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Sex after divorce

Gottagetthrough posted 1/16/2021 08:11 AM

I have only been with WH. We were college sweethearts. He had only been with me for sex until 2009 when he started his first affair. (had oral sex with other women in highschool/ first years of college before we met)

For years he has made fun of my body. I am 5 ft tall abd had a 10 lb baby; baby 1 was also very overdue. Therefore- huge belly, lots of stretch marks, hanging skin.

8 pregnancies, 3 big babies, over 40 years old...

I feel like i am not going to be desirable for anyone.

I can lose the baby weight, do exercises to close my diastasis recti (i currently look 5 mos pregnant bc my belly is huge) and look nice with clothes on... but i feel like once i have a new relationship, i dont want anyone to see my disgusting stomach.

I trusted my husband, father if my kids, and he has said i need surgery, im disgusting, i need 2 pews for my fat ass at church..

What would someone else say?

I hust want someone smart that i can talk to. Someone who thinks im great and will do things for me that make me happy. Id donthings to make him happy, too. Build each other up. Wh purposely does things to upset me.

I just feel like all men are like my wh. Selfish, abusive, skirt chasers. I have no relationship other than wh so i dont know that good men exist.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 8:14 AM, January 16th (Saturday)]

BentandBroken posted 1/16/2021 09:21 AM

Oh my friend! It may seem hard to believe right now, but when you find the right guy, this will be a non issue for him. Mature men understand we have our battle scars from pregnancy and they honor them as they honor us. Being mentally healthy and confident are much more attractive qualities. And if you can't manage confidence just yet, you now have time to experiment with flirty bedroom wear which covers the parts that make you uncomfortable and allow you to feel sexy.

Queen posted 1/16/2021 10:42 AM

Your ex was an immature jerk. Mature men do not care about things like that. If you meet someone who says something negative about your body, then they are not worth your time. Kick them out of your bed, your life, your house, your car....wherever they happen to be at the time. Do not let them couch it into a sentence that sounds supportive, kind or helpful....it's cruelty and abuse no matter what it sounds like. You will be shocked at how empowered you feel standing up for yourself.

Also, trust me, men have body issues, too. Their bodies are not perfect but OMG, they are beautiful and snuggly and feel so darn good.

Cooley2here posted 1/16/2021 11:26 AM

This is abuse. Emotional abuse is just as damaging if not more so than physical abuse. You need to tune him and his horrible mouth out. Iíll bet he does not look like a movie star. Most of us donít. Never, never let another person tell you who you are. Youíre a human being. Youíre a mother. You have dignity. He sure doesnít. Heís a nematode

Ripped62 posted 1/16/2021 12:07 PM

What would someone else say?
I would say that your wayward husband insults and abuses you because he cannot face who and what he is. He should be cherishing and loving you!

Our bodies change as we age and experience life. You are beautiful.

aprilfool1985 posted 1/16/2021 13:04 PM

Your husband needs an adult to manage his household, because he does not have the skills to do it.

He is using the ďwomen should only have sex with one manĒ myth to keep you attached. He is abusing you by comparing your body, to keep you buying into the sunk cost fallacy, so that you will keep managing his household.

Also, after your diastasis recti resolves, the large one-pound hula hoop is good for firming up the lower abdominal muscles. So many of the physical changes related to childbearing are involuntary, and so many people think of those changes as some sort of moral failing on the motherís part.

Please grey-rock him as much as possible.

Tallgirl posted 1/17/2021 17:26 PM

Gottage,

Are you still with him? He sure does not deserve you.

Let me share. A friend of mine just met her second love. She is giddy. She is thrilled. She is happy. She is 46 and over 250 pounds. Before she met her boyfriend you should have seen the men she dated. My mouth always dropped at their pictures.

After my experience, I am bruised and my confidence took a huge hit. I am 55 and not thin. And I get a lot of interest on online dating sites. I was floored.

So donít be down on yourself. Your wh is just a mean jerk.

Lots of men would be interested in you.

barcher144 posted 1/18/2021 07:32 AM

I feel like i am not going to be desirable for anyone.

I think that you would be pleasantly surprised by what is out there.

I can lose the baby weight, do exercises to close my diastasis recti (i currently look 5 mos pregnant bc my belly is huge) and look nice with clothes on... but i feel like once i have a new relationship, i dont want anyone to see my disgusting stomach.

Have you seen a doctor about this? It might also involve a legitimate medical issue.

Prior to D-day, STBXW wanted to get a breast augmentation (she is naturally flat-chested) and a tummy-tuck (from pregnancy issues). After the surgery, the doctor reported that her stomach muscles had separated more than 10 centimeters. Meaning, although she wanted the tummy-tuck for cosmetic reasons, it actually was needed for quality of life reasons too (her posture improved, etc).

Anyway... just a thought...

skeetermooch posted 1/18/2021 09:19 AM

Your husband is a dirt ball. Anyone who would talk to the mother of his children about the effects of pregnancy on her body in this way is abusive. He wants you to feel low so you'll stay with him - plain and simple.

Men don't care about bellies - that's a marketing myth designed to keep women feeling bad about themselves so we'll buy all the products that promise to fix us. Men like women - happy, confidant women - they really aren't that picky about the physical particulars. Trust me on this. Be happy and focus on you and you'll attract many men when the time is right.

[This message edited by skeetermooch at 9:19 AM, January 18th (Monday)]

JanaGreen posted 1/18/2021 15:54 PM

Just a guess, but I'm betting 80% of the mean shit your ex said to you he didn't even actually mean, it was simply a way to keep,your self-esteem low so you'd be easier to control. That's what mine did, anyway.

I definitely have a mom bod, complete with mom tummy, and my boyfriend acts like I'm the sexiest thing on two feet. And my ex-husband is now with a woman who's lovely, but every bit as mom-bod as me. Probably puts her down too, but clearly he chose her so he actually does like that look.
They are full of shit, don't waste a minute worrying about what your dumbass ex said. He's just a mean little jerk.

EllieKMAS posted 1/18/2021 16:10 PM

Gotta, your stbxwh is a douche deluxe with extra stinky cheese and he wouldn't know beautiful if it bit him in the dick. What a fucking tool. I just don't even have a word bad enough for him and all the vile and horrendously abusive shit he has done to you is inexcusable. FUCK THAT GUY.

YOU are amazing and loving and compassionate and gorgeous, inside and out! Do the work you need to to get your confidence back and wear your battle scars proudly. Your body has grown and delivered actual tiny humans... that is miraculous and beautiful and anyone who doesn't think so has shit for brains and can fuck right off.

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