Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
Wife of 20 yrs caught cheating

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 CM70 (original poster Member #76077) posted at 8:13 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

BlueRas, yes her accountability began to slip with the new counselor which I have no idea in what his specialty even is? At this point I don't even care I am just numb and tired of all the bullshit. She was the one who needed to come to the table to show me that she was still in this, she has not shown me anything but continued disrespect.

posts: 96   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2020
id 8662590
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 CM70 (original poster Member #76077) posted at 8:13 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

[This message edited by CM70 at 2:15 PM, May 25th (Tuesday)]

posts: 96   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2020
id 8662591
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WontBeFooledAgai ( Member #72671) posted at 8:38 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

I'm sorry CM70, but I think your WW's sessions with her "counselor" are a waste of time in regards to your marriage. And her spiel about being back at the beginning because she is going to someone new for her therapy is just malarkey.

Your WW already knows going without her ring is wrong. Your WW already knows that these GNOs getting home way past midnight are wrong--and this is assuming the best case that "nothing" is happening on these GNO which I highly doubt. The problem is that she just is not motivated enough to change her behavior. How is any time in a therapist's office--qualified or not qualified, going to change that.

I am also not seeing how having yet another conversation with your WW is going to fix things, unless it is to tell her that you want D. You will continue to get excuse after excuse after excuse while she stonewalls you to maintain the status quo. You will say it is a cloudy day and a storm is coming she will say no it is perfectly sunny while it rains on your head and no amount of evidence or logic will get through to her. You will drive yourself crazy.

The only way to get yourself out of infidelity is for you to unilaterally pursue D.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 2:44 PM, May 25th (Tuesday)]

posts: 289   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8662602
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BlueRaspberry ( Member #76065) posted at 8:46 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

CM70,

I totally agree with you. She needs to earn reconciliation by showing true remorse and commitment. All she has done is duck and weave to avoid doing the hard work. At this point, you are completely justified in filing for divorce. Just move forward by working with your lawyer and following their advice/guidance.

I'm sorry this happened to you. You seem like a stand-up guy that doesn't deserve this garbage. All the best.

posts: 218   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8662604
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Stevesn ( Member #58312) posted at 8:58 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

Ha! It’s very simple. If she were truly serious about rebuilding what she destroyed, there would be NO nights out with the girls, no bachelorette parties, possibly not even the wedding shower. The ramifications of cheating would eliminate all those things for a truly remorseful WW trying to rebuild and help her BH heal.

She didn’t even consider saying no to these events. And she specifically took her ring off for the ones that were

Going to be in public locations with single men around.

What a joke.

You’ve been honest with what you need. You communicated it clearly. She just doesn’t care enough. Her mom is right.

You are making the right choices. Stop talking to her about it and follow your path out. When she can prove she has fixed herself, after months and years of self analysis, then maybe you can discuss the future. My hope is by then you have started enjoying your new life without her.

Take care.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3167   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8662607
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elKAPPYtan ( Member #72085) posted at 9:07 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

I'd stop wearing your ring and start going to the bar with your guy friends and see how she feels about it.

I say that in jest, even though I haven't worn mine since DDay.

It seems like you know what your next move needs to be.

[This message edited by elKAPPYtan at 3:13 PM, May 25th (Tuesday)]

Me: 36WW: 36DDay: Oct 3rd 2019

"You keep it in between the pages of the books you burn so no one gets to read" -Corey MF Taylor

posts: 153   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2019   ·   location: MI
id 8662610
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HalfTime2017 ( Member #64366) posted at 9:29 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

CM70 - I saw the same thing with my FWW and her group of friends. The 40 something wives that are all headed to Divorce, they blame it on the 7 year itch, but they start to egg each other on. Its not different than the reddit boards where all the cheaters egg themselves on.

YOu know the saying, misery loves company. My FWW starting reading books similar to the other thread that THEWRONGONE put up. I lose their shit, thinking that their beauty is waning and they are now stuck and will never get another chance at something better.

