InPurgatory posted 4/11/2021 20:23 PM

After another major raging incident last week, I contacted my lawyer and set the date for having WH served to this Friday. I was advised by the lawyer to not be home and to leave the house for a few days while he cools down, but not to plan on moving out if he refuses to.

I've moved important papers and a few valuables to a safe place. I have a bag of clothes and supplies at a nearby location. I have enough cash on hand to stay in a hotel somewhere without needing to charge it. On advice of my lawyer, I'm planning to install a keyed lock on my bedroom door the night before and I'm going to try and get a security camera set up in the bedroom.

I'm nervous. I have no idea how he will respond, but I have to plan for the worst. My kids and friends are worried, which increases my anxiety. I managed to capture last week's blow up on a recording, which I sent to my lawyer. She agrees it is abusive but doesn't think it's enough for a judge to have him removed from the home unless it happens again after he is served. So, I get to sit and wait for another possible rage and hope that if it happens I manage to document it sufficiently. If it's serious enough, then we can petition a judge for sole possession. If it doesn't happen, then I guess we'll be uncomfortably sharing the house for the duration. I'm not sure which option is worse.

I feel like I'm going to forget something important, but I have made lists of things to do. Some things I had planned on, like moving my share of our joint checking and savings accounts to a personal account, I was told by my lawyer not to do. So I guess I just hope that he doesn't do anything rash with our finances. I just opened up an individual credit card so at least I will have that. I'm moving direct deposit of my paycheck to my personal account (I think that's acceptable). I would welcome suggestions for things I may not have thought of.

Wish me luck.

homewrecked2011 posted 4/11/2021 22:35 PM

I did this in a prior relationship and it was HEAVEN being where he could not find me!
I actually moved out -furniture and all while he was at work. I left him a towel, a plate, a set of silverware, clothes. Gees, it was my apartment, but I couldn’t get away from him any other way.

You’ll feel so empowered. I’m proud of you!!!!

BearlyBreathing posted 4/12/2021 08:21 AM

Sending strength..

barcher144 posted 4/12/2021 10:31 AM

She agrees it is abusive but doesn't think it's enough for a judge to have him removed from the home unless it happens again after he is served.

I realize that laws vary based on location, but...

My xWW went to court and had me removed from the marital home with precisely zero ACCUSATIONS of any misconduct after I was served with divorce papers.

xWW had accusations of misconduct prior to her decision to file for divorce, but they were just accusations and I had pretty solid evidence to show that her accusations were false.

The judge still kicked me out of the marital home.

Maybe you should discuss this further with your lawyer?

I totally understand your situation though. It's ironic given what she said in court, but I was the one who was afraid for my safety when we were living together. I stayed elsewhere as much as I could... and I installed keyed locks on my bedroom door (I might be bigger and stronger than her, but I'd be no match for her with a gun/knife if I was asleep, you know?).

One piece of advice that has helped me here and there is that I put Life 360 on my phone and I allowed my girlfriend to track my whereabouts 24/7. As a minimum, it provided her with information to call the police (or to know that I had been arrested) if I disappeared. It also came in handy last week when xWW accused me of sitting in her driveway for an hour when I dropped our son off at her house.

BearlyBreathing posted 4/12/2021 14:32 PM

I have no advise, just want to send you some support.
Have a VAR on you at all times.

-BB

InPurgatory posted 4/12/2021 15:18 PM

Thanks everyone. The hardest part right now is trying to focus on work. I have things that have to be taken care of before Friday.

barcher, I have followed your story for a long time, and you have been through a rough time. I'm glad that you're finally beginning to see the light at end of the tunnel. My lawyer has always been aware of WH's control issues and bullying tactics, and she agrees that he is a potential threat. But her opinion on getting sole possession of the house was also what I have heard from another lawyer and the local women's shelter. I'm guessing that the lawyer knows from experience what the judge is likely to consider "enough". I live in an area that is somewhat traditional in its character. Doesn't bode well for women's rights, but does for filing for at-fault divorce because of infidelity. I maintain pretty regular contact with both daughters and (sadly) they know that if they don't hear back from me in a timely manner they need to check on me.

