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Divorce/Separation :
I miss wh

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 Gottagetthrough (original poster member #27325) posted at 1:03 AM on Monday, November 30th, 2020

I miss the nice wh... the person he was about 30% of the time.

I want him to text or email me that he loves me and is sorry

Im at my family’s and have blocked his texts- if he really needs me he can call on the landline. But he has a habit if sending masses of cruel texts at night so ive blocked him.

I just want him to be nice and try to win me back.

But it doesnt seem like he cares.

He emailed me that he cant believe my mom let me come to her house without my “family” (i brought the kids and the dog). He said his mother would never let him come for thanksgiving without his family. It took all my willpower not to respond,”LOL! YOUR mom invited YOUR mistress to her house! So dont act like shes some bastion of morality and family values!”

Hes been radio silent since a flurry of mean emails two days ago.

Im sad. I miss the person i thought i was married to.

But i dont miss the put downs and the “thats stupid” everytime i suggested something or said something.

posts: 3835   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8613027
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 2:39 AM on Monday, November 30th, 2020

(((Gottagetthrough)))

I’m sorry he isn’t the person he had the potential to be. Holidays are hard.

Hang in there. You are worth someone who is nice 100% of the time.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5976   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8613047
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Adlham ( member #53358) posted at 2:50 AM on Monday, November 30th, 2020

You know, Gotta, with a little practice, your aim will improve

I know what you mean. Unfortunately, I don't have any words of wisdom.

You deserve so much better.

There is NO need to have that “one last conversation” with a toxic individual in your life.” The closure will come when you look deeper inside yourself. It’s not your job to fix someone when they are unwilling to fix themselves.

posts: 1821   ·   registered: May. 24th, 2016   ·   location: Pacific Northwest!
id 8613050
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 Gottagetthrough (original poster member #27325) posted at 3:01 AM on Monday, November 30th, 2020

You know, Gotta, with a little practice, your aim will improve

I have SO much to be thankful for despite this. I have gotten some good sleep and am not keyed up and angry and irritated like usual when wh is around.

I dont miss him. I miss who i thought he could be?

Im confused, sad, lonely. Working through this.

posts: 3835   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8613052
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 1:53 PM on Monday, November 30th, 2020

Looking at your registration date, member number and post-count…

A few years back I had what I thought slight pain in my mouth. Got progressively worse and worse, but so gradually that it didn’t really register. Then one day it was like BANG! Like someone was pounding my jaw with a hammer. Got an emergency appointment with my dentist and it turns out that there was a section or segment of one tooth that grew into the tooth beside it. Dentist told me that this would have taken months or even a year to happen and if I hadn’t noticed any pain as the pressure grew. The final stage – where I felt like I was being repeatedly punched – was when the tooth bored itself into the nerves of the neighboring tooth.

The dentist dealt with the problem and sent me home with some painkillers.

A couple of days later I was feeling OK. In fact I realized I was feeling better than I had been for months. Because the build-up of pain was so slow and gradual then it didn’t really register. It wasn’t until the cause for pain was removed that I finally realized what not being in pain felt like.

I think you might be in a comparable situation…

Your marriage and how your husband treated you is your “normal” just like my “normal” was pain. For me it needed something drastic – like the tooth getting to the nerves – to make me realize something was wrong and to act. For you that drastic was realizing that divorce was your best option.

I have a feeling that if you see this through and remove your husband so he no longer impact YOUR life then one day soon you will wake up and realize that your past “normal” wasn’t a healthy “normal” and that your new normal is.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12393   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8613100
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 2:22 PM on Monday, November 30th, 2020

It will take some time to detox from an unhealthy relationship. Even though I've been S for over 2 years, I miss the idea of a family. It's harder for me around holidays, but I know the first of it is temporary. It will get better. Just dont look to your drug of choice to help you with your addiction. It will just start the cycle again.

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1807   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8613104
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 Gottagetthrough (original poster member #27325) posted at 4:47 PM on Monday, November 30th, 2020

I miss the idea of a family

YES

How do i not go back to my drug of choice (ie, wh). I really want to text or engage him in some way. It is not good. What do i do instead?

Bigger- i like that analogy - this painful reattach is my “normal“. Being away from it is tough but also making me realize how tired being near wh made me. It’s exhausting beinv married to him

posts: 3835   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8613149
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 5:32 PM on Monday, November 30th, 2020

You keep moving forward, and planning your exit.

He is not who you believed he is, hoped he would be, or provide the family that you believed he would eventually come around to. He hasn't he won't, he can't. He has no interest.

You deserve better, and you can make a very happy family of your 3 beautiful wonderful children, and you. You don't need him to be happy, and you know things will be better without him.

(((And Strength)))

Keep the focus on you.

Me: FBSHim: FWSKids: 23 & 27 Married for 32 years now, was 16 at the time.D-Day Sept 26 2008R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 20170   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8613157
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 8:49 PM on Monday, November 30th, 2020

How do i not go back to my drug of choice (ie, wh). I really want to text or engage him in some way. It is not good. What do i do instead?

ANYTHING. Seriously, gazing into a crack on the floor is a better use of your time. Cleaning your shoes with a q-tip is more useful. Literally anything is better for you than engaging with him. Go outside and commune with the first insect you see and you'll add more positivity to the world than by speaking to him.

You're missing the 30% good and forgetting the 70% bad. You wouldn't want an apple that was 70% rotten if you had to eat the entire apple to get that 30% good. This man is 70% rotten. You've grown accustomed to crumbs and small bits of goodness...just enough to keep you there for the 70% that really sucked.

Time is your friend on this. Time and no contact. One day you'll wonder what on earth you saw in this man in the first place and ask yourself why you ever wasted a second on him. That is a beautiful day.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 5083   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8613210
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 10:24 PM on Monday, November 30th, 2020

(((Gottagetthrough))) it is so hard but you are doing it! Just keep no contact unless it is kids and finances. Eventually his tirades will stop. My STBX has stopped all contact except kids or recently to say he was sorry I had to put our beloved cat down. Still doesn't change who he is even if he's acting nice it means nothing. The tirades really show who they are. For the first two months after I separated he was sending me cruel messages all the time. I think it is the mindset of the disordered. Who else would kick the victim while they were down?

Eventually your mind will rewire the thoughts that think he is a good person and you'll see the ugly him and that will overpower any good thoughts. I'm still working on this. I definitely understand missing what you thought he was and what your M should have been.

I really want to text or engage him in some way. It is not good. What do i do instead?

Keep busy with anything. Go for walks, call a friend, make a list to look at as to why you should not contact him. I usually remind myself of all the crappy ways he's treated me and it snaps me out of that mindset. In other words keep focusing on his negative qualities.

fBS/fWS(me):50 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(20) DS(17)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8761   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8613223
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barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 10:58 PM on Monday, November 30th, 2020

I know that you feel like you are struggling, but it seems like you are doing great.

The good news is that it gets better.

I guess one piece of advice would be to unblock his texts... those could be valuable evidence during a divorce. Protecting your sanity is more important than that, of course.

Me: Crap, I'm 50 years old. D-Day: August 30, 2016. Two years of false reconciliation. Divorce final: Feb 1, 2021. Re-married: December 3, 2022.

posts: 5419   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8613230
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skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 3:52 AM on Tuesday, December 1st, 2020

Gotta,

This stage sucks so badly but mercifully it passes. Eventually all you're going to see is the asshole. Sometimes we have to go back in for another round of nastiness before we finally realize it always ends the same way. Hopefully, you won't have to.

Me: BS 56 on DDay 1 - 7/2019 DIVORCED - 1/2021

posts: 1264   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8613306
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