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perception vs. truth

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Westway posted 4/16/2021 11:54 AM

Good job on standing up to her father. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree does it? An entitled father making excuses for his entitled daughter. Pathetic.

Buffer posted 4/16/2021 20:12 PM

It is strange that those that have money and power or have external beauty are put out when asked to be accountable for their actions.
WF father can’t buy you or persuade you to do as he wants. And what is that? Well his attractive daughter who has abused trust of her EX partners as well as you. But doesn’t have to be accountable. Why? Because she is so attractive.
There are some things beauty and or money/power can’t provide and that is integrity.
You break the law, you are accountable. Be it with a lawyer arguing on your behalf that your accountability should be minimalised due to various reasons. But you are still accountable.
Brother this is what people with power and money don’t get. They will take credit when not needed but deny accountability when challenged.
One day at a time and hook up with OBS. Nah just kidding.

[This message edited by Buffer at 8:59 PM, April 16th (Friday)]

nekonamida posted 4/17/2021 09:55 AM

It is strange that those that have money and power or have external beauty are put out when asked to be accountable for their actions.

"I'm well aware that my daughter is a no good lying, cheating scumbag who has done this many times now. It's because I'm a no good lying, cheating scumbag and I raised her! How dare you hold her accountable!" Not to mention how he acknowledged that the only reason she is sad because she wants something she can't have. And yet his solutions is to... give it to her? Instead of, you know, being a parent and teaching her the value of cherishing what you have and not taking it for granted? Sounds like a narcissist with a golden child to me who was also raised to never take "no" for an answer and to lie and cheat until you win. Good riddance.

Absolon posted 4/17/2021 12:59 PM

@Freeme: I really appreciate the way you helpfully re-frame a variety of things: the ‘why’ of this; the fact that there was some ‘luck’ in discovering this now and not, say, 5 years into marriage; and for your excellent template for what a final letter might look like.

@Sceadugenga: Others, then you, raised NPD and so I was prompted to look into it a little. Not only did it make me realise how many boxes of NPD that my Ex-WF ticks, but it has also made me consider that I have also managed to attract other similarly damaged women in my life. I need to raise this with my therapist.

@bellatrix: Thank you for your exceptionally generous words. I also love your idea of ‘I nothing her’. Right now, I am unquestionably moving through the gears of grief, so alas it is a series of profound emotions towards her – none of which are ‘nothings’. But I am comforted by the hope that I will get to ‘nothing’ her quickly.

@Jambomo: Good point about the degree to which Ex-WF’s and father’s crass disrespect for my wishes are making it easier for me to cut all ties; and that, if I don’t at this stage, it will make me prey to much more insidious manipulations later on.

@Buffer: Excellent summary of how accountability can be absent in those to whom much has been given throughout their lives.

And, @all, to comments regarding the OBS. On a serious note, I have told her about this site and she thanked me. She said that it is all too raw for her to begin talking to a therapist, even, plus she is quite a shy, quiet and introverted person and said she wouldn’t like the idea of sharing her pain with strangers. I told her what SI has done for me so, who knows, perhaps she will come here.

On a less serious note, Buffer you mentioned my hooking up with OBS (!). She is a beautiful woman, to be sure. But our hooking up—at this stage of our lives, and grief, and mess, currently—is the definition of the term ‘two wrongs don’t make a right.’

Finally, I am writing a letter to Ex-WF. But I am in no rush to produce it.

Cooley2here posted 4/17/2021 15:30 PM

A suggestion. Think twice before writing anything. Once written and read there is no do over.
Detaching emotionally is the best thing. If you do detach you won’t need to write. You will have moved on.

chepo1966 posted 4/17/2021 16:04 PM

Absolon
hee hee. My English is not very good, but if I really admire your way of being, as a person, and I appreciate you, today there are very few people who act, as you do, and I think that for me, it is a must, stand out That, where a man acts with such dignity, even more so after the meeting with your ex's father, where he protected you everything, as long as you returned with his daughter, and you foresaw your values and dignity, all this procedure, of your part must be highlighted,
If I'm a bit of a fan of Pablo Neruda, I actually conquered my wife, with poem 15 and poem 20, they are beautiful,
And I like how you support AP's wife. YOU CAN SEE THAT SHE FEELS ALONE, AND NEEDS SUPPORT,
A hug, and a woman will arrive, that this one, at your level. with values and worthy of being called your woman.

Jambomo posted 4/17/2021 16:06 PM

Finally, I am writing a letter to Ex-WF. But I am in no rush to produce it

If I can make any suggestion, don’t make your letter too emotional. Aim for cold, detached and factual - even if you don’t feel it.

Bear in mind that our ex partners don’t really care about how we are feeling, or at least are not interested in hearing about it if it makes them feel bad, their focus is on them and they are simply not interested. Anything you write now that is highly-emotional will I think make you feel a bit embarrassed or upset about down the line, when either they don’t respond as we might hope or just simply because we wished we hadn’t shown our vulnerabilities to people who clearly don’t care about them.

Freeme posted 4/17/2021 16:31 PM

I agree with the above,unemotional and would like to add short and to the point. She will pick apart the letter, read into your words, share the letter with family and friends. The less you write the less ammo she has.
She will twist your words to what she wants them to be... for example.
If you write that you can't reconcile with someone that continues to lie she will take this as... if she tells the truth you will be able to reconcile.

