Newest Member: Loyalandbetrayed

Just Found Out :
After 43 years....

Topic is Sleeping.
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newlife03 ( Member #56527) posted at 9:28 PM on Tuesday, February 16th, 2021

Now who will be by my side when the beasts return?

We are here for you. You are not alone.

Me - 50
Kids 25, 22, 18
1st DDay in 2006, 2nd in 2007
D in 2009
Happily Committed to SO since 2011

posts: 657   ·   registered: Dec. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: ID
id 8633691
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HalfTime2017 ( Member #64366) posted at 10:42 PM on Tuesday, February 16th, 2021

Dont hold you breathe on her apologizing for the pain she caused. In her eyes, she is the victim. She had to do this b/c poor little her wasn't loved enough.....

I'm almost 4 yrs out, and no apology, and you know what, that's okay. You move on, and thats that. No Karma, no remorse, no apology. Don't wait for it. Just move on. If it ever happens, well, you can decide at that time if it even remotely makes up for all the bullshit they put you through. It will never be enough anyway

posts: 1142   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8633703
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Organic2003 ( Member #69811) posted at 3:34 AM on Wednesday, February 17th, 2021

Hi Dan,

I have watched and read your thread from the start. Never commented because of the great contributors on SI helping. I am glad you feel the divorce is going fairly, I was worried you were getting the short end with her leaving her business to die.

My main worry and it’s a major one. I beat 2 cancers prostate and bladder and she was both times right next to me every seconds of the fights. Now who will be by my side when the beasts return?

Are the cancers part of the reason she bailed? The numbers seem to show many (most) bail on there husbands with prostrate cancer.

That hits home for me, I was just informed of stage 4 cancer. Do you have children (I did not go look though your posts). For me the news of my cancer is almost liberating, I get to die and put my mind movies to rest, I have had a big life and am ok with the end, I have been a decent man. That was until my daughter and son just totally melted down with the news.

I hope you have someone by your side if it rears its ugly head again.

With all my love and hope,

Organic2003

There is opportunity in EVERYTHING

posts: 137   ·   registered: Feb. 19th, 2019
id 8633747
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BlackRaven ( Member #74607) posted at 4:00 AM on Wednesday, February 17th, 2021

Dan,

I don't know if this is a comfort, but I know of two couples where one developed cancer after their divorce and the ex-spouse still took care of them.

The marriage may be over but the history together isn't.

And hopefully, there will be new friends and sources of support to share your journey, wherever it leads.

posts: 283   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2020
id 8633750
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BlackRaven ( Member #74607) posted at 4:00 AM on Wednesday, February 17th, 2021

Duplicate post

[This message edited by BlackRaven at 12:38 PM, March 6th (Saturday)]

posts: 283   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2020
id 8633752
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BlackRaven ( Member #74607) posted at 4:00 AM on Wednesday, February 17th, 2021

duplicate post

[This message edited by BlackRaven at 10:00 PM, February 16th (Tuesday)]

posts: 283   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2020
id 8633751
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 Dan90254 (original poster Member #75925) posted at 4:18 AM on Wednesday, February 17th, 2021

I’m really sorry to hear that. Sorry and sad brother.

I had prostate cancer in 2008 and bladder in 2013. She was extremely supportive both times before and after surgeries. Luckily I did not have any ...inconvenient side effects after robotic Da Vinci surgery. We resumed our sex life in fact 3 weeks after the operation.

She was really the perfect spouse up until March 2019 when she fell for that guy. Then the lies started.

There’s a good chance of recurrence with both types of cancer so I know I’m on borrowed time but aren’t we all?

I also had a good and fulfilling life. Men in my family die young. My father 62, my brother 60 and my grand father 57. I’ll be 67 next month so I consider myself lucky. But when the time comes it would have been nice to have her by my side. I mean the “before” her.

I ‘ll be thinking of you hoping for better news.

[This message edited by Dan90254 at 10:18 PM, February 16th (Tuesday)]

posts: 50   ·   registered: Nov. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Southern California
id 8633755
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Buster123 ( Member #65551) posted at 11:47 PM on Wednesday, February 17th, 2021

She has now become "the beast", and a cold one too. Try to enjoy your life Dan, once the ink is dry, if she tries to make contact, simply ignore her, remember she's NOT your friend, she's the person who betrayed you, block her.

posts: 2408   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8633984
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 Dan90254 (original poster Member #75925) posted at 4:05 PM on Tuesday, March 16th, 2021

Update no2.

