SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Wife had a six month affair, it ended about two months ago. We did a poor attempt at MC where I was told I should be happy my wife chose me. Real nice. I had already checked out of the marriage months earlier. Last week everything came to head, a week of arguing about the previous eight months. We decide to really try, I'm day to day on it. But my question is this. I miss sex, I have a high sex drive and it's been seven months for me. But I just have zero desire for my wife. She's attractive but I just feel nothing towards her. Does it come back?

Jumping into MC is usually a mistake. You have less than a 50% chance of getter a good one as you found out.

Shes broken not the marriage.

As for does it come back? Maybe, maybe not. Affairs are very destructive and for some the memories will always be there.

Reconciliation is a gift. Does she deserve it?

You don’t have a whole lot of details but it sounds like she may have cut you off during her affair because she didn’t want to cheat on her lover? Is so that’s not uncommon.

Some things you need just to try:

Total transparency.

Zero contact with her lover. Is the affair over? Remember cheaters lie a lot!

Inform the other mans spouse if he’s married (without any warning to anyone especially your wife). Don’t skip this!

She needs to be in IC. I’d skip MC for now.

Take some time to decide what you want.

How long married? Do you have kids, etc.

[This message edited by Marz at 9:17 PM, January 26th (Tuesday)]

I had already checked out of the marriage months earlier.

What has your wife done to make you check back into the marriage? Forget about kids, the house, and livelihood. What has your wife done to make you feel safe, and check into the marriage after her affair?

My situation is a little different from most of what I've read here. I've knew she had been cheating for five months before I confronted her. I was just gathering evidence to make a clean break and to nuke both of them. I was done and already had seperated myself from her. Two months ago was D-Day. She begged me to stay, honestly if hadn't been for Covid and our two kids I would have been gone. Two months of limbo then last week it all exploded. I saw geniune guilt, remorse and shame. For the first time I saw my wife agajn. She knows I'm not fully committed but I'm willing to try it a day at a time.

I stopped the MC after the marriage counselor basically told me I should be happy my wife chose me. And them not taking to kindly to my question that I should be given the opportunity to screw around for six months. The MC happened during this two month limbo.

I'm the one who actually cut her off, after I found out about her affair. And then I read conversation between her and her ex friend that I was pulling away, that morphed into more justification on her part and finally some fantasy that I was cheating too.

She still works with the AP they're in different departments. Like I told her she's an adult but she has offered to look for a new job. I'm not to worried about him, his wife knows and he's going to lose everything. He had the nerve to actually get mad because he thought his wife and I were sleeping together.

Sorry I don't know how to quote people. What has she done since? Owned up to it, never once called it a mistake by a series of fucked up choices. Showed actual compassion for me again. Realized how toxic her friends are and recognized her own issues.

[This message edited by ConfusedCali at 9:47 PM, January 26th (Tuesday)]

MC where I was told I should be happy my wife chose me.

I personally know people who are Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists who have no business whatsoever being therapists of any kind.

More than likely, your MC was an adulterer as well and just says complete shit like this to their clients to justify their own past behavior to themselves.

Don’t go back to this useless quack.

But I just have zero desire for my wife. She's attractive but I just feel nothing towards her. Does it come back?

It really depends.

I too enjoyed sex with my then-wife but never so much as touched her again after I discovered her betrayal.

Not at all - and she strongly wanted to reconcile.

The thought of having sex with this thing that stabbed me, our children, and our family in the back for so long was just repulsive.

Does it come back?

I would imagine if she makes the incredibly difficult long-term effort, and is genuine in her effort, at trying to rebuild a relationship with you, find out her reasons for doing so, and begin establishing some semblance of trust, then who knows.

Again, it really depends.

She may make the most genuine attempt at moving mountains to rebuild what she destroyed but in the end, it depends on whether you can ultimately accept and live with it.

That doesn’t mean grin and bear it - that would slowly drain your life and soul.

I knew immediately I would not be able to trust her ever again no matter what she did - and it was a very good decision for me and our children.

She definitely has to look deep within herself to know why she would do something she knows very well was horribly wrong and you also must look deep within yourself to find out if you will ultimately be ok with yourself if you stay.

[This message edited by keptmyword at 10:00 PM, January 26th (Tuesday)]

She still works with the AP they're in different departments. Like I told her she's an adult but she has offered to look for a new job. I'm not to worried about him, his wife knows and he's going to lose everything. He had the nerve to actually get mad because he thought his wife and I were sleeping together.

Affairs are addicting and it’s not good for a Wayward to be in the vicinity of her AP. If the addict is around the source you can get relapse.

Kudos on his wife knowing. That’s an important first step no matter what.

