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My fiance cheated on me with my sister and I can't handle it.

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4

sisoon posted 4/5/2021 11:14 AM

I'm writing again to emphasize Stevesn point: you need to drink water, and you need to eat something healthy. And you can go without food longer than you can go without water.

It's also very helpful to move your body. It seems comforting to roll up in a ball and cry, and there's time for that. There's also time between crying episodes - use it to take a walk, beat up on a pillow, just do something to get your heart rate up and blood flowing. Crying helps a lot, but so does movement. Use both.

lifestoshort posted 4/5/2021 11:26 AM

oh my gosh. I am so so sorry for you. Get into counseling asap and I would avoid both of them at all costs. you need to end the relationship. Love is not cheating or lying.
Love is not,grabbing your sister the second you leave. this is sick.

Hugs

The1stWife posted 4/5/2021 18:05 PM

Here is an observation.

I lost (more than I care to count) a number of friends and relatives on 9-11. Wives and husbands in my town became single parents. My friends lost their spouses. It was horrible.

Those that were suddenly single parents didn’t have time to lay around and feel sorry. They had to get up and show up every day for their children.

Laying around crying and not eating is not serving you well.

You need to eat and drink. You need to get up and out of bed. Exercise. Do something each day for you. Calla friend. Read a book. Watch a movie. Something you enjoy. You are prolonging your misery by remaining stuck.

It is hard. We’ve all been there. I found out about my H’s A. Ten days later he is leaving me for the OW. I had to get up every day and pretend everything’s fine in front of my children. I had no choice.

Get counseling. I am so sure it will help you. You are a smart girl. You will survive this. We all do. But the only one that can start the healing process is you.

You got this!!!!

Bonetired posted 4/5/2021 18:20 PM

I have to agree with those who say you have to get up .Eat well.Take care of yourself.My father taught me something valuable in life .His lessons were 'It is harder to get back up after you fall down.'The meaning behind this is you are going to have to force this.It won't just happen.Another one is 'It is harder to climb up the mountain'.Think about climbing that mountain and making it to the top.The incredible view and the sense of accomplishment.He had me out there with him from the time I was 12 running with him.His lessons were don't stop trying no matter what.He instilled in me a strength that would help me overcome many things in life.From poverty to infidelity to working 60 or more hours a week to get to the top of the mountain.I know you have it in you to get back up and climb that mountain.Now it is time to work against what you are feeling like doing verses what you should do.I work with people in rehab.They are pushed to get better and it's not easy.You will eventually need to do this.Right now I know the wound is too fresh Just know we are all here rooting for you.We are like you in the way we have all experienced infidelity from a loved one.One day at a time.Get back up and don't give up on yourself.Resiliency my dear.You have that.

[This message edited by Bonetired at 6:29 PM, April 5th (Monday)]

The1stWife posted 4/6/2021 06:00 AM

Maybe it’s just my way of thinking but I would never let the loser fiancé and poor excuse of a sister beat me.

My revenge would be to live my Best life. Starting now!

Kate777 posted 4/6/2021 08:12 AM

Hey Alexandra!

First I am so sorry about what happened and your pain

Well let me tell you what I did :

My dad and I had a dinner date, as we came back home a bit earlier.. We walked in, on my then fiance and my mother!
It came the obligatory :its not what it looks like, I mean come on.. There's not much misinterpreting left, he was laying on her!
But... And now there's a hugh but coming, THAT.. was the best thing ever happened to me.
Needles to say, my dad divorced my mother and I devorced my complete family.
What I've learned, my mother was a narcissist with sociopathic tendencies.
I never knew what that was, till one day I met an old lady at work and for that lady I am so utterly grateful, because she opened my eyes. I never knew what narcissism was, I thought that's just the way my mother was. It was "normal" for me! I didn't knew better. But after I found out, geez, I digged .. And I digged deep.
That wasn't funny, not at all! It's not nice to face your demons and the family's demons. All the decades of being brainwashed, emotional abuse and financial abuse. But I did!
And on the long run, I came out stronger, wiser and healed👍

The reason I tell you that, from what I understand, your sister looks ( at least too me) like a covert narcissist. Hence the validation seeking, the insecurities ect.
She is not a healed person( I don't say damaged, 'cos people are not cars) and wounded people unfortunately are not safe people, at least in my experience. So therefore I can only tell you this with my level of perception.

