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Cooley2here posted 6/3/2021 07:05 AM

Do you put your hand on a hot stove? This relationship is a hot stove. You because you beg him to love you. He because he wants to use you. You have needs. He has wants. He is powerful because he doesnít love you, he just loves your money. You yearn for his love.

We all understand you. Every single one of us has been touched by infidelity. For some it has been excruciatingly painful. For others, like me, the cheating was done out of town and I only found out after he finally grew up. None of us feel the same. There are no rose colored glasses here. We face reality and hope you do.

annb posted 6/3/2021 07:09 AM

If he really isn't interested and doesn't give a fuck about me why help me out?

^^He's continuing to play you like a fiddle, do you really believe he gives two sh*ts about you?

You are grasping at straws here.

beauchateaux posted 6/3/2021 07:23 AM

He didn't have to agree to give me a ride to the airport and he didn't have to hug and kiss me goodbye. He didn't have to agree to pick me up from the airport - he could have easily said no and told me to go away and leave him alone. If he really isn't interested and doesn't give a fuck about me why help me out?

To be blunt (and I'm sorry in advance) - because for these minimal efforts from him, there's always the chance that he'll get himself laid. These 'efforts' don't show caring, they show a cost-benefit analysis. He doesn't even have to put in any planning - you come to him.

Again, sorry to be so crass about it, but there it is. He's active on Tinder - THAT even takes more effort. Sorry, friend.

Catwoman posted 6/3/2021 07:48 AM

Here's a question though - He didn't have to agree to give me a ride to the airport and he didn't have to hug and kiss me goodbye. He didn't have to agree to pick me up from the airport - he could have easily said no and told me to go away and leave him alone. If he really isn't interested and doesn't give a fuck about me why help me out?

It strokes his ego to have you asking him for something. It's all about how he feels about HIMSELF, not how he feels about YOU.

Let that sink in for a minute. He gets to feel like the Knight in Shining Armor. You're feeding his ego by being his damsel in distress. And he can go off and rescue someone else when he's done with you, because he's a free agent.

Tell me, does this sound in any way healthy for you?

And if you have read Why Men Love Bitches, what is the entire premise of the book?

NO CONTACT WITH MEN WHO ARE NOT WORTHY OF YOU.

I think it might be worth a re-read.

Cat

Lalagirl posted 6/3/2021 07:59 AM

Cat explained it perfectly. It's all about HIM and you are feeding and feeding his over-inflated ego.

Booyah posted 6/3/2021 09:11 AM

"I have to face the fact that he's just not interested".

Fanny since you've come to SI you continue to ask the wrong question(s).

WHO GIVES A DAMN WHAT HE THINKS.

The question you should be asking yourself is why you continue to be interested in him?

He is who he is and he's NOT going to change for you or anyone else but you continue to keep holding out hope that one day he'll have some big life changing revelation and he'll become the man you've desperately wanted.

Fanny.....it's NEVER going to happen and you are pissing away your life in the meantime.

This is exactly why you should be doing NC (which means NO CONTACT OF ANYKIND).

It's also why you should refrain from dating any man for the time being and get yourself into IC and stick with it.

You've been told this COUNTLESS times and it goes in one ear and out the other because you continue to LIE to yourself.

You are going to stay in this pattern until you wake the F up and decide to stop lying to yourself.

This is and has NEVER been about this guy.

It's ALWAYS been about you and why you do (and don't) do things.

You continue to have to learn things the hard way but you just keep doing what you've been doing and you're going to be asking the same questions a year from now, two yrs from now etc etc.

Everyone can see this except you. I'm glad there's been posters who haven't bailed on you yet because it is SO frustrating to see you lie to yourself time after time and by doing so the Merry Go Round of Fanny's life goes around and around and hasn't taken one step forward.

You'll be in NC and you'll come up with some lame ass reason to break NC to see him or You'll run into him somewhere and instead of walking away You'll talk to him (hug him and kiss him and more than likely F him as well) and all of this happens because Fanny continues to LIE TO HERSELF!!

Your lies don't hurt anyone but YOU.

