Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
Wife of 20 yrs caught cheating

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Browsing41 ( New Member #72237) posted at 9:06 PM on Thursday, February 18th, 2021

CM70

I'm pretty sure her resolve is that she won't give up her besties. It just seems you are doing all this work and she isn't really doing much of anything. Her actions indicate she isn't really in love with you. If there comes a time that you are trying to move on without her,just remember that you love her way more than she loves you. This is what helped me. To remind myself that she just didn't love me nearly as much as I loved her.

Good luck to you,sir

posts: 23   ·   registered: Dec. 6th, 2019
id 8634226
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ramius ( Member #44750) posted at 10:07 PM on Thursday, February 18th, 2021

This was met with huge resistance especially with the bestie.

Sounds like that therapy is really working gangbusters with her.

How many scars have you rationalized because you loved the person who was holding the knife?

Their actions reveal their intentions. Their words conceal them.

posts: 1604   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2014
id 8634244
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Dismayed2012 ( Member #49151) posted at 4:38 AM on Friday, February 19th, 2021

Sometimes the best way to cause an epiphany to emerge in a loved-one's life is to allow them to suffer the full consequences of their choices. You can effect that epiphany by divorcing your WW quickly and with prejudice. Realize at the same time that there are such things as in-house separation, co-parenting, and co-habitation (like you are now in separate bedrooms) while the divorce process proceeds.

You also mentioned that your friend seemed happier as his separation and divorce processes. Most people experience those feelings due to the joy realized when they begin taking their lives back.

I wish the best for you and your kids.

Infidelity sucks. Freedom rocks.

posts: 1798   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Central KY
id 8634306
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Tigersrule77 ( Member #47339) posted at 3:03 PM on Friday, February 19th, 2021

Many WS's will promise to do "anything" that their BS' needs. As long as it isn't an inconvenience for them. Your WW's failure to agree to your request is a big red flag. She won't see it that way, but her actions are telling you that keeping her friend is more important than her M.

posts: 1512   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8634480
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Michigan ( Member #58005) posted at 3:57 PM on Friday, February 19th, 2021

She won't see it that way, but her actions are telling you that keeping her friend is more important than her M.

Tigersrule77

That's the bottom line.

posts: 580   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2017   ·   location: Michigan
id 8634501
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WilliamM ( Member #60910) posted at 4:07 PM on Friday, February 19th, 2021

I would tell her that since your friends are more important than me, your husband, then the decision to move forward and divorce is clear. Either these people are gone out of your life forever, for good, or I will file for divorce. What is it going to be? Cut them out of your life or divorce.

All things are possible.

posts: 1157   ·   registered: Oct. 4th, 2017   ·   location: Dallas, TX
id 8634507
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 5:03 PM on Friday, February 19th, 2021

You become what you run with.

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8634536
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asc1226 ( Member #75363) posted at 1:49 AM on Sunday, February 21st, 2021

We did not come a resolve concerning the bestie & agreed to discuss again tonight.

Hey CM, did anything positive come out of the discussion?

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 370   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8634824
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 CM70 (original poster Member #76077) posted at 7:33 PM on Monday, February 22nd, 2021

So, she has cut off communications with both her co-worker (besides talking at work) and the best friend. I believe she has realized that if she did not, I was out the door. We will see how it goes. In speaking with her IC, the IC was in total agreement with me that she needed to show me that I was the person who she needed to regain trust with by staying away from this group.

Weekend was OK, I stayed out pretty late with some of my old college buddies on Friday night that got her a little nervous. (which I have not done in a while) On Saturday morning she says, you were out pretty late last night! I just replied the difference is I am hanging out with friends and not an AP.

posts: 96   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2020
id 8635308
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asc1226 ( Member #75363) posted at 11:43 PM on Monday, February 22nd, 2021

I guess you have to crawl before you walk. Hopefully with the removal of the pro cheating influences you’ll see walking soon.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 370   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8635375
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BlueRaspberry ( Member #76065) posted at 1:24 AM on Tuesday, February 23rd, 2021

CM70,

Did she pro-actively cut off communication before you met OR only after you talked again and you insisted? I ask since it does not appear that she is taking pro-active steps in line with what the IC has recommended. You and the IC are definitely in alignment and charting the correct course, but it seems like you’re dragging your wife along. She should be leading the charge. Has she taken any pro-active steps to address her infidelity and the root causes?

posts: 218   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8635397
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BeyondRage ( Member #71328) posted at 3:28 AM on Tuesday, February 23rd, 2021

Did she pro-actively cut off communication before you met OR only after you talked again and you insisted? I ask since it does not appear that she is taking pro-active steps in line with what the IC has recommended. You and the IC are definitely in alignment and charting the correct course, but it seems like you’re dragging your wife along. She should be leading the charge. Has she taken any pro-active steps to address her infidelity and the root causes?

I think the answer to these questions is pretty clear. Lets recap

(1) she cheats and gets caught

(2) instead of being truthful she secretly pines for OM, with the encouragement of friend. No VAR and you would not know this by the way

(3) last conversation you heard she was still deep in affair fog missing him. But lying to you like a rug

(4) you set the expectations. What does she do??/ RESIST it all until you put the divorce option right in her face.

So where does that leave you??? With a wife who is sorry she got caught and that is about it.

Now, she has agreed thru kicking and resisting to cut off work buddy whose friend of OM, EXCEPT at work. So what does that mean??? Work buddy sure as hell isn't ending his friendship with OM so how do you verify NC ?? Take her word for it???

Now for the "bestie". If this woman is truly her best friend, and given the arm twisting and coercion you needed to exert, do you honestly believe they will not still interact. my guess is "bestie" is part of a group of her girlfriends, so what happens when she wants to get together with the girls.????