Cut the cord with her! This is a safe option for you. NC!! This is really important!
Eat well, drink a lot.. If you can't eat.. Try protein shakes. And breathe!
I know that sounds stupid, but to breathe with consciousness really calms down.
Pamper yourself, try to find fun in little things, go for a walk, fresh air!
I know these are hard times for you, but you will overcome it! I did and so do you!
There are better times coming!

The best thing on my own journey, I found myself😊
And this it's worth the journey!!


Alexandra95 posted 4/6/2021 15:43 PM

I have tried to eat, but I have absolutely no appetite. The last time I had a meal, I threw it all up.

I've drunk some water, but I don't know how to eat without feeling nauseous.

Jambomo posted 4/6/2021 16:20 PM

It’s so tough but you have to try to get something in your stomach. Can you try protein shakes? Something with some carbs is good, carbs are good for shock apparently.

asc1226 posted 4/6/2021 16:24 PM

Protein/meal replacement shakes or smoothies. Sip slowly, take an hour to get a quarter to a third of it down if you have to. A ginger supplement may help with the nausea.

Stevesn posted 4/6/2021 16:27 PM

Yes try a protein shake or something like it. Start small.

And make an appointment with your primary care physician. You need support through this.

PricklePatch posted 4/6/2021 23:02 PM

Alexandra,

If you cannot eat or drink, it is a health hazard. If you are not urinating, you need to go to the hospital. I was throwing up and unable to keep anything in, after my D day. I ended up in the emergency room with a pulmonary embolism. Basically a blood clot in my lung. I had to stay in the hospital without moving while they started a my blood thinner.

I am very sorry your going through this. We’re you able to get a counseling appointment. I hope you blocked both your sister and x fiancé from your phone, email and social media.

The1stWife posted 4/7/2021 05:18 AM

Thanks for checking in with us. We want to do everything we can to help you.

I remember the mo the of not being able to eat. I lost weight I could not afford to lose. My friends started noticing and asking me if I was ok or was I ill.

Sip a protein shake. Even if it takes you hours to finish it - make that your goal. Then a half a piece of toast. Two bites may be ok to start out. Increase it each day. Slowly.

We have all been through this. It will get better.

ZenMumWalking posted 4/7/2021 06:00 AM

((((Alexandra)))) <--- hugs to you

I'm so sorry that you find yourself here, keep in mind that NOTHING you did or didn't do or say caused this to happen.

As others have said, even if you can't eat a whole meal, try something small like a meal replacement drink. Drink water. Or pedialyte. It is not surprising that you are losing weight - it's the 'infidelity diet'. Most of us have been on it right after DDay (discovery day).

One thing that I found helpful was to go sit in a cemetery to cry. No one looks at you weirdly there. If anyone does say anything, you can just say you lost your fiancé. It's even true!

Stop reading your sister's self-serving emails. You can forgive her or not on your own time. Now is too early though. And it would be a cold day in hell before I would trust her again with ANYTHING.

I'm going to say something now that I hope does not hurt you, it is not meant to minimize your feelings in the least. It's meant to give you a different perspective on this crappy situation. See if you can absorb what a GIFT this POS fiancé has given you. This horrible event has happened before you were legally tied to him. Before you had more years and children and a mortgage tying you together.

I'm very proud that you stood up for yourself, showed him that you value yourself even if he doesn't. And I hope that your parents are not trying to pressure you to make up with your sister. It's good that you have a friend that you can stay with, you can stay out of the family situation.

So here's the drill (in this order): Cry cry cry, you won't be able to help it. Sleep when you can - this is most important, sleep deprivation is a go-to method of torture, and you will start to recover more quickly if you can get some rest. Drink water, as sisoon pointed out you can go without eating longer than you can go without drinking. Eat a little healthy food if you can or meal replacement drink or pedialyte if you can't, and if after some days you still can't keep anything down, perhaps try some anti-nausea medication. Get in a little movement/exercise. This comes last because it's difficult to move if you are tired, dehydrated and starved.

