After taking last week off, we did another double session today. This one was a little more "groundworky" as the counselor laid out the cycle in which we need to be thinking rather than the cycles we typically use. She used my wife's "abandonment" issues as the example.
Apparently, a few months ago, I had come home, dropped off the groceries, then went on another couple of errands. In that time, I either told the kids where I was going or I didn't. Couldn't tell you one way or another. I generally tell them what I'm doing, but that day it may not have happened.
My wife gets home, doesn't see me there, asks the kids where I am, they say they don't know. About an hour later, she is headed out and I'm coming back from my errands. She makes the assumption that I was angry and avoiding her (not actually asking the question) and behaves accordingly.
The counselor steps in to acknowledge the abandonment feelings and then asks the question...did you ask Cap what he was doing?
No.
What did you do in response?
Made up my mind that if that's the way he wants to live, then so be it, I'll be by myself.
Do you think that you may have been wrong about his thoughts and why he wasn't at the house?
I don't know.
Let's explore this...
So, most of today's session was spent on retraining thought patterns. The entire purpose is to lay the groundwork for the big "discussion" coming in a few weeks. The counselor was quite straightforward to say that this week and then our next session in a couple of weeks will lead to having the discussion that we haven't yet truly had...how did the A affect Cap?
The counselor looked right at my wife and said "You have not wanted to hear this part, you have not been able to hear this part, but this is where it is leading. You need to sit here, listen to what effects all of this has had on your husband, and you need to FEEL what it has done. This isn't a punishment. This is for bringing you closer together. It HAS to be addressed. You cannot overlook this anymore. You have said that you want to heal this relationship, so this very hard piece is coming up. I will help you with correcting bad thought patterns. I will help you with whatever you need help with. But you have to face this."
A pretty interesting and, shall I even say, bold move for the MC to lay those cards on the table. She is direct and doesn't take any crap (from either of us, I will add.). Too many are the "touchy-feely" variety who wouldn't have said "we are going to do X...this is your notice." Did I mention that I like her?
In a similar vein, we also covered something from this week. My wife has an ear infection. Ultimately, I am the catalyst. She sleeps with earplugs because I snore. The earplugs have led to compacted earwax and viola, an infection.
So, on Sunday, my wife had asked me to look in her ear to see if I could see anything. She said that it was sore, like when you get a pimple on the inside. I looked and said that I could see a red spot, but couldn't see if it was a pimple or not.
Tuesday morning, my wife says that she didn't sleep well because she woke up at 2:00 and was dizzy. I said "well that sucks, were you able to go back to sleep?" She said "yes, around 4:00."
Apparently, yesterday, she went to the urgent care to find out that she has an ear infection. She dropped off her prescription in the early afternoon, then picked up the ear drops last night. When she went to get the drops she said "I'm going to the grocery store, be back in a little bit." I found that odd, but whatever. Didn't let my mind go down the "who is she meeting up with" rabbit hole. That's progress!
Anyway, she comes home and asks one of the kids to put the drops in her ears. Never does she say anything about going to the doctor, getting the prescription, none of it.
Today in the session, she brings it up as to how I wasn't demonstrating care for her. The counselor said "Did you say anything?"
No.
Then how would Cap know that something was wrong?
I asked him to look on Sunday, then said I was dizzy Tuesday morning.
And how was he supposed to know from that? Did you make any requests?
No.
How did you feel?
I wanted to tell him.
Did you?
No.
So how did you feel?
Abandoned.
So, let's look at this. You made a request for Cap to look at your ear, and then you made a statement about being dizzy. But you didn't tell him that you went to the doctor, nor did you tell him about the infection, nor did you tell him about the prescription.
That's right.
Why didn't you tell him?
I didn't want to bother him.
Wede you afraid that he would say the he couldn't take care of anything?
No, I knew he would take care of whatever I needed.
So you knew he would take care of you, but you didn't ask for anything, and then you felt abandoned.
Yes.
Do you see that you abandoned yourself?
Oh...
More and more things are being pointed out and addressed like never before. Yes, it does sometimes feel like I'm simply sitting in on her individual sessions (especially today...I think that in the 2 hours, I may have had 5 minutes of talk time; the rest was the counselor and Mrs. Cap).
I see progress, I see a plan, and I see changes actually taking place in behaviors.