She came home last night as was planned. She is staying until Apr03. I went to pick her up at LAx and we were not out of the parking lot when she already dropped that she had a great hiking with POS and his kids 2 days prior. Then she casually mentionned that he had dropped her off at the airport after her spending the night at his place. Of course I kinda k ew all that but listening to my wife of 43 years telling me that she is now living her life with another man was crushing.

She has moved on. I haven’t yet. She has replaced me. She is in love with another man and that hurts.

She wants to drive with me to the place I bought in Las Vegas. I don’t know if I should let her in in the house where I intend to reconstruct myself. The ink on the divorce papers is not dry yet so I’m still the nice guy who doesnt want to make waves.

I cant tell her to pound sand without risking her to renege on her words. I’m hurting badly.

posts: 50   ·   registered: Nov. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Southern California
id 8642164
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 4:13 PM on Tuesday, March 16th, 2021

Dan – I’m OK with being cordial but I think you are well within any expectations if you let her know that the divorce is too fresh for you to find any interest or to find it appropriate for her to share her love-life with you. I get the long history, but her divorce didn’t change your title from husband to confident or friend.

I strongly suggest you let her know you need space and time away from her and NO – your residence in LV is of no concern to her.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8642168
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DanielJK ( Member #75654) posted at 4:18 PM on Tuesday, March 16th, 2021

I hear you Dan, that your XWW loves another man stings like hell.

I'm with you. We have been betrayed in the worst possible way by the person we loved and trusted most. It hurts. I don't think anyone who has not experienced this kind of hurt knows its depth and breadth.

Don't bring her to the LV house. That should be reserved for friends and family. Don't let her walk away thinking that everything is OK, it's not. What she did is horrible.

Not sure why she felt the need to discuss the POS with you. I think there is something in waywards that allows them to be cruel without guilt. My STBXWW seems to enjoy being cruel, yours may be that way too.

Do you have to stay together? I just feel like you need that final separation to be able to get on with life.

I wish you the best. Hope you find peace soon.

BH 51
STBXWW 53
2 daughters, 14 and 16
Filed for divorce 12/23/2020

After a year of hell I finally moved out (5/26/2021).
Divorce still pending.

posts: 455   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2020   ·   location: CT
id 8642170
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 4:43 PM on Tuesday, March 16th, 2021

She needs to talk about OM to feel accepted. You sitting there and listening to her share how OM deep-fried frogs legs (or whatever French womanizers do to woo their femmes) and how accepting his kids are is all part of her soothing her conscience.

If her friends were to ask her how you were taking it she would be “he’s OK. We talked about Pierre on the drive from the airport and I’m going to see his new place in Vegas” implying you are hunky-dory with everything.

It’s a lose-lose situation for you actually: If you go along you are condoning her decision, if you tell her to leave you in peace you are a vindictive and sad old man. Since you cant win as far as she’s concerned then go along with what’s best for you.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8642178
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fareast ( Member #61555) posted at 5:04 PM on Tuesday, March 16th, 2021

Agree totally with Bigger. You don’t need to listen to that hurtful crap. She treats you like you should care about her life. Ignore. Telling her you are not interested in her current life is not making waves. You are not friends. What she did was a terrible betrayal. Be the gray rock. If you must be around her share nothing just gray rock. No chit chat. And I sure as hell would not let her near your new place in Vegas. She gave up that right. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2794   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8642184
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grubs ( Member #77165) posted at 5:06 PM on Tuesday, March 16th, 2021

Not sure why she felt the need to discuss the POS with you.

Its a way to keep you in your lane and signaling unavailability. Just like someone in a committed relationship finds a way to bring up bf/gf/spouse when being chatted up. I did it to a co-worker at a work related conference a few years back and was taken aback at the change in temperature. It's not always a conscious decision, as it wasn't for me. It was only later after I reflected on that temp change that I realized that it happened after I mentioned the wife.