Sorry I don't know how to quote people. What has she done since? Owned up to it, never once called it a mistake by a series of fucked up choices. Showed actual compassion for me again. Realized how toxic her friends are and recognized her own issues.

The toxic friends are an enemy and need to be disposed of.

It sounds like you need to decide what you want first and foremost.

[This message edited by Marz at 10:44 PM, January 26th (Tuesday)]

I was just gathering evidence to make a clean break and to nuke both of them. I was done and already had separated myself from her. Two months ago was D-Day. She begged me to stay, honestly if hadn't been for Covid and our two kids I would have been gone.

Is this a deal braker for you? Sounds like it is, and you are forcing it not to be. Your children will grow in an environment that is toxic and unloving.

Cali

Does it come back?

Problem here Cali is you are asking for a prediction. There is no one reading this that can answer that question for YOU. I think a few things will make it harder for you

(1) it went on for five months after you found out, so you are not having to get over a ONS or something like that. It doesn't matter how good your reasons were for letting it go on, every time she lied to you to go be with him drove in another nail.

(2) you were ready to jettison her, so you were checked out for some time.

Does that mean it can't work out. No it does not. But the folks here can offer advise but not outcomes.

I'm not to worried about him, his wife knows and he's going to lose everything. He had the nerve to actually get mad because he thought his wife and I were sleeping together.

You should worry about him. Since it appears you told his wife and he will lose everything from what you say, he has nothing to lose by taking another "run" at your wife. And since she is not sure what you are going to do, it is not beyond the realm of possibility that she will not rebuff totally any advances he makes unless you still have the ability to "nuke" him at the job.

As others have said, them working together is not the best thing. If i were you, i would add a polygraph test at an unannounced time in the future before you make any final decisions. She should be anxious to do it, and her response will tell you a lot.

Realized how toxic her friends are and recognized her own issues.

This implies her friends either encouraged it or covered for her if you consider them toxic. Whats she done about them?????

Right now you should not be trusting anything she says that can't be verified. Remorse does not happen overnight and another question would be did her "epiphany" come because the OM was trying to convince his wife it was over and dumped your wife?

And remember, once COVID ends, and at some point it will, it becomes much easier for bad behavior to resume so i would stay vigilant.

Good luck

Betrayed spouses often make the mistake,of thinking the affair is over, because both spouses know.

Did you speak to his wife,on the phone, or in person?

Sometimes it's true. Often,especially when they continue to work together, it's not. Was he in a different department when they had an affair? Regardless, it's super easy to meet at work,and talk,or whatever.

She needs a new job. You need to make that a requirement for attempting reconciliation.

[This message edited by HellFire at 10:53 AM, January 27th (Wednesday)]

Does desire ever come back? Well, I pulled the plug on our marriage after 7 months, so take my answer with my given situation in mind. I like sex, but even during the HB stage, I found my WW disgusting. I couldn't even stand her smell.

It wasn't sex with love, it had become just fucking and in order to even finish, I had to imagine being with someone else. It was unhealthy, emotionally speaking, especially considering that I was intoxicated by my wife previously.

I've been S for 2.5 years and had one hookup and one year long relationship with an amazing woman. I fell hard for the second, but it didnt work out, as both of us had baggage. But what it did show me was that sex with a woman with whom you share a deep, emotional connection is amazing on so many levels. It also confirmed for me yet again, that I had made the right decision in leaving. In order to ever have good sex ever again in my marriage, I would have to love and respect my WW again, something I wasn't certain I could do again. You see, after the A, I saw her both for who she was and who she had always been. The fictionalized, idealized version of her was dead. I read a quote once, and it summarizes my situation: "I fell in love with the character, but then I met the actor". That's it in a nutshell for me. In order to get to a place of healing for me and us, my WW would have to be a person she just could not be.

Had she been an amazing woman in her core, I think we might have had a shot. But when I sat her fine after 7 months and asked her what she was doing to help me heal, her response sealed the deal for me. When she said that she could not be there for me until I was in a better place, as I made her feel too guilty, I knew. I knew she could never be the woman I needed, because she has never once been the woman I needed. It was just not in her.

Now I am 2.5 years S and alone. I am very sad and lonely most of the time, but I am also content and at peace. I have no idea if I will ever find someone again, but life goes on. If your WW was a good person at her core before her A, then maybe you can find something for her again. Maybe not. I really wish I could have, but it was not to be. You owe it to yourself to be sure, really sure that you have explored everything, considered all the advice and weighed it before you make a decision.

Are you in IC Cali? MC is a waste of time and money in my experience too. IC though can be helpful.