The crazy thing is you come across here very articulate and intelligent (and I'm not doubting that you are) but the sad thing is you're using these attributes to play the ultimate con. Not on anyone else. Nope.

This ultimate con is being played on YOU!!

One day you'll wake the F up.

Hopefully it's sooner rather than later but continue to ask the wrong questions and continue to lie to yourself.

It doesn't matter what your friends say, or people here on SI, or what this guy says or any man has to say. Nope! It matters what Fanny says not to us or them or him but to you and Fanny you do NOT even respect yourself enough to be honest with yourself.

So how in the world could you ever expect anyone else to respect you??

You're all talk with NO action.

You know what liars do? They lie!!

In your case your lies only hurt you.

All the pain you're experiencing (and will experience) and have experienced comes from you and nobody else.

You think so lowly of yourself that you have to lie to yourself to get crumbs of validation. Not from other people but from yourself. Do you understand this....you give yourself CRUMBS.

One day you'll realize what you're doing isn't working and decide to do something different. However in order to do this you have to STOP.LYING.TO.YOURSELF!!

scaredwoman posted 6/3/2021 09:44 AM

Here's a question though - He didn't have to agree to give me a ride to the airport and he didn't have to hug and kiss me goodbye. He didn't have to agree to pick me up from the airport - he could have easily said no and told me to go away and leave him alone. If he really isn't interested and doesn't give a fuck about me why help me out?

Several have given you a reason for why he agreed to help out, hug, kiss, pick you up, etc. But I'm not interested in why HE's doing what he's doing. The fact that you are questioning his motives tells me that you can't let him go, you are looking to see if he's interested, and I think you want to hear "because he still wants to make a life with you." You are looking for ANY reason to justify taking him back.

This reminds me of a quote from the Sex and the City movie where Carrie keeps torturing herself by reading an article, and she says "I'm an emotional cutter." I know you need help, and you know you need help and hopefully time will get you there.

Charity411 posted 6/3/2021 10:19 AM

If he really isn't interested and doesn't give a fuck about me why help me out?

Fanny, the fact that you are asking this question at all speaks volumes. Why he helped you out doesn't matter. You aren't interested in the answer. You are only interested in the outcome you want, which is him committing to you. He could say "Because I wanted you out of my face as quickly as possible" and you'd hear "Because I really love you." You don't see that he's an opportunist of the worst kind, because he knows this is killing you, misleading you, and he's doing it anyway. You just see what you want to see.

He has repeatedly in real words told you he is not interested in a real relationship with you. Sure, he'll take the boats and trucks and limitless sex so he's careful to keep that door open just a crack. Why the hell not. What has he got to lose? And lately, unless you just aren't sharing it anymore, he's even stopped the late night booty calls.

From day one of proclaiming you are going no contact, you have come at from a dishonest place. You aren't going no contact to break free of him for your own sanity and self worth. You want to show him what he's missing so he'll come running back. Like clockwork, after a certain number of days go by, when he doesn't react, you engineer a reason to be where he is.

It was as plain as day when you went to meet your friends at a bar to plan your girls night out. Something that could have been done by zoom or whatever. Instead, you picked a bar in his neighborhood, that you knew he'd likely be at, right at a time he's likely be there. You left your friends sitting at a table waiting for you while you went out to his vehicle to make out with him. If I were those friends I'd have left.

The same is true of the ride to the airport. Enough time had elapsed and nothing was happening, so it was time to place yourself in front of him again and ...ooops...kiss and hug time. He must love me. Because that's what you wanted to see. And just like showing up at the bar to plan your fabulous new life in front of his face, you were putting him on record that you were going somewhere, thinking it would matter to him. That's why it was so important that you have him take you. How else could you manufacture a reason to wave it in front of his face. It didn't matter to him anymore than girls night out did.

You came to this site because you were furious that he was on dating sites. This, after you'd put down payments and signed for a boat and a new truck to pull it. Weeks later his dating site profile pictures were of him in front of his new acquisitions at your expense. When he wouldn't commit to you (hell, he wouldn't even call you his girlfriend at that point) you were furious because in your mind you had bought and paid for him. Who can blame you. You'd been had.

