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My wife cheated on me with her coworker. What now

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Dignitas posted 1/12/2021 11:45 AM

Best of luck as you pursue the course you’ve chosen Fibble. I can empathize with the way mental movies of a wayward partner’s actions simply change how you see them on a fundamental level. That’s what did it for me too. There’s an awesome partnership with someone who appreciates you waiting for you after this, and you can take your sweet time finding it.

Dismayed2012 posted 1/12/2021 21:16 PM

I fully understand Fibble. The mind movies are hellish. It takes a long time to overcome them. I wish the best for you.

MrFlibble posted 1/13/2021 03:45 AM

It's been really horrible since I told her, she's getting more and more desperate every time we talk, begging me to reconsider and to give her more time. She offered a separation for few months but I told her I don't think it would change anything. She even asked me if it would help if I cheated on her. It's so messed up.

But I just can't do this anymore. I tried to go through what next steps should be, but she completely shuts down every time and it just ends up in a complete meltdown. So I will give her some time to process this. Divorce petition is ready but I think I can give it few weeks before we file.

We try to keep a happy face in front of kids but I can see how she's hurting and I am dying to hold her and tell her it will be alright but I don't want to give her any kind of false hope.

Why the hell do I fell like an ass for putting her through this when it's her doing.


MorbidCuriosity posted 1/13/2021 05:13 AM

Healing starts after a true separation. When there is nothing at stake amongst one another. No more feeling like she is staying for the lifestyle, attention, money, love, physical or anything emotional. Nothing. Only the absence or possibly presence of love (But whahehey down the road).

Divorce is not an end all be all. It gives you time to re-balance what is in your life. Currently the scale is skewed heavily towards the cheater. You need to take care of yourself first and THEN the kids. Get some semblance of normalcy in your daily life without the anxiety of being betrayed, the pain of being lied to and the confusion of not knowing.

Get through with the divorce. You will never know what comes after and that is a scary thing. But you do know you wont get cheated again, you wont get lied to again, and you wont get gaslit again. That in itself is something you can look forward to.

Step by step. We are conditioned to get better with time. We have to.

DanielJK posted 1/13/2021 06:50 AM

Why the hell do I fell like an ass for putting her through this when it's her doing.

It’s a strange phenomenon that the BS may feel guilt.

Seems to come in the form of guilt for not seeing the infidelity coming…guilt for not doing more or not doing something different before/after the infidelity (not saying it’s right, not saying infidelity is the fault of the BS in any way here, but some feel guilty nonetheless)…, or guilt in the form of ending the relationship like you’re feeling.

You have to be happy. We all have our limits and it sounds like yours have been reached. You should be proud. You have values, conviction, and loyalty. No matter which way you go from here, the number one goal is to get out of infidelity. Good job at doing that.

And the cheating on her offer. My wife said to me “you can see other people if you want.” My whole world is crumbling around me, but sure why not…I’ll just magically start a new relationship. The sick, twisted mind of a wayward.

jb3199 posted 1/13/2021 07:03 AM

Why the hell do I fell like an ass for putting her through this when it's her doing.

Because she is hurting.
Because you still have feelings for her. They don't just turn off.
Because you were her protector.
Because your human.

In some ways, it would be a lot easier if she was some remorseless, narcissistic monster. But she's not. She is someone you cared for deeply, who betrayed you in a very traumatic way. She's having to face that this betrayal was a marriage-ending act, and she is still coming to grips with this.

paco2000 posted 1/13/2021 07:48 AM

What a tragic outcome and for what???

Wish the best for you.

Tigersrule77 posted 1/13/2021 07:53 AM

I am dying to hold her and tell her it will be alright

This is why you should start the 180. It will help you disconnect and prevent your emotions from manipulating you. And from what you have written, I think it is very likely your WW will try to use your emotions to "give her more time".

You are not doing anything wrong by choosing D. You are choosing what you need in order to heal and move on from the A. It doesn't include your WW. That is not your fault. Your WW created this situation. She doesn't like the consequences of her actions. You are not responsible for her reaction to your decision.

Westway posted 1/13/2021 11:42 AM

The very fact she offered you a revenge affair shows you how ill-equipped your WW is for reconciliation.

You know, you could ask her to go ahead with the divorce, separate, and then the two of you could go to IC and couples counseling, and then maybe after a year or two of showing you that she really wants to win you back and regain her family through her actions, the two of you could start dating.

Maybe this would work: make her prove herself by giving up the marriage she killed, and then maybe in the future you two could live together again as partners. And you could even tell her up front that there would be no re-marriage... only that the two of you maybe could live together as partners again, but there would be nothing legally binding. So, if she cheats again in the future, you can just bail.

MrFlibble posted 1/13/2021 12:38 PM

Healing starts after a true separation. When there is nothing at stake amongst one another. No more feeling like she is staying for the lifestyle, attention, money, love, physical or anything emotional. Nothing. Only the absence or possibly presence of love (But whahehey down the road).
Divorce is not an end all be all. It gives you time to re-balance what is in your life. Currently the scale is skewed heavily towards the cheater. You need to take care of yourself first and THEN the kids. Get some semblance of normalcy in your daily life without the anxiety of being betrayed, the pain of being lied to and the confusion of not knowing.

Get through with the divorce. You will never know what comes after and that is a scary thing. But you do know you wont get cheated again, you wont get lied to again, and you wont get gaslit again. That in itself is something you can look forward to.

She's been looking for new place for some time now, but the market's horrific here. Not many offers. She already offered to put the house in my name only (it's 50/50 now) but I can't accept that, I would feel like a jerk taking away from her this kind of money (~500k USD). I offered to get a mortgage and buy her an appartement in exchange but she told me today she doesn't want to move anywhere away from me. It was again very emotional as expected.

She asked me few weeks back to not close the door on her even if we divorce and I am not. But I think real separation might help us but as I said, she doesn't want that.

This is why you should start the 180. It will help you disconnect and prevent your emotions from manipulating you. And from what you have written, I think it is very likely your WW will try to use your emotions to "give her more time".

I don't think she's trying to manipulate me. She's just very broken and desperately trying to find a way how to keep me. I know she's as hurt as I am

The very fact she offered you a revenge affair shows you how ill-equipped your WW is for reconciliation.

No, she's just desperate and throwing ideas left and right. We cleared that up, there is absolutely no way a revenge affair will happen, ever.

I told her few weeks after DDay that our marriage is dead and she killed it. She offered me a divorce and basicaly asked for a fresh start, which means few months of separation and to see where we are on a possibility of starting to slowly built a new future together. We have small kids, so we are going to be in everyday contact regardles, which sucks a little.

On any possility of future marriage - No, not gonna happen. I don't see myself ever getting married again. But it might be my bitter side talking, it's all still pretty fresh.

MrFlibble posted 1/13/2021 12:40 PM

In some ways, it would be a lot easier if she was some remorseless, narcissistic monster. But she's not. She is someone you cared for deeply, who betrayed you in a very traumatic way. She's having to face that this betrayal was a marriage-ending act, and she is still coming to grips with this.

God, this is horrible. And true

I am crying like a little bitch again

Westway posted 1/13/2021 14:02 PM

Damn. I thought you guys would be one of the few success stories. I hate it when any marriage goes kablooey.

I'm recanting what I said before, but I went back and reado ver the whole thread again. Look I never tried R with my xWW, so I can't really say I have the right to tell you what to do. But after divorcing a WW who was probably one of the biggest serial cheaters in the last century, it is my opinion that you are throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

There are ways to get the mind movies out and reestablish a good sex life with your WW. Sex coaching, more intense therapy, EDMR... I suggest you look into these before throwing in the towel.

[This message edited by Westway at 2:06 PM, January 13th (Wednesday)]

Dignitas posted 1/13/2021 14:31 PM

I wholeheartedly disagree with Westway, who seems to have completely reversed his opinion in less than a day.

I think there are two kinds of men on this forum. Men who didn't struggle with women when they were younger and know there is a future for them, and men who think their WW is the best they can ever do and can't even fathom being single again. You can tell who is who quite easily by how fast they jump at the idea of R.

You strike me as the former, or at the very least, a man who knows deep down that he deserves better. As I've already said, there's a future with someone loyal out there for you, regardless of whether you are married again or not.

As I have been saying continuously lately, nobody on this forum is lucky. A lot of people are projecting. Example: "my WW was the most evil cheating bitch of the century so if yours has any remorse you are lucky." You're not lucky. Your wife betrayed you in the worst possible way, and IT'S OK FOR THAT TO BE A DEALBREAKER.

You don't have to spend the rest of your life with a woman who betrayed you. You don't have to spend years and years in therapy trying to heal just so you can look at her the same way again. You can just move on. You'll still need time to heal, but the potential reward isn't damaged goods.

[This message edited by Dignitas at 2:34 PM, January 13th (Wednesday)]

Talisman posted 1/13/2021 14:53 PM

I must be missing something. She did not sleep with him (which would have been a dealbreaker for you, I understand). So why the sudden push towards D when she is doing and saying all the right things?

leftbroken posted 1/13/2021 15:52 PM

I don't comment often but for what ever reason I felt the need to on this one.

I'm normally the one that say's its over and truth be told I'm very much a red pill kinda guy. Most of my experiences with friends has shown that once a separation happens there is no going back, and frankly that's because most guys find out they are happier on their own than they are married so what I say doesn't come from any position of fear of being alone or anything like that, but I'm with Westway and Talisman on this one.

Yes any sort of cheating is absolutely wrong and to many it's a deal breaker if sex has happened. In this case it didn't, and while what she did was wrong, she stopped it before it crossed that ultimate line. There is no question that what she did was egregious but I like to think that if there was any case that was salvageable on this sight, its this one.