You are going to get through this, but it does take time.

Sending strength to you.

((((Alexandra))))

Bigger posted 4/7/2021 06:08 AM

The emphasis on getting energy into your body is so correct and important. I remember the first days of my betrayal and how eating was the furthest thing from my mind, but its SO important. Not necessarily the eating per se but the necessity of getting some fuel into your body. I want to offer you a couple of ideas/suggestions:
Try cutting some fruit into small pieces and select 2-3 pieces. If you can down that then go get 2-3 more pieces. Repeat as necessary.
Get a milk-shake, like a McDonalds milk-shake. Right now simply getting energy beats all health issues. Or eat a pint of your favorite ice-cream. Once again: energy beats health!
At your local drug-store or pharmacy you can find a wide range of sports-supplement shakes (generally protein drinks) in individual envelopes. Can mix these with water, soya, milk or your favorite fruit-juice. Don’t fill a big box, but rather pour into a cup and finish one at a time.
Same place generally offers nutrition drinks aimed at the invalid or elderly.
Drink some old-fashioned sugar-laden sodas if you can keep drink down. Once again its not ideal but getting energy into your body tops the health issues.

Right now I guess you think you are battling the world. Your whole existence has crumbled – your fiancé, your sister… I’m guessing you feel like you can’t get over it all. Well… you can, and you will. Only it will be one step at a time. It’s not as if you have to resolve your emotions regarding your fiancé and determine your future relationship with your sister in the next 48 hours. This is going to take TIME. A LONG time. The way you deal with this is one small step at a time. An ideal first step would be to focus on YOU. An ideal first victory would be to take one of the above ideas and 2-3 hours later realize you have some sustenance in your stomach. Small steps will get you to your destination!

Justsomeguy posted 4/7/2021 08:19 AM

Yup. The infidelity weight loss program... After my Dday#1, I didn't eat for a month with the exception of a few nuts every couple of days. Dropped 25 pounds in a month. When o did start eating, I started with broths and then soups, eventually making my way to salads. The best advice is go see your doc and get some help. You are on a very tough road. Dont walk it alone.

HouseOfPlane posted 4/7/2021 10:12 AM

A95,

Be a survivor. Take charge. It's hard, but it's worth it. Small, continual steps.

I read the book "Deep Survival" years ago, where it talked about how people survive catastrophes like plane crashes or getting lost in the desert, etc. Guess what? Getting hit with infidelity is just like that, where you find yourself instantly lost in an emotional landscape every bit as stressful as getting dropped into a jungle. So here's the 12 points from the book on how to win at surviving:

1. Perceive and Believe
Don’t fall into the deadly trap of denial or of immobilizing fear. Admit it: You’re really in trouble and you’re going to have to get yourself out.

2. Stay Calm – Use Your Anger
In the initial crisis, survivors are not ruled by fear; instead, they make use of it. Their fear often feels like (and turns into) anger, which motivates them and makes them feel sharper.

3. Think, Analyze, and Plan
Survivors quickly organize, set up routines, and institute discipline.

4. Take Correct, Decisive Action
Survivors are willing to take risks to save themselves and others. But they are simultaneously bold and cautious in what they will do.

5. Celebrate your success
Survivors take great joy from even their smallest successes. This helps keep motivation high and prevents a lethal plunge into hopelessness. It also provides relief from the unspeakable strain of a life-threatening situation.

6. Be a Rescuer, Not a Victim
Survivors are always doing what they do for someone else, even if that someone is thousands of miles away. There are numerous strategies for doing this.

7. Enjoy the Survival Journey
It may seem counterintuitive, but even in the worst circumstances, survivors find something to enjoy, some way to play and laugh.

8. See the Beauty
Survivors are attuned to the wonder of their world, especially in the face of mortal danger. The appreciation of beauty, the feeling of awe, opens the senses to the environment.

9. Believe That You Will Succeed
It is at this point, following what I call “the vision,” that the survivor’s will to live becomes firmly fixed.

