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FannyandCat posted 4/30/2021 09:40 AM

Lalagirl - yes I have full access. And yes I could probably cancel the policy online. No one would be the wiser too.

No contact was broken yesterday. Not because I reached out or unblocked him but because I went to meet some friends at a happy hour and he was at the bar. Could I have turned around and left? Yes but I was there for a reason and I wasn't going to leave and show him he had that kind of power over me. I wasn't expecting it and neither was he. He was alone. We talked for a few and he didn't seem himself. Quiet, reserved and not in the best spirits. He did say he missed me. He said he cancelled his subscription to Tinder and doesn't look at it. He didn't ask how I was doing or really anything - didn't say much. His Grandfather is in town and he was at the bar for a couple beers before heading to dinner with his family.

While it felt good to see him we made no plans to see each other. When he left I walked him to his truck and talked for a bit more. He told me he loved me. I told him I loved him. We made out for a few then I cut it off and told him I needed to get back to my friends. I'm not going down the rabbit hole into despair and desperation...instead I'm planning my girls night out tonight and cutting out of work early to enjoy the sunshine. I'm not unblocking him...I won't reach out...we live two miles away from each other so we're bound to run into each other from time to time. I didn't tell him about the boat insurance issue - we didn't talk money, his legal problems, his living situation or anything of real substance. Instead we talked about the Derek Chauvin trial a little, my new side gig tutoring, his grandfather in town, what's going on with his aunt wanting to start her own baking business and the fact that his ex-wife's first husband was also at the bar. Again, nothing of real substance.

Did his kisses feel good? Yes. Did his hands on me feel good? Yes. But I walked away...had a great happy hour and talked politics, mask vs. anti-mask people, our jobs and whatnot without giving him another thought.

When the dust settles and whatever happens to him happens maybe he'll want something and maybe he won't. I'm not sitting at home pining after him and not going to chase after him. I'm going to LIVE MY LIFE and damn it it's going to be the best life I can make for myself.

Lalagirl posted 4/30/2021 09:50 AM

I honestly don't know what to say at this point except there is no such thing as NC with a makeout session disclaimer.

edited for typo

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 11:41 AM, April 30th (Friday)]

Slanted posted 4/30/2021 10:04 AM

Lalagirl summed it up perfectly. No contact + makeout session = full contact.

I also hope all is well pandemic-wise where you are if you're going to bars.

When the dust settles and whatever happens to him happens maybe he'll want something and maybe he won't.

Don't leave it to this guy to decide what he wants. What do you want?

[This message edited by Slanted at 10:05 AM, April 30th (Friday)]

grubs posted 4/30/2021 10:22 AM

No contact would have been saying hi and just acknowledging his presence and moving on to being with your friends. Instead you had a somewhat lengthy conversation, traded I miss you's and I love you's, and made out. NC is doable even though you live 2 miles from each other. It's not a requirement that you never are present in the same space, but that you don't engage with him. What you did is the full opposite of NC and set you back to where you were at the beginning.

What he wants doesn't matter. He can't give you what you need. If he could have he would have long ago. Mr. Wonderful, can't be wonderful with you and you know it. The purpose of NC is to break your mental ties to him. Until those wither away you are always going to hope that he'll finally get it. He doesn't have it in himself to be the person you need. Probably can't with anyone. You're not satisfied with him being a FWB which is all he can offer you. That's what the last few years have proven. Mr. Wonderful CAN'T BE THE PERSON YOU NEED HIM TO BE. You need to heal yourself so you can be the person that can be with someone who can.

DanielJK posted 4/30/2021 10:24 AM

But I walked away...

Fixed it for you

But I [talked with him at the bar, walked him to his truck, told him I love him, kissed him, and then I] walked away...

You just reset the clock.

0 days of no contact starting now.

I don't know how you do it. I have to hand it to you, you keep coming back and telling us the truth.

ETA - I wish your post said this:

I went to meet some friends at a happy hour and he was at the bar.