That's when you should have walked away. But instead you went though negotiations and threats to take his toys away if he didn't commit to being your boyfriend. To growing old on the porch. He played the game for a time, tossing you little treats, until he could figure out how to get a truck and boat with fewer strings. As soon as that was done he made it clear you were history. You were crushed.

Ever since, you have plotted how you are going to convince him he is making a mistake. That you are his one true love. The problem is, you are the only one who thinks so.

At some point you need to start thinking about what you actually look like, because this "I'm a catch and I deserve better" thing isn't really something you believe, and it isn't what is motivating your no contact attempts. You want to win at all costs. You refuse to hear no. You want the outcome you want. What he wants doesn't matter, because according to you, he just doesn't know what he needs. You do.

I wonder if you even realize that this guy could make a pretty good case for you being a stalker. He may be a con artist and an asshole, but even assholes have a right to say no. You've made vailed threats on these boards that you have the goods on him to put him in jail. Maybe that's why he gave a ride to and from the airport. You seem to think it's a badge of honor you didn't call him first and let him know you were showing up at his work place to ask for a ride. A lot of people look at it and see the opposite. That a woman obsessed with this guy shows up unannounced in his office wanting a ride, when she has many other options. And maybe, just to keep her from doing anything rash he obliges.

And I've been around the block a few times and have lots of friends. None of them, zero, nada, would routinely check dating web sites to see if any of my exes were on them. Nor would I ever ask them to. You aren't kidding anyone here. You're doing the looking, or you have really strange friends. And that is without questions invading the space of someone who has repeatedly told you he has no interest in you. He has every right to be on those sites.

So while many of us, myself included, have been faced with the difficulty of breaking free from manipulative assholes in our lives, and made mistakes and had set backs until we accomplished it, those mistakes were largely the result of being pursued by manipulator. It insults our intelligence when you keep showing up for more, and then act like you're the victim when you don't get the result you want.

When you decide to go no contact because you don't want any contact, you'll be successful at it. As long as you are using it as a tool to "make him miss you", not a chance. At least be honest about it.


FannyandCat posted 6/3/2021 10:35 AM

I guess I just wanted to know his motive...I returned on Monday the 17th and we spoke a little that Tuesday and Wednesday...then nothing. Hence day 15 of no contact.

Considering how he's living his life he doesn't really have much to boost his ego. I mean think about it...he's living in a little house (think less than 1300 sq ft) with five other people. He's embroiled in a very serious legal situation that won't be resolved for many, many months...he's facing the real prospect of spending time in prison (not for years but the amount of time doesn't make a difference). That he's on Tinder has me scratching my head since he really isn't much of a catch at the moment.

And in his defense (please don't eviscerate me over this), there are plenty of times he's been sweet, charming and loving. It's truly been a mix of very good and very bad. He donated $100 to a charity walk I was doing just so I could get the free T-shirt, he hoisted a 70+ pound chest freezer on his back and walked it up three flights of stairs for me, he mowed my lawn after having surgery, showed up unexpected with a steak dinner after he found out I had been working in the yard for 8 hours, accompanied me to a friend's wedding over 100 miles away, help me pick out a Christmas tree, hauled it into the house, installed it and showed me how to use it. Hell when I told him I had applied for a promotion he went to one of the interview panelists as he knew her to talk me up and vouch for me. So along with the lies, abject avoidance and dating profiles it's hard not to think about the above.

I'm literally the only girl around that sees him in a different light - probably because we have a history and I know his story. Part of me thinks he's not looking for a relationship or anything serious and is on Tinder just to look at girls. But that he's on there is a deal breaker for me and he knows it. The love is there as that's not something I can't just shut off but that doesn't mean I won't keep my distance and accept the space. And yeah I could come up with a million excuses to see him but my time is better spent doing - well just about anything else. I'm leaving on the 13th to spend a week with my adopted family so looking forward to that. I'm tutoring two kids, volunteering at one of the local food pantries, helping two friends organize their houses and taking a few hours off of work on Friday to pack boxes for needy families at the local food bank. In other words, I'm keeping myself very busy. Hell, I just recently signed up to be an "agua angel" for the local park service and now spend an hour after work once a week watering the plants at one of the local parks downtown.