10. Surrender
Yes you might die. In fact, you will die — we all do. But perhaps it doesn’t have to be today. Don’t let it worry you. Forget about rescue. Everything you need is inside you already.

11. Do Whatever Is Necessary
Survivors have a reason to live and are willing to bet everything on themselves. They have what psychologists call meta-knowledge: They know their abilities and do not over or underestimate them. They believe that anything is possible and act accordingly.

12. Never Give Up
Survivors are not easily discouraged by setbacks. They accept that the environment is constantly changing and know that they must adapt. When they fall, they pick themselves up and start the entire process over again, breaking it down into manageable bits.

SilverStar posted 4/7/2021 11:18 AM

Hello dear one, I am an infidelity survivor and also a natural disaster survivor. I'd rather live through a hurricane on fire with earthquake before infidelity ever ever ever again.

I have kids your age as well, so my heart goes out to you as a mom of young adults. My advice to them would be this:

1) Right now you are in a pit, but in 5 years, you will be so grateful you dodged these two bullets. Now you know your pretty sister has been jealous of you. And your ex-fiancé was unworthy. I don't know who made the first move, but the pass-receiver should have told the other to go eff themselves, and then immediately told you what happened. They are both filth.

2) It's really hard to eat and drink after a shock like this. You have to find a way. Do you want sweet or salty? Some of my favorite meals after DDay were rich ice cream blended with fresh peaches.You might prefer chicken broth with noodles. I also found I could eat if I were with a friend, but not by myself, so I made lunch and dinner dates and ordered the high-calorie, high-protein options.

3) Sip water all day long. Do. Not. Drink. Alcohol.

4) Tylenol helps the pain of a broken heart. Google it.

5) Get up and move. It's a pandemic but you can walk. Play empowering rock and roll by angry female rockers. Halestorm is one of my favorites. If gyms are open and you belong to one, go to kickboxing. Exercise increases endorphins, a natural feel-good hormone. It will also increase your appetite and make you breathe deeply.

6) Sleep deprivation can cause a biological depression. You are already at risk for situational depression. If you can't sleep, try over the counter sleep aids (unisom, melatonin) or call your doctor for a prescription. Do. Not. Drink. Alcohol.

The next six months are all about you. Your choices, your hobbies, your work, your passions. You can do anything. You can move to Hawaii or the mountains or the beach. You can take some lessons and volunteer helping others (strongly recommended). You get to pick the channel, the menu, the setting on the thermostat, and the color of the walls. Read. Work on you. Learn to be your best self and how to spot messy people. Put what you learn into practice.

In six months or so, you will thank God those two turds are out of your life. Only THE BEST for you.

The1stWife posted 4/10/2021 06:38 AM

Hey Alexandra95 how’s it going? We are here for you. 💕

Alexandra95 posted 4/13/2021 11:00 AM

Thanks for your support

I just want to say that I’m ok. I still haven’t been able to eat, but I have drunk smoothies and a lot of water recently.

I haven’t talked much with my sister. Most of my family have also turned their backs on her so far. Despite that, she’s still apologizing and trying to get me to forgive her.

I will probably forgive her in the future, but I will never be able to trust her again.

[This message edited by Alexandra95 at 11:30 AM, April 13th (Tuesday)]

src9043 posted 4/13/2021 12:41 PM

In a backhanded way your sister provided an important service in accidentally exposing the dog you would have married. He would have eventually cheated with someone else during your marriage. That being said, your sister deserves no immediate forgiveness, if ever. I suppose somewhere down the line you will have to "forgive" her for the sake of the family but I can't imagine you could ever be close to her ever again. Why would you? Please focus on your well-being. Go out and exercise. Take long walks with a friend to decompress. Spend as much time as possible away from the family home as long as your sister is also living there. Hang out with friends. I hope you are in IC right now. If not, do so. Don't allow other people's bad behavior to continue to hurt you. You have your entire life ahead of you. You will meet someone worthy with whom you can build a solid, loving future.

[This message edited by src9043 at 12:47 PM, April 13th (Tuesday)]

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