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My wife cheated on me with her coworker. What now

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Dude67 posted 3/20/2021 13:01 PM

I think Smolderingdark makes a good point. She hid the burner phone essentially in plain sight. WW very well could have saved it and is currently hiding it not in plain sight. I would ask her again about the burner phone, and casually mention that itís pre and post A status will be a poly question.

faithfulman posted 3/20/2021 13:22 PM

I think Smolderingdark makes a good point. She hid the burner phone essentially in plain sight. WW very well could have saved it and is currently hiding it not in plain sight. I would ask her again about the burner phone, and casually mention that itís pre and post A status will be a poly question.

It should be a polygraph question, but I would not tip her off, because then she might destroy it for real (If she hasn't already) or hide it better.

I would not give her the opportunity to destroy, delete data from, or hide the most revealing piece of the betrayal puzzle.

In this case, I would try to locate it, secretly, and quietly to find out the actual truth, not the "cheater's story".

[This message edited by faithfulman at 1:23 PM, March 20th (Saturday)]

Sharkman posted 3/21/2021 09:26 AM

Under no circumstances do you offer the enemy information. Keep on ruining his life. Karma is a bitch.

Buffer posted 3/21/2021 19:59 PM

Well said Sharkman!
One day at a time.

Darkside67 posted 3/21/2021 21:20 PM

I think the trust is gone. And without trust there is nothing.

GoldenR posted 3/21/2021 22:30 PM

QuitOrNotToQuit - were you talking to Sisoon or the OP?

HellFire posted 3/22/2021 08:12 AM

There's been no comment, since you spent the time alone with her, over the weekend.


What happened?

MrFlibble posted 3/22/2021 14:50 PM

Nothing. I have been busy, I sold my motorcycle today so I had to put it in order over the weekend. Other than that it was pretty uneventhful. STBXW didn't try anything worth mentioning, she asked me once if I would consider separation instead of divorce and I told her no. She didn't bring it up again. I feel like she's trying to stay out of my way now, which is good.

I also spoke with our new realtor this morning, and we decided to find a rental for the time being. It might take a while to find what we have in mind for a buy, so she will rent until then. It's much faster solution. She should be out of the house in a few weeks.

Also, her having another or not destroying her burner phone is the least of my concerns right now. I suspect only feelings she has about her A are not positive in any way, so I doubt she wants to relive that. She's now scared shitless I will find somebody else (told me multiple time last week) and I don't think she would do anything to jeopadize her chances to any kind of future together. And I am feeling great today!

steadychevy posted 3/22/2021 15:29 PM

Interesting, isn't it, how BS, marriage and family become so valuable after discovery when it wasn't during the adultery.

smolderingdark posted 3/22/2021 16:58 PM

She's now scared shitless I will find somebody else (told me multiple time last week) and I don't think she would do anything to jeopadize her chances to any kind of future together. And I am feeling great today!

She has jeopardized her future with you two times already. She will do so again as she has little choice.

1. You caught her in an affair

2. She lied to you during the reconciliation about how involved she was with the other man.
She revealed to you she had a burner phone and was coached on how to conceal the affair.

She will continue to jeopardize any chance she has with you. To reveal the truth, the depth of her betrayal will certainly end any and all chances she still has.

She is damned if she is honest and damned if she conceals and tries to hide what she has done. She will not offer you the truth she will continue to obscure, lie and buy time for herself in the hope she can manipulate you into remaining married.

STBXW didn't try anything worth mentioning, she asked me once if I would consider separation instead of divorce and I told her no.

She will be like a broken record on this point until she gets her way. She will begin to panic and act out the closer you get to the divorce completion date.

[This message edited by smolderingdark at 7:51 AM, March 23rd (Tuesday)]

nekonamida posted 3/22/2021 18:05 PM

She's now scared shitless I will find somebody else (told me multiple time last week) and I don't think she would do anything to jeopadize her chances to any kind of future together. And I am feeling great today!

I agree that she probably is not being unfaithful right now. But I would not put any faith in the idea that she will wait around long after the D starts in hopes that she can win you back. WSes say that they will wait forever and never date again all the time during D and as you can imagine, as difficult as it was for them to stay faithful during M, they're even less likely to during separation.

Director23's WW said over and over again that OM disgusted her, that she wanted nothing to do with him, and that she would only talk to him through lawyers about their baby that she was pregnant with. That lasted mere weeks after Director and her physically separated and even he thought she meant it. Truthfully, we have no idea what your WW will do as soon as she moves out but unless she is sincerely working on herself, the poor coping mechanisms that lead to her having an A will take over quickly.

MrFlibble posted 3/23/2021 08:43 AM

Interesting, isn't it, how BS, marriage and family become so valuable after discovery when it wasn't during the adultery.
Yeah, the difference in her behaviour from last summer and now is so weird. It's like she was someone else back then, only she wasn't.

She will continue to jeopardize any chance she has with you. To reveal the truth, the depth of her betrayal will certainly end any and all chances she still has.
That's what she's afraid of, and partly the reason why she kept lying or not telling me everything. I made it pretty sure that any kind of sexual relation is a dealbreaker. She denies, denies, denies. Is it possible? Maybe. Is it probable? Don't think so. She's just grasping anything she can now, it's almost pathetic.

