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Do I tell the kids

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DanielJK posted 4/16/2021 14:29 PM

My original post is below (closed now, so I started here again).

My STBXWW has told me many times she has no one waiting in the wings. And I believed her. I thought she was done with AP. We were moving to divorce nonetheless.

I know she was at APs house today.

I know we were moving towards divorce but it still hurts.

I went scorched earth today. The kids and the in-laws now know everything.

God help me.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=649994

[This message edited by DanielJK at 2:30 PM, April 16th (Friday)]

asc1226 posted 4/16/2021 15:04 PM

They were going to find out eventually. I know youíve been dreading this, but every day you didnít tell them you were running the risk that your stbxww would give them her version of events. I think you know how that would have gone given her present relationship with the truth.

Edited for clarity

[This message edited by asc1226 at 3:12 PM, April 16th (Friday)]

crazyblindsided posted 4/16/2021 15:53 PM

Just shows you are making the right decision to D. It is better they all know before she spins her side and she will try to spin it seems they all do.

rugswept posted 4/16/2021 15:59 PM

Never feel restrained when stating the truth. A's can have VERY big consequences, as in completely changing lives for many people, all at once.

It's best, in your case, that everyone have a clear understanding why their life with you is going to be so different. At least now they know who created the whole situation.

fareast posted 4/16/2021 16:06 PM

She has lied to you at every turn. Good for you and your children that someone is telling the truth.

Westway posted 4/16/2021 16:55 PM

You know, there is being in the "fog". And then there is just being plain stupid. What does your WW really think she is trying to do by lying to you and then running around behind your back? You have already demonstrated to her that you will check and verify everything, and then she goes and does something brazen like that?

Unbelievable.

DanielJK posted 4/16/2021 17:10 PM

I don't know why...but it feels like dday all over again.

We were moving toward divorce, I knew it was coming.

I still feel like shit today. I feel like I've hit a new low...why am I so down?

This sucks so bad. My anxiety is through the roof and I'm back to not eating and drinking again. I was doing well, then today hit.

It's been 11 months of hell...I can't wait to get out of this hell.

I can't believe how evil this woman is...and she still takes the position of victim in all of this. The victim mentality is maddening. I'm going to lose it.

My daughters now know the full truth about what happened to their family.

This0is0Fine posted 4/16/2021 17:17 PM

I never commented on your other thread. A bit surprising given how prolifically I post and having followed your story.

You didn't scorch the earth. She did. You were still protecting her from the damage she caused. She was undeserving of that good grace in the first place.

Sorry you are feeling down, but you've done the right thing.

guvensiz posted 4/16/2021 18:15 PM

You were even late. This was one of the consequences she had to face.

It's normal still to hurt. You expect a crumb of respect at every stage, but you get hurt unless you see it. And it would be very optimistic to see it in divorce process you didn't get when you were married.

It's been 11 months of hell...I can't wait to get out of this hell.

As I said in the your other thread; Don't wait any longer to start your new life.
As you focus on the new life mentally, you will think less of them and get less hurt. Your self-confidence will improve. STBXW's reaction to this can also be healing for you, it doesn't matter if not.

ChamomileTea posted 4/16/2021 18:40 PM

I still feel like shit today. I feel like I've hit a new low...why am I so down?

This sucks so bad. My anxiety is through the roof and I'm back to not eating and drinking again. I was doing well, then today hit.

Maybe the reason you feel so anxious and upset is because you feel like what you did was vindictive or selfish. Here's the deal though, your girls deserved to know what broke up their home. It's about HONESTY, and yeah, I get it, you got pushed and you feel like maybe you did it for the wrong reason, but it's honesty nonetheless and THAT is what will protect your relationship with your kids. They need to know that you'll always be straight with them, and up until now, you haven't been. THAT's the part to apologize for, that you weren't up front with the facts until now.

As others have said, don't overshare. Don't make them into confidants. Don't get your feelings hurt by their reactions, no matter what those reactions are. Just answer whatever questions they have as honestly and age appropriately as possible... and keep on being Dad.

survrus posted 4/16/2021 20:01 PM

Dan,

OM & WW together destroyed your childrens family and how valuable is having an intact family to children. They are guilty of child abuse,

Had WW stole a large sum of money it would have been not forgotten but accepted at some time in the future.

Exposure is a trivial punishment compared to the crime, if anything exposure is partial compensation for your kids loses.

Good work, now onto widespread and sudden exposure of the OM....

