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The truth about “healing”

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Iamtrash posted 4/2/2021 13:23 PM

I need to know I didn’t deserve this. I deserved a lot. His anger. His hate. The loss of trust and much more. But did I deserve everything he’s done and said to me? Because I’ve been trying to convince myself for awhile now that I do.

HellFire posted 4/2/2021 13:33 PM

You and I have had our issues,right? Sweetheart, I am telling you, you did not deserve this kind of abuse and humiliation. Nope. Not one bit.

hikingout posted 4/2/2021 13:40 PM

IAT -

Noone deserves to be cheated on.
Noone deserves abuse.
Noone deserves to be sexually humiliated.

We are each responsible for our actions and how we respond to things. It's normal for a BS to be angry, yes. And, for some period of time there will be outbursts, but no what you are talking about is not normal.

I think if I can tell you one thing - stop thinking about what you deserve in terms of punishment. This is not helpful at all to you. In life, it means really very little. Really bad and shitty things happen to good people, really good things happen to bad people.

Instead, think about in terms of what you want and how you want your life to look. We are not defined by the worst thing we ever have done. Not even Hallmack is. Who he has become in all his anger, you still see redeemable qualities in him or you wouldn't have tried all this time, right? And, if later he gets a grip on his anger and you are coparenting with him, you will eventually probably come to some peace and forgiveness for some of this. Because, life evolves and changes.

I did not deserve for my husband to go out and have an 18 month affair that he mostly conducted in my house. I might have deserved a divorce, I did deserve his disappointment and anger. I would not have deserved to be hit, held down, or asked to beg him for sex. I am putting it to you like that because we can often look at other people and give them so much more grace than ourselves.

Something else that helped me - talk to yourself like you would your best friend. If your best friend or sister was in this situation, what would you tell them?

You need to get to a point where you won't need us to tell you what you deserve. I know you are feeling overwhelmed, terrified, upset, angry, sad, depressed, hopeless. But, it can get better and you do have the power to make it so. Hallmack also has the power to make it so for himself, he is choosing not to do that. He is choosing to focus on punishing you because he doesn't know what to do with those big feelings. I think you can see that about Hallmack, but you can't see it about yourself.

Give yourself some grace. Be there for yourself. You can only control you in this situation. And, you need to get that together because you are the mama bear and you have 3 little ones who are experiencing their own trauma right now. Be brave for them, you CAN do this. You CAN.

humantrampoline posted 4/2/2021 13:46 PM

IAm,

NO! You do not deserve the treatment you have received. Please do not try do convince yourself that you do.

Unfortunately, we do not all get what we deserve in life. That's just how it works. Do your best to create a better life for you and your children.

I'm sorry. I wish I knew what else to say.

LifeDestroyer posted 4/2/2021 13:59 PM

No, you didn't deserve how he treated you. Having an affair does not mean that you deserve to be physically, mentally, verbally, or emotionally abused. You know that you know that. We may feel that we deserve a lot because of what we did, but no one deserves that. You deserve to be a great mom to your kids. They deserve to feel safe and loved. You CAN give them that, and I know you will.

BluerThanBlue posted 4/2/2021 14:59 PM

Whenever you get confused about what you do and don’t deserve, ask yourself this:

“Do my kids deserve this?”

They didn’t cheat or lie to him ever. So why do they deserve to be screamed at, hear their parents having explosive arguments, be afraid for themselves or for their mother, or be afraid of their dad?

As for what goes on between you two behind closed doors, it still impacts your kids because it obviously fucks with your head and your emotions to the point where it inevitably impacts your interactions with them.

Sadismynewname posted 4/2/2021 15:08 PM

You have no clue how your choices have made the consequences. Period

forgettableDad posted 4/2/2021 16:36 PM

Contrary to a popular misconception - being a victim of abuse does not confer magical powers over others. All it makes is a person in pain. And unless that pain is dealt with correctly, more likely than not the victim will become an abuser as well.

Your husband didn't deserve you cheating on him. You didn't deserve him abusing you back.

I hope you find a healthy distance from him and your way in the world as the person you want to be.

ChamomileTea posted 4/2/2021 17:43 PM

The truth about healing is that it requires people to develop and maintain boundaries. Note that I said "people". Both WS and BS actually have to learn what appropriate boundaries are and learn to live within them.

You had a really long post and I don't want to go through it line by line, so let's just take one example:

Last night was the icing on the cake. He’s still sleeping with me. And I’m stupid enough to let him. We got high together. (If you can’t beat them, join them.) He’s made it clear that it’s just sex. No feelings involved. And sure, why not let myself be used and hurt. Last night he gave me a complete mind fuck. Wanted me to beg him for sex. I played along.

