"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Underserving posted 4/14/2021 12:08 PM

So this Friday night we are going to a baseball game with a friend of my WH’s and his wife. I haven’t been to a ballgame in ages, and am really looking forward to it!

The catch is, we have to drive past the exact exit my WH would take to go to the AP’s apartment. It will be the first time I have ever driven by there since learning of the A. There is no way to avoid it, unfortunately.

Any suggestions on ways to prepare for this expected trigger? I really don’t want it to ruin a fun night for me...

sadgirlinsouth posted 4/14/2021 12:38 PM

When I go to one of my favorite coffee shops, I have to drive by my WH's old work place where it all started with the OW. I know this is childish, but I shoot it a bird everytime.

sisoon posted 4/14/2021 12:50 PM

Deep breaths, maybe close your eyes and imagine you're in your favorite place ...

or ...

talk about the trigger with your H....

Underserving posted 4/14/2021 13:17 PM

Oh there will be the giving of the bird. Maybe a few other expletives as well.

I do plan on talking to him about it beforehand, it’s just going to suck if it gets to me in the moment, as the ball field is only a few minutes past it. I don’t want to be in a weird ass mood around his poor friend and wife the whole night.

But yes, maybe talking about it before will help and I won’t feel the need to talk about it during/after. As Chaos says, I’m gonna put on my badass sparkly unicorn panties and try to enjoy the night! (Is that how it goes? It’s something like that lol)

SadieMae posted 4/14/2021 13:22 PM

Is there something your WH could say/do to help you when you drive past?

Do you want him to shoot a bird with you? Would it mean a lot if he fired off the first bird? Or if he talked about that trashy part of town?

Underserving posted 4/14/2021 14:33 PM

Is there something your WH could say/do to help you when you drive past?
Do you want him to shoot a bird with you? Would it mean a lot if he fired off the first bird? Or if he talked about that trashy part of town?

Hmm.. this is good advice, thanks! Having a plan for what I want him to say or do is a great idea. I’m going to think on it!

CaptainRogers posted 4/14/2021 15:39 PM

We used to drive past 3 places they met up when we went to church. I asked my wife to put her hand on mine, or on my shoulder or on my leg as a sign that she recognized the trigger spot and to be able to do it without the kids noticing anything "weird".

I, would either keep my eyes straight ahead (if I was driving) or would just put my head down (if I was the passenger).

In those early days, I didn't even want to look. Eventually, I went to every place I knew they met up (except for one in particular that I refused to desecrate) and I spit on the parking lot. Closure.

Tanner posted 4/14/2021 15:58 PM

I pass AP’s exit twice a day. I remember the first time and it was a trigger. Now I might think about it 2 out 10 times. It’s time to conquer it. Don’t let infidelity take a great night of Baseball away. Give it the finger and enjoy your evening.

Underserving posted 4/14/2021 16:13 PM

and I spit on the parking lot. Closure.

This is great! 😂 Glad you found a way to get some closure.

It’s time to conquer it. Don’t let infidelity take a great night of Baseball away. Give it the finger and enjoy your evening

.

This is exactly what I would say to someone else. You’re right. One big “fuck you” moment and then I’m going to have a good night. Fingers crossed it really works out that way.

This0is0Fine posted 4/14/2021 18:32 PM

A trigger pulls you into the past. If it happens, the way to deal with it is to pull yourself back to the present.

Remind yourself he isn't taking that exit now and never will (for the A) again. You are going to a baseball game to enjoy your night. Do a breathing exercise. If you haven't tried them, I almost can't recommend them enough. Maybe also try to pull in reminders of more recent positive experiences.

Unhinged posted 4/14/2021 19:22 PM

You could... imagine being Godzilla and eating the building as you pass by. Or... a giant version of NTV farting through the windows and triggering a city-wide emergency.

Underserving posted 4/15/2021 08:14 AM

Now I’m just picturing myself in the car with my husband screaming “I’m Godzilla, bitch! Fuck that apartment complex!”, as we drive by it. 😂

I’m going to think about that one for sure, and hell maybe I’ll just laugh when we pass it. What a victory that would be. :)

maise posted 4/15/2021 08:31 AM

I can relate to this, I had (and have) to take the exit to the AP’s house and pass by it all the time. So in the beginning it was hard it seemed no matter what I did to prepare myself I would still trigger. I feel like for me - I would either try to create a different association with that area or I would face it and the repeat exposure would be the reason I would build past the trigger. Lately I haven’t triggered upon passing the AP’s house but that definitely took time.

I hope that you are able to enjoy your evening still. Try to breathe through it (assuming it may occur) and be kind to yourself. No self-deprecating thoughts, and if possible try to identify the emotion (I feel...uncared for, unimportant, unwanted, etc.) so that’s you can attempt to journal and process it later on. The more I processed through triggers by identifying the underlying emotion/hurt the less intense they became over time in addition to repeat exposure or recreation of memories for the area.

[This message edited by maise at 8:33 AM, April 15th (Thursday)]

grubs posted 4/15/2021 10:53 AM

I pass AP’s exit twice a day. I remember the first time and it was a trigger. Now I might think about it 2 out 10 times.

Undeserving, I know it might be too late at this point, but I would suggest you and your WH drive the route before the game. WHile that won't make it not be a trigger on gameday, the first trigger is always the worse. Getting some desensitization in ahead of time will make it easier on gameday.

The1stWife posted 4/15/2021 14:25 PM

Maybe the anticipation is worse than the actual day of.

I was always more unhappy the day before dday than the actual Dday.

Tanner posted 4/15/2021 14:57 PM

Maybe the anticipation is worse than the actual day of.

I have found this to be true so many times. I spend so much emotional energy worrying about the day or potential trigger, when it comes it’s like ok that wasn’t so bad.

Underserving posted 4/15/2021 15:12 PM

Maybe the anticipation is worse than the actual day of.

Here’s hoping! I wouldn’t usually put as much thought into it, but I’ve never met this guy or his wife, so I really don’t want to end up in a weird mood. My husband said we didn’t have to go, but I’m tired of the A ruining shit for me. I just want to be able to enjoy complimentary tickets to a dang baseball game!

Tanner posted 4/15/2021 17:27 PM

I just want to be able to enjoy complimentary tickets to a dang baseball game!

Just focus on the turkey leg he owes you 😀

Underserving posted 4/15/2021 18:18 PM

Haha yes!

I’m actually having a hard time deciding if I want to get a hot dog or nachos. Maybe both??

grubs posted 4/15/2021 18:34 PM

I’m actually having a hard time deciding if I want to get a hot dog or nachos. Maybe both??

Duh. Both.