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What was sex like with your WS

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 Username123 (original poster Member #77150) posted at 9:36 AM on Saturday, April 10th, 2021

BSs,

What was sex like with your WS just before and during their affair ?

My WW tells me sex with me during her affair was the same as sex with me just before and during her affair. She says she was always very satisfied with our sex life including just before and during her affair. Is she most likely lying about her opinion of our sex life just before and during her affair?

[This message edited by Username123 at 3:36 AM, April 10th (Saturday)]

posts: 223   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2021
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OwningItNow ( Member #52288) posted at 9:42 AM on Saturday, April 10th, 2021

You need help with this issue. Are you in IC currently? This level of obsession (I have reason to believe it's years of obsessing) is indicative of a larger issue inside you that needs work. This ruminating and stuck-ness (unwillingness to do anything different about your situation, life, thoughts, or feelings) is something that needs fixing in you. Please get professional support to feel better.

me: BS/WS
h: WS/BS

Reject the rejector.
Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5263   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
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Karmafan ( Member #53810) posted at 12:57 PM on Saturday, April 10th, 2021

I think my own experience was that our sex life was mediocre at best when we were married but became incredible when we were trying to reconcile. But it was a form of hysterical bonding, nothing more.

I agree with OIN: how good or bad, or better or worse sex might have been before, during and after the A, is not the only, or even the greatest indicator of how well the reconciliation is going. And you can get stuck in mental loops comparing befores and afters, analysing every word and obsessing over that one aspect of your relationship.

What you should ask yourself instead is:

Are you communicating?

Does she seem truly remorseful?

Is she trying to make it up to you?

Is there any part of her behaviour that is giving you cause for concern?

Can you see yourself eventually forgiving her?

R is hard and multifaceted. I tried it and I wasn’t strong enough for it. But I truly admire people who are. I really hope for you that it works out and that you manage to forge a better and stronger relationship than ever before. I also hope that you are getting professional help (IC) as it is truly hard to go it alone. After reading your recent posts, I think you might be struggling

Me 47
XWH Irrelevant
D-day 23 Feb 16
3 amazing, resilient kids

You are not a drop in the Ocean, you are the entire Ocean in a drop

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Butforthegrace ( Member #63264) posted at 2:01 PM on Saturday, April 10th, 2021

Is she most likely lying about her opinion of our sex life just before and during her affair?

You've provided almost zero detail about your WW, her A, your marriage, how the A was discovered, etc. We have very little to base an inference from.

Affairs are motivated by a wide range of things, but I think that in most cases it boils down to the WW feeling dissatisfied in some aspect of her marriage. She perceives her emotional needs aren't being met (very common), or she feels a haunting sense of inadequacy or being neglected. Etc.

In many cases, we see BH's surprised about the relatively low level of physical attraction possessed by the AP. He was old/fat/out of shape, etc. The vector is clear: he was providing the positive reinforcement she craved, which led her to reward that with sex.

In your case, what we do know about the A doesn't fit that pattern. We often hear about WH's having sex with a younger, fitter, bustier woman. As men, we can understand the male attraction to that at a visceral level, even if most of us would not consider cheating on our wives just for some young, hot strange.

Your WW did that, however. She cheated on you for some young, hot strange. That's isn't a common occurrence here on SI. I think you have inferred that she did it because she found him sexually irresistible, which is reinforced by the fact that she had sex with him repeatedly and exhibited a high degree of sexual brio with him.

We don't have a lot of other detail of your thread to work with, but based solely on what you have told us, I think you're right. I think she found the AP to be a tasty piece of manmeat and she wanted sex with him more than she wanted to honor her wedding vows to you. She made that choice, on purpose, for that reason.

No matter what she tells you about your sex life with her, as long as you stay married to her, you'll have to live daily with the reality that she decided that sex with the AP was something she craved strongly enough that she was willing to end your marriage to get it.

Here is another way to state that logic. Every cheater must, fundamentally, cross that line. Make that initial decision of violate his/her wedding vows and betray his/her spouse. It's a big deal for most people.

In many cases of cheating, we learn that the cheater was driven be a sense of something akin to despair, a feeling that the marriage was broken.