If I remember right, the general concensus here was if you tried to reconcile the VAR should go back in her car. If you, you are flying blind.

And honestly, I do not know given her attitude so far, and with what you know about the heeling she has expressed to girlfriend how you can even begin to gain trust without somewhere down the road insisting on a polygraph test.

She is still working with the OM's buddy who easily could facilitate a meeting, as would her "bestie".

Your wife should be totally begging you to keep her around. Not exactly what you are getting, which is grudging agreement .

From the outside, not a great prognosis here.

Me- 49M
WW- 48F
Kids- 23,21,20,18 all female
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=640592

posts: 476   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2019   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8635424
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Stevesn ( Member #58312) posted at 4:37 AM on Tuesday, February 23rd, 2021

But here is the problem that you are not addressing. I have seen no indication that your WW is no longer IN LOVE with the OM. None of these approaches you are taking, even if valid and constructive, will work or matter if she still has him in her heart in any way. Her actions will be not for love of you, but to ensure she doesn’t lose her family.

And if you get her to agree to these things, it won’t be because she believes and truly feels them in her heart, it will be because she feels cornered that she has to do them.

She needs to be the one to suggest these things. She needs to be the one that is desperate not to lose you.

You are putting the cart before the horse in my opinion. This is the discussion you need to be having. Not about the friend or coworker. That is important but it’s not important if she is still pining away for the man she still wants.

I’m not sure why you are afraid to have that discussion. Of course it’s hard. But you don’t have to say how you know. You know her. You can tell.

So I recommend you say something to the extent of “let’s take a step back and discuss what is really important. Do you miss this man? Do you hurt not being with him. Because I got to be honest with you, I can tell. And until you fix that, there is no us. You need to be with the man you love and are in love with. If that’s not me, at least be honest. Because I cannot commit to a lifetime with someone I believe cares more about another than me. In fact if you don’t see him as a threat to us and our family, and nothing more, then I cannot feel safe with you ever again. So you need to go work on that before we take any steps forward concerning us”

[This message edited by Stevesn at 10:49 PM, February 22nd (Monday)]

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3167   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8635441
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 9:22 AM on Tuesday, February 23rd, 2021

Brother just put yourself and children first.

Keep up the 180.

One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8635465
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Sharkman ( Member #56818) posted at 6:57 PM on Wednesday, February 24th, 2021

If she has nothing to hide then the VAR would still be there. She didn’t even try to play the game of knowing the VAR was there and being careful around it. It must be very blatant for her to just have gotten rid of it.

posts: 1716   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017
id 8635948
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 3:26 AM on Thursday, February 25th, 2021

I feel she has some remorse but hasn’t or won’t actively participate in the R process. Just wants to live in unicorn fart land with her drunk of a AP. As well as maintain her reputation as a devoted spouse. Not the cheater that she is.

Just have her served and she can move in with her AP, deal with the fallout, adjust to another woman being called a mum by her children 50% of the time.

As well as residing in a smaller abode. Can she pay you child support?

One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8636094
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Westway ( Member #71747) posted at 10:33 PM on Tuesday, March 2nd, 2021

Reconciling with her is not worth all the effort she is making YOU go through to get her to straighten her ass up.

Me: 52;

XWW: 50 y.o. serial cheater

Married 22 years, Together 24
2 Daughters: aged 16 and 20
DDay: 9/20/19
Divorced 12/03/20.

posts: 1366   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8638571
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Mene ( Member #64377) posted at 6:39 PM on Wednesday, March 3rd, 2021

Move on, dude.

Life wasn’t meant to be fair...

posts: 826   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2018   ·   location: Cyberland
id 8638785
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DoinBettr ( Member #71209) posted at 10:04 PM on Thursday, March 4th, 2021

I would say go harder with the 180.

You seem to keep engaging her. Don't do that.

Just tell her you need your space and ignore her existence completely.

Only chat about the kids and if she starts to talk about feelings or anything like that, just walk away.

You need to make her chase you. She is the pig in the shit that needs to chase you. Not you trying to chase her. Then she is just going to see you jumping and diving through her shit pen and realize that even after cheating, she is still the more desired partner.

go cold. Hang with your friends. Go out. If she says that out late again crap. Laugh shrug and walk away. Give her no details. Let her stew. Force her to be the adult who starts the conversations and fixes this situation.

You keep white knighting this or trying to police her. Just step away and you will get the line we all have been waiting for her to say to you. "I will do anything to get you back. How do I prove I want this marriage and not (AP)." Until you hear that, you know where her head and heart still sit.

FYI - I think your WW just posted in Wayward side. If you want recommendations on rules for that, let us know. There are some who hang out here whose spouse is on the other side too.

Good luck bro and sorry to be so harsh.

[This message edited by DoinBettr at 4:07 PM, March 4th (Thursday)]

posts: 591   ·   registered: Aug. 7th, 2019   ·   location: Midwest
id 8639073
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Butforthegrace ( Member #63264) posted at 10:35 PM on Thursday, March 4th, 2021

let’s take a step back and discuss what is really important. Do you miss this man? Do you hurt not being with him. Because I got to be honest with you, I can tell. And until you fix that, there is no us. You need to be with the man you love and are in love with. If that’s not me, at least be honest. Because I cannot commit to a lifetime with someone I believe cares more about another than me. In fact if you don’t see him as a threat to us and our family, and nothing more, then I cannot feel safe with you ever again. So you need to go work on that before we take any steps forward concerning us

There is another way to approach this concept. "Wife, I've loved you and put your happiness first our whole marriage. It is pretty clear to me that your heart is with the AP, not me. I want you to be happy, and I'm not willing to share you with another man. If the AP is who you love, let's be honest about it, because I'd rather see you happily pursue your love than remain in a marriage where I feel you are unhappy."

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3771   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8639077
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