I would wager a big chunk of your problem is the 5 months you sat around and watched your wife carry on an affair. That’s a long fucking time to gather evidence amigo and it had to be a complete mindfuck. Why did you wait so long? What kind of “proof” did you need to move you into some sort of action? How did d day go down? Did you confront?

ETA:

IME, the sex will never be quite the same. It will be different, it can be “good” again, but it takes a helluva long time and a tremendous amount of work.

[This message edited by Buck at 11:09 AM, January 27th (Wednesday)]

I appreciate all the replies.

I'm in IC and she's starting this week. I also had someone to talk to that helped me out. Why I waited so long? Revenge is my best answer and eventually after a month I really didn't care. My IC thinks this helped me. That if any reconciliation happened it would be my choice and not something I did out of fear and desperation. She didn't think it was healthy by any means but it did help me get a clear head. That I was able to see a life without her.

The affair was a deal breaker in the sense of how she was acting. The lies and twisting of reality. But that has stopped and she knows my only commitment to this and her is day to day. I told her she could do everything right and that might not be enough.

I became really close to the APs wife so she knows everything and she's terrifying. That's where his fear comes from, she's holding this over his head because of his reputation. The same when my wife apologized to her. She basically used their conversations I showed her against them. That she was going to fuck my brains out and let them wallow in their insecurities. Ruin both their lives and told them she didn't mind being a step mom until I knocked her up. She was fucking ruthless.

The AP did contact my wife (she told me right away) after they were confronted and he blamed everything on her. That he was losing everything to some "whore mother having a midlife crisis". So I'm not really worried about him.

Even though everything blew up last week she showed me tons of stuff that proved she was going through guilt, remorse and shame even before I confronted her. But didn't know how to even start. I'm not going into detail but I saw enough to believe it.

I really do appreciate people trying to help but I think I've got clear handle on that.

And I should have been more clear with my question. I know the feelings take a long time to return and it'll be different. My question was more physical, the plumbing works perfectly fine except with her.

I'm not sure how much this will help.

My sex drive is there - sex with WH happens and at times with great frequency - the HB bug hit me hard [pun very much intended].

So - I have sex. I make sure I enjoy it. I make it all about me. Oversimplified - I get my itch scratched.

BUT if what you want to know is how is my desire for that sweet intimate connection of making sweet love to my WH - well...that hasn't come back yet.

I am 3 1/2 years out. I have not had sex in two years. I have no interest. My therapists tell me it will come back.

ConfusedCali

Wife had a six month affair, it ended about two months ago. We did a poor attempt at MC where I was told I should be happy my wife chose me. Real nice.

WTF? This is so backwards it's ridiculous. You should not be happy that your 'wife' broke her vows, showed that she has no integrity, and abused you. How on Earth is any of that supposed to make you happy?

If that's her 'choosing' you then screw that noise. She should be happy that you decided to give her a shot at reconciling. The reality is that you should probably leave her.

I had already checked out of the marriage months earlier. Last week everything came to head, a week of arguing about the previous eight months. We decide to really try, I'm day to day on it. But my question is this. I miss sex, I have a high sex drive and it's been seven months for me. But I just have zero desire for my wife. She's attractive but I just feel nothing towards her. Does it come back?

I don't know man. I decided to divorce so I can't say whether your desire for her will come back. One thing I'm fairly certain of is that unless she's all in with regard to making things better for you then it's probably not going to come back. She fucked up and she should be doing absolutely everything in order to make things right.

ConfusedCali

My situation is a little different from most of what I've read here. I've knew she had been cheating for five months before I confronted her. I was just gathering evidence to make a clean break and to nuke both of them. I was done and already had seperated myself from her. Two months ago was D-Day. She begged me to stay, honestly if hadn't been for Covid and our two kids I would have been gone. Two months of limbo then last week it all exploded. I saw geniune guilt, remorse and shame. For the first time I saw my wife agajn. She knows I'm not fully committed but I'm willing to try it a day at a time.

Outside of the 'show' she put on for you, what has she actually done to try to make things right?

I stopped the MC after the marriage counselor basically told me I should be happy my wife chose me. And them not taking to kindly to my question that I should be given the opportunity to screw around for six months. The MC happened during this two month limbo.

That MC sounds like a complete waste of time and money.

I'm the one who actually cut her off, after I found out about her affair. And then I read conversation between her and her ex friend that I was pulling away, that morphed into more justification on her part and finally some fantasy that I was cheating too.

Cheaters typically try to avoid blame and owning their shitty behavior, so her reaction is not surprising. Why would you want to have sex with someone who is cheating on you?