Your story happened so fast I'm not sure if you took care of all of the basics. STD testing. Change locks on doors. refunds for wedding. Taking her name off of any accounts. I would also have that ring checked...

Hope NC is going well.

longsadstory1952 posted 4/17/2021 17:03 PM

Why send a letter at all? Seriously, why? What point would it serve? Do you feel you have to have the last word? Is it important to you that she knows how you feel? Do you feel compelled to answer her letter?

All I can say from personal experience is that I did end of relationship screed once, and for a very long time I wished I had just gone dark. I just feel it is a better approach.

nekonamida posted 4/17/2021 17:17 PM

Why send a letter at all? Seriously, why? What point would it serve?

To shut down XWF's promise to send him monthly updates and continued future intrusions into his life. I'd normally be against it but he has to get the word out to her that he will not be allowing any contact. He can save a copy of the letter in case she ever escalates and he needs to get a lawyer or the law involved for harassment.

guvensiz posted 4/17/2021 18:00 PM

I have said it before but I have to repeat it; writing a letter to her doesn't do you any good.

What do you think you can tell or prove to her?

My own experiences came to my mind. I was trying to prove to the person who lied to me, cheated on me and denied them, how she lied and deceived by showing her contradictions. How funny! Of course she knew what she had done much better than I did.

Now I cut off all contact at the slightest sign. The sign I mean is not a sign of cheating, slightest negativity about personality that I can't accept. I don't any explanation. They don't understand why and try to learn from my friends or relatives.

[This message edited by guvensiz at 6:02 PM, April 17th (Saturday)]

ramius posted 4/17/2021 23:34 PM

The coin of the realm for NPD people is attention.

They need it. They crave it. It’s right up there with food and water in their mind. And it doesn’t matter if it’s good attention or bad attention… ..just that it IS attention.

By writing her a letter and sending it you are just giving her more of what she wants, attention. She wants to know that she is living rent free in your mind. That you are devoting mental resources towards HER. Thinking about HER. And what SHE thinks.

HER HER HER
SHE SHE SHE

So I would say don’t send her a letter. Don’t give her what she wants.

Write it if you need to for your own processing, read it and then burn it or shred it.

Sceadugenga posted 4/18/2021 00:30 AM

Write it if you need to for your own processing, read it and then burn it or shred it.

Good advice and solid rationale behind it. If your goal is to prevent further contact in the future (the monthly letters she mentioned), a simple message will suffice (a cease-and-desist, if you like):

"Dear exWF, I have decided to move on with my life and I wish to have no further contact with you."

If she doesn't comply (and she probably won't) and no ignoring helps, then seek an injunction against her.

Absolon posted 4/18/2021 12:48 PM

The following letter was sent yesterday afternoon. I brace myself for the incoming SI disapproval: any of you who have said, ‘Why send a letter at all?’ will disagree with my decision; and then even those among you who have understood my need to send one will wish to point out its flaws.

Despite the negative reaction it will receive, I felt I owed it to this community to share what I wrote.

But it feels good to have written and sent it. Obviously her name is not Blake, but …

Blake,

Three parts to this.

Reality
o This constitutes my last correspondence with you ever. I ask you never contact me in any form, ever again. I also ask that neither your family nor any friends contact me on your behalf ever again. If you or your family fail to respect this boundary, I will be forced to pursue legal means to protect myself. You destroyed our relationship through your choices and actions; all of it is irrevocable.

Your letter
o I am glad to hear you are pursuing therapy. I hope it helps and that you can discover, at some point in that long process, a degree of self-honesty for the first time in your life. The structures around you have enabled, and continue to enable, your behaviour so even if you manage to address the great empty caverns in your soul, you will have to unshackle yourself from the chains of your family.
o Thank you for returning the ring.

One moment
o I’d like to leave you with one moment – perhaps the last time period we were both naturally happy together? As you will recall, at the height of Covid we were able to escape to your parents’ oceanside cabin for that memorable long weekend. On the Friday afternoon, we were walking among some rocks, higher up, when you placed yourself perilously close to the edge and risked falling into the sea. I pulled you back and admonished you slightly for doing something so dangerous.
o Later on that night, by the fire, when that moment came up in our discussion, your response to me was, “Risk is good. It makes us feel incredibly alive. And besides: I know you will always be there to pull me back.”
o I now realize that everything you are, and everything you were about to do to destroy our relationship, was telescoped into that one moment. While I feel mildly disappointed with myself for not grasping that, I am now grateful to see you for who you are and only hope that you can find the courage to change. But none of that will occur with me by your side.

Good luck.

nekonamida posted 4/18/2021 13:36 PM

Absolon, I actually think it was a great letter. It really slammed that door shut and left a lasting final impression.

steadychevy posted 4/18/2021 13:43 PM

I have no negative comments. It seemed to the point, shut the door and final. Still, I think FIL is probably a vindictive bastard. Stay vigilant as discussed before.

Freeme posted 4/18/2021 14:25 PM

Wow. Great letter. No negative comments. Very clear message.

gr8ful posted 4/18/2021 14:27 PM

Well done Absolom. Not sure why you chose that name - you are NOTHING like that sad son of David. In any case, serious respect.

Sceadugenga posted 4/18/2021 14:34 PM

No negative feedback :-) The letter was fine, showing strength, composure and dignity.

DanielJK posted 4/18/2021 14:39 PM

Thanks for keeping us updated.

Great letter.

You handled this terrible situation with grace and dignity from the beginning. Well done.

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