Newest Member: Serenity7

Reconciliation :
Trying to move forward but WW is torn

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BluerThanBlue ( Member #74855) posted at 3:14 PM on Thursday, June 17th, 2021

BluerThanBlue - wow when you put it like that... it's pretty obvious isn't it?

I know this abusive cycle and pattern of behavior because it's almost identical to what I went through with my ex. He knew exactly what to do to get me react in certain ways that served his purposes; it took a long time for me to look up, notice the strings he was pulling, and then tear them out.

I'm starting to question if the WW ever really provided ME with the support/love/affection that I NEEDED.

This is the clarity that you get when you gain emotional distance and are able to see the complete picture. I recall being so hyper-focused on trying to make the marriage an appealing place for my husband to be that it wasn't until we seperated that I realized that none of my needs were met.

I should also forewarn you that (if it hasn't happened yet) the anger phase will hit you ("Why did I tolerate this shit for so long?!") followed by humiliation and shame ("What's wrong with me that she was able to play me like this? Why am I such an idiot?").

When that happens, please know this: You fulfilled your vows, you extended compassion, understanding, the opportunity to receive forgiveness, which is the very definition of love. Her unwillingness or inability to receive that love or return it does not diminish the value of your love or your attempts to save your marriage.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 474   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8667958
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 sleeplessinSTL (original poster New Member #78728) posted at 7:03 AM on Saturday, June 19th, 2021

BluerThanBlue - it's so hard to understand this behavior... the back and forth and then she files for divorce and says "the psychologist (that she started seeing two weeks ago) says that I need to move forward, this is how I do that". But I guess somebody said it earlier... I pulled back and stopped talking to her (stopped giving her ego Kibbles) and now she sees she can't maniuplate me anymore so I've served my purpose.

< RANT WARNING >

I think the inability for me to see logic in what she's done/doing is the toughest.

Although tonight, my sister noticed that on her Pinterest page, she started to pin wedding dresses 7 days ago and she has all these quotes pinned about "you have always been my soul mate". That really got me to the anger phase tonight.

I talked with her mom and she is disgusted with her daughter and can't believe what she's doing. It's clear she has no intention of keeping this 52 yo man that left his wife of 20 years and 3 kids for my 37 yo WW....away from our 6 year old son.

That along boggles my mind that she can't see that what she's done is going to impact him and she shouldn't be bringing the OM around our son... but again she's being very selfish and only out for what she wants.

I also can't see how she thinks that relationship is going to last - she says it was so easy just felt right and he really understands her and listens to her. If I could just have my son 100% of the time and she only gets visitation I would just tell her to leave, but unfortunately that won't happen.

[This message edited by sleeplessinSTL at 1:11 AM, June 19th (Saturday)]

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id 8668334
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 1:09 AM on Sunday, June 20th, 2021

Hi SleeplessinSTL,

I have read your story and I feel sad this is happening to you!
I have a few questions if you don't mind:
1. Does your WW still has contact with her AP?
2. Is she working hard on committing to R? I believe she changes her mind every now and then.
3. How are you coping from all of these? I can see in your other thread that you're thinking that D is inevitable.


Also, I agree on your point, how can you choose between a 52 year old man who abandoned his family with a 37 year old committed family man? Well, the answer is obvious if you're from the outside. But unfortunately, she's inside the affair fog right now. She might realize her mistakes soon but not right now. Also, that AP seems to know his ways around women. If you check his history he might have lots of infidelity issues in the past and I believe it's still ongoing right now. Your WW is only one of them.
Good luck!

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8668451
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 1:34 AM on Sunday, June 20th, 2021

It's clear she has no intention of keeping this 52 yo man that left his wife of 20 years and 3 kids for my 37 yo WW....away from our 6 year old son.

Your attorney can put together a "morality clause" which will slow her down for quite awhile. That will allow your child time to get used to the changes in your family dynamic. I'd say, make it as stringent as possible... no introductions to lovers during the divorce, no overnight lovers for the first year or forever if your asking on religious grounds.

posts: 4520   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8668455
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 sleeplessinSTL (original poster New Member #78728) posted at 2:30 AM on Sunday, June 20th, 2021

beb252 - thanks for the kind words. questions are more than welcome.

1. I'm sure she still has contact - probably sneaks to his apartment when I take my son places. She was doing that the last several months, so I'm sure she is since she filed for divorce on June 1.

2. Since late March/Early April she changed her mind in D or R daily/every few days/weekly and kept me in limbo. But since she filed for D...

3. Coping... well I've not been sleeping or eating (down 30 lbs.. and I'm usually only like 160lb). I've talked with my doctor and they gave me some stuff... I've been trying to spend as much time away from her as possible, with friends/family. But trying to balance that with still being around for my son. I sleep in the guest room. I read books like "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life", "Now What", "Post Infidelity Stress Disorder Recovery", "Rebuilding" and "Cheating in a Nutshell".