Again, I'm done trying to predict the outcome of things or expect anything from anyone - whatever happens happens. In the meantime I have a full schedule, friends to hang out with, a dog and cat to spoil, a house to make beautiful and, well, stuff.

Part of me wonders if he's keeping his distance until his legal troubles end. Maybe he's joined Tinder just to look - there are plenty of people that join dating apps for no other reason than to see what's out there, get the occasional ego boost when a woman connects with them with no intention of actually meeting anyone. But I'm not going to speculate - that's a waste of brain space. And I'm not going to sit at home pining for him - as you read above my life is far too busy for that. Only time will tell. Think about it - a guy I went on a date with SEVEN YEARS AGO reached out to me recently. And while it didn't work out it just goes to show that time is a funny thing and it's a fool's errand to set expectations on anything. You simply can't predict the future so I'm going to live my life in the present - every day is a gift and I'm going to treat them as such.

Consider this post a free-association of thoughts...

[This message edited by FannyandCat at 10:39 AM, June 3rd (Thursday)]

Catwoman posted 6/3/2021 11:21 AM

But I'm not going to speculate - that's a waste of brain space.

But you ARE speculating. Therein is the issue.

Cat

The1stWife posted 6/3/2021 12:33 PM

Guys - the good people of SI - I am suggesting that we stop 🛑 responding and trying to be helpful.

This is way above our capabilities and F&C isnít interested in changing anything or facing reality. We have given her over 40 pages between her two threads of support, kindness, friendship, advice etc. yet she refuses to accept any of it.

Charity411 and countless others have really tried to reason with her and provide experience with these types of people.

We are doing nothing more than spinning our wheels and wasting our time and resources on someone who continues to make the same choices over and over.

Itís time to let the addict feed her addiction. Until she commits to reality and chooses to live in the real world, we cannot help here. She continues to make excuses for him, rationalize his life and make grandiose statements.

I posted that I believe there is some seriously concerning behavior that IMO, only a professional counselor or trained psychologist can address.

If we stop commenting here it might be the best thing for F&C. The more we point out the reality of the situation the more she defends this guy.

I think us trying to help her is only more detrimental.

HellFire posted 6/3/2021 12:43 PM

Agreed.

It's such a shame. SI is an invaluable resource. But we can't help someone, who has proven she won't help herself.

The1stWife posted 6/3/2021 13:13 PM

Thank you HellFire.

I just donít want to cause more damage or pain to her. I donít think we are helping her.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:35 PM, June 3rd (Thursday)]

Cooley2here posted 6/3/2021 13:25 PM

I agree

Lalagirl posted 6/3/2021 13:27 PM

I'm sorry to say it, but I agree as well. I've wished her the best on a few occasions and I truly meant it and still do.

Charity411 posted 6/3/2021 13:48 PM

I agree. I've hoped for nothing but the best for her when she was being manipulated, and at first she was in my opinion. At this point it's become obvious there is a very different dynamic happening here.

Hurtmyheart posted 6/3/2021 14:06 PM

How old are you, Fanny? Did you say that you are 46 years old? Never been married? No kids? But you are successful in your career? How many years at your job?

I think when you focus on understanding your FOO, you will find your answers that you need to fix moving forward. I think that you are so likeable (it seems that you don't even know this) and I don't want to see you waste the rest of your life spinning your wheels. It is really sad to watch you go through your life never getting to the bottom of your problems when help is around the corner.

I can't remember all the details but I do remember that you said that your brother shot you in the face with a gun and left a scar? Don't remember all the details but I think you said that your relationship with your mother wasn't good either. Can you reiterate on these facts? And how about your father? What was your relationship like with him? And can you remind me how you felt during those turbulent years?

I'm not quite ready to give up on you just yet, Fanny but it does make me mad about how you are going about all of this and I am sorry to say this but feels like you are playing us, unless you really don't see this part of who you are. And I know that it isn't your XWBF who has the problems that need fixing because he apparently is happy with who he is. It is you, you are the one with the problems. Yes, it does seem that he also has his share of problems but he also happens to be your collateral damage.

