SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I posted over in NB about getting a bathroom reno done. I am withdrawing some 401k money to do this.

Welp. Found out today that my old 401k place still has me as married and they are asking for a spousal consent form! UGH. It'll be okay - called them and I just have to send them a copy of my certified divorce decree (which I had to dig for but did find).

I was right at the start of the name change process when covid hit and it just kinda got moved to the back burner cus so many of the government offices got so backed up. But I am getting this name change done, immediately.

So... I seem to remember that changing to my married name wasn't this big a pain in the arse. Does anyone have any good services or tips for me to get this done? I'm sick of looking at that last name now and want my old one back!

Hate to say it but it IS a pain in the ass...but we’ll worth it.

Where I live you have to fill out a bunch of forms, get them notarized and send them to various state agencies so they can send you back a form that you’re not a deadbeat parent or child abuser. With those forms in hand I had to go to the courthouse, pay $150 and request a name change hearing. It can be a few months after filing to get a court date.

After the hearing you have ten days to go to the DMV and social security administration to change your driver’s license and social security card. Then you have to change all your bills, deal with HR at work and a host of other things like the bank and post office,

But again...it’s worth the hassle...I was so happy to get rid of that name!

Did you include a name change in your divorce decree, or are you doing this outside of that?

Phoenix I included it thank goodness. Just such a farkin hassle!

I want to change my name back even though I’m not divorced, I just like it better and never liked my married name.

It is impossible to do so here! The dude at the government office could not wrap his head around it. Is your husband dead? ...no. Divorced?...no. Well, there is no form for that...

Lol. Finally he said I would have to do a legal name change like I was picking an unrelated name rather than my birth name...that I had all the documentation for.

I gave up. After that I didn’t have the energy to then have to call every single bank, insurance company, etc so on and change it there too.

Maybe I’ll try again later this year. Good luck to you.

Ellie, I legally changed my name years ago and am planning to do it again once my divorce is finalized. I believe there’s an ideal order of changing it — Social Security card first, then driver’s license, then everything else. Way back when, I had to go to the SSA office in person, but it looks like now they’re doing it by mail due to COVID; you can find that info on the SSA website.

I’ll be interested in hearing how it goes for you. Can’t wait till I can do this too, despite the fact that it will be a huge pain. Not having to look at that name all the time will be totally worth it!

In my state since I did it as part of my divorce, there was no additional fee. It actually was less onerous than I expected - I remember going to the social security office and bank, but pretty much everything else (including state license for my job) I was able to do over the phone. I was so mad at myself for ever taking his name (my maiden name is amazing and actually about a year before I'd found out about any cheating had thought like NorthernMSB and had considered changing it back while still happily married, but never got around to it) and it was such a relief to be me again!

I have no real relation with my maiden name and I've had my married name longer. I didn't want to go through the process of changing it, so didn't. Call it being lazy, I guess.

Having it done as part of the divorce makes it easier in terms of getting the official okey-dokey. From there it is all the same ass-ache, and the longer you've had it, the bigger the PITA.

When my youngest was born, her birth certificate was actually messed up. To get it corrected, she was required to be a resident of the county for one year. That meant I had to wait 11 months for her to turn 1 yr just to request a hearing as Vital Records wouldn't just correct it. It was just stupid, and major PITA. Then they wouldn't just issue a corrected birth certificate. Oh no. There is an actual judgment entry and that judgment for the change has to accompany her birth certificate for any use. DD rolls her eyes at me every time she needs to use her birth certificate.

I hate my married name, but chose not to change for professional reasons. It is tied to every degree, certification, and decades of networks. To change at this point would be an ass-ache of epic proportions, and I just don't want to deal with it. However, if/when I retire or leave my current vocations, I've already told my kids I intend to change it as I don't want to die with it (fingers crossed I live that long). I won't go back to my maiden name for personal reasons, but am leaning toward taking my mother's maiden name. My kids are cool with that.

Sadly, my DDs have both indicated they are thinking of changing their last name as they don't want to have their father's name. They won't change with marriage as they want their own name, but just not their father's. Oldest said she is thinking of something short and easy to spell and pronounce like Smith or Jones. Current is constantly mispronounced and misspelled, and even I am tired of dealing with that. So don't really blame her for feeling that way.

Names. What a pain they can be!

Name changes are the worst! It was much easier to change my name when I got M than it was to change it back after my D.

My D was in 2016 and at that time I wanted to keep my XH last name, mainly for our DD. I actually just filed for a name change in October and am still waiting for it to go through the courts. The process is insane! It's good you included it in your divorce papers because otherwise it would be even more work! Good luck!

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don’t do a bathroom renovation done financed by a 401k withdrawal!!!

You pay a 10% fine and taxes on the withdrawal, making the renovation about 30-40% more expensive than it needs to be.

Phoenix, you might want to point out to your kiddos that they can change their name at marriage to whatever they want - it doesn't have to be the spouse's name, and it's less hassle than going the court route!

I'm not a fan of my ex's last name, that I still have because I didn't want to go back to my maiden name either. But I also haven't thought of a good third one, other than maybe my mom's maiden name. But I'm not going to bother with it until I retire, if then. It bothered me for a while, but honestly, it's just a name.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don’t do a bathroom renovation done financed by a 401k withdrawal!!!

