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Looking back on my birthday

Justsomeguy posted 4/5/2021 16:17 PM

This started out as an update on my other dating/not dating thread, but screw it. It's my special day, so I'm starting a new thread. Plus, I'm trying to make it to 1000 posts. Almost there.

Well, it's my birthday and I am having a mini solo celebration between grocery shopping for the week and getting back to my side hustle job. Yes, my life is an adventure. Oh, oh, tell me, am I living my best life yet?

Currently, we are on Province wide restrictions, so we can only sit outside. Nice day for it.

Today I turn 54. And as I reflect back on my life, I try not to throw up in my mouth, just a little. Man, I did not picture myself here. A career professional who works orchard work on the side, plus small job renos, just to pay the bills. It used to be good with a wife and kids and house... Oh well. But I do what needs to be done.

On the bright side, we always seem to have just enough. Last month i had to dip into my tooth fund, broken molar that needs a crown, so I was quite disheartened. My goal is forward. Even if I have to measure it in inches, it's still progress. So when i broke my rule of never touch the savings, I felt pretty defeated. But the next week, i get a call from the orchard guy that he needs work, and he even hired my kids! So now they have a bit of pocket cash and i can begin topping things up. Just hope the tooth doesn't break...

And this is the kicker. As I was leaving the orchard, he gave me a beef tenderloin. I was floored, but it wasnt until I got home that my kids pointed out the price. It was more than half of what I spend on groceries for a week. Hell, I dont even walk by the beef cooler because I know I can't afford the hood stuff.

This gesture moved me to tears. I mean, my life has been shit for do long, I just assume that shit things will be the new normal.but I also feel tremendously guilty accepting charity, so I was spinning all afternoon. I ended up calling my friend who gave me shit for not receiving. It's just so hard to receive help or kindness when it seems I've had the weight of the world on my shoulders.

We had a good laugh talking about some of the shit we did to cope with a tight budget during our divorces. He was so broke, paying alimony, that he would hit up the food bank just to feed his kid and he, even though he taught university. I would be invited out with "the boys" and would eat before I left, so I could tell everyone I wasnt hungry and just nurse a beer. He's doing great now and is my "you can make it" go to guy.

So, just enough money seems to show up just when its needed. Go figure. Lillies if the field I guess. Thanks big guy.

So here I am, drinking the cheapest beer I can find in town and celebrating another go around the sun. Still not thrilled about life, but not hating it either. I'm learning to find peace in being alone and just enjoying my own company. Covid has certainly helped with that. The future scares me and I still shake pretty regularly. My panic attacks are fewer and I see myself as a victim no longer. So that's pretty good for year 3ish.

Now if the divorced could just be finalized so I can send the ex a Skank You card...

leafields posted 4/5/2021 17:42 PM

Happy birthday, JSG.

Good luck on hitting post 1,000.

BetrayedGamer posted 4/5/2021 17:56 PM

Happy Birthday!

One way to look at acts of kindness directed towards you, is to switch roles. If you were in a good place and you knew someone that was in a bad place, wouldn't you be giving (and want them to accept it)? In life we seem to take different roles in different time periods, take any kindness given to you and remember those times, so when you are doing good you can return the favor to someone else.

outofsorts posted 4/5/2021 20:51 PM

Happy Birthday JSG!

Enjoy the day and enjoy the kindness

JanaGreen posted 4/5/2021 22:14 PM

Happy birthday!

I know it's hard, but let people do nice things for you. When I was going through my divorce but it wasn't finalized yet, I mentioned to the owner of my company that it was my wedding anniversary. He ran out and got pizza for the whole office in "honor" of my anniversary. It sounds kinda mean but it was honestly hilarious at the time and it made me feel good. In a few years you can pay it forward. Buy someone else a big chonk o' meat. Or divorce anniversary pizza.

BearlyBreathing posted 4/5/2021 22:42 PM

Happy birthday! Every year is a gift - find the enjoyment!

Karmafan posted 4/6/2021 03:56 AM

Happy birthday Justsomeguy!

I always enjoy reading your posts and find them to be raw and authentic. I am sure your 1000th will be no exception

HalfTime2017 posted 4/6/2021 12:20 PM

HB-day JSG. You have your health and your kids. You have good friends and now a big ole beef tenderloin. Happy Bday to you.

Wish you luck in getting the D wrapped up. That ending will speed up your recovery. Its a big monkey and weight, and when its done, you'll advance multiple steps forward.

crazyblindsided posted 4/7/2021 00:54 AM

Happy Birthday Justsomeguy! I hear you on being alone, itís bittersweet. The peace is so healing though. Cheers!

Karmafan posted 5/8/2021 08:16 AM

Plus, I'm trying to make it to 1000 posts. Almost there.

How are you doing Justsomeguy? You have been very quiet. Hoping all is well with you.

The1stWife posted 5/8/2021 13:36 PM

Love the journey you are on. Keepiní it real.

Happy birthday to you!

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