But I walked away...


[This message edited by DanielJK at 11:25 AM, April 30th (Friday)]

Booyah posted 4/30/2021 11:00 AM

Fanny I'd like to say I'm surprised but I'm not (nor is anyone else that's followed your story).

You just don't understand NC.

During NC you've said that you have thought about this guy quite a bit. Understandable.

Now you run into him at a bar and instead of ignoring him you not only speak to him but you walk him out to his car and start making out with him and let him put his hands all over you??

You think doing all of this is going to help you (in any way) to not think about him as much?

To be blunt Fanny, you have disregarded EVERY BIT of wisdom that has been passed along to you. You say all the right things, but we all know it's just a matter of time before you come back here with something new you've done that just leaves everyone following your story shaking their damn head.

Everyone knows how hard this is, but there's so many people here on SI that come here looking for help and it's pretty evident that as much as people want to help you it appears that it's just a waste of their time because anything that is conveyed to you goes in one ear and out the other.

I've said it before and I'll say it again some people just have to learn the hard way and you are obviously one of these individuals.

People here are trying to help you avoid PAIN......it's why you came here!!

I don't know what it is that you want from the people here at SI but it sure isn't help.

It's just a matter of time (probably days) that you and Mr Wonderful will be back in the sack because Fanny sex is how you get the validation you desperately need and you will do ANYTHING to get it. Even if it's buying people with material things.

I wish you well but I'm going to have to back away from this thread because it's just damn frustrating and I feel like I'm wasting my time.

Lalagirl posted 4/30/2021 11:40 AM

I wish you well but I'm going to have to back away from this thread because it's just damn frustrating and I feel like I'm wasting my time.

This is probably the feeling of many who have imparted their support and advice to you, Fanny.

Just like the insurance situation - you have full access to the account - you could have canceled the policy or at the very least cancelled the credit card used to make the charge. That's what online access is for. There's no "probably" about it.

I'll give you an A for being honest with us but it is incredibly frustrating to see that you're not following it (or you are, but only for a short period of time).

What do you want?

This is really the question. If you want to continue this way, you do you, but please don't try to justify what your doing as okay.

I truly wish you well and hope that you will work hard in IC and will heal and live a happy, fulfilling life.

FannyandCat posted 4/30/2021 12:02 PM

My therapist said yesterday that heís an addiction. That I was counting the days of no contact shows I was in withdrawal.

So like a drug addict when I saw him it was like a heroin addict seeing a needle ready to go...and like an addict I went for it.

What I should have done was acknowledge his presence then go straight to the happy hour table with no words passed between us. But I couldnít...it was too tempting and I wasnít strong enough to withstand the urge to be close to him. Itís HARD guys...so fucking hard. And I fell off the wagon. Iím sitting here in tears writing this because I wasnít prepared to see him and my spine broke when I did. Lost my resolve.

Iím not waiting for him and deep down I know heíll never be the man I want him to be...but then I think about our inside jokes and how he used to pick me up and guess my weight and always get it right...I called him the human scale. I think about the podcasts he used to send me and his seemingly endless well of knowledge about things no one else would care to think about. Or that he learned how to play my favorite song on guitar and brought a grill over to my house to cook me dinner. Or the night he came over to my house and designed my office...bought me a new super comfy office chair for my birthday and mounted the tv on the wall as a finishing touch. How do I reconcile that with the dating apps, lies and keeping me at arms length? Seriously how do I do that?!

Going out and meeting new men isnít the answer, keeping myself too busy is a good distraction but doesnít stop the mind movies and my friends are wonderful but Iím sure are sick and tired of the entire situation so I donít want to bother them with it anymore.

Is there a mental equivalent of methadone for a man addiction?

Domina posted 4/30/2021 12:13 PM

FC,

You seem to know whatís best, so go back to being the manís desperate option again and complain about the aftermath in a diary instead of here as clearly thatís all this place is to you.
Booyah is right.

The1stWife posted 4/30/2021 12:40 PM

I have seen this drama being played for 9 months with Fanny.

Iím not responding any further.

I do give credit for being honest. Sheís got that much going for her.

But I cannot continue to watch someone disregard all the excellent advice and make the same mistakes again and again. Itís just time to walk away.

Edited to add: maybe her friends and therapist/counselor will have better luck. Sad to see her wasting her time on someone who clearly is not worth it.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:16 PM, April 30th (Friday)]

grubs posted 4/30/2021 14:23 PM

What I should have done was acknowledge his presence then go straight to the happy hour table with no words passed between us.

Quite frankly, you should have turned around and walked out without a word. That's not letting him win, that's not letting you lose. Instead you gave up having three weeks of no contact. That's what so frustrating with you. You want the win more than not losing. You see winning as him being someone he can't possible be. Most would cut their loses and move on. Instead you keep finding reasons to allow him back in your life just in case because the only way you win is him being Mr. Wonderful for reals. Which causes you to lose all over again since he cannot be that person.

tushnurse posted 4/30/2021 19:24 PM

Addiction is just an excuse for what you did. Period.
You need to stop justifying your actions. There were several options that would have been just fine in this situation and NONE of them would have involved breaking NC.

1. Mr Wonderful is the exact opposite of that.
2. Your relationship was a farce. He never loved you. He is a man child incapable of true love. This is proven by the fact that as soon as the money tap was turned off he no longer wanted a relationship.
3. You need to stop with the excuses. Hold yourself accountable.

Choices when you saw him.
1. Turn around text friends that you will meet them at a different location and why
2. Walk by without a word. Knowing that you look good and he will see what he lost.
3. Text a friend that was there to go tell him to leave.
4. Anything other than what you did do.

Breaking NC is one thing making out and professing love for him is just idiocy.

Life is incredibly short and that seems to be something you don't understand. If you were to wake up tomorrow and be told you only have 6 months to live, how bad would you regret wasting another second on this clown.

Take some accountability and reset your goals and how to get them. Think through the what if scenarios. Have a plan in place for every possible situation where you may run into him and what you will do if forced to share the same space.

Lastly find your anger. Arent you mad that thos clown used you? I don't care if he had the best cock in the world he still used you. What you had was not love. Was not an adult relationship and certainly wasn't healthy. But yet you allowed yourself to go along for the ride. Find your anger and use that energy to get healthy mentally.

siracha posted 5/1/2021 12:43 PM

Impulse control depression anxiety addiction have similar pathways . Right now your brain is infact like an addicts craving short term highs in return for sanity stability purpose safety dignity . You can unlearn all these things with patience and strategy.
Stay safe ,so long as you stick with therapy im sure you will find a way out of this rabbit hole eventually .

nutmegkitty posted 5/2/2021 12:17 PM

Is there a mental equivalent of methadone for a man addiction?

100% NO CONTACT.

FannyandCat posted 5/3/2021 09:58 AM

To all that have given up on me - I'm sorry I disappointed you. I'm disappointed in myself. There are so many things I should have done differently last Thursday and I went to the worst common denominator - made a fool of myself. And I'm not disregarding all the wonderful advice here. I'm really not - I have poor impulse control skills...always have. And usually, at least in my professional life it's paid off. But in my personal life it's done anything but. I have to take an I don't give a fuck attitude to it - the people who want to be in my life will stay and the people who don't will go. Written out it seems so simple - there's no need to chase anyone - be it friendships or relationships.

Day 3 of no contact part 2.

Part of that wonderful advice I've received is that when he pops into my brain, think about all the shit he pulled or distract it with something else.

I know I have the worst track record in survivinginfidelity history and I'm sure most if not all the people who read this will doubt I can stick to anything.

Grubs - you said: You want the win more than not losing. You see winning as him being someone he can't possible be. Most would cut their loses and move on. Instead you keep finding reasons to allow him back in your life just in case because the only way you win is him being Mr. Wonderful for reals. Which causes you to lose all over again since he cannot be that person.

