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New beginnings with out a partner ever again?

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twicefooled posted 4/19/2021 09:47 AM

I'm 7yrs removed from marriage.

The first 2yrs I rejected any and all male attention (female too lol). Wanted no part of it.

The past 5yrs have been spent dating around, really just having fun and keeping it light.

I spent almost 17yrs married, so I felt that since I am the master of my own destiny that now I am free to have the kind of relationship that I want!

I will not combine children under a household, my ex already brings turmoil into our lives I wasn't going to take a chance on another guy bringing drama into my home.

I will not live with anyone until at least after my kiddos leave (youngest graduates high school in 4yrs).

I met the most amazing guy last summer who has the same "requirements" of a relationship as I do (his ex is a LOT like mine so we understand how addiction colours everyone!)

If we don't work out, I will be sad because he's great but I will never allow another individual to devestate me like my ex did.

My gift to myself is my freedom and I hold that VERY dear.

[This message edited by twicefooled at 9:48 AM, April 19th (Monday)]

Karmafan posted 4/19/2021 18:08 PM

As I write this, I am in my bed spread like a starfish (love that Ellie!) feeling content with myself, my home, life in general. I grew up thinking that someone couldnít be complete without a significant other but truth be told, I felt anything but whole in both my marriage and the LT relationship that followed. I felt....obliterated. Wiped out. Grey. And now?

I sleep wonderfully. I love my job. I love my freedom. I feel in control. My kids are doing great. We travel together and sometimes I travel solo which I wouldnít have dreamed of doing five years ago. I have rediscovered the pleasure of talking to a friend, without time pressure or guilt. I have created a life for myself and the kids which is beautiful in its simplicity.

I dated at the beginning of the year and I wasnít ready. I was offered a FWB type thing and I declined. And the really great bit is that I have no regret over any of it. I no longer think, what if this is my last chance?? Because even if it is, I know Iíll be ok. More than ok. Whole.

skeetermooch posted 4/20/2021 17:43 PM

While I think a partnered life has clear benefits and can increase happiness, a bad partner is devastating and takes years to recover from. In the past, I've underestimated how good my life was and eagerly got involved when Mr. Wonderful showed up. Later, I felt like I'd let a gremlin into my safe sanctuary and regretted it bitterly.

And, studies show that single women tend to be healthier and happier.

It would take a whole helluva lot for me to let someone in again. I'm vigilantly guarding my peace from here on out.

I don't really do friends with benefits simply because if I liked someone enough to have sex with them, I'd like them enough to get attached. So, I don't see going that route. I'm not over sex, but it's definitely lose some luster.

AngelBetrayed posted 4/20/2021 23:52 PM

A new beginning without ever having a partner again sounds good to me. I have a great family, fabulous friends and even at my age, so many things I want to do with my life. Living totally on my terms doesnít sound too bad. Iím retiring soon and anxious to move on with my life. I plan to take some courses, maybe even go back to college, spend more time with my kids and grandkids and take up a few new hobbies. Sounds like a pretty full life to me. Iíve tried OLD in the past and Iím not impressed. I may never meet anyone but I will be out there living my life.

BetrayedGamer posted 4/21/2021 03:35 AM

There seems to be two directions people go after a serious breakup. One camp goes with the "hate the sex of a partner" route and avoids any relationship, learning to enjoy the benefits of being single. I admit there are great benefits and I've been there before.

The other camp goes into the "obsessed with finding someone new" phase, believing that they can find someone better than the person that betrayed them, thus helping them get passed the last relationship. This CAN be a valid strategy, and I've been there too.

But I think there is a middle ground as well. I hit this after the end of my last serious relationship, prior to meeting the STBXWW. You take the fun and enjoyment of single life, then adds the potential that OLD or other social interaction may bring. You're not doing it out of desperation, instead you make a game out of it. I've sort of achieved this state before and I felt like it was the best of both worlds. I didn't care about OLD rejections. I was a lot more picky about matches, and about flags popping up after 1st and 2nd dates. If I didn't get any good matches for weeks, no big deal I did the single life stuff. I didn't put any deadline on OLD, never put any expectations on it, just did it as one of many "hobbies".

Unrealized posted 4/21/2021 05:08 AM

Four months in and I couldnít think of anything worse then dating. Happy being single, focusing a bit more on work, and raising the kids. Maybe in the future this will change but after this experience it might take a while. I actually quite like the free time when I can get out and do some challenging outdoor stuff that I felt guilty doing before.

EllieKMAS posted 4/21/2021 10:39 AM

One camp goes with the "hate the sex of a partner" route and avoids any relationship, learning to enjoy the benefits of being single.
The other camp goes into the "obsessed with finding someone new" phase, believing that they can find someone better than the person that betrayed them, thus helping them get passed the last relationship.
Just my 0.02, but if someone falls into either of these, I don't think that's particularly healthy. Understandable either way to be sure, but not healthy.