The reason I say this is suppose that you do eventually let Mr. Wonderful go and he is in your past and time also has passed. And you still haven't taken the time to fix the problems within yourself. You know what will end up happening again? You will meet another Mr. Wonderful who could end up being worse than this current Mr. Wonderful is. And as long as you don't take the time to do deep introspection into your past and also the feelings you have about yourself, this will be your life long pattern of accepting the wrong men in your life. And TBH, I think most of the men you have chosen are users and losers because it seems that may be how you value yourself.

Instead of focusing on your current Mr. Wonderful, I would try to put more to focus more on your relationship patters of your FOO. My memory doesn't serve me 100% but didn't you say that you also were sexually assaulted? To me, these are the areas where you should be focusing on to gain better clarity into who Fanny really is. I think that there is a lot of unaddressed pain from your childhood that needs to be worked through.

There are many programs out there available to you that you could participate in to help and try to get to the bottom of your issues, you will need to do the footwork here. All I would suggest though is to try and stay away from men until you can figure out your "why's" of why you only seek out and accept abusive men in your life and want to try to force them to love you and to try to fix their issues.

I believe once you can learn to like the good and accept the not so good in you (and you may even hate certain parts of you, I think we all do), that you will figure out what it is that you truly want in your life and also find happiness and authentic Fanny instead of accepting what I would term the unacceptable. There is only one Fanny that walks this earth. Please try to learn to get to know her.

Hurtmyheart posted 6/3/2021 14:46 PM

Another thought- Hobbies are fine and all but it's still not helping you get to the bottom of where your hurts are. In fact, I kind of think your hobbies act more like a bandaid.

Personally, if I were you, my life would look more like 12 step programs, such as, Alanon (with a sponsor and working the 12 steps), CODA (Codependents Annoamous). It is also a 12 step program. A trauma therapist a couple day's a week, if you can find a good one. Stay away from dating men until you can get a better understanding of who and what you are about. Read the books people here have suggested and other ones. Do nice things for yourself. And then your hobbies.

I will be the first to admit that I also have walked in shoes similar to the shoes that you are walking in and I'm sure that others here on SI also can profess to this too. And I believe this is why others myself included have been getting so frustrated, because we see the train wreck coming if you don't hurry and open your eyes. And we are only trying to help you avoid the pitfalls. And in truth, if you don't accept the help that we are offering to you, your life may never change and you will go on choosing from the bottom of the barrel. And it hurts.

We want to see you turn into a success story, Fanny. And I believe you can be just that. But it is YOU who is going to have to put the work in to change yourself. And we will be here to cheer you on if and when you decide to.

Honestly, I've been in the worst situation and pain of my life these past several years. I married someone who turned out to be not in my best interest. Yes, we also had wonderful times together and he also did wonderful things for me. Heck, he left me a huge pile of money! I would much rather had a happy and healthy marriage than ll of his ard earned money in the end. In a way,what good is it now that he is gone? But his choices didn't have to be this way either. I also paid a huge emotional and psychological price for this. I was financially dependent on him and he also wanted me to be a stay home mom and didn't want me to work which today seems like a bad choice that I made. And I also had a lot of red flags that told me to run when we first started dating but I ignored them. And in the end, I got burned badly because I learned after his death that he had multiple affairs. I had a gut feeling for a long time that he did, but he always convinced me that he would never do that to me. Well, he lied.

This is what we are trying to help you see. This guy is no good for you. And at this time, you don't even have your own back. But as I stated earlier, this is what we are trying to help you avoid, the pain we went through. But the truth is, it doesn't and shouldn't be this way in the first place.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 2:58 PM, June 3rd (Thursday)]

scaredwoman posted 6/3/2021 17:02 PM

Your last post was was all. about. him. Yes, you had one paragraph of how well you are doing, and that's great. But as long as you wonder about him, think of what he's doing, why he's doing it, where he's at, who he's with, if he'll be in jail, it just never ends. Please don't say you're not pining for him, it's insulting to those offering endless support. Wishing you well.

babbu posted 6/3/2021 19:23 PM

I'm not sure why it's a mystery he was on a dating app. He was on there to get his dick wet.

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