X

Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

more information about cookies...

Return to Forum List

Return to Just Found Out

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

perception vs. truth

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22

grubs posted 4/1/2021 08:42 AM

Absolon,
I'm not sure how much info you gave OBS outside of the recent photos, but she deserves to know this wasn't a one time thing. She should know of the hand holding under the table and that your exWGF is still in contact with her Ap.

The recommendation to expose isn't to be mean or paint you exWGF as a evil person as much as it is to help her to stop hiding the brokenness inside of her. She's going to gloss this over and blame you for how it went south. She already is for not being "forgiving". The story she tells others will be that you were too controlling and expecting perfection. No mention of her betrayal. The next guy she lures in will end up with much the same story as you. I expect her previous Ex has a similar story also. Expose her. Protect her friends marriages. Help break the cycle.

HouseOfPlane posted 4/1/2021 09:10 AM

She has asked me not to tell anyone—EG my family, friends, etc—about this because we can fix it.
If you ever loved her (and you did) you can give her the gift of not having to live two lives. Right now she lives an internal one and an external one, always constantly on guard to keep her lies straight and story aligned. Tell her family (I am sure you had a relationship with them). Then your ex-fiance can live one truthful life.

I'm sure she'll throw it away, I doubt she will think it was a gift, but at least you gave her that shot.

Ariopolis posted 4/1/2021 10:43 AM

She has asked me not to tell anyone—EG my family, friends, etc—about this.

You probably feel you'd like to be a gentleman about this and keep the lady's secret.

here advise me for a more ‘nuclear’ option—sharing this with her family, etc—but it isn’t me. I know myself very well. This is, and will for a very long time be, profoundly traumatic for me. For me to survive, I have to be true to who I am. While I love the stories of the degree to which people avenge the infidelity they have suffered, it isn’t in my DNA to plan and execute such things.

Telling people in your circle about her infidelity isn't about revenge. It's about being transparent and giving clear and honest explanations. Once you take out the emotion, your duty to your friends, co workers and family will become clearer.

Her female friends deserve to know her boundaries concerning married men are a little... nonexistent.

If a person stops paying their credit card bills, the CC companies report the action to the proper entities. This is not vengeful. It's simply the consequences of those actions and there is no emotion on the part of, say, Master Card. MC is not trying to harm anyone who stops paying their bills.

Rather the dissemination of this behavior is to prevent further harm to other innocent parties.

You see? It's strictly the business of tying up the loose ends and putting a period at the end of this relationship. It's simply the right thing to do.

newlife03 posted 4/1/2021 11:12 AM

I've been following your story, and I'm so sorry that your instincts were spot-on with her actions. Then again, knowing what you know now may have saved you years of a marriage with no trust.

A few things to point out that have probably already been said by others but worth repeating:

1. This was NOT your fault. Whether you did this or didn't do that had absolutely nothing to do with HER decision to cheat. If she were unhappy or unfulfilled she could have broken off the engagement. But she chose the cowardly route of having another man "meet those needs."

2. Her blaming you for her actions are her way of making her choices o.k. She knows she was wrong but couldn't admit to it. I'd have given her some kudos for at least owning up to it, but instead of just saying "I need help" she blamed you.

3. She's probably mad at the fact that OBS knows about the affair and it killed the excitement of it. Let's pretend that she forgave AP, that means they will stay together and the affair is over. THAT'S why she's mad at you...you ruined her fantasy!

4. I didn't tell xWH's family or friends about his affairs, I knew they would defend him (which they did by blaming me for "not taking care of him"). I told only my family and it was enough for me. Some put their wayward partner on blast to their family and friends. xWH's friends already knew and went along with it so it didn't matter in telling them.

5. Many wayward partners "affair down" so it isn't a surprise that you are superior to him. I"m not sure if that's an ego boost thing or what.

6. The pain you feel is normal, and you will need to grieve the loss of your relationship in order to move forward in a healthy way. It's ok to still love her and not want to be with her, those feelings will take some time to go away, and they will.

I'm so sorry it came to this, but you relied on your instincts and they saved you from years of pain.

HalfTime2017 posted 4/1/2021 15:50 PM

Absolon,

I know you are a good man, and you want to leave this all behind, which you should, but you should also let others know of the reason your marriage blew up. Not only the OBS, but yours and her family and friends.

