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Open marriage? Sex on the side?

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Freeme posted 4/22/2021 11:29 AM

He calls this idea a means to an end.
This is about the only thing I agree with. Agreeing to this means that you are giving up on a traditional marriage forever. You can't try this out for a few years, months and then say ok, now it's considered cheating. Are you ok with giving up sex altogether? Are you going to risk having sex with him? We all know that Sex can lead to more, stronger feeling... how are you going to feel knowing that he could decide the next "hook-up" is the one? He can promise that it will never go that far but... I wouldn't trust him. You can't trust him.
So why stay married? You've said it's for the kids but... what are you teaching them? Are you really going to fake being a loving couple knowing he bought a bunch of sex toys to hook up with some escort?... I see this arrangement as putting more distance between you. More trust issues.

Your WH has cheated a number of time, betrayed you. Maybe those are the reasons you aren't as open to sex with him. We only have one life to live and maybe if you divorce you could find someone that you can trust and love and have a real marriage with. that would be far better for your kids then the marriage your WH is "excited" about.

dogcopter posted 4/22/2021 13:29 PM

honorable...uhoh ..excuse me .


OP, I'm sorry you are going through this. This guy's bad behavior is the reason your sexual life isn't compatible. It can't also be an excuse for continuing the bad behavior.

I get it, I do. It's hard. There is no way around how hard it is.

Step back and reassess your spiritual life and what values you hold about marriage. Make sure an open marriage is within your values.

This, by the way, is important in many other arenas. If a partner begins to abuse drugs on weekends, the spouse has the decision to follow along or make that a deal breaker. Following along with something that is not a part of your value scheme. I think a lot of spouses begin their own abuse in an effort to keep the marriage, even if they don't really want to do that.

Good Luck!

This0is0Fine posted 4/22/2021 14:26 PM

He is being almost as transparent as a cheater can be.

He is going to fuck other women. You can leave him, give him explicit permission, or give him a talking to when you happen to catch him. Your choice.

That's what he is offering.

I would choose leave.

MickeyBill2016 posted 4/22/2021 14:39 PM

It actually said: I’m at the Airbnb tomorrow also

I am no expert but is might be this is "sex worker" who rents out an Airbnb for a few days to entertain guys like your H.
He was already there once so she's looking for another $$$ payday.

rugswept posted 4/22/2021 15:23 PM

Much of the time "open marriage" leads to end of marriage.
The whole "open marriage" thing is often asymmetrical, one of the partners might in fact be the big proponent and player in the whole scheme.

It seems like your idea for your M doesn't include open M. Every M event that I've been to involves vows of exclusivity. It's a big rule to change after the game has started.

If you can't stand the idea of open marriage, end the M if it keeps coming up, because the end is where it's going anyway.

dogcopter posted 4/22/2021 15:33 PM

I am no expert but is might be this is "sex worker" who rents out an Airbnb for a few days to entertain guys like your H

Yes, this is what that sounds like...

EllieKMAS posted 4/22/2021 15:53 PM

True healthy open marriages are radically honest. They take deep open trust between all parties. And for people who really want open marriages and believe in that as a concept, that is something that is clearly and explicitly communicated with any potential romantic partner from day 1. Open marriages don't happen in a healthy authentic way after one party has unilaterally decided to engage in an affair.

Your wh is not honest. Not communicative. Not trustworthy. He is a cake-eater who wants his wife to give him permission to have sex with other people. My bet is that if YOU found a boyfriend and wanted to have the sexy-time, he wouldn't be so keen on the whole open marriage thing.

Mine did this too - after dday and finding his 18 yo schmoopsie, all of a sudden he was polyamorous and monogamy was unreasonable and unnatural and hellish for him. I was told that I needed to 'get on board' with him dating and screwing other women.

Took me 5 months to snap out of my own fog on that, during which time I actually considered the whole 'open marriage' thing. But here's the thing... I don't want that. I didn't marry that. I am not interested in that. And I don't have to be. Neither do you.

