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Reconciliation :
How to Help With a Trigger

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 Underserving (original poster member #72259) posted at 6:08 PM on Wednesday, April 14th, 2021

So this Friday night we are going to a baseball game with a friend of my WH’s and his wife. I haven’t been to a ballgame in ages, and am really looking forward to it!

The catch is, we have to drive past the exact exit my WH would take to go to the AP’s apartment. It will be the first time I have ever driven by there since learning of the A. There is no way to avoid it, unfortunately.

Any suggestions on ways to prepare for this expected trigger? I really don’t want it to ruin a fun night for me...

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 775   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8650599
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sadgirlinsouth ( new member #77316) posted at 6:38 PM on Wednesday, April 14th, 2021

When I go to one of my favorite coffee shops, I have to drive by my WH's old work place where it all started with the OW. I know this is childish, but I shoot it a bird everytime.

posts: 21   ·   registered: Feb. 15th, 2021
id 8650615
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 6:50 PM on Wednesday, April 14th, 2021

Deep breaths, maybe close your eyes and imagine you're in your favorite place ...

or ...

talk about the trigger with your H....

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 31110   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8650623
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 Underserving (original poster member #72259) posted at 7:17 PM on Wednesday, April 14th, 2021

Oh there will be the giving of the bird. Maybe a few other expletives as well.

I do plan on talking to him about it beforehand, it’s just going to suck if it gets to me in the moment, as the ball field is only a few minutes past it. I don’t want to be in a weird ass mood around his poor friend and wife the whole night.

But yes, maybe talking about it before will help and I won’t feel the need to talk about it during/after. As Chaos says, I’m gonna put on my badass sparkly unicorn panties and try to enjoy the night! (Is that how it goes? It’s something like that lol)

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 775   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8650631
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SadieMae ( member #42986) posted at 7:22 PM on Wednesday, April 14th, 2021

Is there something your WH could say/do to help you when you drive past?

Do you want him to shoot a bird with you? Would it mean a lot if he fired off the first bird? Or if he talked about that trashy part of town?

Me: BW D-day 3/9/2014
TT until 6/2016
TT again Fall 2020
Yay! A new D-Day on 11/8/2023 WTAF

posts: 1477   ·   registered: Apr. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: Sweet Tea in the Shade
id 8650634
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 Underserving (original poster member #72259) posted at 8:33 PM on Wednesday, April 14th, 2021

Is there something your WH could say/do to help you when you drive past?

Do you want him to shoot a bird with you? Would it mean a lot if he fired off the first bird? Or if he talked about that trashy part of town?

Hmm.. this is good advice, thanks! Having a plan for what I want him to say or do is a great idea. I’m going to think on it!

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 775   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8650667
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CaptainRogers ( member #57127) posted at 9:39 PM on Wednesday, April 14th, 2021

We used to drive past 3 places they met up when we went to church. I asked my wife to put her hand on mine, or on my shoulder or on my leg as a sign that she recognized the trigger spot and to be able to do it without the kids noticing anything "weird".

I, would either keep my eyes straight ahead (if I was driving) or would just put my head down (if I was the passenger).

In those early days, I didn't even want to look. Eventually, I went to every place I knew they met up (except for one in particular that I refused to desecrate) and I spit on the parking lot. Closure.

BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical

posts: 3355   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2017   ·   location: The Rockies
id 8650685
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Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 9:58 PM on Wednesday, April 14th, 2021

I pass AP’s exit twice a day. I remember the first time and it was a trigger. Now I might think about it 2 out 10 times. It’s time to conquer it. Don’t let infidelity take a great night of Baseball away. Give it the finger and enjoy your evening.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 33 years

posts: 3713   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8650696
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 Underserving (original poster member #72259) posted at 10:13 PM on Wednesday, April 14th, 2021

and I spit on the parking lot. Closure.

This is great! 😂 Glad you found a way to get some closure.

It’s time to conquer it. Don’t let infidelity take a great night of Baseball away. Give it the finger and enjoy your evening

.

This is exactly what I would say to someone else. You’re right. One big “fuck you” moment and then I’m going to have a good night. Fingers crossed it really works out that way.