You've already heard her blame you for being a perfectionist, and her fear of you. You think that somehow that's not going to play out in the public as more people find out that the engagement is off.

The reason why we advise on exposure is so that you get to control the narrative. Its not necessarily b/c of revenge. You dumped her ass before heading to the alter, that is revenge enough. The other reason to let your story get out is b/c she is going to start smearing you. Don't for one minute think that she is going to volunteer to everyone that she cheated. She has already told you NOT TO TELL ANYONE. My ex told me the same bullshit lie. Lets not tell anyone, it will make it so much harder for us to get back together later. Bullshit. That is all to help them cover up their nasty adulterous ways.

You should not have to cover for her. You should tell everyone the truth, and if she disputes it, you have verifiable photographic proof. I'm sure she will keep quiet after that knowing that you will just blow her shit up. Don't keep the lie for her, protect your image b/c you will be dating soon enough. Maybe not now, maybe not even in 6 months, but you will be in the future. And you WANT people to know that it was not you, not some form of personality flaw of yours, not your perfectionist, non Rugby playing body that was the reason you broke up. It was her cheating, plain and simple. Girls in your community will hear about this, and since truth is on your side, you have nothing to hide or fear. Its not about revenge, its about getting the truth out there. Good job on everything so far.

Westway posted 4/1/2021 17:21 PM

Absalon you are going to be okay man. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but one day you will get over this and her. You'll hurt for a long, long time. But that hurt will slowly fade. You will gain strength and wisdom from this experience and come out on the other side a better man.

Westway posted 4/1/2021 17:22 PM

And... expose her to everyone. Now.

iggyb posted 4/1/2021 18:38 PM

And... expose her to everyone. Now

You have to do this. Don't let her control the narrative.

SnowToArmPits posted 4/1/2021 18:43 PM

And it’s oh-so humiliating, the questions I have: did I not make her orgasm enough when we made love? Was my penis not the exact perfect shape and size? Did she just want an ex-rugby player bodytype? And even though I know nothing of what they did, the imagining it is just … it’s so astonishingly awful.

Hi OP. Just stop all that thinking. It's your ex who should be wondering over and over "why am I so heartless, so cruel, so selfish..."

You did very, very well in hiring a PI to gather evidence during your trip, and then getting a confession from your ex. Many guys never get proof. They're left wondering as you once were after you thought you saw your ex and AP holding hands under the table. Those poor betrayed guys are gaslit by their cheating partners and think they're going crazy thinking something's wrong. Thank God that's not you.

What often happens now is that cheaters, being cruel bastards, will lie to their friends and families as to why you broke up. Don't let her do this. Tell her parents (and friends if that's important) that your ex cheated on you. That's why the engagement is over and the wedding is off.

Mene posted 4/1/2021 23:56 PM

You dodged a bullet unlike most of us who were married and or have kids with our wayward spouses.

Great for you that you found out before you got married.

Go out and celebrate and have a great time.

Organic2003 posted 4/2/2021 03:08 AM

(((Absolon)))

And it’s oh-so humiliating, the questions I have: did I not make her orgasm enough when we made love? Was my penis not the exact perfect shape and size? Did she just want an ex-rugby player bodytype? And even though I know nothing of what they did, the imagining it is just … it’s so astonishingly awful.

Oh, (((Absolon))) I know these feelings all too well!

Now lets sit in and have a beer together.

You look at me and see a 6'6" tree of a man. I show you the pic of the ugly Satan looking man in bed with my wife (ya I have it). I ruminate like you why I say "he is a piano player does he have better rhythm"? "Maybe his tool is smaller, hits better"? What would you say to me?

Then I tell you I found out she was sleeping with that mans roommate too! He is only 5'6" but handsome, 20 years younger than me, I ask you why, is he faster? Can he suck on her boobs when I am too tall? WHAT would you tell me!?
My mind like yours can and does play the video of them fing perfectly well but it is not reality.

My guess is you would say "what the hell, it not you man its her"! You would tell me I am a good decent man that did not deserve betrayal and I F just fine.

Now, I tell you I looked up the short mans criminal record and told you he had intercourse with a child under 13, more than three times!!! Ya, lifetime sex offender list! (she didn't know)
So who cares if he did F better rougher or whatever! The proper reaction should have been to vomit not orgasm.

