Newest Member: Serenity7

Reconciliation :
Trying to move forward but WW is torn

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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 6:59 PM on Saturday, June 26th, 2021

What she said last night was "she never felt like we switched from being friends to being married so she didn't feel like she was breaking vows". Sounds like a rationalization to me....

You're exactly right. That's a huge rationalization and an obviously ridiculous one at that. Cheaters just like to believe their own bullshit so they don't have to think of themselves as bad people. Clearly though, your WW has no integrity when it comes to her word and no boundaries which might stop her from behaving selfishly. And because she has elected to flake out without remediating any of these defects, THAT's who she's going to continue to be, an immature, selfish woman without integrity or honor. If she ends up with her AP, that's who she's going to be in that relationship as well.

What I'm hoping that you'll begin to see is that when a cheater is unrepentant, you're NOT losing anything of value. You're GAINING a life without the torment of being treated like a satellite orbiting Planet Ego. Stop talking to her. Stop trying to reason with the irrational. It's not her who suffers after these interchanges, right? It's YOU who suffers because she always manages to get another dig in.

No new contact = No new hurts.

At this point, keep your communications in email where they create a paper trail and don't speak to her unless it's about childcare or finances. Keep it brief and to the point. Imagine whatever you say being read to the judge by her lawyer in court. Understand that the pain you're dealing with right now is TEMPORARY and FINITE. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but the day will come that you won't care about your WW anymore. You'll just be glad she's out of your life and someone else's problem.

You're going to be okay. Believe it.

posts: 4520   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8670220
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 8:47 PM on Saturday, June 26th, 2021

What she said last night was "she never felt like we switched from being friends to being married so she didn't feel like she was breaking vows". Sounds like a rationalization to me....

This is amazing. Really superb. One of the most gobsmacking bullshit rationalizations any cheater ever said. We need a thread called “cheaters say the darndest things” to keep track of these jewels (the less kind version would be “shit cheaters say”)

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4218   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8670231
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rambler ( Member #43747) posted at 6:00 PM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

I know it hurts but you can not make someone love you. The more you chase her, the more she will run.

He is much older and had no problem dumping his wife of 20 years and his family. She is getting a stand up guy.

There are reasons affair relationships only lead to marriage 20% of the time. There are reasons those who do marry have a divorce rate twice that of first time marriages.

making it through

posts: 1254   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2014   ·   location: Chicago
id 8670394
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 sleeplessinSTL (original poster New Member #78728) posted at 4:28 AM on Monday, June 28th, 2021

Thank you everyone, you're right I've been doing the pick me dance.

I think it is because of my son... I was holding out until the absolute last second to get things moving, in hopes that she would change her mind for our son. But that isn't happening. She'll just say 'well he has 3 sons..." and "he's a good guy". Even if he was a good dad to his own kids... he's in his 50s...

posts: 19   ·   registered: Apr. 28th, 2021
id 8670538
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HeartFullOfHoles ( Member #42874) posted at 4:47 AM on Monday, June 28th, 2021

It's completely understandable you want to do what is best for your son and the marriage. Been there tried to do that. The problem is a marriage requires two active participants and it seems like your wife is more interested in rewriting your marriage history and rejecting anything that would hold her accountable for her actions. With no contrition on her part I don't see how reconciliation is possible. Maybe the shock of seeing divorce papers will knock her back into reality, but don't count on it. A WS who needs to believe their lies will argue against hard verifiable facts to maintain their fantasy.

Good luck moving forward!

BH - Tried to R for too long, now happily divorced
D-Day 4/28-29/2012 (both 48 at the time)
Two adult daughters

posts: 674   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2014
id 8670542
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 sleeplessinSTL (original poster New Member #78728) posted at 4:56 AM on Monday, June 28th, 2021

I know... I've been pulling the load by myself since last August when I found out.

I think it's hard to let go because I feel like the fall and holidays were going well (she was affectionate, did little things for me, etc). It's when she talked to the AP again in January that things started going downhill.

I think at this point even if she did turn back to me... I would always wonder when she would stray again. Which is no way to live.

posts: 19   ·   registered: Apr. 28th, 2021
id 8670543
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 2:21 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

The OM is an adulterer and a poor role model for any young person. Perhaps he dumped his wife when his kids were grown.

However, that's not the case with your wife. She may be a great doctor, but she's a failure as a person.

Among other things, in the context of marriage, she not only is: selfish, entitled, deceitful, and lacking in empathy for you - but the sum total of her behavior is spousal abuse.

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8670877
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grubs ( Member #77165) posted at 10:53 AM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

I've been pulling the load by myself since last August when I found out

.
The biggest step I made out of infidelity was when I came to the realization that I couldn't fix it by myself. That since my exWW wasn't interested in working just as hard the M was doomed. Walk your path free of infidelity. You and your son deserve better.

posts: 736   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8671114
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Butforthegrace ( Member #63264) posted at 1:26 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

I've been pulling the load by myself since last August when I found out.

Even this thought is a bit of self-trickery. You've been telling yourself that you've been single-handedly keeping the marriage together, but there is no marriage. You've been marriage cop guarding the marriage, which you think is still in its cot locked in the cell you're guarding. In reality, your WW swapped it out for some pillows and pulled up the blankies. There's no marriage, just a decoy.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3771   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8671133
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 11:55 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

How's it going sleeplessinSTL?