StuckinBetween posted 4/22/2021 17:16 PM

I sent him a message saying: I think I am only built for a relationship that is monogamous and that is built on loyalty and trust. His reply was, Tell me what to do. Do you want me to leave?

SnowToArmPits posted 4/22/2021 17:24 PM

Tell him yes, you want him to leave. He's being such a passive-aggressive baby, be the adult and tell him to get the hell out.

It's tough you have kids, so it's not easy. You have a hard choice here, sorry but you need to make a decision.

You stay married to him, you need to accept you're going to be married to a serial cheater. This is someone who has no problem looking you in the eye and lying to you. He's a bullshit artist.

I'm really sorry you're stuck with this guy. Up to you if you want to get unstuck. I doubt he'll change. You seem incompatible - your monogamous, he's not. Courage to you, stay strong.

This0is0Fine posted 4/22/2021 17:26 PM

He's reframing to make you feel bad. You are sort of allowing it.

"I think I am only built for (you need) a relationship that is monogamous and that is built on loyalty and trust."


"Tell me what to do. Do you want me to leave?"

He doesn't get it. This is not a real response and is a reframing. It's because his real answer is, "I won't give you that."

Don't tell him to leave. You leave, because he isn't meeting your needs.

Thumos posted 4/22/2021 17:31 PM

Tell me what to do.

Answer: "It's not my job to tell you what to do. Figure out on your own how to go from being an amoral passive whiney little boy to being a man of honor. If you can't figure that out, go sell crazy someplace else."

grubs posted 4/22/2021 17:44 PM

I think I am only built for a relationship that is monogamous and that is built on loyalty and trust.

"Tell me what to do. Do you want me to leave?"

Stealing and paraphrasing from Bigger.
You are totally free to sleep with as many women as you want, but definitely not as my husband. Until or unless you convince me otherwise I am simply assuming you have chosen your other women over this marriage and this family. This inevitably means we need to divorce.

EllieKMAS posted 4/22/2021 17:46 PM

Jeeze girl are you married to my xwh?

I told mine when he did the Victorian hand-wringing thing that he didn't need my help figuring out how to cheat on me so he should be able to figure out how to fix things.


jadedangel posted 4/22/2021 18:16 PM

His reply was, Tell me what to do. Do you want me to leave?

Unfortunately, your WS is a coward. Instead of doing the right thing, he would rather do the wrong thing. And then he will pin this on you because you wouldn't accept his "open marriage proposal".

Tell him since he wasn't man enough to leave by his own accord, then yes you want him to go.

landclark posted 4/22/2021 19:31 PM

His reply was, Tell me what to do. Do you want me to leave?

This sounds a lot like trying to force you to end the marriage so he isn’t the bad guy. I’m sure he will say he tried another route and you were unwilling to compromise.

Screw that. You told him what you needed (monogamy, trust and loyalty). Now it’s up to him to decide if he can give you that or not. If not, he will be ending your marriage. Not you.

ChamomileTea posted 4/22/2021 20:48 PM

I sent him a message saying: I think I am only built for a relationship that is monogamous and that is built on loyalty and trust. His reply was, Tell me what to do. Do you want me to leave?

You shouldn't need to tell him what to do. He's a goddam grown-up who took VOWS to "love, cherish, and be faithful". You don't have to let him get away with that mealy-mouthed non-response. Ask him straight up, "What the hell is THAT supposed to mean? You're no longer an adult who understands his marriage vows? You'd rather leave than be faithful? Is that what you're saying to me?"

Put the ball back in his court. Don't be nice about it. His response was insulting to your intelligence. And quite frankly, it doesn't sound like this guy has done the math yet. Divorces are EXPENSIVE and it doesn't sound to me like your cheater has really considered how different his lifestyle might end up being. The stronger you come out, the more likely he is to tuck tail. You can't afford to be wimpy with him or uninformed. Make an appointment to see an attorney, tell your cheater that if he doesn't clean himself up and fly right, you'll make sure the attorney's strip him down to his socks. The absolute worst thing you can do if you still want your marriage is to let the cheater think you're a pushover. And get checked for STDs. Don't take the word of a cheater when it comes to your health.

grubs posted 4/22/2021 20:55 PM

Divorces are EXPENSIVE and it doesn't sound to me like your cheater has really considered how different his lifestyle might end up being.