HalfTime2017 posted 4/16/2021 20:05 PM

Daniel, hell yea you have to tell the kids and I'm glad you did. YOU also need to name the AP. I disagree with those that say you don't. Once you separate, she'll come around and say I met ABC and he's such a great guy. When you name his name, the kids and others will know that he is not a great guy, and that he is a piece of shit just like your WW.

When you don't tell you side of the story, case and point, look at the other thread with Absolon. His wayward finance told their whole bridal party that the reason they broke up and decided to stop the wedding was b/c Absolon was abusive. I'm sure you've seen that thread. Either you control the narrative, or they will. And they are never going to tell everyone they're the bad guy. Trust on this.

Name the AP. There is no reason not to name the AP. That way, they don't get to tell everyone a future lie that they met after you two separated. NOPE.

Keep your head up. This momentary pain is just that, it will get better. YOu won't be in this amount of pain for long.

How did your daughters take the news. They're old enough now that they understand cheating and probably were aware of somethings at that age. Did they have any clues mom was cheating?

Poppy704 posted 4/16/2021 20:14 PM

I realize Iím going to be the dissenting voice, but you did decide to expose in a fit of spite. You didnít share with loved ones looking for support. You and your wife were already moving towards divorce. You went to her parents and her kids to damage her. They will know this and they may not appreciate being used that way. Be prepared for this to hurt your relationship with your kids. Start planning on how youíre going to handle that fall out now. This is not about your wife and punishing her, this is about not damaging your relationship with your kids any further.

asc1226 posted 4/16/2021 20:33 PM

Poppy:

You went to her parents and her kids to damage her.

Theyíre not her kids, they are their kids. And yes, this may damage her. Itís a consequence of her choice to have multiple affairs that the truth of that may damage her.

leafields posted 4/16/2021 21:32 PM

Daniel, so sorry you're feeling so bad and down.

Have you heard the joke, " How do you know a politician is lying? " Their lips are moving. I changed it to how did I know it XH is lying? His lips were moving.

Another hard part of this process has been to not care when I hear he's with somebody else. It still hurts. I have told my (adult) kids and SIL that I expect him to remarry soon.

Narcs need a source and somebody to control and blame.

Keep moving forward.

crazyblindsided posted 4/16/2021 21:35 PM

Poppy sheís probably going to introduce AP to the kids since she is still seeing him they might as well know why the family imploded. No need to shame the OP when he did nothing wrong. I told every person around me I wasnít going to let my Ex get one over on me when they are the perpetrators.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 9:36 PM, April 16th (Friday)]

blahblahblahe posted 4/16/2021 21:37 PM

@poppy704 when are you ever going to post something without your endless anti-male agenda.

Seriously have you considered treatment?

fareast posted 4/16/2021 21:50 PM

Poppy704:

I appreciate your perspective. Itís okay in my view to put forth a dissenting opinion. That being said in this case I believe you are wrong in your assessment. In almost every case of exposure of infidelity to family and friends there will be an element of intent to hurt the cheater. Itís only normal. But the more important overriding element is to share the truth with those close to the BS. What does tend to lead to possible damage to relations with children and family is a constant bashing and talking badly about the WS to children over time. That is very different than sharing the truth of what happened. I think the OP sharing the truth of the WWís betrayal is a positive. Just my two cents.

Poppy704 posted 4/16/2021 21:54 PM

My agenda is presenting a realistic perspective based on how the real world works. The kids are not automatically going to side with dad. The in-laws arenít going to fall all over themselves supporting their soon to be former son in law and turn against their daughter.

We encourage BS to blow up their own worlds, and this advice is not always the best course of action. The people around you will not appreciative being a part of your revenge against their will. I say this having watched my ex husband hurt himself immensely by his own actions.

[This message edited by Poppy704 at 9:57 PM, April 16th (Friday)]

prissy4lyfe posted 4/16/2021 22:10 PM

And there are many others...my children...who knew what happened and GREATLY appreciated being told the truth.
Their counselor approved.

Now I have 3... healthy children who are aware of boundaries, able to ask for help, practice forgiveness...

AND still love their father.

They are better equipped to speak up when they feel uncomfortable and they are able to express their boundaries.

While there are posters who only seem to believe that giving children the truth is spiteful...my children are proof that telling the the truth and equipping children with the tools needed to process trauma while being and a example of how to go thru traumatic events is "real world".

It blows my mind how we harp.so much about how WS get to be wayward...fucked up coping skills and adults who showed them how to lie and pretend.

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