We haven't heard from you for a long time. I hope everything is as good as possible.

posts: 477   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8674634
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 sleeplessinSTL (original poster New Member #78728) posted at 7:22 PM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

Thanks for checking in guvensiz.

It's been a rollercoaster... she officially served me 2 weeks ago so I'm trying to figure out what to do here... do mediation to be amicable or let the lawyers duke it out.

We still live in the same house, split time with our 6 year old... I sleep in the guest room her in the master. Things are cordial... we don't make small talk on anything and conversations are just about our son (pickup/dropoff, dinner, etc) and bills/house stuff.

I still really hate it - since I've not just lost a wife of 10 years, but a good friend of 20 years. So that makes me sad.

We still both work from home (and she goes and sees her AP)... so I try to get out and work on patios at restaurants or have lunch with friends/coworkers when they have time.

posts: 19   ·   registered: Apr. 28th, 2021
id 8675203
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survrus ( Member #67698) posted at 1:03 AM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

Sleepless,

You wrote, (and she goes and sees her AP)...

Wow sorry about that, it's really ugly knowing your wife or so is with their affair partner and your being alone. I recall feeling like I was writhing emotionally.

Did you expose the OM professionally and personally, I would put up posters on every street corner.

Particularly since he is a adulterer it might not look good for a gynecologist.

posts: 1038   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8675322
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OrdinaryDude ( Member #55676) posted at 1:16 AM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

You can still use a lawyer thru mediation so your rights are better protected, don’t let her roll you on support or property division, and certainly my don’t allow her to use your child as leverage to get what she wants.

Get as equitable a split as you can within the law, don’t be a nice guy.

Me - BH 50+
Her - WW 50+
Married 30+ years, 2 adult kids
(1989) PA Rug-Swept
(2002) EA Rug-Swept
(2016) EA *Getting Out Of Infidelity*

**Working at Reconciling**

posts: 3366   ·   registered: Oct. 19th, 2016   ·   location: The Big Easy
id 8675325
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Butforthegrace ( Member #63264) posted at 3:09 AM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

she officially served me 2 weeks ago so I'm trying to figure out what to do here... do mediation to be amicable or let the lawyers duke it out.

The juxtapostion between this statement and the title of this thread is bitterly ironic, no? As I've said many times, your WW is not "torn" in the least.

As to this statement,

I'm trying to figure out what to do here... do mediation to be amicable or let the lawyers duke it out.

consider it slightly re-worded: "A person whom I thought was my closest friend started punching me in the face repeatedly. She won't stop punching, even though I'm trying to show her that I would never hurt her. Should I defend myself from being punched?"

Get a friggin' lawyer. It's not an either/or proposition (mediation/lawyer). Any smart person engaged in mediation will have a lawyer to consult with. The lawyer provides context. "Here's what happens in a worst case scenario". Then, you'll know that this is the absolute bottom line, never go below, for mediation.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 5:55 AM, July 14th (Wednesday)]

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3771   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8675351
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 10:07 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

She has already served you, and you should talk to a lawyer about how the divorce will work out in your best interest.

It's good that you stay away from her socially and spend time outside the home. You should think about what you want to do in a life without her and start the trials of such a life.

This may include dating other women, you no longer have a loyalty obligation to her. Seeing that there are good and loyal women out there may help you get through these days more easily.

posts: 477   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8675584
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tushnurse ( Member #21101) posted at 10:57 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

I'm not sure what you are waiting for, but you need to get an attorney yesterday.

If you don't want her to walk away with your kid you need to put up some level of fight.

Yes you can mediate, but do it with someone protecting you and your rights. Don't just roll over and let her do what she wants, as you clearly have been. If my spouse cheated, they sure as hell would not get the Master suite. They'd be lucky to get a couch. Seriously.

Find your anger, and use it for good man.

You know you aren't R'ing, maybe it's time to talk with the friends here in the D forum.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 18932   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8675599
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This0is0Fine ( Member #72277) posted at 11:09 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

Talk to a lawyer. Your lawyer. Not her lawyer. Not a shared mediation lawyer. Your lawyer.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1329   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8675606
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 1:05 AM on Thursday, July 15th, 2021

If my spouse cheated, they sure as hell would not get the Master suite. They'd be lucky to get a couch. Seriously.

I thought a lot about saying this too, that's exactly how I would do it, but considering your passive attitude I didn't say it, because I thought you would be emotionally damaged from having such an argument. You should get rid of her asap.

posts: 477   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8675646
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 3:48 AM on Sunday, August 8th, 2021

she officially served me 2 weeks ago so I'm trying to figure out what to do here... do mediation to be amicable or let the lawyers duke it out.

Well that should get you out of the hopium phase.

Take action. Review and see a good divorce attorney.

Do not dawdle on this any longer.

No contact is your best friend. Don’t worry about hurting her feelings. She doesn’t give a shit about yours.

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8682174
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 3:55 AM on Sunday, August 8th, 2021

Please download and read "No More Mr Nice Guy" by glover it’s a free pdf and short.

Perfect for you. It seems like you’ve still got yourself stuck.

You are the only one that can keep yourself where you are. Fix that.

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8682175
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