I still haven't figured out if the temp change was due to my awkwardness or the unconscious not available being sent. Not that that matters.

posts: 736   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8642186
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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 6:05 PM on Tuesday, March 16th, 2021

Do not play her game. If she can get you to act as if everything is copasetic, that will relieve her from any guilt she may feel. My ex-wife did that to me for years. She has also badmouthed me behind my back. Another tool she has used to justify her behavior. The fact that my life has turned out pretty good without her also infuriates her. My advice is to go NC and work on what makes you happy. Do not let her know anything about your life from this point forward. She should be dead to you. That is what she deserves.

posts: 411   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8642214
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ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 6:06 PM on Tuesday, March 16th, 2021

Dan: you have to stick to your boundaries. Don’t let her hurt you.

how OM deep-fried frogs legs (or whatever French womanizers do to woo their femmes)

Bigger, are you always this prejudiced? How about the Mexican and the Blacks? Care to say something about them too?

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1432   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8642216
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 8:51 PM on Tuesday, March 16th, 2021

T/j

ShutterHappy

No – I hope I‘m not always this prejudiced and hope that other posts I have made show that I generally am not prejudiced. I apologize if my lame attempt at humor by portraying some stereotypical Frenchman caused insult. Non intended, ce la vie.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8642277
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Stevesn ( Member #58312) posted at 9:25 PM on Tuesday, March 16th, 2021

Non intendu

Now you just insulted all the French Teachers out there

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3163   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8642294
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Stevesn ( Member #58312) posted at 9:28 PM on Tuesday, March 16th, 2021

Dan, I’m confused. Are you fully D now? Why are you spending any time with her? And I hope visiting you in LV is a joke.

If she is no longer your wife and she’s now full time partner of the other man it’s time to remove her from your life.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3163   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8642296
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 Dan90254 (original poster Member #75925) posted at 12:59 AM on Wednesday, March 17th, 2021

We both lawyered up and the esquires are doing their things. Petition was set up and is in the process of being confirmed.

My STBXW now lives mostly in France taking care of her mother during the day and of her boyfriend in the evenings. She flew in yesterday to meet with her partner and to see our son. I told her back in early February that I was looking at houses in LV. She learned probably through our son that I had bought one then she said she wanted to see it. I was debating whether that was a good idea. You guys convinced me it wasn't so I cancelled the SUV from Entreprise earlier. She doesn't stay with me but in the next door condo which belongs to her mother and where our son lives. The mother went back to France when her health declined.

We don't have much contact except in front of our son. So far we kept things polite and cordial except for one evening during her November visit when I lost it and threw all her stuff over the 2 nd floor balcony. Our D should be simple. I already split the money. We agree on her share of my pension. Remains the house which is now for sale. We will split it evenly.

She had definitely turned the page and chapter and book of good old me. She has moved on. She has replaced me and do not even consider me like a feasible plan B. She has convinced herself and others that hers was a beautiful love story and not a sordid unfaithful affair despite the fact that she lied to me for almost 2 years. I can feel it. This is not to say that I would accept it. But it hurts. It hurts terribly looking back at old photos and thinking at all the places where we have been and being in the travel industry for the last 40 years you better believe we ve been to lots of places. Still there were so many more to discover together. It hurts being rejected and knowing that she enjoys the OM 's company better. I often told her during our 40 some years together that if one day I don't make her laugh any longer she should dump me. Well I didn't realize the sountrack has stopped.

Am I over her? No, of course not. Do I want her back? Really not sure. That won't happen anyway. She has become a regular liar even for trivial inconsequential little things. She lies for no apparent reason. I guess she got the practice lying for something as heavy as an affair for 2 years.

she walked in the the house we shared for 22 years last night and barely noticed that all the frames, photos, books, plants and 2 sofas were gone. She seemed so detached of things and memories attached to them it's almost scary. Do those things mean anything to her? Does she remember that we made love on those sofas? Does she recall that we had tons of laughs with friends and family around that table? I'm not so sure she does or worse cares.

She is not the same woman I knew. I don't like the hew her and yet I'm still hurting and feeling very sad.

posts: 50   ·   registered: Nov. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Southern California
id 8642386
Topic is Sleeping.
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