I've not heard you say that your WW expressed any version of this to you. In fact, in this thread, she's telling you that everything in the marriage was fine.

So, logically then, what would be the force that motivated your WW to cross that line. The only conceivable force would be an overwhelming desire for sex with this Adonis, strong enough to justify betraying you.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 8:55 AM, April 10th (Saturday)]

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 2:57 PM on Saturday, April 10th, 2021

Is she most likely lying about her opinion of our sex life just before and during her affair?

Um ... are you really unaware of the fact that none of us can give you an accurate answer to your question?

None of us knows you or your W. My bet is that none of us has viewed sex between you. I know that none of us knows what your W really thinks.

And yet you ask us if she's lying. It's not even 'do you think she's lying?' It's 'Is she most likely lying...?'

What do you really want to know? What are you really asking?

And What are you doing in IC? Because your constant - though slowed down - stream of threads on this subject say you probably aren't talking about or doing the things you need to do.

You can answer your question. In any case, even if you can't, you have a lot more data than any of us does. My guess is that you DO know the answer but don't like it. My guess is she's telling you her truth, and you know it. But that's just a guess, and I wouldn't bet much that I'm right.

You seem to fear that you're sexually inadequate. That's your problem, and writing about your W seems unlikely to help you do anything but avoid solving the problem.

Maybe you are sexually inadequate. It's much more likely, however, that you're not. Even if you're inadequate now, you can probably improve your skills.

You need help with this issue. Are you in IC currently? This level of obsession (I have reason to believe it's years of obsessing) is indicative of a larger issue inside you that needs work. This ruminating and stuck-ness (unwillingness to do anything different about your situation, life, thoughts, or feelings) is something that needs fixing in you. Please get professional support to feel better.

Apologies to OIN - that last paragraph just quotes your post. I think they were more likely to be read if they weren't in a quote box.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

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cancuncrushed ( Member #28156) posted at 4:20 PM on Saturday, April 10th, 2021

I think you know. I think you struggle with this. We all do

Typically new sex is very exciting. There are fails. I don’t feel the fails would continue.

IMHO it would be hard to compete with new sex. New relationship. Different. That doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you. It’s different sex. Then there is the hyper bonding For me it was a desperate attempt to keep my husband. I was out of my mind. I was fighting to compete. It was repulsive to me

It’s common for sex to drop off. Seem indifferent or not interesting with a spouse during their affair. It’s one of the big clues they are cheating. Again. This had nothing to do with you or sex with you. They are distracted. This is their choice for whatever screwed up reason. This had nothing to do with you.

I struggled with this too. aP was 20 years younger. We had been married 25 years. How could I be anything to him after that affair? How could I feel anything for him after this affair.

I couldn’t I never felt the same. Our marriage was destroyed. Maybe the sex part makes this a deal breaker.

I stayed for years. Trying to heal. Repair. Move on. I was stuck. I ruminated for a very long time. It never improved. I was no longer attracted to him. My feelings started to matter. It was no longer important to me what he wanted. We divorced as he further self destructed.

Start focusing on what you want . Who you are attracted to or not. Your desires. Needs. Wants. You matter.

Cheaters lie. About big things. About little things. They want something to stay as is. Has she lied in the past? Cheaters are very hard to trust. Take what you need.

Acceptance took me a long while. Because I also had to accept my spouse was not who I thought he was. How could I be living and loving a stranger. A phoney? I couldn’t wrap my head around the shock of that. As it turns out. More stuff surfaced. More destruction. It wasn’t a one time oops. I had no choice but to see. And it had nothing to do with me. Finally got there.

I was married to a man with huge issues. It was his secret. I could no longer hope these issues would go away.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 10:37 AM, April 10th (Saturday)]

a trigger yesterday

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Tanner ( Member #72235) posted at 5:24 PM on Saturday, April 10th, 2021

You know your answer here, I knew things felt off in our sex life and continued to ignore all the red flags. I’m really pulling for you Brother and hope for great success in your healing. But, like others have said I’m not sure we can help you over this hump.

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54
WW 47
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown, twin boys 12 yo 2 grandkids

One day you will tell your story how you overcame what you are going through now, and it will become part of someone else’s survival guide.

