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How was the affair discovered?

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hikingout posted 3/30/2021 13:03 PM

This post is triggery as F for me. Full warning.

I confessed my two month affair to my husband, about 2 months after it ended. I delayed it long enough to get in IC, not understanding how I got from Point A to Point B and wanting to get my head together. But, even at my foggiest, I completely understood that to regain my own integrity I needed to confess. It wasn't contingent on whether or not the marriage would continue. In fact, I knew if it would continue that the best possible chance I could give it would be to confess.

I stand by that decision today. To save a marriage you have to be willing to lose it.

I say this because you need to abandon all your fear based responses, including the ones as the BS.

Without having proper accountability and the restoration of your integrity, you are going to continue to struggle, and will likely continue to escalate this behavior until you finally find your exit. This is going to wreak havoc on your sense of self, and until you do the work you will continue to struggle in relationships.

I find that *some* of the same work has to happen whether you are a BS or a WS. A lot of it is finding your worth and self love after infidelity. So far, you have only looked for that under rocks, and you are damaging yourself in the process. You are prolonging healing by distracting yourself. That is WS 101.

Now, for the other shoe -

My husband went on and had an affair for 18 months. I suspect that he felt just as vindicated as you in doing what he wanted without telling. I found out by intercepting some suspicious texts where the AP was talking kind of in code. I am not a dumbass, where there is a code there is a reason to have code.

I am not condemning you, but it's important you recognize that NO - it doesn't really always have an impact on how you find out. I read something like 90 or 95% of affairs are discovered by the BS through finding out on their own or from someone else. It's not an indicator of success.

I will say that TT and multiple DDAYs DO have an impact, and can definitely erase progress. But, I find what you are doing by distracting yourself with others is not time well spent towards healing. The goal is to love yourself so much that you will institute your own boundaries and make healthy choices for yourself. What the WS is doing or not doing is not indicative of whether or not you can heal or not.

I will say, that my husband probably started out the same way as you, and it esculated. To me the only difference between a short term or a long term affair is when someone gets caught. So, it's worth noting that I do think you did a strong thing in ending it without being caught, but I think you need to take some accountability for yourself. You are a WS who needs to overcome some of these poor coping patterns you have. The avoidant nature you are demonstrating.

Your husband said what he said about doing what you need to do to even the score because he hoped you would. He wants you to even the score because that takes the heat off of him. It doesn't even the score, it creates more damage, which says he really has no clue.

I think you need to be asking yourself different questions rather than looking at what you can point at that is keeping you from healing. It's not this.

When was your second dday? Was it broken contact or TT?

sisoon posted 3/30/2021 13:05 PM

Your H cheated and then he became physically abusive?

Why are you even considering R? What makes you think any abuse is OK? What makes you think your H will stop abusing you if you ask questions you want to ask? What makes you want to stifle yourself in your M?

I don't care what you have done. Nothing you have done makes you deserve to be abused.

Your H sounds like an awful bet for a positive long-term partnership. Your A was wrong, but that doesn't mean you have to stay within reach of an abuser.

hikingout posted 3/30/2021 13:11 PM

Okay, I missed the physical abuse part. I responded to your original post.

I think my post pretty much still stands, other than I would probably encourage you to leave. Not remorseful, abusive, I am not sure what you are finding to work with here. You will get braver and braver until you monkey branch your way into a different relationship. That's a horrible thing to do to yourself. You will end up attracting someone worse out of your fear and desperation. Stand on your own and get healthy first.

This0is0Fine posted 3/30/2021 13:15 PM

You need to end your M.

You feel unsafe, and you are cheating as part of some sort of power play.

Your careful and lawyerly wording of "I am not in contact with my AP" shows that you have not established permanent full NC with the AP. Much like "I am not eating food" is factually true right now, but certainly won't be at lunch.

So there you have it. You feel it is unsafe to reveal and that you are in an unsafe place. Get out. This trumps honesty and transparency in my opinion. Safety first, then honesty.

Poppy704 posted 3/30/2021 13:37 PM

I believe the timeline is he became violent after she disclosed her first extramarital dates. That does not excuse anything of course. Violence is never acceptable. Though it is suspicious that we are only hearing abuse abuse after pushing for her to deal with her own affairs.

Bottom line is, this is not a situation that is safe for anyone or an environment in which reconciliation can begin.

HellFire posted 3/30/2021 13:54 PM

Though it is suspicious that we are only hearing abuse abuse after pushing for her to deal with her own affairs.


BluerThanBlue posted 3/30/2021 15:54 PM

Mickie, previously you said that your affair was completely "virtual"... phone calls and sexting...

I am not sure if the AP would be vengeful- I was trying to break it off gently the first time before because I wasnít sure if heíd reach out to my husband. NC can be scary if you lose control of the APís mind state which is why I went there with a person who lived out of state. My husband and the AP would probably have an altercation.

Does this mean that you were seeing your AP in person? If not, why would you need to break up in person? Does this also mean that someone else (whoever you went to see the AP with) also knows about the affair?

