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My wife cheated on me with her coworker. What now

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MrFlibble posted 4/14/2021 14:09 PM

I am trying, but it's not easy. We haven't had a fight in few weeks, no big blow-out or anything. We are getting on very well on a daily basis actually. I don't feel the need to cut her out of my life right now. But that doesn't mean we are a lovey-dovey couple, not at all. The only exception was the night her dad told her, she slept in our bed that night but nothing hapenned.


I had a few sessions with my new IC, he's really good, but I was basicaly told I have my head where it should be and we can continue if I want, but he doesn't see an immediate need for a weekly counseling.

Sceadugenga posted 4/14/2021 14:16 PM

I had a few sessions with my new IC, he's really good, but I was basicaly told I have my head where it should be and we can continue if I want, but he doesn't see an immediate need for a weekly counseling.

This is very, very good news.

Sufi22 posted 4/14/2021 14:50 PM

I had a few sessions with my new IC, he's really good, but I was basicaly told I have my head where it should be and we can continue if I want, but he doesn't see an immediate need for a weekly counseling.

Long time lurker. I haven't yet posted my story but I have followed your path from the beginning. I agree with your IC. You are making the decisions that work for you. You are managing your relationship and personal recovery as best you can. Keep going...

merrmeade posted 4/15/2021 02:08 AM


I had a few sessions with my new IC, he's really good, but I was basicaly told I have my head where it should be and we can continue if I want, but he doesn't see an immediate need for a weekly counseling.

Hi Mr. Flibble. I posted in your original thread somewhere else but just wanted to comment about stopping the IC. My son did this, too, after his divorce because he also had his 'head where it should be.' I felt like in his case - and wonder if it's similar for you - that maybe that was the therapist's answer to the question he was asked. There might have been other things the IC said, but that was the confirmation my son was looking for, so that' the only thing he remembered and repeated. I was so disappointed because there are other ways you benefit from IC than just treating a recent wound.
There's no arguing that with a divorce, separation or betrayal like yours - or any other trauma - whatever damage and pain you experience is something that takes place in the context of your life, your character, your other life experiences. All that past coalesced at that moment and the result was a changed you. Your whole past was part of how you reacted and there's still gold to mine in 'them thar hills.'
Seeing a good therapist is part therapy, part friendship, part student/teacher relationship. Whenever you talk, stuff presents itself from your life and always you free yourself of other unfinished business besides the recent blow. It surprises you. Even if you have a plan or agenda you can't plan for the sudden insights and resolutions.
You didn't react to your wife's treachery in a vacuum. It would be worth your while to keep working, especially since you only just met the new person, right? My strong recommendation. You won't really get it fully until you do it. Just think about it, ok?

tushnurse posted 4/15/2021 08:49 AM

As far as the IC goes...I get it. I went once after Dday and laid put my thoughts plans and expectations. He reinforced that it was sensible fair and I was on track.

But....BUT....know you still have grieving of the M to do and healing of the betrayal. Don't just assume you are good to go. There's lots of stuff to still work through.

Westway posted 4/15/2021 10:11 AM

I am trying, but it's not easy. We haven't had a fight in few weeks, no big blow-out or anything. We are getting on very well on a daily basis actually. I don't feel the need to cut her out of my life right now

This is nice, but it won't last. It is not sustainable. Eventually she will plant her feet and demand you make a choice. Better to choose a direction now than later, before your lives are even more entrenched and entwined than they already are.

grubs posted 4/15/2021 10:31 AM

This is nice, but it won't last. It is not sustainable.

This. The drama storm will kick back up as the divorce draws nearer, the FIL passes, and when she is forced to move out. Especially if she passes the poly.
You've been in a pretty good place mentally from the start consider what you are dealing with, so the IC telling you that isn't surprising. Don't count out needing to check back in as things evolve. There's going to be some rather significant emotional events in your next six months that will likely set you back and you might need some help working through it.

[This message edited by grubs at 10:32 AM, April 15th (Thursday)]

MrFlibble posted 4/15/2021 11:40 AM

I do plan on continuing IC, but I simply won't make it a priority. I spoke with a poly guy and we settled on 4-6 yes/no questions so I will have to work on that.

We had a minor argument this morning, because my W somehow found out some of my friends are trying to set me up with this one girl and she went mental. Not good

MrFlibble posted 4/15/2021 11:48 AM

Also, I am pretty sure it's against the rules here, but I can't help but to share with you this gem I received in a PM

Been following your thread and you seem dead set on digging the moat deeper - Let the poor woman go - you have punished her enough.

and go to some kind of counseling for your ego and expectation of perfection from others

Humans muff up - your wife did so but did so little compared to what she could have done.

Again - when you go NC with her she can begin to heal.