I don't think enjoying being single automatically implies that "I hate men", just saying. There are any number of men that I hold in very high regard. And I will not be "that" woman that thinks ALL men are shit just cus my exdouche happens to be a particularly nasty specimen. HE is a shit, MEN are not collectively shits.

For me - yes, I very much enjoy being single after being in such an unhealthy and lopsided relationship for a decade. I am not in any hurry to 'get back out there' because I am very much enjoying my own company and deeply appreciating the joyful simplicity of being by and doing for myself. And also definitely want to take time to work on my shit so if/when I do happen to meet someone or start dating again, I am doing so from a place of peace and strength within and not because I am desperate for a dewd (BTDT have the t-shirt, not interested in revisiting).

DevastatedDee posted 4/21/2021 10:56 AM

Yeah, I agree with you, Ellie (shocking, lol). The best place to be in mentally for a relationship is when you don't feel that it's a requirement for happiness but you also aren't opposed to the very idea. I'm close to that. I say close because when I think of seriously dating, I feel tired. "Ugh, someone else's needs and compromise and stuff", ha ha.

EllieKMAS posted 4/21/2021 11:05 AM

I'm close to that. I say close because when I think of seriously dating, I feel tired.
Giiiirl - SAME

BetrayedGamer posted 4/21/2021 11:58 AM

The best place to be in mentally for a relationship is when you don't feel that it's a requirement for happiness but you also aren't opposed to the very idea.

This, IMO, is the healthiest middle ground, at least for me.

crazyblindsided posted 4/21/2021 14:23 PM

because when I think of seriously dating, I feel tired. "Ugh, someone else's needs and compromise and stuff"

Yes to all of this lol ^^^

Karmafan posted 4/21/2021 17:39 PM

Ugh, someone else's needs and compromise and stuff, ha ha.

Also giving up all your weekends. Chatting every evening, even if you are braindead. Living your life on a spreadsheet. Compromising on what to watch on Netflix. Sharing your precious precious bed. And shaving more than once a month

Errrrrrr, no thank you !!!!!!

BearlyBreathing posted 4/21/2021 19:58 PM

You shave once a month??? Hahahaha... although I do realize that pool season is coming, so soon Ill have to be waxed and vaxed...

Iím JUST at the point where I am curious about dating. When you stick your hand in the fire, it takes a while to trust being anywhere near a flame...

Gottagetthrough posted 4/22/2021 10:36 AM

I just donít know if there are any good men near me? I am the mother of two sons who I hope will grow up to be good men, my father was an exceptionally good husband (my wh says he was 1 in a million and most men are like him, not my dad) But my wh and other men that he hangs around and is friends with are all scumbags.


I donít want a man who talks about women and their bodies and is crass.

I want a person who loves me and thinks Iím the world.

I donít think that exists, at least for me.

EllieKMAS posted 4/22/2021 11:18 AM

Gotta honey you aren't even really separated yet. Worrying abut dating is like step number 863 on the list and you are on step 6B right now.

I know how scary and intimidating it feels thinking of the 'finding someone' thing and the 'being alone' thing, I really do. But for now, worry about getting truly done and clear of the stbxwh and figuring out your new normal. Spoil yourself a little and take care of you and your kids. For right now, dating and finding mr right really shouldn't even be on your radar. Just my 0.02.

Sending you hugs - all the D stuff just sucks and it's scary and hard, no matter what. You'll get through it though - I promise you will!

BetrayedGamer posted 4/22/2021 13:42 PM

Going to agree with EllieKMAS. A month ago I was all about going back to dating. I wanted to hit the dating sites hard, replace her, show her I'm better than the way she's treating me.

Now as the reality of the D gets closer, the reality of the STBXWW moving out gets closer, I'm not thinking about dating at all. It's all about setting up a life without her cheating in it, picking up the pieces, rearranging the nest so it feels like my own. Dating again will come when the urge hits me, but now I know that won't be until I feel "settled in" to single life again.

[This message edited by BetrayedGamer at 1:44 PM, April 22nd (Thursday)]

gmc94 posted 4/22/2021 15:48 PM

I donít think that exists, at least for me.
Gotta - I struggle with this sometimes too.
And I'm finding at this particular place in my journey, these thoughts are really about my own self love. It's a work in progress, but I think it's worthwhile... or really plain old necessary.

I can list a thousand ways I'm a crummy potential partner, without batting an eye.

Listing the million ways I'm awesome? Takes some work for me.

I want to change that dynamic, because I may be old and fat and crabby and the lot... but I am ALSO funny, smart, emotionally aware, detail oriented, a pushover for old movies, etc. I can start to see the ways in which I am a "catch" to the right person.

And when I really think about it, I would be miserable trying to pretzel/change myself into someone that the "market" wants. I want someone who wants and loves me for who I am, warts & all. I felt that with my WH and it's been a VERY painful (and recent) path to dissect the ways in which having that and discovering it was a mirage is damaging and need healing. I mean, I REALLY loved the way I felt my WH loved me. But, it's now time to figure out how to love myself, before anything else.

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