He is a doctor (an OBGYN) so yah probably knows how to talk to women. He's not a particularly good looking guy... just a big oaf looking guy. I've started calling him Shrek at times. And most people have told me I look like a celebrity that was voted sexiest man of the year a few years ago... and my WW is very image conscious so that also puzzles me. She shows up with OM somewhere and people are gonna wonder (we've been married for nearly 10 years)

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id 8668464
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 sleeplessinSTL (original poster New Member #78728) posted at 2:34 AM on Sunday, June 20th, 2021

THanks ChamomileTea. I'll have to ask about that... I do have SOME leverage (dirt) that the attorneys could use to apply pressure so will have to see.

I hope to have the attorney picked this week. Talked with 5. Narrowed it down to 3. One of the 3 said if I go with one of the others to go with a particular one because he used to work for her. That sounds like a ringing endorsement to me.

posts: 19   ·   registered: Apr. 28th, 2021
id 8668465
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 3:31 AM on Sunday, June 20th, 2021

Oh my God! Based on your description of AP, not sure why your wife was in love with him. Like I say, he has his way with women. I'm pretty sure the guy is a narc. Your STBXW will eventually realize it but it's too late. He will show his true colors once they get married. By then, it's too late for your STBXW.
You may contact AP's ex and check if he really is what I'm saying he is. But as far as I can see he has some mental issues.
Good luck!

[This message edited by beb252 at 3:34 AM, Sunday, June 20th]

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Sceadugenga ( Member #74429) posted at 4:11 AM on Sunday, June 20th, 2021

One of the 3 said if I go with one of the others to go with a particular one because he used to work for her. That sounds like a ringing endorsement to me.

It takes a good amount of human decency and fairness to recommend your competitor and your ex-boss - you might want to have a fair and decent person on your side for a change. It could reduce the risk of the divorce procedure becoming an acrimonious horror story. If I were you, I would seriously consider hiring this guy.

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id 8668478
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 2:41 AM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

I think the inability for me to see logic in what she's done/doing is the toughest.

You cannot rationalize the irrational.

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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 11:05 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

I should also forewarn you that (if it hasn't happened yet) the anger phase will hit you ("Why did I tolerate this shit for so long?!") followed by humiliation and shame ("What's wrong with me that she was able to play me like this? Why am I such an idiot?").

When that happens, please know this: You fulfilled your vows, you extended compassion, understanding, the opportunity to receive forgiveness, which is the very definition of love. Her unwillingness or inability to receive that love or return it does not diminish the value of your love or your attempts to save your marriage.

Thank you for this, because I've been going through this a bit lately. I've already been through the intense anger phase, so it's less that and more "why did I put up with this? What's wrong with me?" Etc.

Thanks for this perspective and I hope it is useful to the OP.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

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id 8669234
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 sleeplessinSTL (original poster New Member #78728) posted at 9:17 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

Thanks BlueThanBluer - those words mean a lot.

I keep needing reinforcement that I tried and she's the one giving up. I tried to make that known last night to her, that I was fully willing to do what it takes to work through this, but she's the one that keeps hurting me and I can't understand why. What she said last night was "she never felt like we switched from being friends to being married so she didn't feel like she was breaking vows". Sounds like a rationalization to me....at this point even if she flipped back to me, I don't know that I could take her back. I think i would need space from her and to know that she can admit why she really had the affair.

A good friend of mine told me he had an affair when he first got married (25 years ago, he's ~50 now). He thought his marriage was over, but his sister called him out and said no you fix this. He said he had to figure out what was wrong inside himself to allow him to fix the marriage. He has 6 kids and very happy now. I told my WW this but she didn't seem to want to admit that she did this because of ego/selfishness/etc.

This was after I caught her at the AP's apartment yesterday and her response was "whats it matter we're getting divorced". So I reminded her that I am STILL respecting our wedding vows, even though she isn't/hasn't.

r

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justastatistic ( Member #36314) posted at 9:46 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

What she said last night was "she never felt like we switched from being friends to being married so she didn't feel like she was breaking vows". Sounds like a rationalization to me....at this point even if she flipped back to me, I don't know that I could take her back. I think i would need space from her and to know that she can admit why she really had the affair.

This was after I caught her at the AP's apartment yesterday and her response was "whats it matter we're getting divorced".

With all due respect, you need therapy. That you would even think of trying again with someone who said these things to you is troubling. You deserve better, but you won't get it until you start believing it, and then demanding it, for yourself. And by "demanding it" I don't mean telling her or anyone else that you deserve better. I mean you should stop wasting time on people who don't treat you right, with dignity, kindness and compassion.

posts: 295   ·   registered: Jul. 31st, 2012
id 8670047
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Wanttobebetter ( Member #72484) posted at 11:13 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

With all due respect, you need therapy.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Agreed. You are still doing the pick me dance hoping she gets out of the fog and comes back to you. Put the hopium pipe down. She has shown you who she really is and you are not accepting that fact.

Good luck.