I also think your wording here about "losing control of the AP's mind set" is revelatory. First, it implies that you were (or were attempting) to exert control over this person. Second, it demonstrates naivety on your part that you honestly think you can control how another person thinks about or reacts to any given situation.

I don't think that you're being completely honest or forthcoming about your situation. It's your decision, of course, about what you're willing to share with us but you're not going to get the most actionable or applicable advice without providing the fullest picture possible.

Wiseoldfool posted 3/30/2021 16:03 PM


OP wants to make sure she doesnít get caught because she has decided not to confess. Multiple rationalizations ensue.

Mickie500 posted 3/30/2021 19:21 PM

I shared about the coffee dates here in SI and disclosed it to my husband as well.

Also itís because you all are telling me to leave my husband who had never abused me before his affair is the reason why I didnít share.

He never did this before. In many ways heís working and has worked on his part in reconciliation. He just gets upset when my questioning goes to me seeing him as a horrible person not worth forgiving.

I started to feel like I should stop asking questions and digging. I forget the term used when a BS keeps asking and digging when the only thing left to be revealed is pain.

Iím not sure what to do. Thanks everyone.

Tanner posted 3/30/2021 19:32 PM

I will chime in and say that the part that did the most damage was the TT. I had one little piece of information that I didnít understand or know the meaning of. After 180 I said there is more you arenít telling me, she would confess something unrelated, and I would say there is more, again more stuff I didnít know. Finally I said Iím headed to a lawyer and I finally got the missing pieces.

If you wish to R you need to lay it all out, I know you get that.

BluerThanBlue posted 3/30/2021 19:37 PM

Mickie, you will continue to be confused about what to do and frustrated by the advice you get so long as you continue to hide details or selectively share them based on whatever response youíre trying to elicit on a given day.

Mickie500 posted 3/30/2021 19:43 PM

Iím sorry this post is triggery. I have learned the most from your journey here.

BraveSirRobin posted 3/30/2021 21:19 PM

Does this mean that you were seeing your AP in person? If not, why would you need to break up in person? Does this also mean that someone else (whoever you went to see the AP with) also knows about the affair?
I was reading "went there" metaphorically, as in "don't go there." IIRC, Mickie chose a long distance AP because she figured it would make it less likely that she would take it physical.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 10:05 PM, March 30th (Tuesday)]

This0is0Fine posted 3/30/2021 21:22 PM

The same as many people that have not been cheated on before, we don't expect people to stick around and be continuously abused and live in a situation that is simply unsafe.

thatbpguy posted 3/31/2021 17:29 PM

After further reflection, I didnít feel comfortable with my post at this time.
I really do hope you are doing well Mickie.


sisoon posted 4/1/2021 10:01 AM

I believe the timeline is he became violent after she disclosed her first extramarital dates.
That's my understanding, too.

But my reading of mickie's posts is that her H cheated before she did and kept his A secret. Then he learned of mickie's A. Then he got violent. I think that's a real problem.

The fact that mickie is hiding possibly critical info from her H is also very troubling. If one can't be honest in one's M, I don't understand how the M can keep going.

StillLivin posted 4/6/2021 01:22 AM

Am I understanding correctly, your WS had a full blown affair, and you went on coffee dates, but HE became physically abusive after you admitted to the coffee dates? Not excusing you meeting up romantically with anyone, 5hat was still wrong.
If I'm wrong, then ignore my advice.
You are in a marriage where you don't feel physically safe or emotionally safe. You're in a marriage where you wanted to actively cheat as a comeuppance to your cheating spouse. This all sounds toxic. When someone pushes your buttons to the point where you chose to lose YOUR integrity, it's time to call it quits. When your in a relationship where your spouse is physically abusive, it's time to call the cops, have his ass tossed in jail, and call it a wrap on the marriage.
I don't care if he never touched you for 23 years (like my ex), you have to set a boundary for your own safety. My ex never touched me...until he did. I'll be damned if i'll ever live in fear or walk on eggshells in my own house. FTN! A person should feel safe to ask anything they want or openly communicate without being afraid. If you are, you don't belong in that toxicity.

HellFire posted 4/6/2021 08:23 AM

Do you love your husband?

Evertrying posted 4/6/2021 14:05 PM

I busted my husband after getting suspicious about his phone attachment. I pulled the call log and confronted him. He confessed to everything.

And no. It had no bearing on my choice to R and when. I proceeded in my own time and my own terms. We then worked together to heal the marriage.

BUT, I am sorry Mickie, there is NO EXCUSE for abuse. Period. End of story. I don't care if you fucked a million guys, physical abuse should be a deal breaker for you. If you are afraid of him or any of his actions, you shouldn't stay. My husband has never laid a hand on me. EVER. There is NEVER a reason for anyone to physically put their hands on you to inflict pain. It doesn't matter that your husband wasn't that way before your affair. HE'S THAT WAY NOW.

HellFire posted 4/6/2021 14:21 PM

You were Hell bent on making sure he didn't have one over on you. You refused to be in a marriage where the scales were so uneven.

But you will let him get away with abusing you?

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