You pay a 10% fine and taxes on the withdrawal, making the renovation about 30-40% more expensive than it needs to be.

I've weighed out all my options and there's a lot more to this project than just wanting it done. It's not ideal but it is the best solution I have available.

I changed my name as a child, when I was around 10/11, after my mum married my step dad. At the time, it was very unusual in my small part of the world to have a different surname than your mum, and I got teased for it at school. Then my little brother came along and I wanted us to have the same surname. Entirely my choice, which my mum supported (side note - she had to get "permission" from my bio-dad to change my name, even though he was in no way involved in my life after he abandoned me. Gotta love the patriarchy!) My step-dad has never formally adopted me, but he's my dad to all intents and purposes.

It's one of the reasons why, that if I had married my xWBF, I wouldn't have changed my surname. I'm never going to change it, even if I do marry in the future. I have enough hassle now whenever I need to produce my birth certificate (wanna ask me about the US immigration process???) so I'm not going to add an extra level of complexity on top of that.

I feel like, that by making that decision to change it as a kid, I chose my name. It reflects and represents me. I have nicknames that are based on that surname, which I love. If I changed it, those nicknames would sound weird.

I do have a friend who didn't want to change her name when she got married, but had so much hassle if she wanted to take her kids to visit family in Spain because her surname was different from theirs, that she ended up hyphenating with her (then) husband's surname, just to avoid the issue.

[This message edited by Outoflove2020 at 3:02 PM, February 22nd, 2021 (Monday)]

Getting married is WAYYYY easier than getting Divorced and wayyy less expensive. Getting married should come with full disclosures on financial shit so that you are aware of what you're signing up for. Although we know all about child support that comes along with having kids, no one tells you about all the other nuances of getting a Divorce when you get married. There are not terms and conditions outlined when you sign the certificate.

With that said, my Divorce decree outlined that I requested that my ex change back to her maiden name, and over 2 yrs out, and NOPE, she still has my last name. Bugs me to no end, but not enough that I want to go back to court to make those demands. Just like you're sick of looking at that last name, that exWW of mine doesn't deserve to carry mine and my children's last name. She chose to obliterate the family she had to hop cock, and she should lose that privilege of having our last name. end vent.

Found out today that my old 401k place still has me as married and they are asking for a spousal consent form!

Had something similar happen a year ago. Credit union from previous employer start charging a monthly fee on checking accounts. I just direct deposited money for savings there and had the car loan auto auto draft from it. Never really paid attention to it since the branch is on the other side of town. Whenever I needed to tap the rainy day fund there, I just wrote a check to myself and deposited in my primary bank. Credit Union wouldn't let me close the checking account without her signing off on it since I added her as a authorized user when we were married. I really hope that's the last of them.

"Disaster-Related Early Withdrawals

The second stimulus bill offers retirement account holders the ability to take a penalty-free early withdrawal of up to $100,000 from their IRA, 401(k), 403(b), money purchase pension or government 457(b) accounts in 2021 because of a non-Covid-related disaster. “The language doesn’t exclude Covid-affected areas—it just can’t be a Covid-only disaster area, nor does Covid have to be involved at all,” says Washington.

Retirement account holders can take a penalty-free distribution of up to $100,000 if their principal residence is in an area where a disaster has been declared by the president and they have experienced financial hardship as a direct result of the disaster.

The bill further clarifies that the disaster must be declared sometime between Jan. 1, 2020 and Feb. 25, 2021; the incident during which the disaster occurred must have begun no earlier than Dec. 28, 2019 and no later than Dec. 27, 2020. For instance, Californians affected by last year’s wildfires are eligible.

This means that if, in addition to the Covid-19 pandemic, you were in the path of a disaster between Dec. 28, 2019 and Dec. 27, 2020, then you may be eligible for a penalty-free early withdrawal, provided the federal government declares the incident a national disaster on or before February 25, 2021. (In other words, you probably already know if you will be eligible for such a disaster-related distribution.) Be aware that while these early withdrawals may be penalty free, you’ll still owe taxes on any money you withdraw that hasn’t been taxed before, like investment earnings or contributions to a traditional 401(k) or IRA.

Eligible retirement account holders have until June 25, 2021, to take a qualified disaster-related distribution. Unless you choose otherwise, your disaster-related early withdrawal will be included in your gross income over a three-year period. For instance, if you take a $30,000 disaster-related withdrawal in the spring of 2021, you can expect to increase your gross income (and the associated taxes you may owe on it) by $10,000 in 2021, 2022 and 2023.

You also have the option of redepositing the money within three years of the date of the qualified disaster-related distribution, rather than the usual 60-day allowance for redepositing early withdrawals."

Colorado was also subject to declared fire emergencies in the eligible time period.

Colorado Wildfires (DR-4581-CO)

Incident Period: September 6, 2020 - November 5, 2020

Declaration Date: January 15, 2021

This is not financial advice, I'm not a tax guy thingy, etc.

My wife's DL expires this year so she has to decide if she wants the secure ID version needed for air travel. My male priviledge meant I just needed passport, birth certificate, proof of residence when I renewed mine a couple of years ago. My wife needs the same plus records of both marriages and her divorce decree. She's still debating it since she can just use her passport or global entry card.