[This message edited by Wanttobebetter at 6:24 PM, June 25th (Friday)]

posts: 138   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2020
id 8670084
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 12:27 AM on Saturday, June 26th, 2021

she's the one that keeps hurting me and I can't understand why

Very simple; you allow it.

It really hurt me to read your last post. Why do you keep doing this? Don't you understand that you made the biggest mistake that could be made in this situation?

You can't convince her of anything by talking to her. Do you think you'll win her when you're right?

She doesn't care about you, worse, your presence bores her.

How much did you care about others when you were in love with her? Now, she is in love with that POS and you are the other.

How would you feel about someone who comes up to you and begin to talk while you are kissing your girlfriend? Yeah, now that boring person is you. Your appearance bothers her and she wants you to disappear as soon as possible.

Why do you put yourself in a weak, helpless, pathetic position?

Why do you put up with this disrespect and lovelessness?

Do you think you can force her to fall in love with you? Have you ever been to anyone, have you ever heard of one?

Have some respect for yourself.

There is someone doing you harm. She is not your wife anymore, nor is she your friend.

List the evils that have been done to you so far. Who is at the top? Hitler or your WW?

I would like to repeat the last sentence of my last post.

BS's emotions like pain, anger, sadness, these are not things that will affect the cheater. Indifference, sarcasm, starting a better life, these are the things that make the cheater regret.

STOP DOING PICK ME DANCE!

This is my first time writing in capital letters here. I really want to scream all these. Do you think it's fun to watch this from thousands of miles away without being able to do anything?

Forget about her existence, live your best life as if she doesn't exist. She doesn't even consider what you are saying now. Be sure, your absence, your indifference will be more effective than the current situation.

I'm not saying you'll get her back that way, but if you have the slightest chance of it, that's the only way. And if that happens, you'll already see that she wasn't worth it.

posts: 477   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8670104
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rambler ( Member #43747) posted at 4:14 AM on Saturday, June 26th, 2021

There is no reason for her not to because if it does not work out with him she can come back to you if she chooses to have you.

making it through

posts: 1254   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2014   ·   location: Chicago
id 8670142
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 5:48 AM on Saturday, June 26th, 2021

You can only be taken advance of if you allow it.

Talk is worthless. Your actions are all Thats going to help you now.

Hard no contact. Stop keep yourself in this. You can only control you.

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8670146
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redbaron007 ( Member #50144) posted at 8:33 AM on Saturday, June 26th, 2021

I keep needing reinforcement that I tried and she's the one giving up. I tried to make that known last night to her, that I was fully willing to do what it takes to work through this, but she's the one that keeps hurting me and I can't understand why

Considering you have a six year old, and the horrifying prospect of the POS OM being part of his life is now real, I do understand why you're still hoping your WW will change her tune.

Gently though, it is time for you to stop running behind her, and only interact about coparenting matters, that to, preferably via lawyers. Your energies are better spent in planning for your post D future sharing custody of your son.

Your healing will begin only when you are out of this toxic decaying corpse of a marriage.

Me: BS (44)
She: WS (41)
One son (6)
DDay: May 2015 (OBS told me)
Divorced, Zero regrets, sound sleep, son doing great!
A FOG is just a weather phenomenon. An Affair Fog is a clever excuse invented by WS's to explain their continued bad behavior.

posts: 220   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2015   ·   location: West Coast
id 8670151
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Jambomo ( Member #74853) posted at 9:15 AM on Saturday, June 26th, 2021

I keep needing reinforcement that I tried and she's the one giving up.

You have over two years worth of that reinforcement. You now have to draw the line and say ‘I tried and she gave up’ past tense, you can never have back what you once had because she wrecked it, recognise this and start to move on in your mind.

There is a very unpleasant point I found, where you know in your heart the relationship is destroyed and you can’t go back but you are in limbo because you find it hard to move forward. Forward is the only exit from this pain though, so start working towards it.

Have you thought about life as a single person? What are the things you have always wanted to do? Go do them, get them arranged. Go on holiday with your son or friends/family. Make it less scary by making it appealing.

[This message edited by Jambomo at 3:15 AM, June 26th (Saturday)]

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Freeme ( Member #31946) posted at 11:34 AM on Saturday, June 26th, 2021

I tried to make that known last night to her, that I was fully willing to do what it takes to work through this, but she's the one that keeps hurting me and I can't understand why.

Please start doing a hard 180 to detach. You should be talking kids and finance only at this point. She knows that you are willing to work on the marriage. She has flipped that switch back and forth, back and forth on you many, many times. Talking about the pain she is causing you isn't going to work either. She only sees this as you wanting her more than she wants you... it feeds her ego kibbles, it does not make her feel guilty.

You need to detach (180) to really see this woman for who she is. That more than anything will answer all of those "Why" questions for you.

She would need to be in this marriage 110% to fix what she's done. She not, she only drops a few crumbs every so often and you jump on them. Please detach hard 180.

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Freeme ( Member #31946) posted at 11:34 AM on Saturday, June 26th, 2021

double post

[This message edited by Freeme at 8:50 PM, June 26th (Saturday)]

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