Who the hell is the better man in every damn way! YOU YOU YOU

I am looking you in the eye as a friend hugging you. You are the better MAN. In life and in bed. I GUARANTEE you did not deserve her betrayal. You F just fine.

Find a way to put this in your heart, you are way better, and do not live like I have, believing some of that crap for 30 years. (1st cheating wife issues)

We have a poster (ChamomileTea) that you can look up and read if you need someone to help you more. It really is completely on the cheaters character zero on you. She would have screwed the child molester if he was next door and available.

CT If your reading, this man needs one of your loving kicks in the ... maybe the truth will transfer to Absolon's heart.

Take Care of YOU
Organic

[This message edited by Organic2003 at 4:19 AM, April 2nd (Friday)]

Robert22205https posted 4/2/2021 15:32 PM

She's doing what every cheater does when caught. She's in damage control and trying to salvage her reputation. And now blaming you.

You are not even a little tiny bit to blame.

Also it's pretty typical for cheaters to affair down. She never really knew or even saw the OM as a person - he was just available for her to build a romantic fantasy around.

There's nothing you could have said or done to prevent her decision to cheat. She was a self destructive time bomb waiting to go off.

1 - Stop communicating or discussing anything with her. Why? because it just stirs up more pain for you.

2 - She's chasing you to salvage her reputation. She'll only stop chasing you when you expose her affair to friends and family.

Exposure is also one of the very few consequences for cheating. Expose her immediately.

BigNoob posted 4/3/2021 15:15 PM

Absolon I know you feel like shit right now, and have probably heard "you dodged a bullet" plenty of times right now in real life and in here.


You should honestly go No Contact with your Ex, I know some part of you deep down is wishing for her to send a message explaining all her "why's" and that she is remorseful. That is wishful thinking and all her new messages, pictures, and voice-mail that she sends you will just hurt you. She may in the future finally feel remorse but not right now and far down in the future.


longsadstory1952 posted 4/4/2021 20:22 PM

Don’t know if you are still reading here but I just wanted to give you a little hope on Easter.

By now you are having the initial shock begin to wear off. You are probably struggling with other intrusive thinking. By now you are not so much railing against her, but rather railing against the gods. You are realizing that you have spent five years of your life on this woman, this woman who you thought you knew, who you thought was perfect for you in every way. And the she shits all over you. You can’t get those years back.

One way to look at it, is to realize that no matter what she says now, no matter how she spins the story going forward, she cannot take away from what you know you had for the first 4 and half. She cannot take away that. She can lie and deny and cry, but she can’t take away what you know.

You are starting to wonder if in your 40s it is worth setting out alone, or if you should contemplate trying again. You should not be motivated by recapturing what has been lost for the sake of the time and effort you have put in up to now. That is called the sunk cost fallacy, and should not be part of the equation.

You are probably wondering if there is some out there for you. You may not believe it, but the answer is absolutely yes. You have another 40 more years to go. Don’t worry about finding love. You will and when you someday look back on the last five years, they will seem like a mirage.

Alternatively, you have the choice of keeping her in your life. If you so,choose, understand that if you “get over” it, some 5 years from now, it never really goes away. So you have the choice of continuing the inner turmoil. Keep in mind that if she is as much of a clueless ditz as she appears, she will be demanding to know why you are not past it is about 90 days. And of course there will be the fallout of trying to uncover what else there is. So why put yourself there?

So when you see the claims that you dodged a bullet, they have a point. There are guys here who are still struggling 40 years later trying to understand, and all they get is snarky back talk from their spouses. This is hell on earth.

It will take a while to get your head on straight without her, but know that it will take years to do that, if ever, with her. So no beating yourself up if you move on. It’s the smart move no matter what she tells you.

Absolon posted 4/6/2021 12:41 PM

It has been an unbelievable last week or so. It has passed by in 5 seconds; it has passed by in 5 years.

Wednesday night was ugly: my WF (Wayward Fiancée) phoned and told me that under no circumstances would she be moving out. I told her that she would be, and said that if she did not that I would be sharing the photos with her family. Ugly words between us. Little sleep for me that night.