She still works with the AP they're in different departments. Like I told her she's an adult but she has offered to look for a new job. I'm not to worried about him, his wife knows and he's going to lose everything. He had the nerve to actually get mad because he thought his wife and I were sleeping together.

That's...just odd... That said, I would tell your 'wife' to get a new job - unless you're going to leave her anyway, which I think you probably should do.

Sorry I don't know how to quote people. What has she done since? Owned up to it, never once called it a mistake by a series of fucked up choices. Showed actual compassion for me again. Realized how toxic her friends are and recognized her own issues.

Has she read any books on cheating? Has she gone to a therapist who is equipped to deal with infidelity?

Dont' know about the others but mine didn't come back. I tried hard but the connection that makes sex "love making" never came back. It was just sex; to releve myself/her. Later I began to feel like I was just using her. It was fucked up. So, I left.

As others said 50-50 chance.

The very unsatisfying, and yet most truthful answer is…… Sometimes.

It’s like getting food poisoning at a restaurant you used to love. Some people can go back in there and smell the smells and taste the food and be OK with it.

Others can never eat in that restaurant again.

I just don't know.

Everyone knows what they need, mentally, to be connected with their spouse in an intimate way. IMO, those needs change when you discover they've shared their sexuality with someone else while we are under the impression they're committed and exclusive to us. The depth of that sexual and intimate betrayal appears to affect us betrayed husbands on a deep level when it comes to intimacy (not suggesting it can't or does not with BW's).

I believe the answer lies in if a WW makes the changes we needed to rekindle our desire for them sexually. YMMV ("Your Mileage May Vary")

I’m not so sure I agree with you IC that waiting 5 months to confront is good thing. I couldn’t imagine, even if I hated my EX, seeing her walk out the door knowing she was going to fu*k some other guy. I get getting the ducks in a row, but the resentment that must have built up will be hard to overcome.

As to the sex after, it runs the gamut here. Some guys and women jump into HB and it is amazing and brings them together. Others can’t even think about having sex. I think that depends on the circumstances and the tolerance of the BS as well as the remorse level of the WS. Even then it is individual

For me, it was awful after her affair. She turned into some fu*k doll for him. It took me six months to have sex with her, and then it was like she was a hooker. I would let her come into my room, have sex, and make her leave. This was after 25 years of sleeping together in a queen bed always touching and holding through the night.

The menu which was expansive through the marriage now was basically missionary and quick and hard. Oral which she loved and I loved giving was off the table after I found out I had given her oral the same day she was with him. Hope not too much information, but doggy which we both loved also off the table as it brought back the images of her on all fours for Anal. Candles and lingerie. Loved before but after couldn’t give a shit about.

She too was desperate to reconnect and I take full responsibility for basically stiff arming any attempts she made.

Same thing as you with MC. Not that she choose me, but that I was supposed to look at this thing as a growing opportunity for her that could ultimately bring us even closer. The same crap that Ester Perel peddles.

In the end no matter what she did it would never be enough to remove the stain she created. I say this knowing this is my experience. Others here have had WW who basically have screwed the 7th fleet, and they have recovered. I don’t know how, but they have.

I will tell you there is life after infidelity. There are plenty of women out there who are looking for solid dependable guys. In the end if you rank winners and losers, I believe that the BS mostly comes out ahead. I had great sex with lots of women post divorce, and am now in a pretty solid relationship. I was damaged for a long time. My EX is damaged squared. She destroyed the one thing which was her family, for something she said meant nothing. Hard to live with.

A WS deserves no second chances. I’m not saying they can’t be given, but unless you were some giant asshole to her, it’s not something she should expect. Go live your best life with or without her.

My suggestion is look into a formal separation and go screw your brains out. If you miss her, take her back. If not move on without her

In regard to the MC telling you to be happy she chose you.....this was posted years ago on this forum as a response to that exact sediment....

“You chose me? Gee, thanks a whole heck of a lot for that. So instead of leaving me so that you could be with someone who was just as big of a scumbag as yourself and so that I could be free to find someone decent who would do right by me, it was sooooo much better for me that you stayed so that I could waste years of my life that I will never get back in order to continue being with a lying cheater who didn't deserve me. Thanks a whole hell of a lot for that since being with a lying cheater is such a freaking awesome prize and an awesome reward for all of my years of loyalty, dedication, love, and sacrifices. Yep, I hit the lying, cheating jackpot when I got to keep such a special prize as you. Thanks a whole hell of a lot for not leaving me so that you could keep sucking the life and joy out of me. I really appreciate that.”

I agree with Watiedwaytoolong......

look into a formal separation and go screw your brains out. If you miss her, take her back. If not move on without her

See what’s out there. You may find a new partner to be a better investment of your time and energy than your WW.