So, if everything you said before that point is accurate, WHY is he still sleeping with you? Why are you getting high with him? And why did you decide to "play along" when you could obviously see that the "game" was demeaning? What did you think would be accomplished with that? that he would feel better afterward? Or did you maybe think he'd feel guilty afterward and start being nicer to you?

I'm not trying to be unkind here. I'm hoping you can begin to see how your own indecision and lack of appropriate boundaries add to the drama. For the past few weeks, you've gone back and forth on the subject of Hallmack. Today, you're calling him a "monster" but just last week warning posters not to say anything negative about him. You post that you're ready for a peaceful divorce so the two of you can start doing right by your children, but now here we are... with new drama just last night.

There comes a point where people need to DECIDE where they're going to plant their feet and then take ownership of that decision. To my view, you've BOTH been abusive in this relationship, neither has accomplished much toward healing, and reconciliation has clearly failed. In your "How" thread, you asked how to survive? But is that really the goal or do you both want to live???

In any event, my answer would be the same... ACCEPT that there has been too much damage in this relationship to overcome, wish each other well, and move on with your lives as cooperative but separate parents to your children. That puts a stop to indecision. Then, build some boundaries around your choice. Make it EASY for Hallmack to restart his life by giving him as much cooperation as possible in terms of settlement and divorce. INSERT BOUNDARIES regarding intimate contact and verbal communications. Do your business together by email and through parenting apps. BE PLEASANT. BE ACCOMMODATING to scheduling needs, but don't put yourself in any more situations which have the potential to degrade into any kind of emotionalism.

What happened to Hallmack wasn't his fault. If your account is accurate though, how he's handled it has been abusive. He's not here to defend himself, but I do remember him taking responsibility for the d/v incident, so we know at least that much for sure. You have also admitted to abusive behavior toward him. But two wrongs don't make a right. This isn't a game where you can be "even". It's real life and you two have real children involved. It's time to make a real decision, stick with it, and build some boundaries around it. It's no wonder that neither of you have accomplished any healing. Boundaries are the opening ante on that, not only regarding the other guy's behavior, but on what you demand from yourself.

Let him go. Don't just wish him peace, provide it to him by making his transition as easy as possible. YOU started this with your decision to cheat, and no matter how much you might wish you could take it back, you can't. Sometimes, cheating is just a deal-breaker and when that's the case, there's nothing left to fix. Hallmack will heal in time. So will you, and so will the children. Two peaceful homes are infinitely better than one dysfunctional home. You both did what you could with the tools you had on hand, but sometimes the timing is just wrong. I'm typically very pro-R when possible, so I don't say this lightly, but sometimes, it takes moving on to get to a place where you can finally obtain better relational tools. It won't save this marriage, but it will put you BOTH in a better position to be successful in the future.

prissy4lyfe posted 4/2/2021 17:55 PM

IAT....

Two broken people tried to fix a broken relationship with broken tools.

You didn't deserve to be abused. PERIOD.
He didn't deserve to be abused. PERIOD.

You both deserve to have peace.
Your babies deserve peace. And sweetie....

YOU have to know within yourself that you didn't deserve this. That's where you start doing the work.

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 6:07 PM, April 2nd (Friday)]

Iamtrash posted 4/2/2021 18:41 PM

I wish I could fast forward to a year from now. While I hate to wish time away, I want this nightmare I created to be over. I want us to stop hurting.

ChamomileTea posted 4/3/2021 14:18 PM

No one gets a time machine. I know that's the number one item on every SI'ers wish list, but it's never going to materialize. So, if you want the nightmare to resolve, you're going to have to take action.

You've said that Hallmack is welcome at his mother's. What does he need to make that happen? Can you forego a few months of child support while he saves money for a place of his own? If your do need child support, what can you get by with? Can he do visitation with the children from his mother's home? Can you store his belongings while he's in transition? What can you do to help get him settled there without backing down on the fact that he needs to go? And when he does get settled at some point down the road, what's his guarantee that you'll allow him more time with the children when that happens? Can you put it in writing and get it notarized?

Here's the thing... he's trapped. You don't see it because you don't want to see yourself as a "trap". Who would? But the path to an easier transition is to see it from Hallmack's POV and then disarm all the bombs he's afraid will go off. And you don't do that because you think it will heal your marriage later on down the pike. You do it to let him go. In time, he'll meet someone else, and maybe she'll be really nice, not only to him but to your kids as well. Hopefully, he knows enough by now to only accept a future partner who can take care of herself and who won't present him with a financial burden. So at that point, he'll have a partner to share expenses with and his quality of life will rise which will in turn benefit the children. This is something you can encourage rather than fight against. In time, you will move on as well, and finding a good partner who is kind to your children and who can take care of himself financially might benefit YOUR quality of life as well.

For right now though, you can look for all the bombs he's afraid might go off and disarm them one by one. Most men are desperately afraid of losing their kids and everything they've worked for in life when confronted with divorce. But the only thing which is beyond resolution in most states is the manner in which child support is calculated. If that's a problem, you can put off the actual divorce until Hallmack is on his feet. Meanwhile, be as cooperative as possible regarding child visitation, but have BOUNDARIES regarding contact with you. IOW, he can visit at mom's or when you're away from the home, but not together with you. Your enmeshment needs to be broken, and you can't do that if you're playing "happy family" on a part time basis. He needs to learn to treat you as a business contact and you show him how by doing the same.

Anyway, the point is that this problem isn't going to just resolve itself. You can allow a year to pass, but if you're doing the same thing, you'll still be in the same place this time next year. You say he's become a "monster". But obviously, he wasn't always a monster otherwise you wouldn't have married him and you wouldn't have fought to keep the marriage after DDay. So, if he's acting like a monster, it's because he's trapped and irrational with it. Let him go. Help him go. And not as a means to an end, but because it's the best thing for him.

siracha posted 4/3/2021 16:44 PM

If someone physically assaults you then you need to call the police . Also if you physically assault someone they get to call the police on you .
If your Bs invites you to degrade yourself for their sexual pleasure you dont get to call the police on that because YOU need to act like a healthy person and simply decline participation. If you decide otherwise then its all on you .
Your BS is certainly behaving terribly but your own behavior towards yourself is even worse . You said your AP is a sick person your exhusband is an ex monster , this is probably not a coincidence .
Please wake up start thinking about how you can provide a good life for your kids . Your ex husband only has one role left in your life - to provide money and hopefully love to them . Let him do that and thank him for that . The more you misbehave with him now the more likely it is that your kids will end up on the street or in foster care .
Im sorry but you are not the biggest victim here . Your kids are You have already ruined the best chance they had at a good childhood . The next time you end up having low impulse control sex with a sick man your kids could end up being his victims too.

[This message edited by siracha at 10:04 PM, April 3rd (Saturday)]

Neanderthal posted 4/3/2021 22:06 PM

You have already ruined the best chance they had at a good childhood .
Please don't listen to this. Please please don't listen to this. You have enough to torment you. Do not internalize this. Nothing, I mean absolutely nothing positive can come from saying this to a person. If you couldn't tell, this hits personally to me. When I heard those types of comments from members, I wanted to die. I considered many many different methods to leave my child. After all, I was ruining her right? You see a broken person with terrible coping skills suffering through some of the hardest shit a person can experience, and decide to lob the you ruined there childhood grenade at her feet? Honestly, is there anything worse you could say to a parent? SI, WE CAN DO BETTER!

IAT,
I'm sorry for everything you and HM are going through. You're important to your children. Please take care of yourself, so you can continue to love them.

siracha posted 4/3/2021 23:10 PM

Ofcourse the kids could have had a better life if Op made better decisions. Noones saying their lives would be better if she stopped being in it , that seems like an unreasonable extrapolation of my post.
NDT you think this is too harsh and therefore unhelpful . Ok, well i dont . I think normalizing awful parenting is whats unhelpful. Noone should think their habit of bringing sick men into their children's lives has no consequences .
There is no stop sign here , if the op wants more curated feedback she can add a stop sign .

[This message edited by siracha at 11:10 PM, April 3rd (Saturday)]

Lostgirl410 posted 4/4/2021 10:02 AM

You have already ruined the best chance they had at a good childhood .

Please don't listen to this. Please please don't listen to this. You have enough to torment you. Do not internalize this. Nothing, I mean absolutely nothing positive can come from saying this to a person.

Agreed. While maybe well intended, listening to statements such as these in your current mindframe will only serve to further your spiral into self shame. I believe you want more than anything to be the parent your children deserve, and to give them the best childhood from this point further.

Acknowledging your kids deserve better, taking action to give them better, and sticking to it is how you will get there. You can get there, and you can be a parent your kids rightfully will be able to be proud of having as their mom.

siracha posted 4/4/2021 11:39 AM

Entirely agree that avoiding the shame spiral while still taking responsibility is the best way forward.

Poppy704 posted 4/4/2021 15:09 PM

You are a worthy human being and a good mom. There is no excuse for his abuse. Be safe.

WalkingHome posted 4/6/2021 14:24 PM

There are a whole bunch of people in this world that just aren't built to be married, parents, and so on. Most don't figure this out until after they are.


The first big step is to take a hard look at who you are and what makes you tick. That something hasn't worked so well to date...accept that truth as true and stop being something you aren't...IE married, a faithful wife, and so on. Accept that reality as real and live as who you actually are without hurting anyone.

Learning who we truly are is something that often comes after we fail hard and destroy the lives around us. Shame, as it is something we need to know before we do that.

Don't have to learn it twice...

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