Thursday morning, I receive the sweetest texts in the world from her: she says she is so sorry for last night, that she will move her stuff out and stay the weekend at a girlfriend’s, and that could I please not tell anyone about this. That we can fix things and make things right. I asked, ‘Why should I not tell others the real reason our wedding is off?’ She said that would ruin any chance of us getting back together.

I returned to my place Thursday night. It was very difficult to be there. My first post mentioned the symbolism of a break-in. This too felt that way, but in a twisted key – where you know your house has been burgled, but your eyes aren’t providing proof. Her stuff was mostly gone; she had not left the engagement ring, though.

Something inside me made me reach out to my WF’s ex-boyfriend. I found him easily through Facebook. I wrote him and said that I had something he would be interested in knowing, and could he phone me. He phoned within 45 minutes.
It was a brief but powerful call. I learned, crucially, that his engagement to my WF was broken off due to … her being repeatedly unfaithful. He had to go to an event that night, but invited me to have dinner with him the next night.

The next day, as I drove the 3+ hours to his town, I finally had the time to reflect properly on an unbelievable 100 hours or so in my life. The revelation that my WF had done the same to the previous man filled me with such a mixture of emotions: anger, relief, sadness, bewilderment, embarrassment – many others as well.

About an hour away from his place, something more courageous in me made me pull to the side at a very scenic rest stop. I phoned the OBS. I had no expectation she would answer. She did. There were long tearful silences on her part. She said that he had cheated on her before their wedding and when she was 6 months pregnant with their second child; but that they had worked on things and that as far as she knew, all was better.

Troublingly, despite her husband’s (POSOM’s) multiple infidelities, the narrative she was locked onto was that my WF was the aggressor and her husband the victim of a predatory woman. What she said next shocked me: she said that many people KNEW that my WF had been unfaithful to her ex-fiance, but that it had been kept from me ‘to protect my feelings’.

Finally, when I asked her what she was planning to do, she said that he said that he was totally done with my WF and would undergo any type of counseling, transparency, etc etc that she required for him to rededicate himself to her. So she said, for those reasons and a few more, that she is staying with him. The most valuable detail she shared was something that, maybe for her, was a passing remark right at the end of the chat. She said she was looking forward to ‘starting again’ with him after Easter weekend – as he had an unexpected business trip over the weekend, leaving Friday and back yesterday (Monday).

Given the fogs that were previously blinding me to my WF’s treachery were finally lifting, my senses were on maximum alert and I phoned my (utterly excellent) private detective and told him about this. After the initial exposure of the A, he had told me that I should retain his services for a little while longer since it is so common, apparently, for exposed APs to take things deep underground, continue the A, but simply become more careful about concealing it. I therefore approved more investigative work on his part.

I met with my WF’s Ex and we went to a steakhouse. The first 30 minutes were incredibly difficult to navigate: two men, both betrayed by the same woman, both with many swirling emotions. But it got better. He told me about my WF’s multiple infidelities (that he knew of) during their relationship and his bitter, bitter regret for taking her back again and again. Amazingly, what ‘sold’ him was her comparing him favourably to her APs and saying, ‘How could I be so dumb to be with an inferior man when I have you?!’

I could tell he had such a mixture of emotion when he learned what happened to me. Part of him was clearly angry and sad on my behalf. But part of him, I could tell, was, at some more primitive level, delighted that his worst thoughts about her had been confirmed. I understood this. I didn’t see it as him taking pleasure in my suffering – but rather that he finally had some closure on the fact that it wasn’t really about him or his failings with her, at any level.

I suppose my ability to understand that (partially thanks to this incredible community) was liberating for me, too.

As good as Friday ended up being, Saturday was hideous. I awoke to a poison bomb on my private Facebook group dedicated to the (now, never-to-be) wedding – which was composed of the groomsmen, the bridesmaids and our two primary families. To keep it simple: my WF wrote a simple message saying that sadly the wedding was off and that while ‘he (Absolon) might wish to spin it, that she had been suffering from emotional abuse from him in the last few years of our relationship and that despite our attempts to work on it, he couldn’t break his negative patterns’.