You will heal when you let go of "your hurt"

WTH is wrong with some people.

grubs posted 4/15/2021 11:50 AM

We had a minor argument this morning, because my W somehow found out some of my friends are trying to set me up with this one girl and she went mental. Not good

In her mind, she still sees R after D on the table. She's just being patient and bidding her time. She's still very attached to you and sees you together in the end and will likely be so for years to come regardless of what you say or do. You, on the other hand, have started to detach and are looking at the future with out her. That's why we're telling you the drama is going to explode in the near future.

grubs posted 4/15/2021 11:52 AM

WTH is wrong with some people.

Reach out to a mod. Abuse isn't tolerated whether on the forums or in DMs.

steadychevy posted 4/15/2021 13:06 PM

Someone afraid to post that in this thread in this forum, MrFlibble. Afraid because whoever DM'd you knew what the reaction to the statements would be.

Sceadugenga posted 4/15/2021 13:23 PM

WTH is wrong with some people.

Most probably a lurking WS frustrated that their attempts at R were unsuccessful or they were never even given a chance.

guvensiz posted 4/15/2021 13:52 PM

I spoke with a poly guy and we settled on 4-6 yes/no questions so I will have to work on that.

How will the test method be? After the questions are asked and answered, will they just tell whether she has passed or not? Or will they again ask the questions that she hasn't passed (after the result was told to her of course) and see if she has passed this time?

MrFlibble posted 4/15/2021 14:41 PM

grubsI guess you are right. She asked me today if I will take her back when (not if!) she passes the poly.

No idea what I would do if she passes. But she's either the best manipulator in the world and has something up her sleeve or she's telling the truth regarding her A because I see no hesitation or anxiety when it comes to the poly. She even offered to do again if I am not satisfied with result.

I tried to put those questions together but it turned out to be a massive trigger. Mind movies (haven't had those in a while) and all that came back. So I will do it over this weekend.

MrFlibble posted 4/15/2021 14:45 PM

How will the test method be

Questions asked in random order, every question asked three times. The results should be in 24-48 hours and we will get them through mail

[This message edited by MrFlibble at 2:45 PM, April 15th (Thursday)]

Booyah posted 4/15/2021 14:53 PM

The person who sent you that PM is a COWARD!!!!!!

grubs posted 4/15/2021 15:21 PM

No idea what I would do if she passes. But she's either the best manipulator in the world and has something up her sleeve or she's telling the truth regarding her A because I see no hesitation or anxiety when it comes to the poly. She even offered to do again if I am not satisfied with result.

That would have been a good topic of conversation with your IC. I've was at 50/50 on whether the last dump was the complete truth when you posted it. There are always missed details of the whole truth even in WS with the best intentions, so call it the functional truth. I'm starting to lean towards, 70% to 80%, you already having most of the functional details. I don't think your WW is delusional enough to expect to pass a LD test if there was PIV involved. I know you were closer to 99% that there's more to know. Whether you can live with that truth or not is something you need to be prepared to handle. It's ok if that answer is still D and permanent separation, but you should be prepared to convince her that you are still done.

I tried to put those questions together but it turned out to be a massive trigger. Mind movies (haven't had those in a while) and all that came back. So I will do it over this weekend.

Make it easy on yourself. You only get a few questions so make them the stuff that really matters.
Did you have sexual intercourse, whether PIV or oral, with anyone but Mr. F while married that you have not already disclosed?
Is your revised timeline complete, accurate and inclusive of any physical activity of a sexual nature with anyone other than Mr F while you were married?
What else would you need to know that might have an impact in your mind?

[This message edited by grubs at 3:36 PM, April 15th (Thursday)]

ramius posted 4/15/2021 15:58 PM

Been following your thread and you seem dead set on digging the moat deeper - Let the poor woman go - you have punished her enough.
and go to some kind of counseling for your ego and expectation of perfection from others

Humans muff up - your wife did so but did so little compared to what she could have done.

Again - when you go NC with her she can begin to heal.

You will heal when you let go of "your hurt"

WTH is wrong with some people.

I believe the scientific term is defensius of thy ladyist.....aka.....

[This message edited by ramius at 4:00 PM, April 15th (Thursday)]

guvensiz posted 4/15/2021 16:07 PM

I asked the test method to see whether you would have the opportunity to learn the whole truth.

As far as I understand, if there is a question she fails to pass (after asked 3 times), they will not continue until they learn the truth and will simply report that she failed the test. So if she fails the test, you may have to struggle with another TT situation until a new polygraph test is done.

I can feel how weary this process is for you, and I sincerely hope that there will be a conclusion that will end it.

[This message edited by guvensiz at 4:12 PM, April 15th (Thursday)]

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