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 Username123 (original poster Member #77150) posted at 2:16 AM on Sunday, April 11th, 2021

This was not a very helpful thread.

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HellFire ( Member #59305) posted at 2:35 AM on Sunday, April 11th, 2021

You've asked this same question, 20 different ways.

WE don't have the answer for you. Your wife does. She has told you. You can polygraph her,if you don't believe her.

Otherwise, there is nothing new you will find out, by asking the same question, over and over. What MY sex life was like before, and during the affair, doesn't mean it was the same for you, or any of the other members here.

Did your wife enjoy sex with him? She said she did. So, yes. Did she like it more than what she has with you? Ask her. Polygraph her answers..and at some point you either need to make peace with the fact that you will never know everything you want to know..or realize her affair was a deal breaker.

But, really. Interrogating people about the exact same thing, thread after thread, is never going to get you what you want. Never.

Are you in bed? Did she have organs with you? Does she now? Do you know how to please her? I assume you do, and she did, and does. Be confident in your love making. That is a huge part of the problem.

Look, nearly every BS has gone through what you are. All of us. You just need to accept what she says as the truth, or polygraph her and find the truth, and learn to deal with that truth. You need to accept it. Or realize you can't, and file.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:39 PM, April 10th (Saturday)]

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 Username123 (original poster Member #77150) posted at 2:38 AM on Sunday, April 11th, 2021

Polygraphs don't work on opinions or feelings.

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HellFire ( Member #59305) posted at 2:42 AM on Sunday, April 11th, 2021

Question..is your husband better in bed than OM?

Do you enjoy sex with your husband?

Did you prefer sex with OM?

All valid questions for a polygraph. I know. Because one of those questions was used in the polygraph my husband took. The admin was a retired FBI agent. I'm confident he knew what he was doing.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:42 PM, April 10th (Saturday)]

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GoldenR ( Member #54778) posted at 4:51 AM on Sunday, April 11th, 2021

This was not a very helpful thread.

When you ask the same question 105 times, people get tired of answering in depth bc you just make more of the same posts and ignore any real help people try to give you.

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 Username123 (original poster Member #77150) posted at 5:36 AM on Sunday, April 11th, 2021

Hellfire,

I talked to a company that does polygraphs primarily for infidelity and asked them if they could determine if my wife preferred sex with OM or me and they told me no because it is an opinion.

I already know she enjoyed sex with me and him.

Which question did you ask on your polygraph?

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1girlsmom ( Member #63541) posted at 6:48 AM on Sunday, April 11th, 2021

Username,

I thought sex with my WH was great before, during & after all 4 of my WH A.

I didn't know about any of them except the last one after he had been involved for over a year & found out about the other 3 14 months after 1st Dday so basically I was clueless.

I now know sex with me wasnt good for him all those years or he wouldn't have wanted sex with other females.

Sex with my WH now is non existant because it is all so painful, much like you I am guessing.

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id 8649602
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leafields ( Member #63517) posted at 6:50 AM on Sunday, April 11th, 2021

UN, you know the shit sandwich that's frequently referenced here? Your feelings on sex are part of that.

Are you willing to eat the shit sandwich you've been served, or is this something that you're not willing to accept?

Your WW wasn't thinking of you during her A - she was only thinking of herself. Doesn't matter what the AP looked like. He could have been super ugly with a 2" penis or super attractive with a 9" penis - or ugly with a 9" or gorgeous with a 2" penis. The issue is the same.

You've asked the same question multiple ways and have received close to the same answer.

Maybe it's time for you to take stock of what you really need for you.

[This message edited by leafields at 2:04 PM, April 11th (Sunday)]

Lea
Me: BW
Married 34 years, 3 DS
DDay #1: March 26, 2018, DDay #2 8/26/2019
Filed for D: 11/16/2020
D Final: 2/25/2021

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redbaron007 ( Member #50144) posted at 7:30 AM on Sunday, April 11th, 2021

My answer: I don't remember, and don't care to....You see, one of the (many) benefits of divorcing a cheater quickly, is that these feelings of sexual inadequacy and doubt vanish quickly as well. Out of sight, out of mind.