I was … dumbfounded. But then again, I suppose I wasn’t. Many people here warned me about this.
I don’t wish to delve into my emotions that day or actions. I did nothing I would regret. In fact I kept a total silence – from her, from the group. Obviously my own family knows. But I am so curious why she reversed on her Thursday morning texts, saying she wanted to reconcile things between us. Was the power of being with her AP so intoxicating? I am really puzzled by her doing that. You would think she would want to keep me around whilst enjoying the secret thrills of her A. She must really, truly, despise me if she could have written a note like that -- knowing I will basically never speak to her again. Just disgusting. Just amazing.

What made it all ‘better’, if that is the right word, was learning later that day that my WF and the POSOM had checked into a fancy spa about 90 minutes outside of town that Friday night!
More photos. More proof. There is a very nice restaurant in the spa / resort, and it was apparently quite easy to capture many photos of a couple in love (!) sitting beside each other at a romantic retreat.

I am now running out of steam in this update, so I will cut the conclusion as short as I can. By yesterday afternoon, armed with two affair weekends’-worth of photographic proof, I selected the six most powerful photos and sent them to our Facebook wedding group. I apologized for my delay in responding to my WF’s deceitful Saturday message: I explained that I had been visiting her Ex-ex fiancé and had been disappointed, though not surprised, to see that she had done this before. I asked the group to truly ask themselves whether any part of me has ever seemed even remotely emotionally abusive. I asked the group whether my WF had ever, before her A was exposed, mentioned to ANY of them that I was emotionally abusive. I felt that if any of them were honest in answering these questions, they would have their Truth – aside from the damning photos. I have received several supportive messages from most of the group. Somehow the ones from the bridesmaids have cheered me even more. Her father has asked me to go for coffee with him this week. He really adores me. I am not sure I want to go, really, despite my close relationship with him.

Finally: as liberating as it has been to escape this crazy person with whom I shared a bed, a house, a life for 5 years, most of me is broken beyond belief. Not only do I question, deeply, my supposed powers of observation and intuition to have lived beside someone for 5 years whom I so clearly did not even know; but it is just the … extreme damage this will, undoubtedly, cause all my future relationships.

I am free: sure. But I will never trust again.

cheatingisabuse posted 4/6/2021 12:54 PM

That's rough, Absolon. I'd share the latest photos with OBS and just start disengaging from WF asap. She's not worth any more effort.

Kate777 posted 4/6/2021 12:57 PM

Hello OP,

What a roller-coaster!! I am so utterly sorry you've been through all this!
But.. You dodged such a massive bullet!!
A textbook narcissist!!

Take your time to process a of this, then time to heal.
Talk to peeps you are comfortable with.
Try to find a specialist for PTSD and NPD.


And sometime down the road, you can trust again.

Westway posted 4/6/2021 13:06 PM

I asked, ‘Why should I not tell others the real reason our wedding is off?’ She said that would ruin any chance of us getting back together.

This is called emotional blackmail.

Wow. She really thinks she is made of gold doesn't she? As if you are so desperate you will grasp at whatever straw she dangles in front of you. I would upend her life just for the sheer satisfaction of it.

This woman has no love for you whatsoever. I doubt she has the ability to love anyone in any kind of meaningful way. I feel so bad for her exBS. I think what you did helped him bring closure to a gaping wound. Good on you for doing that. And good on you for setting the record straight on FB!

[This message edited by Westway at 1:18 PM, April 6th (Tuesday)]

HouseOfPlane posted 4/6/2021 13:17 PM

She is one 50 gallon drum of cra-cra

It's only going to get better from here, Absolon. I pity the next guy.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 1:17 PM, April 6th (Tuesday)]

Absolon posted 4/6/2021 13:22 PM

I should point something out that a lot of people have asked about but I haven’t addressed.

She is a stunningly beautiful woman. She has been compared by many people to basically being a ‘twin’ of Blake Lively. I am not sure whether we are allowed to use celebrity names in here; if not, my apologies, and I will edit it.

And no no no – don’t worry: I am not saying this because I want her back. Just pointing out that for her whole life she has turned heads everywhere she has gone. Her Ex, on Friday night, was telling me that that was part of why he kept taking her back. That he felt that he would do ‘anything’ to keep a woman that beautiful in his life.

That certainly hasn’t been my attitude since discovering her infidelity. But it is more than possible that thing I am struggling with most right now—my complete and utter blindness to what was going on—was due to believing the woman inside mirrored the beauty on the surface.

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22

Return to Forum List

Return to Just Found Out

© 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy