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Why do I care if he becomes successful after this or if he finds someone younger and more beautiful? Why do I care if my daughter wants to live with him more than me? Why does this bother me so much that it keeps me up at night and makes me lose focus of my own life?

I don't want him back and I don't want to be back there. I want to move past this feeling. I know he won't ever magically become a good person. I know he'll treat the next woman with the same contempt he gave me. He will nitpick her to death (geeeze I hated that).

So why does it bother me if his life becomes better than when I left it? I need a lobotomy seriously

Why do I care if he becomes successful after this or if he finds someone younger and more beautiful?

You shouldn't. Not your monkey, not your circus.

Why do I care if my daughter wants to live with him more than me?

This should concern you. Do you want your daughter around that asshole all of time? Believe me, it sucks when you kids are with a terrible person most of their lives.

That said, you can be a GREAT parent even if you are with her only some of the time. I am 18 months into my current parenting schedule and my kids are starting to figure out that life with Dad is pretty damn good.

Why does this bother me so much that it keeps me up at night and makes me lose focus of my own life?

Because you have suffered trauma and trauma will fuck you up. You are human. Go easy on yourself.

(this is also where I used marijuana to give me a much-needed mini-vacation from my own thoughts... and it helped me get to sleep).

I don't want him back and I don't want to be back there. I want to move past this feeling.

My suggestion would be to focus on yourself and rebuilding your life. What do you want to be doing in 6 months? A year? 5 years?

So why does it bother me if his life becomes better than when I left it?

Because you are a loving, caring person and you have fundamental difficulty understanding what he did. That means that you are a good person, remember that.

Agree with barcher.

When I was at the stage you were, I had to constantly remind myself that the best revenge is a well-lived life. He had to become irrelevant to me. I didn't care if some random guy had a partner when I was single, or if some random guy made more money than me, and I needed to get to the point where I didn't care about him either.

And I figured the only way I could get there was by creating a wonderful new life for myself. It wasn't always easy and there were times when I backslid, comparing myself to him (or at least what I imagined his life might be like) but I'd try to snap myself back into focusing on me.

Spend your energy on you. What can you do to increase your and your kids' happiness? He needs to become irrelevant (so much easier said than done, I know!)

I think you are doing this but try to NC as much as you possibly can. This includes learning about what he is doing if you don't need to know (say for your kids' safety).

You've got this, and I'm so excited for the life you are building for yourself. In a year or three you won't even remember how terrible it feels now. You will reread posts you wrote here and not recognize yourself because you will be a stronger, happier person. You've got this!

Define better. More $. More toys. More stuff.

Doesn’t keep you warm at night. Doesn’t hold your hand snd comfort you in your time of need. Doesn’t fulfill you or provide emotional support.

He may look happy. Doesn’t mean he is happy.

Because you have suffered trauma and trauma will fuck you up. You are human. Go easy on yourself.

^^^agree

You care because you hurt. It will take time to recover from this. I don’t know from experience, as you know, but I believe it to be true.

He is the same person. You are likely witnessing him from a distant now, so he appears as if life is better. Appears but isn’t. You know better than anyone his true colours hiding beneath the pretend act. Don’t fall for it, it isn’t true. He is used to living a double life and pretending so may seem he has it all together, even in your children’s eyes. He won’t show his pain the same honest way that we do. You are smarter, wiser and healthier now though. You will continue to grow. I believe in you. You will get through this and I sure flippin hope I’m right behind you!!

I don’t have teenagers yet but I wouldn’t take it personal. They will see for themselves the truth. Stay your course and when you are with them be as present as you can be. You don’t need $ to create memories and fun times together.

You’re not losing CBS, you are winning...I hope it starts to feel that way soon. No lobotomy required. Just more healing.

((CBS)))

You are coming out of a lifetime of abuse. You don't just uninstall those buttons your abuser put on you. Wish it was that easy, but it isn't.

Don't make yourself crazy. Have faith that Karma will knock on his door in spectacular fashion. While things may seem hunky dory, don't believe it for a second. He just found a new victim for the time being.

Feel your feels, know why you feel them, and then be done w/ them for the time being.

Your DD will learn what a piece of garbage he is, and it will probably be sooner than later.

Thank you these posts helped me get through a bad moment. Guess this is kind of like growing pains. This isn't weighing on me heavily today and glad I got these thoughts out there and your feedback was invaluable.

Since I had to move to an apartment and could only afford a 2 bedroom, my son has his own room and me and her were supposed to share bed but she preferred sleeping on the couch (which originally I was going to do). Any ways she just told me today she doesn't know if she even wants to stay with me and it just ripped my heart out.

You posted this in an earlier thread a about your current living situation and your daughter. I don't think you're losing your daughter to your ex. IMHO although I understand giving the bedroom to your son a 17 year old girl also needs her privacy.

If the choice is between the options above or alternatively sleeping in her own bed I can see why she made her choice. You've also stated in the past she's close to her dad so it's not as if she'd be in danger staying. I have to be honest, if I think back to me at that age I would make the same choice.

Now I'm not downplaying the effort your making and everything you've achieved. It's amazing how far you've come this year, especially during the pandemic. I just think you need to change your tactics when dealing with your daughter. Think what you can do together regularly, mother-daughter dates, shopping, getting your nails done, movies, restaurants etc (when it's safe to do so). At the moment have her over for lunch or dinner, spend quality time with during the day to keep the bond strong.

I feel your pain, it sucks to be here.

Totally normal to feel this way.

I try to just focus on today at the moment and not worry too much about the future (I know, easier said than done). I remind myself periodically that there are over 7,000,000,000 people in the world and I can’t worry about the happiness of one of them who is not me.

Try not to worry about the things you can't control.

I'm with you...I also

want to move past this feeling

I'm doing my best to look forward to a life without infidelity.

This kind of stuff has kept all of us up at night at some point. Thankfully, it gets better.

When I was a teen and my mom left my abusive dad, I stayed with my dad because he was not paying attention. He was lenient. He wasn't on me about chores and such as much as my mom. He was in a good mood because sociopath's really don't worry about crap. But once I left for college, I fully realized what an abusive nut he was and I maintained a wide berth from him, while my mom and got closer and closer - not that we weren't close through out.

Kids are a bit mercenary - so her own room or good toys or money might be enough to sway her right now. That won't last.

You're doing fine. It's hard and some days/nights suck.

Oh, had to add, I too think about how he's going to pair up with some younger, pretty, better employed woman. I don't expect he can change his ways but I wonder if, unlike me, she'll remain oblivious to his carrying on and they'll live happily ever after. That thought bugs me a lot.

[This message edited by skeetermooch at 4:57 PM, January 22nd (Friday)]

Spend your energy on you. What can you do to increase your and your kids' happiness

?

I like this. I second this.

My ex is apparently making money hand over fist (he's just started building a big fancy new house on the lake and his LOT cost more than my whole house), but he's still the same swirling tornado of drama and chaos that he's always been, so I'm gonna sit in my modest home and drive my 7-year-old car and try not to compare. I DO worry that my kids will prefer being at daddy's big fancy house, but all I can do is try to make our home a peaceful refuge since I know his house will be a big fancy expensive mess. With daddy and his fiance/wife/whatever she is by then breaking up and getting back together every other month. No thanks. From the outside he looks way more successful than I do, but I've never been more miserable than when I was living in our own big fancy impressive house. I'll take peace any day. Let your ex date hot women, make money, whatever. He's still the same toxic sludge on the inside.

I just read about the situation with your daughter. I'm sorry. That really is hard and I understand why that is tearing you up. I don't think she's choosing him over you though. Its pure logistics. But I'm sorry. Huge hugs mama.

Sounds like human nature / curiosity. But wondering all the what ifs won't change anything and could be a distraction from things you should be doing. Have you considered some IC just to work through all the issues surrounding the situation?

I have been in IC for years. Right now it's every other week. I am slowly feeling worn out and am beginning to not care one way or another what he does with his life. I just want him to stop contacting me as I slip into a depression every time he does it.

For me, its the time spent with him that makes me feel this way. I worked while i was in grad school to put us BOTH through school ... i did so much for this man emotionally, physically (moved states without him so he could study for the Bar exam years ago)

And forgave him so many things!

Someone told me what it is called (cost ratio??? Im forgetting the name...). But you put so much time into something and you feel badly giving up.

For me, I think... if i stay 6 more months he’ll be raking in the dough! Ive put in so much time and effort on him, dont quit now! If you do, he’ll start making lots of money and a cute 20 something will latch on to him!

I was right where you are. Trying to be civilised but secretly being resentful that everything seemed to be going his way. And then slowly but surely, I stopped caring. Just like that.

I think it’s just a phase to be honest. You are still rebuilding your life and it seems that everything is being served to him on a silver platter....where’s the justice in that?

But you are the one who got to leave with their conscience intact. The one with a truly clean slate. The one who doesn’t have to fear difficult questions from your kids one day. And btw, if your daughter is a teenager, take it from me: they blurt things out for maximum emotional impact but very rarely it’s more than skin deep.

Phmh is right: the best revenge is to live well, and before you know it, it will have become the new normal for you.

Hugs

[This message edited by Karmafan at 6:29 AM, February 17th (Wednesday)]