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perception vs. truth

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HellFire posted 4/6/2021 13:40 PM

Unfortunately, her beauty is part of the reason she feels so entitled.

Please make sure you put a copy of the new pics, in OBS's hands. She deserves to know that the affair has gone underground.

Jambomo posted 4/6/2021 13:47 PM

We all believe the best in our partners Absolon, itís why we are with them in the first place. That belief in their good qualities and love of their person is what makes us love these people and makes us good partners to them.

I think thatís part of what is hardest about betrayal as well. That suddenly we realise we loved a fantasy person and that the one we love is not at all who we thought they were and worse, that they can never come back and be reunited with us again, because we see who they really are now.

It was the hardest part for me I think but also, it was the spur for me to keep moving forward. When you know you canít go back, and limbo isnít very nice, getting on with it is the only option left.

grubs posted 4/6/2021 13:50 PM

Please serve her with an eviction notice and change the locks. She's crazy enough to believe she can win you back and will likely try to move back in.

Kate777 posted 4/6/2021 13:50 PM

Being beautiful is useless if your inner being is rotten! That makes a person utterly ugly!

DanielJK posted 4/6/2021 14:02 PM

most of me is broken beyond belief

I believe it.

I'm so sorry you have experienced this. It's an indescribable hurt. I don't think others who have not experienced it can understand.

I will say that I'm 11 months into my ordeal and am starting to get out of the hole I was in. You will get there, it will take time but you will get there.

I'm glad you came back and gave us an update. Stick with us, let us know how things are going.

You mentioned that the PI did some additional work...did OBS get the updated information? For your WF's AP to tell OBS that he had a weekend business trip, then spend it in a hotel down the road is just sickening to me.

Cheaters are just awful people. Sick, twisted individuals.

WalkingHome posted 4/6/2021 14:11 PM

Good job. Please make sure the OBS knows about their last weekend...


HouseOfPlane posted 4/6/2021 14:39 PM

It's weird realizing you are just a supporting actor in someone else's life story.

But guess who's the star of yours?

One foot in front of the other, shipmate.

Westway posted 4/6/2021 15:18 PM

What has been her response to the pics you posted in FB?

jujuchrist posted 4/6/2021 15:26 PM

Hi Absolon

but it is just the Ö extreme damage this will, undoubtedly, cause all my future relationships.

I am free: sure. But I will never trust again.

Don't worry about this. You're still young. You still have 35 or 40 years of sentimental life to live. What you're going through today won't destroy you, it will give you feedback.
A friend of mine often says "when you lose, don't lose the lesson".
You will have the opportunity to trust a woman again. You will just do it differently and be more alert and listen to the signals. Really, don't see this story as the end. It's the end of a story but not the end of your story, and you will find a good person to trust. This story and this person were not normal, but don't react as if your next partner will be abnormal

Take care of you (and give your new elements to OBS)

Butforthegrace posted 4/6/2021 15:27 PM

Wow, what a saga. Reminds me of that recent series "Behind Her Eyes".

Have you circled back to the OBW yet about the Easter weekend freaknick?

Any thoughts about recovering the engagement ring? I can't recall if you're in the US. If you are, in most states, an engagement ring is considered a gift and isn't recoverable except in cases of fraud.

As to the Blake Lively good looks, I get that being with a beautiful woman can impact logical decision making. Beauty can also impact the character of the woman. I dated a woman in grad school who was a mix of Christie Brinkley and Alice Eve. Stunning. She was at least honest enough from the outset to make it clear that she gave exclusivity to no man, but what I didn't anticipate was the flippant way she juggled her men. She lived her life like a puppeteer with a trunk full of male marionettes that she could pick and choose among at whim. The sad part was that most of us men involved with her (I came to know a few of them) let her get away with it, in part because she was so beautiful, but also because she knew how to use her beauty like a laser beam, to make each man feel like he was the most important one during the time he was with her. Me, the earnest grad student. A varsity college football player. A wealthy businessman. A struggling artist.

Life for a woman like that is a gushing firehose of positive reinforcement, an endless series of doors held eagerly open by men with hungry, imploring eyes. It can lead to a sense of entitlement and a lack of empathy.

As to this:

I am really puzzled by her doing that. You would think she would want to keep me around whilst enjoying the secret thrills of her A. She must really, truly, despise me if she could have written a note like that

My theory is that it may come from a place of self-loathing. This is her second engagement/marriage that she has imploded with infidelity. Clearly she has a massive character flaw. You mentioned that many around you (as a couple) knew this but bit their tongues rather than warn you. I reckon there won't be as many tongue-biting keep-quieters in her future.


[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 6:11 AM, April 7th (Wednesday)]

Stevesn posted 4/6/2021 15:28 PM

Iíll stay at a girlfriendís

as he had an unexpected business trip over the weekend, leaving Friday and back yesterday (Monday)

Unbelievable gall. Never ceases to amaze.

