbed my laptop and told her we needed to talk before I filled out the paperwork.
With laptop in hand, I told her she needed to know how much pain she has put me through and continues to put me through (when she sees and talks to the affair partner) and I asked her how if she loves me, how can she keep hurting me? She said she 'can't help herself'. She started crying and then started talking about her options (stay with me, divorce/go to him,etc). She asked me to sit on the bed with her and kept reaching out to hold my hands
Once again, she completely shifted your focus away from your heartache to her confusion and distress. She knows that, as a good husband, your first instinct is always to provide her with comfort and support, except...
I said we should call the AP together and she can end it...but she told me to call the AP and tell him to stay away from her or we would get a restraining order (and I added we would contact his employres HR - he's an executive there). I did that night. Previously WW would talk me out of calling him. She told me she couldn't talk with him, because he always pulls her back in. We talked a while longer and I had her write down what she was saying -- if the AP was doing something that seemed obsessive i would ask "does that seem normal". Not trying to lead her or anything.
... this time, you wanted her to take action. But she didn't want to take action. She doesn't want her affair to end. That's why she had you call and threaten the OM. It served 2 purposes: (1) she could tell OM that this was entirely your idea and she had nothing to do with it, and (2) it fits into her narrative (with both you and OM) that she is helpless damsel accountable for nothing.
Since then she has wondered if me calling him threating restraining order was too harsh - I told her no, because he hasnt respected the boundaries before. When she told him to not contact her, he still would, and wouldn't stop until she started responding.
She spoke with her AP and he was upset about your phone call and the prospect of getting hit with a restraining order. She needed you to walk back your demand so that she could reassure him that it was an empty threat. I doubt that she ever told him not to contact her, but if she did, she always recanted or blamed you for it. He kept coming back because that's what she wants.
When she went to her retreat in Arizona in March, she told him about it and said not to go out there because she needed to be alone - he sent her flowers and other things to her room, and flew to Tuscon anyway. WW said she did not see him out there though.
I've also learned that the affair restarted in Feb/March/April and she was seeing him and they were physically intimate
The affair never stopped.
The week after was good though... we were loving and had good family time with our son.
A week was just long enough to lull you into a false sense of comfort and positivity until...
Then Monday 05/17, she has a call with a Psychologist and she tells me that the psychologist told her "she was responding to me being angry and placating/deescalating when I " (when I had the laptop ready to fill out the mediation paperwork). She says now everything she said and wrote last week wasn't her authentic self and she needed to think.
...it was time to pull out the rug from underneath you again. She doesn't have the stamina to play the penitent wife charade for too long or follow through on any of her assurances. She had to go reneg on everything to which she agreed, but as always, she refuses to be held accountable for any of her choices. This time, she used her therapist as the scapegoat.
It was time for an encore of the Pick Me Dance, except...
I went out that night and didn't come home until she was asleep... the next two nights took my son to friends/family and came home later and let her put him to bed, avoided talking to her. Then Thurs-Sun I stayed at a friends house.
Sunday I told her I'm still figuring things out and haven't initiated any more discussion with her. I've been sleeping in the guest room at home and only interacting around child / house / finance stuff. She is getting more distant from me though too (referred to me as "your dad" instead of "daddy" to our son).
... you didn't dance the way you were supposed to. You did the 180 instead. Now she is punishing you with the cold shoulder, pretending that your refusal to engage with her further is what she wanted all along.
But with almost 90% certainty, the longer you keep your cool, the longer you go without reaching out to her, and the more comfortable you get at the thought of life without her, the more likely it is that she will switch channels and try to suck you back into repeating the cycle over and over again.
See this pattern for what is next time and protect yourself accordingly.
[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 12:04 PM, June 14th (Monday)]