She will be like a broken record on this point until she gets her way. She will begin to panic and act out the closer you get to the divorce completion date.
I can see that already. I think all that paperwork made it all very real, for both of us.

I am weirdly interested in how long it will take her to find someone else, I doubt it will take long. I expect a few months of trying to get back together until she realizes it's a done deal. I don't know, it will be hard since I still love her, but I will have to find a way how to come to terms with it. Who knows. I do not plan on dating, my friends are already trying to set me up with somebody, but I would rather focus on myself and kids, to give us a little more balance before I start to think about it. How long did it take for your cheating ex to have somebody new?

Also, we got a wedding invitation this morning. It's a wedding of our mutual friends (more her's than mine) that had been postponed a few time due to Covid and it's in August. I don't think they know about our divorce, so it was a little awkward. STBXW asked me if I want to go but I am not sure, I don't want to bring any unnecessary drama into other's life events.

Also people, don't build indoor swimming pools. That shit costs a fortune and breaks ALL THE TIME.

grubs posted 3/23/2021 09:31 AM

Pools always break and cost more than they are worth. Them and boats. Always better to have someone else own them.

You have four options for the wedding. Go with WW. Go with someone else. Go alone. Stay Home. In decreasing order of drama caused though 1 & 2 might be a tossup.

I'd plan on at least a year post D before even considering dating. I also think she'll hold out longer than you think. Unless she really bombs the poly.

Do you think the lack of HB attempts is her coming to terms that you're already done or just finally respecting your need for space?

MrFlibble posted 3/23/2021 10:22 AM

Yeah, I can see only two real options - either go with WW and pretend everything is good, or don't go at all


Do you think the lack of HB attempts is her coming to terms that you're already done or just finally respecting your need for space?
Nah, she makes it very obvious she is interested in any kind of bonding and her offer to "do anything I want" is still very much in play. Tempting, but I don't think it would do either of us any good. It would be great for a while, sure, but that mental hangover would be devastating

Txquail posted 3/23/2021 13:42 PM

smolderingdark
1. You caught her in an affair

Yes he did, I'm convinced that his WW is lying to this day. As an outsider looking in, it appears to be the case.

smolderingdark
2. She lied to you during the reconciliation about how involved she was with the other man.
She revealed to you she had a burner phone and was coached on how to conceal the affair.

This is the part that tells me she's not telling him the whole story. His WW finally admitted he went over to the guys home twice. I would believe it was more than twice as I think she's minimizing.

She got a burner phone and was coached on how to conceal the affair.

Now, I'm not that stupid. But when I was dating around, if a woman willing came to my home for a afternoon and had texts about being sexual. I guarantee you it would have resulted in the horizontal dance.

Now with that said, lets look at the burner phone and being coached on how to conceal the affair. Why in the heck would anyone go thru that much trouble UNLESS the WW was having sex with the OM. WW got scared of getting caught, had the burner phone, and was coached. She wouldn't go through that trouble if they just "Made out" once or twice. I don't buy it. Only way a WW would go through that much trouble if she's gone all the way already.

I think Mr. F needs to do a fully poly and have her go thru it so he can have a sense of knowing the truth.

Again Mr. F (I'm so sorry for you), but I don't believe your WW story at all. Again, no one will go buy a burner phone, go to someones home, get coached on how to lie, UNLESS they were already having a physical affair.

MickeyBill2016 posted 3/23/2021 14:48 PM

Maybe go to the ceremony and skip the reception. That way you are there for the important part but miss out on the party where you would need to put on the happy face and act like a couple.

Weddings are very emotional events for people on the edge of divorce. Add in drinking and having to talk to friends about everything except your situation it will be a tough time. Good chance that Mrs Flibble will end up sobbing in the corner of the coatroom saying how she ruined your marriage...

Or just answer 100% honestly when someone says, " Hey, what's new with the Flibbles?"

faithfulman posted 3/23/2021 16:48 PM

1) Wedding is in August
2) The Friends are more her side than yours

Equals...


A) Skip the wedding
B) Send a gift

***

In my opinion, she ended the relationship without telling you, no matter her plan to have her cake and eat it too.

Going to the wedding with her is the same as you helping her cover her affair.

Let her go and deal with explaining why you are not there

You're planning to divorce. Don't plan to do things with her in the future.

newlife03 posted 3/23/2021 17:02 PM

Ditto what faithfulman said!

MrFlibble posted 3/24/2021 06:25 AM

Ok, she just sent me a confirmational email for a poly in 5 weeks, could not be done sooner. I have 10 yes/no questions which I need to send them at least a week in advance for their input. I told her it doesn't change anything but she wants to do it anyway. Ideas?

smolderingdark posted 3/24/2021 07:29 AM

She wants you to accompany her to a wedding. Nope. Another opportunity where she will attempt to convince you to stay. You will not benefit in any way from going with her to the wedding.

Polygraph.
What do you have left to lose for her to take the polygraph?
The marriage is over. If she does well and passes the polygraph that won't erase all the damage she has already done. She can't unfuck her affair partner.

One of your questions should be along the line of is she still concealing events and information from you.

Do whatever is in your best interest. Your wife certainly has. You owe her nothing.

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