Please inform the OBS. She may still hide behind rose color glasses but deserved to know just how darkly shades they are becoming.

newlife03 posted 4/6/2021 15:29 PM

my WF and the POSOM had checked into a fancy spa about 90 minutes outside of town that Friday night!
More photos. More proof. There is a very nice restaurant in the spa / resort, and it was apparently quite easy to capture many photos of a couple in love (!) sitting beside each other at a romantic retreat.

So sad that the OBS is still being lied to by her wayward husband. My heart aches for her when she sees the photos but it's necessary as she deserves to know that he is not really wanting to "reconcile" in the way that she believes.

My heart aches for you as well. I understand how you feel completely shattered and that you will never be the same. It's true. You will question every new relationship and have doubts up the ying yang for a while. And it's ok to still love her but know you have to let her go; saying good-bye doesn't automatically erase the love you had. Only time will help heal that wound and eventually you will allow yourself to trust again.

Kudos to you for revealing the photos to the close people in your life after she tried to destroy you. Makes me sick to think that she tried to get away with it.

As for her "beauty," her character is ugly, and now she can't use her looks to win you over. She's probably not used to rejection and I doubt this will be the last you hear of her, so stay strong and focus on the bright future you will have for yourself once this is behind you.

[This message edited by newlife03 at 3:32 PM, April 6th (Tuesday)]

Unsure2019 posted 4/6/2021 15:31 PM

Thanks for the update. Everything youíve learned, even though itís painful, gives you enormous clarity as you move forward. It was always all about her. Question. Did you share the new weekend hookup and pics with the OBS? It would be great to ruin bis day.

DanielJK posted 4/6/2021 15:34 PM

To say that you emotionally abused her is just so insulting.

I've seen it here and even in my own STBXWW...the victim mentality.

Somehow in their sick, twisted minds they are the victims.

Marz posted 4/6/2021 15:43 PM

Blame shifting

Freeme posted 4/6/2021 15:45 PM

Wow. Thanks for the update. It sounds like you some some closure.

Not only do I question, deeply, my supposed powers of observation and intuition to have lived beside someone for 5 years whom I so clearly did not even know; but it is just the Ö extreme damage this will, undoubtedly, cause all my future relationships.

I am free: sure. But I will never trust again..

You will be more aware moving forward. You will question things like why your new girlfriend's ex hates you. Or other small things that you might have missed before.

To do:
- Change the locks.
- STD testing
- refunds of any/all wedding related items
-Send OBS latest pictures

As far as meeting with her father. He will more than likely try to convince you to get back with his daughter. Could he get the ring back for you? Has he seen the pictures? Would he trick you and invite his daughter also?

As far as OBS and her story. OM probably tried to spin it to make your WF look like a whore. Her cheating might not have been common knowledge. He wanted to give OBS someone to blame for his cheating.

As far as the reverse Facebook message. WF was just trying to get her story out before you did. Figured she could say she was only talking to the OM because you were so emotionally abusive. She probably still thinks she can convince you to work it out.

Glad you dodged that bullet.
You should consider moving to a new place.

Jambomo posted 4/6/2021 16:09 PM

Blondes, though, have a finite shelf life. There is a point around age 40 where they suddenly look very old.

Oi!! As a 42 year old blonde I take exception to this yíknow I donít look a day over 41 1/2 so Iím told.

HellFire posted 4/6/2021 16:22 PM

Blondes, though, have a finite shelf life. There is a point around age 40 where they suddenly look very old.

Of all places, this is where you choose to say this??

You are on a forum, where I'm quite sure several of the betrayed wives are blonde, and they are dealing with their WS cheating on them with a younger brunette.

Talk about kicking them in the teeth.

You're entitled to your opinion. But this wasn't the place to share it. Don't you have a Men's thread in ICR?

And, no. I'm not blonde. I just think it was a shitty thing to say on this forum.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:23 PM, April 6th (Tuesday)]

Jambomo posted 4/6/2021 16:27 PM

betrayed wives are blonde, and they are dealing with their WS cheating on them with a younger brunette.

This is exactly what happened to me.

Itís ok though, sheíll cheat on him with a guy whoís not 50, grey and has a face like a melted welly. Meanwhile my old face and I will have replaced him with a handsome dashing older man who has all his own teeth and everything.

[This message edited by Jambomo at 4:32 PM, April 6th (Tuesday)]

Robert22205https posted 4/6/2021 16:49 PM

Regarding meeting with the x-finance's father, I do not recommend it. The less contact you have with her, her friends, and her family - the quicker you can heal.

1 - regardless of how much you think he admires you, blood is thicker than water. His concern is damage control for his daughter and her reputation (especially on FB).

2 - since everyone knew about her past cheating accept you, it's likely her parents knew too. You may have misinterpreted their gratitude (for marrying her)for admiration.

3 - how do you benefit from a 'talk' with her dad? Did the dad have a 'talk' with the prior finance?

The cheater's family often says: if you really loved her, you'd give her a second chance.

Or he'll ask you for the pictures and the PI report.

IMO, you should just decline and you don't need to justify why.

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