BB, I have been living with both a VAR and my phone recording app running as often as I can manage for about two years now. That's the only reason I have last week's episode documented. The sad thing is that for most of the last few episodes, they have happened when he has caught me unawares (i.e. getting laundry out of the dryer, waking up from a nap, etc.) and much of the conversation was missed before I was able to start recording. My VAR eats batteries if I leave it on, so I only am able to use it for specific times. I mostly keep my phone recorder on and paused so that I can start it quickly. This is one reason I'm planning to get a security camera installed. I'm supposed to turn off the audio recording if I'm not there, but if I'm in the room then it's legal. The camera will also help monitor the safety of my room when I'm not there.

WhoTheBleep posted 4/12/2021 15:33 PM

If he is violent, pursue an order of protection which would keep him out of the house.

I don't understand why rage before filing is okay, but rage after filing is not. The law is the law.

I wish you the best. Waiting for stbx to be served was one of the most frightening times of my life... And I gently let him know that it was coming, to minimize an extreme reaction. It was like this delicate little dance that I did over time...it sucked.

InPurgatory posted 4/12/2021 15:54 PM

As I understand it, when he is served with a Standing Pendente Lite Order (which applies to both of us), there is an injunction against harassment (among other things). Having been officially served, he can then be held in contempt or removed from the home if he violates it. This doesn't necessarily mean a Protective Order (which we want to avoid if possible because it would jeopardize his security clearance for his job), but would result in sole possession of the house until the divorce is final.

Tripletrouble posted 4/13/2021 20:16 PM

If he controls your cell phone account, pick up a Trac phone and program it with important numbers.
Good luck!

BraveSirRobin posted 4/13/2021 21:27 PM

Add a slide bolt inside your bedroom door, too.

AnnieOakley posted 4/14/2021 01:03 AM

What about your windows? Are they secure? Something as simple as a wooden dowel cut to the length or height of the window can impede it being opened. Of course that doesn’t stop it being broken.

Do you have a fire extinguisher in your bedroom?

Do you have mace or pepper spray? They have clip ones to just put on your pants at all times.

InPurgatory posted 4/14/2021 10:48 AM

Thank you for the suggestions.

I have a trac phone, but I also plan on changing the password to the phone account the night before so that he can't mess with my phone access.

It would be difficult to install a slide bolt on the bedroom door, but I think that even if I did, it wouldn't stop him any more than the key lock if he decided to kick the door in. I do have a security system keypad in the room with emergency panic buttons.

The windows are secure, but again, if he's determined to get in, he could just break them. The fire extinguisher isn't a bad idea. I have a small one in the kitchen that I could put in my closet.

I purchased a security camera, so I will get that set up this evening.

BraveSirRobin posted 4/14/2021 11:28 AM

Amazon has brackets that hold a 2x4 across the door. He's not going to kick that in, assuming the door is solid wood.

I'm glad you have a keypad, though.

Phoenix1 posted 4/14/2021 12:35 PM

Keep a can of wasp spray in your room. One of the best self-defense weapons easily available. It shoots 20 feet.

The1stWife posted 4/15/2021 14:26 PM

Is tomorrow the day he’s being served

InPurgatory posted 4/15/2021 14:43 PM

Phoenix1, Wasp spray would definitely work but I probably wouldn't have the presence of mind to use it. I would also worry about having something in the room that could potentially be turned on me as well.

The1stWife, Yes, tomorrow morning at 9. I need to be up early and out of the house before then.

The security camera is set up in my room and working. I have a few things to do late tonight, but I think I'm about as prepared as I'm going to be. I'm weirdly calm at the moment. Tomorrow will probably be a different story.

nekonamida posted 4/15/2021 21:58 PM

Good luck, IP. We'll be thinking if you.

Shockedmom posted 4/15/2021 22:23 PM

Good luck and stay safe. Please check in and let us know how you are during the day.

The1stWife posted 4/16/2021 06:42 AM

Sending positive vibes your way!

You know you are doing the right thing.

Anna123 posted 4/16/2021 08:20 AM

Just said a little prayer since it's about that time---