You couldn't be more correct. He'll never be Mr. Wonderful for reals, which makes me the ultimate loser because I keep chasing after something that's simply impossible. It's like wishing I had superpower like flying or being able to read minds because it's something that will literally never happen so why ever think it will?

And tushnurse you said:
1. Mr Wonderful is the exact opposite of that.
2. Your relationship was a farce. He never loved you. He is a man child incapable of true love. This is proven by the fact that as soon as the money tap was turned off he no longer wanted a relationship.
3. You need to stop with the excuses. Hold yourself accountable.

Yep - all of that is correct. I'm no longer thinking that he'll magically become someone he's not at his core - and never will be. And yes, Thursday was 100% MY FAULT - I saw him sitting at the bar and immediately went to him. I was the one that stood with him and talked for 10 minutes and I was the one that offered to walk him to his car. I am the one that went in his car and made out with him - it was my choice to do ALL of that. And all of the above were the wrong choices. I own that. Next time (if there is a next time) I see him I will do one of two things:

1. Turn around and leave
2. Walk right past him without so much as a word or passing glance and do what I came there to do.

I had such a great weekend working on the house and hanging out with friends. I have a busy week ahead of me work-wise and a seemingly endless list of things I want to do with the house. In other words I have a life to live and it's about time I start living it.

I'm sure I sound like a bad broken record or an endless loop of the movie "Groundhog Day" but seriously I don't think I can stoop any lower so the only way to go is up from here. To those who are reading this and gagging on their coffee or breakfast I deserve the scorn and doubt - the only way I'm going to convince you or myself is practicing what I preach and showing all of you I'm not a hopeless case.

Cooley2here posted 5/3/2021 10:18 AM

The sign of insanity is doing the same thing over and over hoping for a different outcome. Itís called looping. You are getting something out of it or you would not keep doing it. I am sending this and bowing out. I do want a different outcome.

FannyandCat posted 5/3/2021 10:36 AM

Cooley2here - what was I getting out of it? Attention...albeit briefly. Time...though limited. And affection...something that obviously matters much more to me than him. And on top of all of that a chance to show him that being with me was a good thing but he doesn't care. He really doesn't.

And you're right - what I'm doing is the raw definition of insanity - and the only way to stop it is to STOP IT. No one else is going to do that but me and I can't keep hoping for a different outcome when it's been the same outcome time and time again. The brief thrill of spending time with him isn't worth the disappointment and misery afterwards. And the only rehab that will work is 100% no contact.

Catwoman posted 5/4/2021 09:40 AM

And on top of all of that a chance to show him that being with me was a good thing

More hits on the hopium pipe here. If he didn't determine that you were important to him during the several years you've dated, he is definitely NOT going to come to an epiphany now.

Rather than continue to play this convoluted tug of war game, drop the rope.

Just drop it. And walk away.

That's what NC is--it is taking back your POWER and saying NO MORE.

If you run into him, just don't say anything. Walk away, turn away, go down a different aisle at the grocery. DO NOT ENGAGE. If he tries to engage, you tell him "I have nothing to say to you. Now excuse me," and walk away.

No engaging. None. Zero. Nada.

Cat

shareonhearts posted 5/4/2021 11:27 AM

I'm so sorry you are being jerked around by a loser. I have read your entire story and understand the sexual pull.....I'm so sorry but you are making yourself out to be a second hand loser too.
I'm old school so all I will say...Act like a Lady, be treated like one.....He is not your boyfriend or husband.....He at this point NEVER will be....Pull yourself together...Form some dignity. Sorry to be harsh but you remind me of me 30 years ago...

scaredwoman posted 5/4/2021 13:33 PM

I read through the entire thread, and I'm wondering if this maybe should be in a different forum. At this point in your relationship the problems are not about infidelity but about you wanting him.

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