He just might have problems paying his prostitutes if he ends up divorced by you.... Likely he's delaying that as long as possible.

BigNoob posted 4/22/2021 22:14 PM

He failed having communication in a monogamous relationship. How is he going to handle a non-monogamous relationship with his poor communication skills. Please rally your support system and send him packing.

RocketRaccoon posted 4/23/2021 00:13 AM

His solution: so get his needs met at a gentlemen’s club, or with an escort. He would be as open with me as I wanted.

If you changed the positions to:
Your solution: so get your needs met at a women’s club (is there such a thing?), or with a male escort. You would be as open with him as he wanted.

Would he be comfortable with it also? What is an open marriage if only one party gets to be 'open'?

Your argument could be that you probably would not cry after sex (as that was a complaint he raised) with another man, as the other man would not have betrayed you. You can apply cheater logic; you are only doing this, so that he will not feel bad about sleeping with other people, as you are also doing it.

See what his reaction is like... he would probably balk at the idea.

Bigger posted 4/23/2021 07:16 AM

Based on the wording in the message I would assume they have been together in the Airbnb before. Maybe only to play cards, but I doubt it… Why state she has the Airbnb “again”? Why no address? As if it’s a known Airbnb and that he already knows she’s had access to it before.

For the record: I wouldn’t want an open marriage, but to me anything a couple mutually agree on and accept with a free will isn’t infidelity. If a couple discuss and decide to open their marriage… well… as long as both do so with full realization and acceptance then fine. Their choice. I do however think you are being forced into this. It’s a change in terminology: instead of him cheating he’s using the benefits of the accepted open marriage.
It’s sort of like people that are caught embezzling often do: It’s not stealing, I planned on returning the money so it’s only a loan… It’s not an affair, I had planned on arranging for an open marriage so it’s really been accepted…

In a fantasy-world I would suggest the following. I emphazise the fantasy part, because I would never recommend doing this!

Tell him that you might be open to the concept of an open marriage. Tell him that you talked to a friend that’s in an open marriage and she was enthusiastic about the benefits and how it helped their marriage. Then tell him that Saturday a week from now you will be leaving town and won’t be back until afternoon Sunday. Tell him it’s enough advance warning so he be home with the kids. If he asks you where you are going then – in the spirit of the open marriage and everyghing on the table – you say that your friend and her husband invited you to visit their friends’ mountain cottage/lakeside home/summer house. Yes – it’s a divorced single man. No – there is no predetermined intention of having sex, but you saw his picture and he is kind of cute. You might, but that’s OK because the marriage is open in both ends…

The leave that Saturday. Be all excited and chatty about it. Go to a friend, a motel or whatever. Get some rest, read a book and take time for yourself. Only make sure you place a bruise somewhere on your body. Like someone held on too fast…

On Sunday come home all chipper and happy. Whistle and hum. If he asks then yes – you had sex and it was GREAT! For the first time in years you got rid of all that stress and frustration. Why did he rock your boat? Well… he was sexually compatible.
Hug your husband and thank him for the great idea of opening the marriage. You can’t WAIT to meet his guy again. Be all happy and chatty that this man is only interested in the sex aspect. It’s only sex – no emotions so you and husband can carry on being married and just outsource the problematic sex-incompatiblity-issue.
(Heck… if you want to really f@ck up your husband you imply that the OM was larger, but that wasn’t what made the difference…)

On Tuesday tell him you are going out Thursday evening but should be home by nine. If he asks then you are meeting the man again. If he complains then ask if he would rather you chose a new lover each time.

Something tells me that when your husband suggested the Open Marriage he wasn’t thinking of you reaping any benefits from it…

Once again – this might be an interesting approach but I wouldn’t do it. This is more of a mental exercise sort of thing.

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