"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Mickie500 posted 3/29/2021 09:51 AM

How did you discover your partner’s affair and does it play into your decision to reconcile?

HellFire posted 3/29/2021 10:13 AM

The cynical side of me is wondering if you are asking this, because you have continued your affair, and you are looking for any loose ends to tie up,so you don't get caught.

Or, you've finally ended it, and you are asking because your husband doesn't know, and you are wondering if confessing is best,or if you should just stay quiet,and hope he never finds out

[This message edited by HellFire at 10:14 AM, March 29th (Monday)]

thrown71 posted 3/29/2021 10:13 AM

I found out an hour after he adamantly told me another woman was not involved. When I found the evidence (messages on Facebook messenger) I told him to leave and that I wanted a divorce. I was not planning on reconciling at that point. He went NC with OW immediately and wore me down to give him another chance. He lived in another apartment and convinced me to try to reconcile. I gave in (guilt from him).
Now its 8 months later (from when he moved back in) and 15 months since DD and I don't want to be with him anymore, and he is still trying to guilt me in staying in the marriage.
So would it have been easier or changed my mind if he admitted? Probably not, it was still an affair. The additional lie that he didn't confess when I asked, just showed me how deceptive he can be.

Underserving posted 3/29/2021 10:13 AM

After further reflection, I didn’t feel comfortable with my post at this time.

I really do hope you are doing well Mickie.

[This message edited by Underserving at 10:58 AM, March 29th (Monday)]

Poppy704 posted 3/29/2021 10:21 AM

Ditto Hellfire’s response. Before your hiatus you were actively cheating/lying/hiding. This comes across as very icky.

HopefulTelephone posted 3/29/2021 10:42 AM

She told me a few years after we had already divorced, sort of a "You deserve to know," kind of thing. It didn't really bug me to be honest. Looking back on our relationship, we never should have gotten married, gotten engaged, or even lasted longer than just a month or two. Funny thing is, I knew that at the time as well, I just didn't have it in me to buck the flow and break up due to FOO issues. Neither one of us were ready for a long term relationship, much less marriage, for exactly opposite reasons.

Mickie500 posted 3/29/2021 10:59 AM

Yes- I am a MH. Does that mean you cannot share your experiences?

Wiseoldfool posted 3/29/2021 11:16 AM

Edited to delete my story because I’m convinced this thread was not commenced in good faith.

Underserving posted 3/29/2021 11:24 AM

To be very frank, I’m not up to date on your story, and had honestly forgotten you were a MH. I didn’t want it to sound like there are benefits to keeping an A a secret from your spouse years after it’s over. Especially in replying to a WS who may not have disclosed yet. It’s nothing personal. I’ve honestly wondered about you, and hoped you would come back. Glad to see you are here.

Poppy704 posted 3/29/2021 11:37 AM

Mickie: can you please update us on where your affair stands?

sisoon posted 3/29/2021 11:43 AM

I asked. My W answered honestly for a change. The honesty was a very important [art of my decision to R.

Are you still in your A?

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:43 AM, March 29th (Monday)]

Tentwinkletoes posted 3/29/2021 11:43 AM

We were arguing more. His doing and distancing to help his guilt. He suggested in a fight would it be better if there was someone else I thought it was beyond ridiculous and laughed I saw his face drop and I didn't process it at the time I think it was the first recognition it wasn't going to play out how he imagined.

I sent a message couple of days later saying I couldn't drop what he said and if he had anything to tell me.

It all came out in texts. He probably did minimise on a few things but pretty much I had it all.

If he hadn't come clean himself on that asking and hadn't shown signs of cracking (he wanted it over with this is why he suggested it and was pushing me away) then there would have been absolutely nothing of value to work with for me. Infact for the first few weeks it was over regardless and he back peddled alot to try and fix it. I'd say any other discovery wouldve cemented D for me.

Neanderthal posted 3/29/2021 11:43 AM

I discovered her affair through phone records. I ignored many many red flags for months. I was actively keeping my head in the sand. The way she reacted to a comment I made about her and her AP (before I knew), finally made me start digging.

How I discovered did not play into my decision to NOT reconcile and eventual divorce. The lies, TT, omission, self protection after dday played a HUGE role in my decision to divorce.

I truly hope you two can come to a place where honesty is paramount. Maybe you already have.

Mickie500 posted 3/29/2021 14:49 PM

I am not in contact with my AP.

Poppy704 posted 3/29/2021 15:00 PM

If you husband doesn’t know, you are not anywhere near reconciliation. You need to disclose. It has been months.

Darkness Falls posted 3/29/2021 15:06 PM

My H discovered my affair through phone records. He had been suspicious because of how much I was texting.

Being caught rather than confessing had some bearing on his decision to divorce rather than reconcile because it was evidence that I was comfortable with both ongoing deceit (the affair lasted for 5 1/2 months) and keeping that deceit to myself. However, he would have decided to divorce regardless of whether or not I had confessed, as adultery was a dealbreaker for him, but I believe that had I confessed as opposed to being caught, he might have had more respect for me and also felt that I cared about him as opposed to being convinced that my actions were those of hatred and contempt for him.

Wiseoldfool posted 3/29/2021 15:12 PM

If you husband doesn’t know, you are not anywhere near reconciliation. You need to disclose. It has been months.

Hellfire and Poppy are right.
In light of their questions and your answers, this thread has a very manipulative feel. You are not in reconciliation if your husband does not know of your affair.
Now, to be direct in answering your question, in spite of my misgivings, my wife’s confession under questioning years after it had ended was probably better than had I discovered it at the time, but only because she had become the wife I wanted and needed in the interim. However, she did enormous damage to her work because at the same time I discovered the affair I discovered that she was still lying to me by omission. I am resentful that my wife let me fall back in love with her after she treated me like shit during her affair even though I was unaware of the affair when she knew what she had done, she knew that if I knew I likely would have left her, and she led me into a second, albeit “better” phase of her own deceit. In phase one, she had an affair and denied it. In phase two, she quit the affair but continued to conceal it. So I am in the untenable position of having fallen back in love with a woman who lied to me for a decade, and there is no getting around the discomfort - to say the least - and the resentment that goes with that. She denied me the right to make the same choice she did, and she did it twice. She denied me the opportunity to leave a marriage that no longer existed and she denied me the right to make a fully informed choice about staying in a relationship with her after she quit her affair. In both ways, she was wrong, dead wrong, and it has been a huge issue for me.

HellFire posted 3/29/2021 15:21 PM

How long have you been NC?

Does your husband know the entire truth?

Mickie500 posted 3/29/2021 16:45 PM

I’m on the fence now to see if I’m really going to reconcile from his affair but I know now that I don’t want the confusion of having someone in the wings helping me make my decision.

I may not ever mention my online communication as my husband would be more concerned if I had actually had sex with him versus just talking online.

It’s my choice not to disclose. He didn’t disclose his affair to me...... so I’m fine with not sharing that I was having “conversations” with someone from my past.

I don’t actually agree that each situation demands disclosure but it does require NC and a commitment to NC.

gmc94 posted 3/29/2021 16:49 PM

I may not ever mention my online communication as my husband would be more concerned if I had actually had sex with him versus just talking online.....It’s my choice not to disclose.

Wow. Just wow.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 4:50 PM, March 29th, 2021 (Monday)]