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 775   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8650699
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 12:32 AM on Thursday, April 15th, 2021

A trigger pulls you into the past. If it happens, the way to deal with it is to pull yourself back to the present.

Remind yourself he isn't taking that exit now and never will (for the A) again. You are going to a baseball game to enjoy your night. Do a breathing exercise. If you haven't tried them, I almost can't recommend them enough. Maybe also try to pull in reminders of more recent positive experiences.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2941   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8650740
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Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 1:22 AM on Thursday, April 15th, 2021

You could... imagine being Godzilla and eating the building as you pass by. Or... a giant version of NTV farting through the windows and triggering a city-wide emergency.

Married 2005
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." -Brene Brown

posts: 6737   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8650752
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 Underserving (original poster member #72259) posted at 2:14 PM on Thursday, April 15th, 2021

Now I’m just picturing myself in the car with my husband screaming “I’m Godzilla, bitch! Fuck that apartment complex!”, as we drive by it. 😂

I’m going to think about that one for sure, and hell maybe I’ll just laugh when we pass it. What a victory that would be. :)

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 775   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8650827
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maise ( member #69516) posted at 2:31 PM on Thursday, April 15th, 2021

I can relate to this, I had (and have) to take the exit to the AP’s house and pass by it all the time. So in the beginning it was hard it seemed no matter what I did to prepare myself I would still trigger. I feel like for me - I would either try to create a different association with that area or I would face it and the repeat exposure would be the reason I would build past the trigger. Lately I haven’t triggered upon passing the AP’s house but that definitely took time.

I hope that you are able to enjoy your evening still. Try to breathe through it (assuming it may occur) and be kind to yourself. No self-deprecating thoughts, and if possible try to identify the emotion (I feel...uncared for, unimportant, unwanted, etc.) so that’s you can attempt to journal and process it later on. The more I processed through triggers by identifying the underlying emotion/hurt the less intense they became over time in addition to repeat exposure or recreation of memories for the area.

[This message edited by maise at 8:33 AM, April 15th (Thursday)]

BW (SSM) D-Day: 6/9/2018 Status: Divorced

"Our task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."

— Rumi

posts: 978   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2019   ·   location: Houston
id 8650832
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 4:53 PM on Thursday, April 15th, 2021

I pass AP’s exit twice a day. I remember the first time and it was a trigger. Now I might think about it 2 out 10 times.

Undeserving, I know it might be too late at this point, but I would suggest you and your WH drive the route before the game. WHile that won't make it not be a trigger on gameday, the first trigger is always the worse. Getting some desensitization in ahead of time will make it easier on gameday.

posts: 1655   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8650871
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 8:25 PM on Thursday, April 15th, 2021

Maybe the anticipation is worse than the actual day of.

I was always more unhappy the day before dday than the actual Dday.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 12 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 14748   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8650959
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Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 8:57 PM on Thursday, April 15th, 2021

Maybe the anticipation is worse than the actual day of.

I have found this to be true so many times. I spend so much emotional energy worrying about the day or potential trigger, when it comes it’s like ok that wasn’t so bad.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 33 years

posts: 3713   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8650979
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 Underserving (original poster member #72259) posted at 9:12 PM on Thursday, April 15th, 2021

Maybe the anticipation is worse than the actual day of.

Here’s hoping! I wouldn’t usually put as much thought into it, but I’ve never met this guy or his wife, so I really don’t want to end up in a weird mood. My husband said we didn’t have to go, but I’m tired of the A ruining shit for me. I just want to be able to enjoy complimentary tickets to a dang baseball game!

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 775   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8650985
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Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 11:27 PM on Thursday, April 15th, 2021

I just want to be able to enjoy complimentary tickets to a dang baseball game!

Just focus on the turkey leg he owes you 😀

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 33 years

posts: 3713   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8651022
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 Underserving (original poster member #72259) posted at 12:18 AM on Friday, April 16th, 2021

Haha yes!

I’m actually having a hard time deciding if I want to get a hot dog or nachos. Maybe both??

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 775   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8651037
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 12:34 AM on Friday, April 16th, 2021

I’m actually having a hard time deciding if I want to get a hot dog or nachos. Maybe both??

Duh. Both.

posts: 1655   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8651042
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