Right now the wounds are raw and the emotions are fresh, IC is a must for many reasons but if there is a desire to work it out I don't think that is a goal that's out of reach.

I read a story about a guy that went through something similar, caught wife at the early stages of an affair, a little romance, handholding and some kissing but nothing more. he was very quick to pull the trigger on D and in full disclosure he was happier for it but it came out later that he hadn't been happy for years and his wife gave him an out that he jumped on. He admitted to himself and everyone else later on that it wasn't the deal breaker he made it out to be and that he just used it as an excuse to end things that he knew wasn't good. He commented that had things been good he would have been able to get over it but they weren't so he pulled the trigger and used it as the catalyst.

a lot of people say wait for a while and let the emotions settle before making decisions, I'm usually the one that figures its a waste of time waiting, once a cheat always a cheat. I think this is a case where a little cooling off time would be in order. ultimately it will be you that decides if you want to go that direction or not but in this case taking a little time to let the emotions settle won't hurt.

And before everybody roasts me, its just my opinion and yes, I am entitled to one.

ChamomileTea posted 1/13/2021 17:50 PM

I told her few weeks after DDay that our marriage is dead and she killed it. She offered me a divorce and basicaly asked for a fresh start, which means few months of separation and to see where we are on a possibility of starting to slowly built a new future together. We have small kids, so we are going to be in everyday contact regardles, which sucks a little.

If you're certain you want a divorce, my advice would be to tell her again. Tell her that you have no intention of getting back together, that you don't love her, and that the split is a permanent one. Might sound callous, but it's kinder in the long run. That way, she can make real plans for moving on with her life.

I don't think that you're being realistic in terms of "everyday contact". If you're setting your WW free, she needs to BE free. And so do you. That means NOT being in each other's grill on a daily basis. There are loads of ideas online for setting up an appropriate child custody schedule and parenting apps to keep up with their activities.

I think your WW is genuinely remorseful, but the bottom line is that everyone has their line in the sand. If you're sure you can't go on, best to make a clean break and a fair settlement so your WW doesn't have any illusions about what's happening.

Newlifeisgreat posted 1/13/2021 20:02 PM

Her actions continue to show that it is ALL about her!!!!!

She wants this
She wants that

If she was capable of being a good candidate for R, she would be focusing not her selfishness and what she wants, BUT, what is best FOR YOU!!!!

Yes, she is hurting, but the only person to blame is the woman in the mirror!!

And yes, you are hurting seeing her hurt. But that is because you are a good and caring person. You were her protector, or maybe it is more accurate to say that you were the protector of the woman that originally inhabited her body

One question, when she breaks down and is crying all the time, do you think she is crying because the pain she has inflicted on you and the family, or do you think she is crying for herself and what she has lost???

Don’t allow her tears to manipulate!

You have taken the most difficult step, deciding it is best to
Divorce the cheater. I promise that things will get better. The pain you feel now will diminish. The bad days will decrease in number and intensity, and will come further and further apart. And then there will come THE DAY., the day you realize you have not thought about your ex, her affair, and the pain she inflicted on you. That is the day that you realize that the tiny light you saw at the end of a long and dark tunnel, is now the opening that you are mere feet from walking through into a beautiful warm and sun day.

Good luck and stay strong. And look up 180. It is not a method of getting payback on a cheater. It is a method to help you heal from the pain she inflicted, and help you move forward

[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 8:37 PM, January 13th (Wednesday)]

Newlifeisgreat posted 1/13/2021 20:29 PM

Sorry, double post

[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 8:30 PM, January 13th (Wednesday)]

ramius posted 1/13/2021 21:35 PM

Damn. I thought you guys would be one of the few success stories. I hate it when any marriage goes kablooey.

I'm recanting what I said before, but I went back and reado ver the whole thread again. Look I never tried R with my xWW, so I can't really say I have the right to tell you what to do. But after divorcing a WW who was probably one of the biggest serial cheaters in the last century, it is my opinion that you are throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

There are ways to get the mind movies out and reestablish a good sex life with your WW. Sex coaching, more intense therapy, EDMR... I suggest you look into these before throwing in the towel.

I was just thinking the same thing. You know everybody has their own line in the sand (to me EA's are all fluff and unicorn farts...its the sex that matters...but that's me), and I am not fan of settling for a cheater. But I gotta say, my heart just breaks for you guys.

IMO if ever there was a WW who deserved a shot, its her. Yea I know she is not doing everything right, but who does? Maybe you could give the EMDR a shot?

Buffer posted 1/14/2021 01:23 AM

Brother, focus
Look at the end results. Your W is a very good candidate for R
Please try bigger involved IC to get through the mind moves.
I truly hoped R for you.
Your life your call do what is right for you
Respect ✊
I am sure separation and dating has been suggested but hopefully you both will prevail
One day at a time.

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