I think the sad part about this is that those thoughts are childish and selfish in nature. All relationships sway and you fall in and out of love, but it takes work on both sides. Sometimes, when you're in the wrong crowd and you get sold bad lies. Its no excuse, but if the WWs would have looked at working on themselves and their marriage, rather than look outward to someone else to help them feel better, there'd be a lot less of these stories with no return.

posts: 1144   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8662618
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 10:07 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

As you and everyone else here think, your WW has no remorse and no respect for you. Even at this point she continues to do what she knows is wrong and you will not like it. There is nothing you can fix by talking anymore, actually, it wasn't there before. I wouldn't suggest you bring up this ring thing or any other issue related to her attitude. It does not help you to hear similar stupid phrases. Just go your own route. Even if she wants to talk to you, you shouldn't talk specifically about what's on your mind. You just should say that talking is of no use, not words but actions are important and you see what to see from her actions. There is no need to go into more detail. No one needs to hear from BS that it is wrong to cheat. Everyone already knows what is right and what is wrong, the question is whether or not to do the right thing.

posts: 478   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8662635
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 11:36 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

Midlife/existential crises from either gender are self involved toxic destructive psychodramas that damage families and loved ones around them. Lucky families only have to put up with a little red sports car. More often than not it’s a meltdown, like what you’re dealing with here.

The faithful spouse is not obligated to shackle themselves to the source of this pain out of a need to be “patient” or whatever. Let her reenact Looking For Mr Goodbar or whatever it is she thinks she is doing, while you go your own way and do what’s right and best to protect yourself, your integrity and your family.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8662650
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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 11:42 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

Acting like a single woman should be the last straw. I know it is extremely difficult to take the necessary last step to divorce because I've been there. The thought of having my three-year-old son raised in two households practically killed me. But you know what has to be done. Go see your lawyer and carry out the final steps. Advise your wife that she will be served soon and limit all conversations to divorce and co-parenting. Be matter-of-fact and build a new life. She has and continues to disrespect you. No more conversations about the marriage. Enough already.

[This message edited by src9043 at 5:48 PM, May 25th (Tuesday)]

posts: 415   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8662651
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Justaguy61 ( New Member #75431) posted at 11:43 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

It would seem her ability to "work" on the marriage has been exhausted. This is your cue.

posts: 50   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2020
id 8662652
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 11:48 PM on Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

Sorry brother but this about recovery and what you the BS needs. Unfortunately your STBX can’t hep you as she won’t help herself.

Get in a good place mentally.

Take care and one day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8662654
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CuriousObserver ( Member #78743) posted at 12:36 AM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

I would not mention the ring at all. Just wait until the next time she goes out without it and confiscate it / hide it. When she can't find it just play dumb because of course you assumed she was wearing it. Too bad she lost it. In my world she would never see it again.

Listen to their words but believe their actions.
The power of a lie is that it is believed to be truth.

posts: 112   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8662664
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gemini12 ( New Member #78670) posted at 12:40 AM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

I would not mention the ring at all. Just wait until the next time she goes out without it and confiscate it / hide it. When she can't find it just play dumb because of course you assumed she was wearing it. Too bad she lost it. In my world she would never see it again.

My thoughts exactly. I would do this in a heartbeat just to amuse myself.

posts: 46   ·   registered: Apr. 18th, 2021
id 8662665
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 12:50 AM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

I would not mention the ring at all. Just wait until the next time she goes out without it and confiscate it / hide it. When she can't find it just play dumb because of course you assumed she was wearing it. Too bad she lost it. In my world she would never see it again.

Great idea. Stops the games from her.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8662668
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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 12:57 AM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

No more games. Drop the hammer. If by some miracle down the line she wants to truly reconcile before the divorce is final, that will be your decision to make. From what I have read, no way.

[This message edited by src9043 at 6:57 PM, May 25th (Tuesday)]

posts: 415   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8662670
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 3:28 AM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

Oh, I truly love the idea about the rings.

One day at a time

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8662684
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TheWrongOne ( Member #78753) posted at 1:49 PM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

Hock those rings and use the money to help pay the lawyer.

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8662742
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 2:24 PM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

Somewhere in the previous posts you recorded her saying something to the extent that she didn't want to be viewed as the bad 'guy' asking for divorce.

Her behavior has been very consistent with the above message. Therefore, I think she's just been waiting for you to have enough and file for D.

Take off your ring and place it in the dish next to hers.

There's always a chance she will 'change/wake up' prior to the D becoming final (and you can put things on hold). However, in the interim you should be heading to the exit.

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8662749
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BlueRaspberry ( Member #76065) posted at 8:28 PM on Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

CM70,

Not that it changes anything but did she talk to you after she met with her IC to discuss your list of issues (and her failures)? If so, what did she say?

posts: 218   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8662856
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