Me: BS (44)
She: WS (41)
One son (6)
DDay: May 2015 (OBS told me)
Divorced, Zero regrets, sound sleep, son doing great!
A FOG is just a weather phenomenon. An Affair Fog is a clever excuse invented by WS's to explain their continued bad behavior.

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Sceadugenga ( Member #74429) posted at 7:45 AM on Sunday, April 11th, 2021

This was not a very helpful thread.


I'll probably get a lot of flak for what I'm about to write, but here it is ...

The number, tone and focus of your threads suggests that you are a very insecure person and those insecurities may well extend beyond the sphere of sexual performance. Chances are you've been acting on them all your life, without even realising it. The problem with insecure people is that they are tiresome, they ultimately become a bore and a chore. No one likes being around those folks, there's no pleasure in being around them, much less being in a relationship with them. Granted, your friends and loved ones can help you handle your insecurities, but they won't handle them for you. It's your bloody job and yours only.

It's time you began to accept the fact that your relationship with your wife is over and may have been over long before the actual act of infidelity. Does it make her infidelity less treacherous and painful? Obviously not, she should have sat you down and clearly communicated: "Either you get your act together or I walk" or she should have walked before seeking a romantic/sexual relationsip with another man.

Another possibility is that your wife is one of those individuals who sniff out insecurities in their partners and exacerbate them to feel better about themselves (cue: nagging, criticising constantly, picking fights over trivial things). (ALERT: People with narcissistic adaptations have a propensity for it, often oblivious to what they're doing). In this scenario it may have been you who checked out of the relationship a long time ago and just kept going through the motions. If that's the case, it would have been your responsibility long ago to ask yourself the question "Do I really want to share my life with a person who inflates my insecurities?", it was your duty to yourself to sit your wife down and tell her the same thing: "You get your act together or I walk" ...

Either way, your response to your circumstances rests fairly and squarely on your shoulders. Yet, here you are asking a bunch of good-intentioned internet strangers to vicariously live your life for you. However, when confronted with advice you don't like or are unwilling to accept, you withdraw and vanish only to reappear with another thread and another question of the same ilk. Each new thread you start is not about eliciting useful advice but rather an invitation to a little validation party. Each title, each comment screams: "Please, come and tell me I'm the best lover in the world - You won't? - Well ..., you're not being very helpful". Mate, even your wife doesn't want to tell you this, and even if she does, you've made it amply clear you're not going to believe her. So ask yourself this: "What's the point of all that?"

BTW the above is an example of passive-aggressive behaviour a.k.a manipulation. If that's your default defence mechanism in other spheres of life, you'd better find yourself a good therapist, because your case is way above the average member's paygrade.

Takeaway: You don't and you won't have a satisfying relationship with your wife, but you can still fight to have a satisfying relationship with yourself.

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 Username123 (original poster Member #77150) posted at 9:55 AM on Sunday, April 11th, 2021

1girlsmom,

Sex with my wife is mostly painful due to my wife's affair. It is painful primarily because I have frequent invasive thoughts that tell me sex was better for my wife with her AP than with me.

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 Username123 (original poster Member #77150) posted at 10:01 AM on Sunday, April 11th, 2021

Sceadugenga,

You are a vile person who should be banned from SI.

[This message edited by Username123 at 4:03 AM, April 11th (Sunday)]

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BraveSirRobin ( Member #69242) posted at 1:39 PM on Sunday, April 11th, 2021

It's evident that you aren't here to make progress on yourself or your marriage. You're searching for some kind of catharsis by reading about traumatized people's sexual insecurities. I can't tell if it's a painful release like cutting, or a fetishistic release where you get off on it, but whatever it is, you've mined this community for all you're going to get.

It's one thing for members to painfully dissect our own sex lives in the belief that it will help you heal and move forward. We now know that isn't the case. You post to feed your dark, ruminative fantasies, and you get increasingly belligerent as fewer people agree to play ball. It's become invasive and inappropriate. We aren't your misery porn.

WW/BW 51 (Me)
BH/WH 51 (TimeSpiral)

posts: 2038   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
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